Never admitted until NOW

[BJean 16]

Wow! You all give me so much hope. I envision myself with the band, not being able to stuff myself and growing slowly slender. I'm trying to make myself accept the fact that this should be a 2-yr program - not overnight. I'm just so frustrated with feeling so lousy about myself, and feeling that food controls me!

[mbprn 0]

My car too, has been a repository for food wrappers for about 20 yrs now. Do you guys remember the movie Alien-the part where the beast comes out of that guy's stomach-at times I've been convinced that one lives in me and needs creme horns and double cheeseburgers to survive.

I hope my band is suffocating him!!!!!!:alien

Since we're bearing our souls one of my lowest points I was at Sam's club and they were giving out samples of cake (mmmm cake) and I just had to have more so instead of knocking over the sample lady and running with the cake- I bought an entire 1/2 sheet cake which I think feeds 400 or so and took it home and told my husband it was 75% off. Really, really sad.:think

[BJean 16]

Oh yeah. I've done the cake thing. Then eat it until it's gone. I can't believe someone said "cream horns" ohmigosh, it is seriously triggering an impulse! I'm sure glad I'm here and I'm going to try to erase that vision from my head... I can almost smell it! Ok. I'm going to move on. I'm supposed to lose 7 to 10 lbs. in the next 2 1/2 weeks. Somthing about shrinking my liver. I'm pretty sure my liver wants to explode everytime I think about cakes, ice cream and cream horns. Right.

[cozzie 0]

I also used to eat and eat for hours every evening and I would go to bed feeling really stuffed so I am very grateful for the band - with regards to cravings and overeating after the band some days I feel I just want to eat and eat and I look at other people eating lots of things the only difference now is that I might eat something that is wrong but it will only be a small amount so again I am very grateful to my band

[BJean 16]

We went on a cruise to Alaska this summer and I was shocked to see how many of the people on the cruise were really huge and could hardly walk. I knew I looked and felt just like that and there was so much food available, constantly, that it sort of actually, quite shocking to me, grossed me out. I was disappointed that I was too big to go on a dogsled ride and hike up on the glaciers, etc. When we got home I found that I had lost 1.5 lbs.

I honestly think I have been in denial all these years. I see a photo of myself (when I haven't been able to hide from the camera) and I don't recognize myself. They say Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

[Goannabanda 0]

Goannabanda: Reading your blog I could feel exactly what you went through! Been there, felt that way. It feels mysterious. Intellectually you know you're above all that. But that primal urge takes over and you can't help yourself. It must be what a junkie feels like. Driven until you get that fix. AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Guess that's why I'm in this mess I'm in.

Thanks BJean - I'm still in shock about what happened this morning - I really thought I had dealt with that demon. Guess it proves that we always need to be vigilant.

Primal urge - I like that expression - it's really what it is, isn't it? Funny how some of us are affected by these urges more strongly than others. It's the same feelings I still get when my 5YO son cries, the feeling that "turned on" oh so strongly when he was born, the emotions and memories stirred when I smell violets (they remind me of my nana).

This morning, I remembered something about how the secret eating started . Since I was about 8 or 9, I used to offer to go to the milk bar for mum on a pretext of buying milk, bread or whatever, and then spending some of HER money on lollies to eat on the way home, or to hide at home for later. I knew it was wrong, on so many levels, not the least of which was because I knew she often didn't have any more money than the little bit left in her purse until pay day. I also (and still do) raid her pantry (and my own) in search of tasty morsels that I can sneak. I think she knew I did it, but I don't thinks she knew how often. I guess it's a power / control thing. Sorry mum. When I see her next, I'll share this with her - it'll help exorcise the demons!

What also scares me- is how easily and adept we all are at hiding the evidence that these events happen to us from time to time. I hate feeling deceptive and deliberately denying God.

I think a lot of the emotions and reasons why I do this stem from the self-loathing that I have for being in this condition - the emotions, (and the depression) gets worse the fatter I get. I know we all share similarities here on one level or another. I am looking forward to liking myself more in my new banded life, and finally freeing myself of these emotional chains (or at least lightening their load!).

