Dating: People now interested after your weight loss that knew you before

[TexasRose 0]

So, being reasonably young and in the dating world....I have had my fair share of interesting experiences and discussions amongst friends around the dinner/cocktail table. A very thought provoking question/statement was thrown out by a friend that is a bit older and has the non-adjustable band that they did about 17 years ago. *She was in the pioneering experimental group that had one of the first bandings in the US* The comment was.....

When transforming through your losing process, you will start to notice people 'noticing' you....and not in a 'just a pretty face' sort of way. They notice you sexually and as a potential conquest. They may start to flirt, exude charm, do things to capture your attention, they may even ask you out....How will you react when people that knew you before your weight loss *as friends* all of the sudden become romantically interested towards you since you have lost your weight? Will you be flattered? Will you be offended? Will you broach the subject of - are you asking me out only because I am of 'normal' size now?

How would you handle this scenario? Have you encountered this situation, thus far?

)

[Leona06 0]

Well, being really young... I've dated but never loved. I hope that one day I can find a person that likes me for me... but its something that I hope people who didn't want me "big" will want me smaller... Those are not the types of people I would want to date anyway. My standards are already high... I can only imagine them getting higher.

I'm not sure how I will deal with the attention, but I do LOVE attention. I love attention from friends, strangers, anyone... I always dress funky and fashionable and alway have my hair/makeup done because I believe in PRESENTATION.

While I understand that I probably will get attention, I also shy away from it because I don't really know how to deal with it. I've never gone on more than 3 dates with the same guy... so I don't know what to do, and I allow myself to be wooed quite easily by attractive men all the time. With more woeing... I'm not sure how I'll react. I just know that I won't give the time of day to something that didn't give me their time when I was this size.

Just because I will/am thinner, doesn't change who I am inside.

[TexasRose 0]

So, has this just not happened to any one?

[Iulizbug 0]

This has happened to me. I was very heavy in high school and went I went to college I lost a bunch of weight and had lots of guys asking me out. Since I had never dated in h.school at first I loved being seen as "pretty and cute" instead of fat and dorky like I was used to growing up. But I learned very quickly how shallow most of those good looking people are and grew sick of it fairly quickly. At first I played the dating game and then realized these people werent' the type of guys that I wanted to be dating anyways. They would make lousy boyfriends b/c most of them see women as objects and would leave at the drop of a hat if I gained an ounce. I found that out firsthand--it was so hurtful. I gained only 20 lbs the summer I was 20 and my boyfriend of 6 mos dropped me just like that. Like he hadn't even known me at all. So anyways, after that I realized what I was looking for and it got easier to find my perfect match. I am very happy now and my current boyfriend has been with me at my thinnest and my heaviest and stood by me the entire way. That is how I knew he was a keeper--I gained 100 lbs and he loved me just as much as when he met me thin. He just wanted me to be happy. So now that I have gone thru that I know how to react when men hit on me. And they do. I am 15 lbs from goal and for the past 2 mos I have noticed a dramatic change in mens reactions towards me. But I expected it and realize how shallow most of these men are. They are visual creatures I realize but many of them don't really care to get to know what is underneath. So my 2 cents for those that have not experienced that is to be very careful when dating once you have or are changing. There are many many good fish out there it may just take a while to find the one right for you.

~Liz~

03/10/06

241/175/160

5'7''

[ShadyLady 0]

I've had this happen to me several times and although I'm flattered, my self esteem has grown to the point of I know I can do better than somebody who is hung up on outward apperances. Of course, I just politely turn them down but don't tell them why.

[maryb 1]

Even though I am not so young or single, I know exactly what you are talking about. This happened to me when I was younger and single. I lost a lot of weight and suddenly men were coming on to me all the time. I know a lot had to do with the physical change, but for me the mental change had just if not more impact. I no longer held my head down, I actually made eye contact and smiled! Feeling confident and good about yourself doesn't have anything to do with size unless you choose it. I liked hiding behind my size after my divorce, when I wasn't interested in dating. It was safe, easy, and no one bothered me. When It finally dawned on me that I didn't want to be alone the rest of my life, I got busy losing weight, changing my appearance and changing my attitude.

