Unhappy With Life

[Joiebean 53]

I'm not sure if this is just plain old unhappiness or if this is my depression talking....I have scheduled an appt with my primary care and therapist, but I don't know what it is. I've lost about 45 lbs, am in onederland and am now feeling better about myself....but I feel so unfullfilled. My relationship with my husband would probably make most people envious except that there really isn't any passion and i've been flirting with the idea of going elsewhere. Which I really wouldn't do, but it sounds exciting to me....something that we don't have much of these days. I talked with him about the unfullfilled feeling and he feels it too, but neither of us have any idea what to do about it. We don't have kids, and up until now, never wanted them. We started discussing it, but because of surgery, I couldn't even think about getting pregnant until next year. But I still don't know if that is a valid reason to have a child. Or if I really want one, or if I'm just bored. My career is really going well, I'm only 31 and am where most people are in my career in their mid 40's.

I feel like I live my life for everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I like being there for my husband and my family, but sometimes I just feel like I do everything for everyone else and supress what I really want to do to not make waves. (i.e. my husband is okay with me taking a class if it is free, but the minute we have to pay for it, he doesn't think its worth it. Or if he doesn't understand the importance of it, he doesn't put any value to it and doesn't think its worth the money.)

Not really sure what to do, but if anyone else has been here, I'd love to hear how you worked through it.

I should also probably say this isn't the first time I've felt like this. Its seems to be cyclical.

[Itsanewdaycassandra 45]

_{This is too heavy for me to just respond to simply, but I would like to say that, I have been there and marriage is a challenge. For myself and my marriage I have to remind myself that it is a partnership, and it is ok to put my needs out there and make waves or ripples in the partnership if I need. WLS is also difficult for me because I now have to take care of myself and prioritize what my body needs. I struggle with caring for myself as I would care for others. I wish you luck with therapy, it’s nice to have someone non judgmental to talk to.}

[thinoneday 445]

This happened to me. . . i too flirted with the idea of cheating, but STD/HIV scared that thought right out of my brain. . . my hubbie is everything to me, so why would I want to hurt him. . . I found out it was just plain boredom and all i really wanted was just someone to "go out" with. . .go places and do stuff not to have sex. . I didn't want a relationship cause I had a fabulous one with DH and couldn't see losing him over that. . .I'm glad i didn't do it. . . replacing it with a kid could cause more problems cause kids are very stressful. . . Just my thoughts. . . maybe you two need a break from lifes stresses. . . take a nice vacation together and/or just reflect on the many reasons why you are together. . . write down the pro's and con's of being together and when you see your pro's outweighing your con's you'll be happy about that. . . sometimes it's just a little change to make it all better. . . vacations are wonderful if you can do that. . . good luck!

[ChaChaBurch 60]

Joiebean - I went through something similar with my 1st husband. The lost interest in each other, the feeling of being unfulfilled, etc. We had 2 young daughters, and I did everything for them and my husband, and my family, and my co-workers, and, and, and. Never anything for myself. What I would suggest is that first and foremost you keep those appointments with the Dr. and the therapist. See what they have to say. If there's no physical reason for what's going on, seek therapy/counselling. Do this first and foremost for yourself. At some point, your therapist may want you and your hubby to seek marital counselling. My 1st hubby refused. He said there was nothing wrong with him. Needless to say, in the end, our marriage failed -- not that yours is -- just what happened to us. Both of us eneded up not trying anymore. Having a child will either help improve your relationship with your hubby IF you already have a good relationship OR put additional negative stress on your relationship with your hubby IF you have an already stressful relationship. I truly hope that this is something that will pass and that you can find the source and take the reins of your own happiness. Hugs.

[BKMama 179]

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I'm glad you've made an appointment with your therapist. Not sure if it's too personal of a question, but are you on meds for your depression? I've read that your meds need to be closely watched after WLS as they aren't absorbed the same as before. You may just need a different dosage.

Otherwise, would your husband do couples therapy/counseling? Sometimes, the neutral third party can make a WORLD of difference in a marriage. I've found that we just don't really hear each other sometimes and having that third party there to moderate and even just repeat what someone just said causes some "aha" moments.

Take care and good luck! *hugs*

Wanted to add:

When me and hubby get into the rut of everyday life...go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, lather rise, repeat...we schedule a date night or a "hooky" day where we both take off of work and just hang out with one another. When is the last time you and your hubby went on a real date?

[Joiebean 53]

BKmama, to answer your questions....yup, I take meds for my depression, but I had never heard that they absorb differently after wls...I'll definitely make sure to ask my doc about that next week. I'm really hoping that this is just some chemical unbalance because I hate feeling this way....

And my husband and I have actually been going to marriage counseling for the past year. We had a big blow up last August where he said some things that were very hurtful and I left. That snapped him out of the delusion that I would stay no matter what and he's been trying much more since then, but I'm not sure if he's slipping back to his old habits. I have no problem being on my own...I actually prefer it, I've taken care of myself since i wa 17, so having a needy husband is one of the things I have a hard time with myself.

Btw, thank you all for sharing your thoughts. It helps me organize my own and think about things differently. I appreciate it. and it makes it feel better than I'm not the only one who has gone through it.

