New Friend Issues.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I def get more attention from guys. I really don't know what to do with it sometimes, I am almost 59 and its been a while sense I have had this much attention! It is the size, but also the confidence. I also dress different. I used to wear black all the time. I LOVED black. I also love color, but when I would put it on, it just made my skin crawl and I had to take it off. Now when I wear black I feel invisible. I guess that says something about why I was wearing it in the first place? I crave color now... and pattern and texture. Its like I DID get brain surgery.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I lost 50 lbs, and got about halfway to goal on a horrible restrictive and painful diet a few years ago. I'm pretty active in the club / music scene here in Detroit, and so I superficially "know" loads of people. It was shocking how many guys came out of the woodwork and tried to date me once I got down to that smaller size. Then, as the weight sprang back on, as it always does... off they went again. I was single then, and I used to tell them straight up, "I wasn't good enough for you before I lost weight, so you aren't good enough for me now". LOL That stunned them! Thankfully, I am with a great guy now so hopefully it'll be less apparant this time around.

When I was in high school I went on a diet and lost 20 pounds. I also followed the advice of "facinating womanhood" this kind of creepy book that gives advice on how to attract men... or make them happy.... I lost the weight and started wearing my moms cloths... in about a week I had two guys ask me to the prom. I cooled off pretty quick to the 'non me" advice of the book, and yep, you guessed it, they retracted the offer. Of course, I wasn't being the real me either... so I guess I cant really blame them.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

...I have a different take on this "attention" thing.. first, I have my preferences in men and short men shouldn't be upset because I don't find them attractive.. Neither do I get upset when men who prefer thin women don't find me attractive... I'm not talking about people who are rude and disgusting.. I'm referring specifically to people who have a physical preference... There's nothing wrong with that...

I totally agree! As long as the person is not rude, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having preferences in a mate.

In spite of being overweight, I certainly have my own preferences. Even as an overweight person, I would be unlikely to date an overweight guy. Of course I have been married through my last bout of being overweight prior to VSG. But I prefer a full head of hair on a guy, and if my husband were to lose his hair, I would want him to try to do something. It is just preference, and that's okay.

When I met and married my husband, I was not big, so I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband who has loved me through big and small. Some men might have threatened to leave or even left.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I have no problem with the idea that the men who give me attention now may or may not have given me attention previously because, how could I expect them to like me when I didn't like me? I did get "play" a a very heavy woman, there are men out there that DIG it. But I didn't love me, and it showed, in my size, my behavior, my self destruction. So no worries there. Also, I carefully screen, if I get the slightest whiff that a man might have fat (or other) prejudices, thanks for playing, good bye! And since I am so short and still fluffy (40 lbs to goal), if a man shows interest in me, he clearly doesn't have a problem with curves.

The part that IS upsetting, is the freedom some people seem to feel to fat-bash and use bigoted slurs. I almost feel at times as though I were a person of color, secretly hiding in another ethnicity's appearance, hearing how they "really" talk, when they think they are among their own "kind". They just unconcernedly toss around terms like, fat slob, stupid fat ass, fat jokes of every kind, remarks that clearly indicate that they regard the worth of a person and their pant size as synonymous. Sometimes I'm so startled, I don't know how to respond and so say nothing, which makes me angry at myself.

I've lost 128 pounds, am a size 12ish, but I really don't notice any extra male attention.

[Wheetsin 714]

I may be odd woman out here, but it won't make me mad to get attention later that I don't get now. For one I'm married, so at best it's a compliment, and at the end of the day who cares.

For two, human nature has set up attraction to be, at least initially, a physical thing. It just is. That can change once you know someone's personality or some other attractive quality, but in an on-the-street type of encounter that's not going to happen. I don't look at a guy walking by me and think, "Oooh, I bet he shares my extraordinarily irreverent sense of humor" and I don't expect a guy to do the same. I AM fat, and fat IS unattractive at least on that level of initial physical reaction (except for people who truly prefer fat bodies to normal bodies, but that's definitely an exception). There's a body type I'm attractive to and needless to say it's not Patton Oswalt. I don't expect a guy to be any different.