[sleepyjean 0]

As far as I'm concerned, getting more attention from guys is the only down-side of losing weight. When everyone else in jr. high was learning how to flirt and talk to boys, I was at home reading a book. I don't date, I never have. Nobody bothers me, and I'm comfortable with that. When guys start talking to me, as they have when I've been thin in the past, I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable because it feels like all of a sudden these new expectations have been placed on me. And of course it bugs the hell out of me that all of a sudden I seem so much more "worthy" of other people's time. It creates such a tremendous discomfort inside me, that it has always contributed to regaining the weight. That's why I found myself a good therapist before I got into this whole thing. I'm not sure how life is going to be after I've lost the weight. I just hope I can deal with it better than I have in the past.

[Koko 0]

Texas, this is a huge deal!!! Of course I have quite a ways to go but believe me, I noticed a big difference after losing 100lbs. It's been with strangers rather than friends in that they will meet my eyes more whereas before, I was invisible. Becoming "visible" is scary at best - especially for those of us who have never been thin and did not grow into womanhood learning how to deal with attention from members of the opposite sex.

Frankly, getting to goal scares the bezeejus out of me in this respect. It's flattering getting attention but as someone who has spent their life trying to blend into the background, it's not necessarily welcome.

To be fair though, your personality and friendship may be perfect but they have not previously been physically attracted to you. Yes, it should not matter, but it does. We all have biases and preferences, unfortunately our society finds this particular "fault" to be one of the worst. I read a poll once where the question was "would you rather date someone who was overweight or a cocaine addict?" - the majority answer was "cocaine addict" :omg: Good Grief!

[tribon 0]

<TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"><TBODY><TR height="100%" width="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on"><TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">I was talking to a guy at work (the only one there that knows about my band). He made the comment about getting more attention from men. Since I work with alot of men who don't talk to me or even look at me unless I directly ask them a question (always work related), I was wondering why.

I asked him why some guys don't even look at big girls, let alone talk or flirt. He said that some guys are afraid that if they look at, talk to, or give any attention to big girls, the big girls will jump at the "opportunity" and start flirting and ask them out. He said that the shallow guys avoid big girls altogether to prevent this.

I was offended. I am happily married with 5 kids and have no interest in any other man. I wouldn't dream of asking someone out, even when I was single!

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[NewSho 20]

In fact, I thought about this all day yesterday.

There is a guy in my 'social circle' who I was friends with and realized that maybe we were kinda attracted to each other. Harmless fliriting, but it's clear to me we sorta talk on a different level now than before.

But the thing is, I've starting losing the majority of my weight since I met him. And as our friendship grows (I've found true friendship to be a better base for any 'relationship', at least for me) I think it's great we're taking lots of time to get to know each other better. On the other hand, however, as I get smaller I wonder:

• OMG, is he only going to fully 'make that move' when I'm at/under goal.
  
• OMG, am I going to ONLY feel comfortable 'making that move' when I'm at goal?
  
• If we do get together later, will I think it's ONLY it's because I'll be smaller then?

It's tricky because I really will feel awkward about dating any man who watched me lose and then approached me once I'd lost the weight. In fact, they probably won't have a chance.

As for the guys I meet at/near goal, obviously they get a pass. I do realize not all men are attracted to heavier women. It's not fair, but it's a fact I face as a single gal.

I think SleepyJean's comments are very insightful for that reason.

When women say "Oh I was 300# but my husband/boyfriend/sweetie met me and loved me no matter what ' - then that TOTALLY has not been my personal experience.:cry

Nor have I been with someone who 'stood by me' while I gained a significant amount of weight and loved me anyway.

Oh, no. I haven't seen or experienced any kind of men like that. So I'm speaking from my own experience when I say men are definitely paying wayyy more attention to me as I get smaller in size. I was cute before but because I was overweight, the number of potential suitors was greatly reduced. Now, I guess the field is opening back up. :rolleyes

I wouldn't knowingly date someone who I knew waited til I got smaller to approach me, but guys I met during the process are kind of in a 'Twilight Zone.' While we get to know each other, I'm still (hopefully :phanvan ) losing... so where will that leave us?

