Reluctant spouse...need advise

[want2lose 1]

I started researching this on 7/1, which is when I found this board :clap2: . I told DH that night that I was considering having this done, explained how the procedure worked, highlighted adjustable & removeable, and his response was "talk to me once you're closer".

I attended a seminar 7/18, invited DH to come but he had a schedule conflict. We talked that night briefly about what I had learned.

I had my consultation on 7/31, and when I got home DH asked why I am rushing into this. He thinks that I should spend 3 months trying a heavy duty - boot camp style exercise program before resorting to this :faint: . Over the past 10 years I have tried just about everything, including many years of phentermine, xenical, etc. I hired a personal trainer to prepare for a triathlon, which I completed, and I have spent years in WW meetings. I'm still the same 225 lbs that I was 10 years ago!

How have others here turned around reluctant spouses? I honestly don't believe a new exercise program is going to get me to lose 80 lbs. I know exercise is a key part of losing weight with the band, and keeping it off. But not changing my eating habits will not allow me to be successful.

I know I'm venting here...but I don't know what else to do to get him on board. My insurance approved me and i have a date of 9/18.

[doinit4me 0]

For me, it was pure consistency in my desire, lots of education passed on to DH, and fair amount of pouting, crying, ect… I think what helped me the most was convincing my DH of the health benefits of losing the weight. I wish you the best of luck.

[Josette 2]

want2lose. My husband was very nervous and unsure about it also but I kept right on going to get everything I needed done. I made him go to a second seminar with me and afterwards I said "do you feel better now?" he said not really... I asked why and he said "you think you can give up pepsi?" of all the information in there he was worried about me giving up pepsi!!! So from that day forward I didn't drink pepsi again and that was 2 months ago. I've had my surgery and he's VERY proud of me and he's also changed his life and is eating better and it's been great for the both of us.

Good Luck and no matter what, you need to do what's right for you.

[kristyinusa 0]

want2lose, that is amazing! Reading your post was like reading something that had come directly out of my head. My husband, too, is not completely opposed to the surgery but thinks I am cheating and could do it myself with a little hard work. I told him if he committed to the gym and new eating habits with me, I was fairly confident I could do it. He refused, so I planned the surgery. I am scheduled for 9/7. I am currently making arrangements for the day of surgery and preparing to pretty much go it alone. Last night he informed me that he would be there the day of my surgery to take care of me and make sure I was ok. I guess the bottom line (in my experience) is show him that you CAN do it alone if you have to. Let him warm to it on his own and don't ask for anything. I have also made some big changes since getting my surgery date (quit smoking, started a serious excercise routine and stuck to it) which may have helped him realise how committed to this I really am. Good luck! I am here for you if you need a sympathetic ear. I know exactly what you are going through. I still wouldn't say my husband is 100% behind me. But we're working on it.

[kristyinusa 0]

Josette, you made me laugh! Mu husband said the same thing to me about Chipotle. I swear, I could have lived on their burritos. Not anymore, though. I have a bigger goal. To get slim and healthy. Congratulations on being so lucky. Your hubby sounds like a great guy. I hope mine comes around like yours did and maybe I can help him get healthy along the way.

[lisah25 3]

How have others here turned around reluctant spouses? I honestly don't believe a new exercise program is going to get me to lose 80 lbs. I know exercise is a key part of losing weight with the band, and keeping it off. But not changing my eating habits will not allow me to be successful.

I'm lucky, DH supports me totally. But part of that is because he was banded 2 years ago.

And I was the reluctant spouse. HATED the idea of him doing this. I was really worried about the risks of surgery, was worried that he might not be able to make the changes post-band that he'd need to - that he really believed deep down that this was the magic bullet no matter what he said. We are both self-pay, so the money was a bit of an issue if I'm totally honest about it. But the Dr said without him doing something, he wouldn't be around in 10 years. And I've seen him make honest, serious attempts before, so I went along. And as I did more research before his surgery, and learned more about it, I felt better.

My best advice it to talk to him. Find out what his objections are. Remind him that you have tried and tried, and point out the stats on people losing and maintaining weight loss long term on their own.