Just MHO.

[BenisaMartim4 369]

When I was in high school I went on a diet and lost 20 pounds. I also followed the advice of "facinating womanhood" this kind of creepy book that gives advice on how to attract men... or make them happy.... I lost the weight and started wearing my moms cloths... in about a week I had two guys ask me to the prom. I cooled off pretty quick to the 'non me" advice of the book, and yep, you guessed it, they retracted the offer. Of course, I wasn't being the real me either... so I guess I cant really blame them.

I have read that book too. I thought it was kind of neat. It was in the style of the Proverbs 31 woman.

[BKMama 179]

It's definitely hard to swallow but men are such visual creatures that it doesn't surprise me at all. I have shorter "natural" hair (i.e. a wild curly afro) but for the past few weeks I've had a long wavy weave (like in my profile pic) and it has been so interesting how differently people react to me. I literally laughed at a coworker who sees me all of the time but waited until I had the weave to actually talk to me. I'm like "dude, the afro is under this and is coming back!". LOL Even my female coworkers have reached out to me more lately.

I know that the extra attention is something I will need to really get used to. I try to blend in a much as possible now (isn't it ironic how our size renders us invisible?!) and I'm sure as my confidence rises I won't actively do that any more. I keep asking my husband stuff about getting "too small" (who worries about that?!) because I am honestly terrified that when I don't look like the woman he's been with for 15 years, I don't want to lose him. He assures me he isn't going anywhere but it stays in the back of my head.

[mamasez 9]

Great thread / topic. My mom was always overweight. This was back in the time when most people were thin and fat ladies were thought of as lazy, dirty people (I was born in 1962). My mom had/has gorgeous skin, hair, always dressed well, is very clean and neat, and is a loving, giving, kind person to everyone. I grew up with her going on one diet and program and pills after another. The pills led to a couple of breakdowns and hospitalizations. All her family, parents, sibs, cousins, were thin. She was born chubby and fought her physical "problem" (and still does at age 80) her whole life. I have watched her be treated rudely and cruelly. People made fun of her, and therefore of her 3 kids. I adopted a tough girl viewpoint about it all and defended my mom. Although I was fun loving and friendly when younger (and like to think I still am!), I was also known to not take any sh%# off on ANYONE, kid or adult. I learned early on that you get the behavior you tolerate. Can I reitterate that? You get the behavior you tolerate.

I suppose the experience of being the only kid around (besides my sibs) who's Mom was obese shaped my attitudes about how people treat one another with regard to weight.

I have yo-yo'd weight wise my whole life. I lost 50 lbs several times, I lost. 80 lbs twice and so forth. I also had guys (and girls for that matter) be more attracted to me when I lost weight and slimmed down. Sorry if some people think this attitude is harsh, but if you showed an interest only after I lost weight, you were automatically no longer a good friend or romantic interest of mine. Period.

I live by the Maya Angelou philosophy: when people show you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.

I am pretty picky as to whom I "let in" these days. I will be friendly and helpful to people, but I don't let.them in too far if I sense they are judgemental about people's weight. But I am also that way about race, religion, disabilities, etc. Treat people the right way. If not, bye-bye.

Leah in TX

[Pookeyism 1,143]

I appreciate the feedback! Very interesting responses.

I made a really hard decision over the weekend based on asking myself not if they liked me before, because I knew they did - but was I hanging on because they had...at the detriment of us both (in no way related to Hubby or such, lol).

I decided that yes, in a big way I was hanging on because I knew they really liked the old me - and liked the new me, but our relationship was strained and a bit volatile, and I can't have it in my life. :'(

Friendships are strange and I never used "forever" anywhere in the goodbye, but stressed I couldnt be there. I DID tell her I knew she had always cared for me (fat or thin), and always would - and so would I.