Trust me, I am mentally wrestling (the only kind of wrestling, I'm doing ) with this.

It will be interesting

[Randi 0]

If it were me and someone showed interest where there was previously none, I would politely refuse any advances and just keep the relationship strictly on a friendship/professional level. Why?

Because life is filled with shallow people, and although I understand that there are many people who prefer to date thinner people, I don't want to have to deal with a person like that on a emotional or physical level. EVER.

My basic premise is this:

If it took getting the band to lose weight before that person could see you, what happens if your band should have to be removed, you choose not to have it replaced or switch to another WLS option, and eventually regain the weight?

If you're just dating to have fun, this probably won't apply. But if you're looking for a lifetime mate, it's not a scenario that can be easily dismissed.

I'm one of the very fortunate ones. The one I chose has loved me no matter how much or how little I've weighed.

[KariK 0]

In fact, I thought about this all day yesterday.

There is a guy in my 'social circle' who I was friends with and realized that maybe we were kinda attracted to each other. Harmless fliriting, but it's clear to me we sorta talk on a different level now than before.

But the thing is, I've starting losing the majority of my weight since I met him. And as our friendship grows (I've found true friendship to be a better base for any 'relationship', at least for me) I think it's great we're taking lots of time to get to know each other better. On the other hand, however, as I get smaller I wonder:

• OMG, is he only going to fully 'make that move' when I'm at/under goal.
  
• OMG, am I going to ONLY feel comfortable 'making that move' when I'm at goal? :puke:
  
• If we do get together later, will I think it's ONLY it's because I'll be smaller then?

Hmmm Id be wondering if maybe this guy is falling for you as your confidence, self-esteem are getting stronger. It might not only be about looks with this one. He might be a keeper :bolt: . I mean your frienship is growing and changing into a possible relationship.. that might be because the more he gets to know you the more he is liking you. My advice is get to know him. Meet his family, ask him what his values are. Go places with him and see if he is kind to strangers, nice to children and animals. Make sure he isn't a liar or a thief. Is he motivated and hard working or a leech? If he's a shallow person who only cares about looks, you'll find that out in time. You can usually spot that in two seconds flat. So my guess is, if he was a shallow person, youd know it by now.

Instead of focusing on why someone likes you... focus on .. Do You Like Him?? I hope someday you will not have to have in the back of your mind 'why does this person like me?".. instead I hope you can feel like 'men should like me, whats not to like? Im unique and individual and worthy of love'.

I've been with my husband for 12 years, married 8 and we are very happily married.

[Elisabethsew 50]

When I went from 440 pounds to 195 pounds, MANY men were showing an interest. One of those men I was close with. As a regained weight, he got more and more distant and now that I'm losing again, he suddenly calling more. Well, there are no guarantees that I will get to goal or stay at goal so he is no longer someone I would consider a relationship with.

[Magic 0]

Its nice to have people interested in you, but I would hate it if it came from people used to be only frirnds, and now all the sudden they want more. Those people are only interested in the SEX my dear. I'm a man and take it from me. No old friend would suddenly show an interest except if he wanted something out of you. Why never he showed this interest before?

Read what Elisabethsew said, I think those people are mean and if I saw your friend Elisabethsew I would punch him in the face, the thinner you get the more he likes you, and the fatter you get the more he distant himself, what a loser

[Elisabethsew 50]

LOL, a punch in the face would serve him right. I think being fat makes you a lot more tolerant of people because you know first hand the pain of hurtful remarks directed at you because of your weight.

I was always a good friend to this man but yes, he's only interested if you look like a trophy and that's a role I will never play. So, I am distancing myself from him and not allowing myself to be used by him or others. I happen to be a gourmet cook and an even better baker and prepared him dinner for his birthday 3 weeks ago. What he doesn't know is that it's the last dinner I will ever prepare for him.

My self-esteem has always been high in every aspect of my life except personal relationships with men. I now realize I am worthy of a wonderful relationship with a man who loves me for me... inside and out. If I find that man, great. If not, I don't need a man to complete me.