I'm at a low ebb today - partly tired (too much late night LBT! lol!), and partly hormones (mid-cycle always gets me down). Got a case of BFU (Big Fat Uglies) just now. The hormonal cycle also seems more out of whack the bigger I get - looking forward to normalising this with weight loss too!

I'll be back on my game again by tomorrow, I'm sure.

Anyway, thanks for your support gang, and especially BJean for taking time to read my blog (it's all out there... ...first time in my life I can write about these things, and now it's comming out in torrents! lol! I AM making progress!).

I am glad not to be alone in these emotions, - I just wish for all of us that we didn't have to deal with these issues in the first place.

[BJean 16]

Goannabanda: I'm so happy to have made contact with you. You're obviously very smart and nice and yet you still have this problem that we share. It has always stumped me why I can be sane and logical about doing all the right things for myself, but when it comes to really staying true to a healthy lifestyle, I lose it.

I've read every book on the subject of diet and nutrition, and I have done every form of exercise you can imagine. I don't know why some people cruise through life and never have this problem, and then there are others of us who get "hooked" and can't seem to overcome this vicious out of control behaviour.

When I see people nowadays who are of a normal weight, I look at them, completely amazed and can't understand how they are able to do it.

I honestly don't know if it is a control thing with me. Perhaps it could be that I have a happy life just on the surface. Maybe I don't like myself. Or it could be that I am just one lazy beeach. I guess this is where the psychoanalysis could help.

I've went to a shrink in the past and she told me that all obese people have been abused in some way when they were children. I couldn't wait to get out of her office. She obviously knows something about me that I don't. I was a very happy go lucky little girl.

Anyway, I think it's great that you and I have been able to unload a little of this baggage. And please know for sure that I will always be open to any discussion about this topic with you.

[gonnabethin 10]

Those skinny people have demons too!! I work with 2 anorexics. Talk about uncomfortable!! If they think they are fat what do they think of me!! Anyway- Ive spent considerable time watching them. They fight daily to eat, not throw up and the use of laxatives is hard to hide. Understand that this is behavior I CAN NOT relate to- other than after a binge I feel the guilt and the fleeting thought races by, but I've never acted on it- thus Im fat!! The skinny people in my office are also excessive workout freaks. Im talking running 5 miles in the am and 2 hours in gym in pm. And God help them if we have birthday cake!!! We have all sat and compared demons Where we eat, they control by not eating. They both have high BP, esophageal and tooth damage, Stress fractures and other malnutrition problems. So in life whether its too much or too little food, alcohol, drugs, smoking or gambling MOST people have some kind of demon to deal with. Thank Goodness I will have a tool to help me function. Now if I can learn to play in my food and push it around on my plate I too can be thin!

[BJean 16]

gonnabethin: I believe that obesity is very much like anorexia in some ways. One way is that at some point food becomes the center of our universe. I also think you can "evolve" into either problem if you get too thin or too obese.

People who are anorexic don't start out trying to make themselves hideously thin. They just want to look good. They stop eating very much and at some point, something is triggered in their brain and they no longer see themselves realistically. They are told they are putting their life in jeopardy. They want to eat, but they just can't.

Obese people don't start eating because they don't care if they're fat. They want to look good, but they also want to feel good. food makes them feel good. They look in the mirror and they think they don't look too bad. It is difficult to see themselves realistically. They reach some level of obesity and a trigger is set off. They become out of control and they are told that they are slowly killing themselves. They really want to stop over eating, but they can't.

It's really wierd. In both cases, one's health is at risk. But it doesn't matter. Food rules our lives. It isn't as simple as I'm making it sound, of course, or people everywhere would discover a cure.

You are spot on when you say we all have demons to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I am as out of control as a junkie.

Thankfully you are right about us at least having the tool of the LB to help us out of this crazy state that we're in. I am thankful for that. And I have this notion that once I break the cycle of over eating and inactivity, that not eating as much will begin to feel great.

My surgery is scheduled for Sept 11. I'm doing all I can right now to reinforce my determination to get my life back. Hearing your story sure helps. Thanks!

