Never admitted until NOW

MarySue33 · September 18, 2006

When I was in HS I used to drive to Weight Watchers for my weekly weigh in -- and feeling very hungry after starving myself all day on Monday to make up for a 'bad' week and even worse weekend of sneak eating. On the way to the meeting I would skip the drive through and zip into the grocery store to pick up not one, but two, frozen Sara Lee cheesecakes. (It has been probably 20 years since I have had a Sara Lee frozen cheesecake, but just typing this is making me salivate.)

I had to pick them up BEFORE the meeting because they would need to have time to thaw a little bit so they wouldn't break my teeth! After the meeting I would either reward or console myself depending on the magic numbers on the scale by gorging myself on both of the cheesecakes on the drive home. (They were small...at least that is how I rationalized it at the time.) I would peel the foil pan back and hold a mostly-frozen cheesecake in one hand while I steered with the other hand.

I grew up on a farm and this was before the days that littering was a big deal, so I would zip down a back road and chuck the foil pan and the cardboard lid out the window and would just make sure to sweep the tasty graham cracker crumbs off my lap and off of the front seat of my dad's car to destroy the evidence.

No wonder I never lost much on Weight Watchers!

More recently, I have a car that automatically drives itself into the McDonald's drive thru every morning on my way to work. I live in a semi-rural area and we don't have all that many choices for fast food, so I keep hitting the same one over and over again. You know it's bad when on Friday the drive thru lady says, "See you Monday!" and the fact that I knew not only WHEN she was going on vacation, but that she was going to visit her in-laws who live in the mountains. I was starting to know more about her than I was about my coworkers!

I have not yet been banded, but I am going to start making a conscious effort tomorrow to drive right on by the drive thru. The lady at the window may file a missing person's report...but it will feel good to feel like I am getting some control back!

Mary

DaniKLargo · September 18, 2006

Mary I have my own special relationship with the BK drive-thru guy :-) He knows when I'm late for work or been on vacation - some weeks I see more of him than my husband. I think this would qualify as an unhealthy relationship all around, but I just keep going back :-)

Teresita · September 18, 2006

food Network is still my nemisis and I can't turn away. I can turn the channel walk through the living room go to the bathroom, go the kitchen and by time I get back to the living room the dag on channel is back on Food Network. How did that happen, then I say I turned from that because it was making me upset(hungry). I love food shows....ummmmmmm.

Marysuee33 goodluck and let us know if you are able to get yoru car to go pass the McD. Been there done that.

I have

Bojangles

KFC

Taco Bell

Burger King

Popeyes

Checkers

Wendys and

McDonalds in that order near me. (WOW I didn't relize there were so many, I need to move)

I can get the closest one in 2 min and farthest in 4min. That is so sad. I thank God for my band. I still visit all of these wonderful locations but not everyday as I did in the past and my choices are a whole lot smaller or diffrent all together. Now I can actually drive pass these places even when I have money in my pocket.

BJean · September 18, 2006

Mary: Years ago I paid big money to go to a specialist evert week for check ups while I was on Optifast. I would always leave there, loss or not, and buy a large chicken sandwich meal at Wendi's. The rest of the week, I only cheated with smaller things.

The past few months before the pre-op LB diet, every time I drove through Chick-Fil-A, I ordered not only the largest number of chicken strips you can get, I also ordered the largest number of nuggets you can get. For a while I thought the clerk was giving me the benefit of the doubt with her look. But after a while, she started sneering when she took my money. It got to be so embarrassing that I would drive all the way across town to avoid her. It only took me about an extra 45 minutes! It was the same way with the Starbucks drive through.

And as for the evidence, if I had to pick up my daughter or husband, I would find a road less traveled and dump the trash, hoping no one was watching. I knew how creepy it was and that made me feel almost as bad as the overeating did.

You are not alone!

Teresita · September 18, 2006

Overeaters are some serious literbugs. We all dumped our evidence out the window.

BJean · September 18, 2006

Mary - I LOVE the Margaret Thatcher quote!

Ms. Vicki · September 18, 2006

I can so relate to Mom of Many.....I have a reputation of being a really good cook. I love to cater parties and will go all out to please anybody and everybody, with the secret thrill of being able to "test" each item on my own body!

I've have loved to cook and EAT for as long as I can remember. My passion is collecting and reading cookbooks. I must have at least 500 so far and will buy any new one I see that has just one recipe I want to try. I could watch the FoodNetwork 24/7 if I didn’t have other things to do.

