Husband Help

[K@t 38]

Hey people,

This is mostly just a rant but if any one has any thing to add please do. I have been obese my entire life. And it had become such a problem that I had surgery to help me overcome that difficulty.

My husband was a bean pole until we married. Since we got married he has steadily gained weight. He is now what is considered borderline "fat" not obese by any means. 190lbs 6ft. but he has a pretty big tummy, little to no muscle, the doctor told him to exercise and lose a little fat and gain a little muscle

Tonight i fried him 2 eggs for dinner, 3 slices of ham and 2 slices of buttered toast with a mug of chocolate milk. This is not a normal dinner,it was ment as a treat because I came home really late and to make up for it I made him one of his favorites. When he was finished he said he was still hungry. I asked him if he wanted me to cut him some fruit, or if he wanted a yogurt. No, instead he got a bag of chips and ate the entire bag.

He keeps complaining about how fat he's gotten. His brothers wedding is next month and his suit that we bought last year doesn't fit, we have to buy a new one. But yet every chance he gets he will eat something bad. Every time we go out to eat he stuffs himself until he's sick. He eats everything his mother wouldn't let him have when he lived at home, every chance he gets.

To boot, his parents blame it all on me. It's me and my "American" food thats making him fat.

You think I would be more understanding because of my own problems. I know it's hard, and I understand it's hard. But I'm at a loss for as what to do or how to help him. It's hard enough dealing with my own weight issues and now this.......

[Yoda 0]

Hiya K@T....hmmm tough one! Yup, ya have to tread lightly for sure (remember how it was for you when/if people would try and talk "sense" to you...as they would see it!!).

Assuming that the two of you are close and have good communication, have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how you feel (don't preach) and that you worry for his health in the future if this keeps up. Explain that part of the reason you had surgery was to be healthy so that you can be with him for a long time to come. Explain to him that it will work better if you are BOTH around for that long time and that even though he may not be experiencing any health related problems right now....it could easily lead to them. Better to nip it now than to wait until it is even HARDER and to the point where he needs to consider alternatives (ie. surgery). I guess that was my long way of saying...just have a real heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel....ya know? Just make sure he knows that you love him no matter what...but that you want him (& you) to have a long and healthy life together.

As for the parents blaming you and your "American ways"....LOL..WHATEVER!!! ....I would tell them that their son is a grown man and has 100% control over what he puts in his mouth!! I think that is what would bother me the most about this situation if it were me!! LOL. In-Laws!!!! Eeep!!

Good luck though, my friend!

[Jachut 487]

Hi Kat,

my husband is a little on the hefty side too - he's always been prone but had lost a lot of weight when we met at 16 and in the early years finishging school, beginning work and doing his accounting degree at night, giving up sport and starting drinking as you do when you're first out in the workforce (oh, those Friday nights at the pub, lol), started to gain it again. He sits at a desk 10 hours a day, spends at least 2 hours in the car going to and from work, its hopeless, he walks in the door at 7.30 pm and he's gone at 7 am in the morning.

BUT - I've learned that where there's a will there's a way. I dont have a lot of time for myself either with 3 kids and a uni degree to finish. We bought a treadmill for this reason. I can manage, so why cant he? He has the Melbourne Sports and Aquatic centre over the road from work, and Albert Park Lake (a 5km track around the lake). He could walk (or run) at lunchtime, he could go for a swim after work instead of staying in the office till 7 pm to avoid the traffic home, he could pull his finger out and actually do some outside work at home on the weekend.

Due to his lack of activity, he's gotten overweight on a pretty small quantity of food (oh, he overeats but not as much as you'd expect) and when he does put in supreme effort he is not often actually rewarded with weight loss, sad to say.

But he's nearly 40 and he's mildly obese and he works a stressful job and is sedentary. Heart attack waiting to happen and I get very very angry with him that if he cant do it for himself, does he not care enough about staying here fit and healthy for his kids?

He insists banding is not for him, fair enough but its beyond me how he can see the success I've had, seen how easy its been to live with a band (for me) and still not consider it.

But if there's one thing I know, people have to do this for themselves, you cant influence their decisions on what they eat or how much they eat or how little they exercise.

[ralheit 1]

I agree with the heart to heart. You know what it is like to not be able to do the kind of things that he took for granted most of his life. Let him know that you just don't want him to suffer as you did and that you need him to be here for you in the future. See if you can't do something together as exercise, make it a team thing. Good Luck to you.

[MelodyJ 0]

A heart to heart is ALWAYS good....

My husband also walks with me....I tell him it goes much faster and we both feel SO MUCH better!!!! He agrees. He is now eating on a smaller plate along w/ me....but definitely more! He mentions he should just eat what I do....but he doesn't have the band and doesn't need it....

Try to be upbeat and positive...not nagging! Nagging NEVER works.... most dig their heels in when nagged....at least I do!!! Praise him for any little success and good choice....it goes a long way!!! Notice his victories!

Hope this helps!!

God Bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -75lbs

[BPM 0]

Hey people,

This is mostly just a rant but if any one has any thing to add please do. I have been obese my entire life. And it had become such a problem that I had surgery to help me overcome that difficulty.