And if all else fails, find the thread about how sex gets better after banding and weight loss and have him read that! :heh:

[marys 2]

Wow I too know exactly how you feel and we're similar in that I even am a personal trainer, have done many triathlons AND could never sustain a normal weight - phew. Now on to the hubby issue - yes, most have experienced that -mine was at first completely against the surgery BUT he is very analytical and once I got him to research it and the doc (ortiz) he was actually super on board and felt it was safe, etc. What he did question was how are you going to live with that band? So I know about the pepsi thing and quite honestly you should listen to that and at least acknowledge you will have to think about that and how hard it might be for you. Granted soda was the easiest thing for me but my hubby was right about thinking about life after the band. You've beeen on this site and know it's not a piece of cake or a miraculous cure - all those habits that keep you at your current side dont dissapear. Sure you can't binge like before but I have to work pretty hard at the measley 15lbs i've gotten off since January - those head issues don't go away so maybe hubby is just wanting to know you've thought about the lifestyle and lifechanges that wll happen after surgery. I dismissed my hubby and was ONLY concerned with the surgery - we ve had many discussions after and while he is still my biggest champion he reminds me often (when I'm complaining) that this is for LIFE, take it slow, stick to the bandster rules, etc. Good Luck!!! mary

[libra 13]

My hubby is also very supportive. I've gained 100 pounds since we met and I think he's looking forward to seeing his "sweet young thing" again...well, not so young anymore! LOL!!!

Maybe your hubby is just feeling a little insecure. Maybe he's nervous that a "life change" for you would include a change in your feelings for him. Maybe you need to reassure him that this "body" change will not affect your relationship negatively.

[Bettina 0]

My husband does not want me to be banded either....he wouldn't even talk about it for the longest time. Finally he admitted he didn't want me to choke and die...silly man. Then I lost 6 lbs and he said "good, you don't have to be banded now" which shocked me because I didn't realize he still remembered..lol I had mine watch the webinar on the laptop of the doctor who is doing the surgery. I am not inviting him to the dr visits, however, he is getting laid off (again) on Wednesday, so if I get the appt while he is home, i will ask him to go with me. I am banding for the following reasons: 1. Health, 2. Me, 3. the kids, and 4. Him. Health is a biggie for me, and if I feel better, well then its for me. Its for the kids so that I am around for them...and for him so that he has the one he married back! He knows this, and knows that I do nothing in haste and I research everything (maybe too much even) he knows I am level headed but apparently he can't help but worry (which is reasonable!)

Want2lose: here is a link of the webinar of my surgeon, i know all docs are different but this should give him the general idea of what you will be going thru (I know all about the scheduling conflict-my hubby watched it on the laptop too!) it does include RNY in the webinar, but you can forward thru it!

AtlantiCare

[sleepyjean 0]

I'm curious - for those whose husbands are against this, are the husbands overweight too?

Now that I know what it's like to be obese, I would never argue with anyone else's decision to do what they feel is necessary. All of us have tried EVERYTHING before coming to this point. We all know the desperation and hopelessness that comes with obesity. I couldn't look another obese person in the eye and tell them what they should or should not do to control their weight.

[Bettina 0]

I'm curious - for those whose husbands are against this, are the husbands overweight too?

Now that I know what it's like to be obese, I would never argue with anyone else's decision to do what they feel is necessary. All of us have tried EVERYTHING before coming to this point. We all know the desperation and hopelessness that comes with obesity. I couldn't look another obese person in the eye and tell them what they should or should not do to control their weight.

Mine has a little tiny belly but he loses it at whim, just cuts out sugar and drinks V-8...beast lost 22 lbs (which was more than he had to lose!!)

Mine is afraid I will die, he prob doesn't want to raise the kids alone.....lol

We have been married for a long time,I think he just doesn't want to let me go. He is all about the weight loss---he helped me lose 25 lbs by cooking strickly from the WW cookbook (back when I only had 25 to lose...boo-hoo)!

[niche 0]

i don't have a spouse, but i have a mother and the only thing i could say was. 'remember when i lost 60 lbs? then gained it right back? three times? right, well this is going to help me lose 80 lbs and keep it off for life. i will still have to exercise and watch what i eat, but i actually have a shot at keeping it off now.'

[Josette 2]

sleepyjean.. my husband is big. Probably 5'9" and 350.

[Woodys 0]

My husband was supportive right from the very beginning. The way he and I figure it is......only I know best what I have been through that didn't work and what I had to experience while doing it. Only I know best what is still to try and knowing if I would be able to make it work. Only I know best how I feel being a big person. Only I can make the decision on what I want to happen to my body.

Carol

[3loves 0]

My DH actually suggested the band for both of us. I told him only if I get to go first!! He just changed jobs so we need to do some research on the insurance stuff for him. We're looking at next year for him getting the band. This way he gets a preview of what to expect.

want2lose ~ Perhaps you could introduce your DH to this site. I have shared countless things I've learned here....even the bad stuff. It's good to have the big picture. I hope he comes around and finds peace with your decision.