[Finding MeMe 204]

It's time for assertiveness training. Time to put your needs first, tell him what you plan to do and stick with it. You are working making money and if you choose to take a class so be it. He will get over it, if not move on. Good luck with counseling but hubby needs to know that you are serious.

[Jen K 20]

I have to agree with BKMama. Sounds like maybe the two of you need to reconnect. Official Date nights are a fantastic way to reconnect. My hubby and I have tried numerous times to implement a monthly date date (have 4 kiddos so any more frequent is impossible). We take turns planning it so that way we each get to do stuff we like and introduce new things to our spouse. For example, if I am planning date night and want to go to the theater to see a play then that's what we do - no griping. When he plans and wants to go to a ball game, well we do that. We may not always like the same things as our significant others, but there is no reason we can't be exposed to it and enjoy the time together.

As for taking a class that costs money, well if it is something you want and can afford I don't see why you couldn't. Self enrichment and growth is part of life and just because hubby doesn't see the importance, you do. And I believe you said you have a job....

Good Luck with everything!

[aviiva 140]

think back to why you fell in love in. the first place. marriages have peaks and valleys and the passion you first felt changes. finding someone new is exciting but out doesn't last. I am a therapist. sometimes people forget to honor the commitment they made. maybe you both need to go to counseling together. also remember you are going through changes out is normal to feel the way you do.

[twoboysandagirl 109]

This may not be a popular reply but that is ok...In my opinion, in society today people throw away marriages any time they want. There is this thought that if you are unhappy it must be because of your spouse and you should maybe try a few things but if that doesnt work its ok to get a divorce. I am so frustrated with the throw away marriages in our culture. Marriage takes gobbs of work. Constantly. You will fall out of like with your spouse and it will be up to you to change that. If you think you will find that perfect person who will please you and excite you 100% of the time you are crazy...they dont exist. And one reason is because you change too. I pray you do whatever it takes to fight for your marriage and that you and your husband work together to make it a happy life for both of you!

I just wanted to encourage you that you can get through this and come out on the other side with a better marriage!

[Joiebean 53]

I appreciate your comments twoboysandagirl. I agree with you. That's why I'm trying everything I can to be happy. Thank you for saying its normal to fall out of like with our spouses. I actually makes me feel more normal. And I definitely don't want to throw in the towel. We work really hard to make it a good marriage. Its just not that exciting. But then....is it always supposed to be? probably not.

I think we rushed into getting married too. Got engaged when we were both still infautated with each other and then by the time the wedding came around, I think neither of us wanted to conceed that we rushed into it. But we are compatiable and I do love him.

Oh and regarding my job....(and I know this will sound like a jab) but I do make more than him. Not a ton more, but enough, and am more advanced in my career, with a higher degree.

[kyllfalcon 768]

I find that the actual DOING of something together, not just "date night", helps tremendously. For example, we cook together, we garden together, we target shoot together. He and I both have other interests that we do not share, but we each are supportive of the other in their own interests. It helps keep the individuals and the couple interested and interesting.

But, passion fades. We don't swing from the chandeliers much anymore, but the love and commitment continue to deepen.

[favoredone 590]

And, you can pay for your classes w/ the money you saved since being sleeved!! I'm sure your food bill decreased! Unless he started eating more!! LOL..

I'm not married.. so I don't reallyl know what you are dealing w/ on that front.. but the sense of being unfulfilled and kind of coasting through life.. I'm w/ you sister!!! I've adopted this "New thing a month" exercise... I do something new each month... This month I just hosted my first karaoke show!!! I couldn't believe the rush of excitement.. I'm smiling now as I remember the feeling!!...

I've gone to places I never would have considered before.. and I've had a blast.. I've stayed HOME and slept/rested... just because I'm usually taking care of everybody else and neglecting myself...

I hope to take a salsa class next month.. heck, I can't dance... but so what!!!

Enjoy your journey and your life to the fullest, we only get one down here!!!

[Joiebean 53]

favordone, that's awesome!! I wish we had stuff like that around here, but it would take some real searching. After reading everyone's posts....and assessing more of my mood, i think its an inbalance in my meds. I am really fed up with work...and while I have a reason to be, I am miserable here too, not just at home. I think the idea of an affair is just something to give me a small jolt of adrenaline to snap me out of it, but then I'd just feel guilty....really guilty...and have to live with it. And I would never hurt my husband that way. So I definitely won't do that....but i WILL be talking to my doc very soon to figure out how to remedy this.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I truly appreciate being able to speak from the heart here without getting judged.

[2BonederfulAgain 17]

_{THIS SOUNDS LIKE ME...I JUST POSTED ABOUT THIS!!!!}

_{My husband and I are in a rut! and Much like you I love him dearly and he loves me but MEN ARE SELFISH...}

_{I HAVE THE SAME ISSUES...especially in terms of money and what SCHOOL COSTS...}

_{We seem to have the habit of putting everyone before us and the moment we put ourselves first ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and then we are the wrong ones which make us feel worse and we either compensate by giving in to what they need and forgetting about ourselves or shutting our emotions up and sucking it in. THIS IS BULLSHIT!!}

_{Do what you can to save your relationship...I know I am. But before that DO ALL YOU CAN TO SAVE YOURSELF!! Without a you a real you there is no relationship. Im learning this now too! This is why Im starting school again in May...right after this surgery that IM DOING FOR ME...I need to feel good about me before I can feel good about him...}