My husband was a bean pole until we married. Since we got married he has steadily gained weight. He is now what is considered borderline "fat" not obese by any means. 190lbs 6ft. but he has a pretty big tummy, little to no muscle, the doctor told him to exercise and lose a little fat and gain a little muscle

Tonight i fried him 2 eggs for dinner, 3 slices of ham and 2 slices of buttered toast with a mug of chocolate milk. This is not a normal dinner, it was ment as a treat because I came home really late and to make up for it I made him one of his favorites. When he was finished he said he was still hungry. I asked him if he wanted me to cut him some fruit, or if he wanted a yogurt. No, instead he got a bag of chips and ate the entire bag.

He keeps complaining about how fat he's gotten. His brothers wedding is next month and his suit that we bought last year doesn't fit, we have to buy a new one. But yet every chance he gets he will eat something bad. Every time we go out to eat he stuffs himself until he's sick. He eats everything his mother wouldn't let him have when he lived at home, every chance he gets.

To boot, his parents blame it all on me. It's me and my "American" food thats making him fat.

You think I would be more understanding because of my own problems. I know it's hard, and I understand it's hard. But I'm at a loss for as what to do or how to help him. It's hard enough dealing with my own weight issues and now this.......

This is my take....nobody can help someone else with their weight issues....you either make the choice to change or you don't.

I am sure if you reflect on your own struggle....your strength to finally do something did not come from him...but rather from you.

He needs to make the same decision for himself.

JMO...YMMV.

[K@t 38]

Hey guys, thanks for the input.

We have heart to hearts all the time. We have talked about it. He says he knows that he needs to stop and that he knows he needs to be more carefull, but the next day hes eating a bag of chips. He's got an addiction to food like I do.

He has a mommy complex. He doesn't like to upset his mother, and his mother wouldn't let him eat bad things. So now that she isn't around to tell him no, he eats everything she never let him. And no matter what I say or do helps.

I'm not the greatest example though, I don't always follow all the band rules all the time or eat the best foods all the time. We both have hectic lives and its really difficult to squeeze in any alone time for us, much less exercise.

Hopefully that will all change soon though because we will be moving to the US and taking on a lot less stressful jobs with a lot more free time.:clap2:

[paula 4]

Men have such a strong will-power. Stronger then women.

I bet that with a little incouragment (motivation) your husband will get on the right track.

like.....

Since its just the 2 of you, why dont y'all have a race or challenge to see who can lose xx amount of weight?!

Guys hate to lose at any game or anything else, so I bet this may spark his interest in losing a little poundage!

With that male will-power, I bet his total weightloss will double what yours will be! :biggrin1:

[KariK 0]

I keep seeing the word 'chips'. If I have chocolate in the house my husband and I can't stop eating until its gone... I don't buy chocolate anymore unless its a Protein Shake. Maybe stop buying chips? Just a thought. I think for us chocolate is a trigger food, if we eat that then it carried over into binging on other stuff. Buy some LF triscuts or something to substitute for the crunchies he is craving. Good luck to you!

[lisah25 3]

Tonight i fried him 2 eggs for dinner, 3 slices of ham and 2 slices of buttered toast with a mug of chocolate milk. This is not a normal dinner, it was ment as a treat because I came home really late and to make up for it I made him one of his favorites.

You've already gotten some very good advice, all I have to was triggered by what you said above. It sounds like perhaps you all have a pattern like DH and I struggle with, that is using food as a treat/reward? If so, maybe find other ways to treat each other?

And I need to think about that for myself. Hum, maybe a nice backrub or something like that...

[Elisabethsew 50]

Can you plan meals ahead for a few days so that these high fat/high calorie dinners become a thing of the past? Stock the house up with healthy foods that you both enjoy. Join a gym together or establish an exercise program.

If you take the focus OFF your husband's weight and make it seem like YOU need HIS help to be successful, chances are he'll be up to the challenge.

[DrewsLou 3]

Your getting good advice here K@t! Just wanted to give you *hugs*!!

[K@t 38]

Hey guys thanks so much.

If you take the focus OFF your husband's weight and make it seem like YOU need HIS help to be successful, chances are he'll be up to the challenge.

I think this is the direction I need to go. Also chips are a trigger and I try not to buy them, but he goes and gets them some place else any way.

[KariK 0]

Yesterday my husband brought home a cake from the grocery store, and I was SO tempted. When he went outside I threw it in the garbage. He just assumed I ate it. LOL. I did eat one morsel but that was it. I almost wonder if subconsciously he's trying to sabatoge me.. Do you think your husbands doing that to you? Im going to keep throwing that junk away! Maybe you could do that too??

Hey guys thanks so much.

I think this is the direction I need to go. Also chips are a trigger and I try not to buy them, but he goes and gets them some place else any way.

[K@t 38]

I think that some husbands probably do try to sabatoge their wives, but I know my man and hes to selfish for that. He rarely thinks of me (christmas and birthdays are a nightmare!) and I'm sure he's buying the chips because he wants them and he's just not thinking that it might be difficult for me to have them in the house as well. ahh well, we have talked about it some more and he has promised that when we get back from vacation we are both going to start trying harder.