Unsupportive Husband Thinks Sleeve Wont Work

[melissamae99 14]

So I have been thinking of getting surgery for quite some time now. I have family that are very supportive of my decision. However, my husband basically thinks that since I have never been able to lose it and stick with any plan in the past that this is a bad choice. He doesn't get where I am coming from and thinks I will fail yet again at this weight loss battle. I really don't know how to explain it to him. I have said the surgery itself will make me lose the weight. In losing a good amount, I will feel more energetic and want to get out and be more active. I am 100% going to have the VS but really want his support through it all. Any advice or thoughts?? I am a newbie here but have really enjoyed reading some of the topics and am amazed at everyone's photos! Any thoughts are appreciated!

[Caradina 65]

Well, while you certainly could sabotage your success with the sleeve by bad choices, there is not way for it really fail. It reduces your stomach size to a tiny amount, only a few ounces. It's pretty hard to fail when your capacity is so limited. You have no choice but to stick with it. If you overeat, or in my case, eat something really fatty, fried, or sugary, you WILL puke. Once you've done that a few times, you quickly fall in line. It sounds like he doesn't understand that the surgery isn't just another diet. It's a tool against hunger, and by it's sheer tenacity and limitation of size, it prevents us from sabotaging ourselves. I would invite him to research on his own. That is what I had to do to get my BF and mother onboard. I also went to Mexico so I had that battle to fight too. Now that I'm sleeved a month out, and losing weight, they are singing a much more positive tune.

[twoboysandagirl 109]

I would sit down with him and read through this site...have him go with you to see your dr. I'm willing to bet (not knowing him-but hearing others posts about this same thing) his concerns have more to do with fear of things going wrong, or changes in you, or even what foods he will have to give up). Ask him to be honest with you about all the things he is thinking. Just keep talking about it!

[Smoggy 152]

Hi there melissamae99 and welcome! I am also planning surgery, and have been researching for ages. I know keeping it off is the key, and the sleeve is simply a tool. Many sleevers have failed through thinking the sleeve will do everything for them -and so for me, I am seeing a psychologist to get to the bottom of my "head hunger" so I am armed with all the tools at my disposal to take it off and keep it off. I am so sorry your OH is not supportive. Surely you deserve the benefit of the doubt, this is a powerful and serious route to take and it seems he is mentally setting you up for failure no matter what you do. Perhaps he is not as invested in your WL as you think. Some friends and family are enablers and it suits them that we remain obese for whatever reasons. I may be completely off base here but if you are serious enough to consider surgery and he is not against it for fear of complications, encouragement is the least you can ask. I am so doggone stubborn that in your situation I we'd be on they warpath now to PROVE him wrong! How's that for an extra bit of motivation! Good luck and I do hope he sees the light. Xx

[irishmama2004 34]

I took my husband to the seminar that my surgeon holds monthly. You cannot argue with the facts in his slide show. What your husband may really be saying is that he is scared or worried for you or that he is intimidated that you may really be successful. If he gets the facts and is still hesitant I think you will know to read between the lines. Good luck! Glad you have other support if he does not come around.

[kemo46 82]

He needs to get on the forums and talk with people that have actually had the surgery. Have him go to my blog and read from the beginning, the surgery is a lifesaver. Education and facts are the key that will help him.

[clk 3,519]

A lot depends on what his motivation is, so yes, the idea to bring him to a seminar or have him do his own research is a good one. If he's trying to keep you from getting your hopes up too high, that's one thing. If he's anxious about you losing the weight because of his own insecurities, it's another. And if he just doesn't want the financial burden if it doesn't work that's also another thing entirely!

My husband was supportive to the extent that once I told him I wanted to do it he backed me up. However, he never felt I needed to lose weight. He was worried a little bit that we would wind up spending another large chunk of our own money to fund yet another diet attempt on my part. As I've lost he and I have had to have more than one heart-to-heart about how he's feeling because I think part of him never really did expect all of the changes that came with the surgery. Not just losing weight, but personality changes in me and total lifestyle changes that have affected our entire family, too.

Talk it out and ask him where he's coming from. You'll be better off post op if he's worried about money or failure, and will have a bigger issue if the problem is insecurity on his part.

Marriages that are in a good place prior to surgery generally improve or at least don't worsen. Folks that have tension prior to surgery can have real problems afterward, so get it all out in the open now.

~Cheri

[irishmama2004 34]

A lot depends on what his motivation is, so yes, the idea to bring him to a seminar or have him do his own research is a good one. If he's trying to keep you from getting your hopes up too high, that's one thing. If he's anxious about you losing the weight because of his own insecurities, it's another. And if he just doesn't want the financial burden if it doesn't work that's also another thing entirely!