[Kat817 19]

I too ate in my car ---a lot! I don't think I ever went to pick up fast food for the family, that I didn't devour a large order of fries on the way home, and then go on to eat my meal with the family. I didn't buy cakes, I bought brownies....and would explain half of them being gone the next day saying I gave them to one of the kids to take home. Now I still pull into the sonic for iced tea, and have the urge to order food to go along with it, like I always did. But I can't....if I order food, I cannot drink. It is an instant PB! Now with my last fill (the 2nd), I eat only about 6 bites of anything and I am done.....more and I am miserable, and lose it. An hour or 2 later I can eat another 6 bites. So now I have to make those 6 bites count. I used to hide what I ate from my DH, now I find myself assuring him I am getting enough to eat. It is hard sometimes, because there are things I WANT to eat, but the fact remains I can't eat them in quantities like I once did. This band in here works!!! It is on guard when I am not! I have bought food, and been totally unable to eat it. On another thread I read about wasting food, someone said that food could go to waste, or to waist, and she chose waste. So I have adopted the attitude. When you get to a place with your fill where the hunger is eased with just a small amount of food, life will change for you. I would have sworn I would never be this way, I only hoped for help, I never would have imagined it to be this way for me. My only regret is not having it done years ago! Good luck to all of you, I relate with each of your stories. The band will help.......it is too awesome for me to find words for!!!

Kat

[marys 2]

I remember I was in high school and my brother drove me through the drive through for the first time - i was hooked and mesmerized. I think it's the first time I gained a ton of weight - almost 60lbs in one year. i went through every drive through in town. I even drove to a KFC on my 15 minute break every night and crammed down 3-4 little chicken sandwiches and a large fry.

I have so many eating behaviors that I am sooo ashamed of - eating in bathroom stalls, eating roommates food and having to replace it (don't do that with gadiva chocolates they are very expensive - smile) - eating an entire pizza and having to order another - sneaking downstairs at night to eat - eating bags of halloween candy with no intention of giving it out - yikes that's all i can admit to for now!

[Kelliebelly 13]

I was a big time sneak eater too. Trips to fast food drive thrus, ordering extra drinks to make it look like it wasnt all for me. Waiting till the family went to bed and having a binge session. I was so out of control I honestly cant believe it when I look back now. I never hid wrappers etc because the car is always kind of a pig sty with the kids so it just blended in.

In public I made out I didnt eat much I was too guilty/ashamed/embaressed to. At all you can eats I would send the kids up to get mine.

I am so happy to find out that I am not the only one who was like this because at the time I remember thinking I was crazy and what sane person would do this?

Hugs All

[Teresita 0]

This is so much of what LBT is about. Finding out that you are not alone is priceless. The shame can now be released. How did I get to 459 pounds......over time. 3500 calories equal a pound

Some days I would eat McDonalds for Breakfast, lunch and dinner

Sausage egg cheese biscuit, hash brown, orange juice 1100

QP w/cheese, large fries, Large orange soda, apple pie 1690

Double cheeseburger, large friees, lg orange soda, apple pie 1390

Of course I would eat other food during the day, maybe more fast food.

4,180 in one day.....Lord....thank God for Lapband Surgery

[mom of many 0]

Guilty! I think my sneak eating got so bad I could just walk in the kitchen and get anything I wanted through osmosis! I know I know, fought this demon all my life and now the day of change is very near, I wanted to share with all of you what my sister sent me when she found out I had decided to do the surgery.

Most Great people have something in common:

They all have at least one person in their corner who believes in them.

I"m sure I'm only one of many who admire and think the universe of you.

I hope you can draw endless energy from knowing that wherever you are, whatever you're going through, there will always be someone to count on.

There will always be someone somewhere wishing the best for you, rooting for you in spirit.

There will always be someone who thinks of you, cares for you, loves you.

That someone is me.

She signed it as follows: Because you are now and always will be my

"Little" Sister.

One of your dreams in in your grasp. GO GET IT! I'm behind you all the way,

And all my years of being over weight I thought it was an alone and personal battle. Who knew there were so many people that cared?

Thanks to all of you for your honesty, and to my Big lil sis that beleives in me, and always has. We are not alone.

[Iulizbug 0]

Mom of Many that was beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing. It really does help to know that we don't have to go thru this journey alone

~Liz~

03/10/06

241/172/160

5'7''