I love to watch others enjoy eating my cooking and telling me how good it is........I don't mean to come across as a self-centered person (just the opposite of my true self), but my insecure self "feeds" on this need to be accepted for something.

I don’t always hide the food, but will hide MYSELF when I am eating food. I will wait until my family is out of the house and then go to the kitchen to see what I find/fix good to eat. No, not because I’m hungry, just want to enjoy the experience of eating. I’ll stand at the kitchen window and watch for them to come back and eat until they return. Then I’ll go and sit in the recliner just like I was when they left and they are never the wiser. Of course, I have to push any food wrappers to the bottom of the trash can so they don’t find the evidence.

I must admit that even though the band is helping and I'm so glad I have it, I frequently eat "past" the band. I should be stopping after I feel "satisfied", but don't just because I enjoy the taste and texture of the food. I guess that is what having an addiction to food is all about, and why I am and have always been overweight. I need to find a way to get past the addiction and conquer my demon. In the beginning (post-banding), I could eat a few bites and not feel hungry. I could even watch others eat and not feel deprived. I would walk away from food with not problem. Now, when I get “full”, I just wait a few minutes and am able to eat again. Maybe I just need another fill. Does getting to your “sweet spot” with the fills abolish the “want” to eat?

I have spent too much time, money and effort on the Band to let it be a failure. Too many people are watching me and waiting for results. I need a kick in the pants (or something) that will get my brain back into the proper mindset. What’s it gonna take? Still searching………..

BJean · September 18, 2006

Miss Vicki: For what it's worth, I've been the hostess with the mostess almost all of my adult life too. Everyone loves to come to my house for dinner. I've always enjoyed the rave reviews - it is a very large part of who I am. I love to eat and give good party more than I love to do anything else.

But what I realized is that I am going to die an early death and in my coffin, I am going to be one big, fat, unattractive mamma. No one will be surprised at my early death, either. It will be something everyone will be saddened by, but what can you do? "She loved to eat" could be inscribed on my tombstone. What a legacy!

I figured out what I can do. I can change it. I am positively the only one who can change it. The question has been, do I want to change it? I have battled back and forth with myself for a very long time over this delimma. I thought that if I gave up the way I loved to cook and eat, life just wouldn't be worth living anyway. So what the heck? I thought I was pretty happy, so what if I am much bigger than I should be?

This unhealthy, self-absorbed lifestyle I lead is actually NOT making me happy. I've been on anti-depressants for a while and as my head is being cleared by them, I've come to realize that not only am I not happy being MO, I am withdrawn, lonely and really don't like myself much - in spite of years of telling myself what a sparkling, fun, witty, fabulous cook and entertainer I am. In spite of telling myself that everyone loves to be around me, even if I am fat.

I realize now that I don't respect myself for secretive binge eating. I don't respect myself for not getting out of the house and exercising. I don't respect myself for choosing to self-distruct. I don't respect myself for choosing a certain death over spending more time with my DH and family. I don't respect myself for having such a disgusting appearance, and thinking that other people are rude for not respecting me.

The Lap Band was a huge decision for me. Any elective surgery is HUGE! And to have a prosthesis in the core of my being, for the rest of my life, simply as a tool to remind me to stop eating, is HUGE! So when I went into this, I didn't choose it because people were disgusted by me, or because my DH or children were disgusted by the enormous portions I ate, or because of anything anyone else thinks of me. I did it because I was disgusted. I am the one who has to wear the thing. I am the one who has to eat like I'm supposed to since being banded. I am the only one who can decide this for myself. And I decided to like me again, respect me again and care enough about myself to get back with the living... not the dying.

I have no reason to believe it will be easy in any way. I don't deserve for it to be easy. I embrace that it will be a struggle because I want it to make me stronger. And I REALLY, REALLY want to care about and respect myself again.

laphappy · September 18, 2006

Wow, I just found this thread after coming here for weeks and I am so glad. I too would eat in the car, sometimes in the bathroom even (uck!) to avoid being seen. I could never leave the grocery store without a "treat" for the car ride home. It was so shameful and degrading to myself and those bad feelings just fueled more of a need to feed my emotions with food.

I feel like every post I've read on this thread (and there are many) has taken away a small peice of that shame knowing that I'm not alone! Thanks to everyone who has shared.

I was so worried about getting the band (to be banded in Dec.) because I saw all the great results people had but always wondered, could this work for me? I'm sure none of these people did the aweful thins I do pre banding? To know that the bingeing can be improved with the band (and a healthy dose of self awareness and noggin work) is such a relief.