My husband was supportive to the extent that once I told him I wanted to do it he backed me up. However, he never felt I needed to lose weight. He was worried a little bit that we would wind up spending another large chunk of our own money to fund yet another diet attempt on my part. As I've lost he and I have had to have more than one heart-to-heart about how he's feeling because I think part of him never really did expect all of the changes that came with the surgery. Not just losing weight, but personality changes in me and total lifestyle changes that have affected our entire family, too.

Talk it out and ask him where he's coming from. You'll be better off post op if he's worried about money or failure, and will have a bigger issue if the problem is insecurity on his part.

Marriages that are in a good place prior to surgery generally improve or at least don't worsen. Folks that have tension prior to surgery can have real problems afterward, so get it all out in the open now.

~Cheri

Cheri-That is so true and I had not thought about that. Yes, my husband has forked over money for gym memberships, trainers, countless WW fees even when I wasn't attending. He has seen me say "This Friday, no more" or "starting April 1 I am going to..." so no one can blame a little skepticism. Tom is incredibly supportive but sometimes I see a little doubt or maybe sense the hesitation and I think he isn't being fair but I think I probably owe him that for all that he has has supported over the years.

[melissamae99 14]

Thank you all for the advice and support. I think he is on the fence for many reasons. I know we have spent money on lots of failed attempts to lose the weight, and nothing I have ever tried before has worked. But that is the reason I want to go through with the surgery. My feelings are in this 100% and I will make it work. I want to finally lose and be able to chase my kids, go for walks, and just enjoy a life without feeling fat!!

I have asked him to watch a taped seminar of my doctor's information...he hasn't taken the time to do that yet. Weight loss has been a difficult subject in our marriage for years. I just think I will have to prove it to him and kick this into high gear!

[melissamae99 14]

Surgery scheduled for May 29th!!

[thebionicbroad 127]

Good for you! My husband of 23 years has watched me try everything to lose weight and fail. This surgery has been a miracle for both of us. Keep us up on how you are doing!

[MegInNOLA 531]

My husband was sleeved a year before me and had great success, so he was 100% supportive of my decision to do it, too; in fact, he was my biggest cheerleader and was very encouraging. I think the key is, as others say, education and getting the facts. Let's face it, none of us would have this surgery if we didn't need it. Not one person here would happily hop onto a surgeon's table and say, "Hey, cut out most of my stomach, please," if we didn't absolutely need to--because we couldn't lose weight in other ways and keep it off. Happily for us, this procedure allows us a way to live longer, to be healthier, to enjoy life more--thank goodness for the sleeve!!!!! I'm happy you got your date, and I'm hoping your husband has taken the time to check it all out, prepare himself as best he can for y'all's new life together, and is ready to roll with ya! You will find, I think, a much happier you, and he will have a much happier wife in the long run. That's what my husband says, anyway!

[Smoggy 152]

Thank you all for the advice and support. I think he is on the fence for many reasons. I know we have spent money on lots of failed attempts to lose the weight, and nothing I have ever tried before has worked. But that is the reason I want to go through with the surgery. My feelings are in this 100% and I will make it work. I want to finally lose and be able to chase my kids, go for walks, and just enjoy a life without feeling fat!!

I have asked him to watch a taped seminar of my doctor's information...he hasn't taken the time to do that yet. Weight loss has been a difficult subject in our marriage for years. I just think I will have to prove it to him and kick this into high gear!

Go girl! You can do it!

[nowatgoal 77]

Surgery scheduled for May 29th!!

I'm impressed that you are going to take care of yourself with or without your husband's support. It can be difficult to swim up stream but it seems you know deep down that this will ultimately be a good thing in spite of other's misgivings. Hopefully, when you've had the surgery and there's no turning back, hubby will get on board. The weight will drop off very quickly at first and that might shake things up a bit for him as he sees such immediate results. This forum has been a tremendous source of support so I hope, if you're ever feeling alone in your journey, that you post and let us be there for you. Here's to MAY 29TH!

[SV2 57]

My wife is the same. I was banded in 2007, and it slipped within the first few days. As a result, my weight loss has not been good. I was able to eat pretty much anything.

She thinks the sleeve will fail, too, or I will at least eat around it. She doesn't want me going through another surgery, either. She thinks it's too radical and risky since I'm "only" 235 and 5'9". Our out of pocket share of insurance is already covered for the year since we had a baby and I had my gallbladder out, so the surgery would basically be free as long as I have it this year. She also thinks I can just lose enough of the weight myself without surgery.

She's basically not supportive, and thinks I shouldn't do it. It's very discouraging, to the point that I don't talk to her about it.

She may go to the seminar Monday night with me. We'll see how that goes.

Thanks for letting me vent.