Dealing With Eating With The Family And Bad Manners Since Surgery

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Is anyone else having a hard time with eating with their family?

I have to say that my family has, since surgery, turned into a pack of hyenas at meal times. Where did the manners go?

Even before surgery, I was the one who ate less than everyone else, and took longer to eat it. Now, it seems like since I can't eat much, the assumption is that I don't need any of the chips and salsa, or the other shared items that come with restaurant eating. And, my food is fair game for my stepdaughter, who has taken up the habit of actually putting her hand in my plate, or eying my plate for the split second I might be done. Argh! And my husband is not much help.

A couple of weeks ago, I nearly lost it. We were traveling, and went to eat at a Mexican restaurant. I have told them, please just slow down and for the sake of simplicity, since there are three of us, consider taking 1/3 of the chips, and 1/3 of the salsa. I have pointed out that they will get more than enough food. Well, within three minutes, the bowl of chips was gone. I am not exaggerating. I got exactly one chip. When I said something about it, I cannot even explain what my stepdaughter did, it was so rude. I was stunned and I even stood up and walked out of the restaurant.

Another thing my husband does at times is "clean up" before I am done eating. This is more so when we go to a more casual food place with counter service, which is kind of rare, but still, he has made me cry doing things like standing up and cleaning up before I am done eating. Today, we were at the airport and we shared a salad that came in a plastic "clamshell". While I was still eating, he piled the trash, including his empty drink container, into the container I was eating from. I looked at him and he realized that he had hurt my feelings again. I told him that it was probably the only food I would be eating today, why did he need to do that? We weren't in a hurry. If anything, we were just hanging around with a couple of hours to spare. He obviously felt terrible, but still!

I don't even know how to address some of the rude behavior. It was not this way before my surgery, at least not as bad. I don't want to be the food and manners police, but things have really gone downhill. I don't even want to eat with them anymore. I don't know why manners went out the window just because I cannot eat as much as before.

What to do?

[jwelk 10]

We ate out for the first time last night with my parents and i totally know how u feel! We r still on soft foods so i orderd Soup and they had to order queso tortillas butter and enchiladas!!!! They never orderd queso before :-( when i could eat! I watched them shovel it in and i realised that use to be me but i ate 10 times the amount they were eating! But then when my soup came i slowly ate it and they were done when i wasnt even half way. And i took my spoon and took a little of there refried Beans and my dad said HEY!HEY U CANT EAT THAT! No eat ur soup! And they were done eating when this happened!!!! I know its gonna b hell with my family because they will point out things i shouldnt eat and make cracks that im gonna get fat again. :-(. Its like they dont understand what im going through!

[weho 103]

Wow, I feel for you! Hopefully your family will adapt quickly to your way of eating...there is a learning curve. My husband mentioned that going out to eat was not quite as enjoyable ( I was about 4 months post op). You are still in the healing stages so eating is a little rough right now. Eventually your eating habits will begin to feel more "normal" and blend into your family's (at least that is my experience). I get full fast and then I'm done...usually waiting on them. I'm hoping things will get better for you...they did for me.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Thanks for understanding. It is really rough not feeling the respect. Especially after what my stepdaughter did. I don't know how to blow off totally rude behavior. I take it personally. She actually chucked food at me.

I told my husband during our recent trip that I don't want to go out to eat anymore with the family, and then after today he had tears in his eyes after putting the trash in my food. He just doesn't think. He is the best husband ever but he just doesn't get it.

I only get to eat a little something each day, no need to be rude and minimize our mealtimes together. I was only at the airport at his request because he was flying internationally for work. I could have stayed home rather than hanging out at the airport with him.

[LindaS 316]

The first time after my surgery that I went out to eat with my in-laws , my mother-in-law grabbed food off my plate. I was stunned. A couple of weeks later, we were out with them again, and she did it again. That time, her action stunned my fil and husband and me. My fil even said something about maybe I wasn't done eating. She corrected him saying I was (even though I was right there and could speak for myself). The very next day, we were eating somewhere, and I made a loud comment about her not taking my food. It came off as a joke, and everyone laughed, and she hasn't tried to take food from me since.

Since surgery, I tend to stop eating in the middle of my meal. I do it to give me a chance to feel out my belly. I would rather take this break than eat a single bit too many. I didn't even realize I was doing it until my husband asked me about it.

He thought something was wrong. He has also thought that I did it because I was done eating. I've talked to him about it, and I've explained what I'm doing. I didn't even realize I was doing it until he noticed. It could be that you are doing something similar, and your husband is misreading it as you being done eating.

As for the stepdaughter grabbing more than her fair share, I don't think that has anything to do with your surgery. It is something I've struggled with my own kids about way before I even thought of having surgery. We have 6 in our family, and I cannot let my oldest daughter get her food first because if she does, there will not be enough for everyone. The kicker is that she then throws away food that she doesn't eat. And just tonight, I bought a gallon of orange juice because we were out. My son poured himself this giant 24 ounce glass of juice. An hour later, he was pouring himself another one just as large. I guess no one else wanted juice.

All of this was to tell you that I know where you are coming from, and I have no advice but lots of sympathy! Hugs!

[Kiki Von Moonshine 53]

Honestly I would have flipped. The story with the trash in your food is kind of crazy! In his mind he probably is thinking you are full or soon to be so he just put his stuff in there. He really was thinking at the moment. If he does it again then I don't know what to tell you. I'd just say, stand your ground, and ask for consideration. In general regardless if I'm done or the person is done first at the table, we start getting ready to leave together.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

We ate out for the first time last night with my parents and i totally know how u feel! We r still on soft foods so i orderd Soup and they had to order queso tortillas butter and enchiladas!!!! They never orderd queso before :-( when i could eat! I watched them shovel it in and i realised that use to be me but i ate 10 times the amount they were eating! But then when my soup came i slowly ate it and they were done when i wasnt even half way. And i took my spoon and took a little of there refried Beans and my dad said HEY!HEY U CANT EAT THAT! No eat ur soup! And they were done eating when this happened!!!! I know its gonna b hell with my family because they will point out things i shouldnt eat and make cracks that im gonna get fat again. :-(. Its like they dont understand what im going through!

I would lose it if I had to eat with the food police! So far that hasn't happened, thank God. It is not a group effort, IMO!

The first time after my surgery that I went out to eat with my in-laws , my mother-in-law grabbed food off my plate. I was stunned. A couple of weeks later, we were out with them again, and she did it again. That time, her action stunned my fil and husband and me. My fil even said something about maybe I wasn't done eating. She corrected him saying I was (even though I was right there and could speak for myself). The very next day, we were eating somewhere, and I made a loud comment about her not taking my food. It came off as a joke, and everyone laughed, and she hasn't tried to take food from me since.

Since surgery, I tend to stop eating in the middle of my meal. I do it to give me a chance to feel out my belly. I would rather take this break than eat a single bit too many. I didn't even realize I was doing it until my husband asked me about it.

He thought something was wrong. He has also thought that I did it because I was done eating. I've talked to him about it, and I've explained what I'm doing. I didn't even realize I was doing it until he noticed. It could be that you are doing something similar, and your husband is misreading it as you being done eating.

As for the stepdaughter grabbing more than her fair share, I don't think that has anything to do with your surgery. It is something I've struggled with my own kids about way before I even thought of having surgery. We have 6 in our family, and I cannot let my oldest daughter get her food first because if she does, there will not be enough for everyone. The kicker is that she then throws away food that she doesn't eat. And just tonight, I bought a gallon of orange juice because we were out. My son poured himself this giant 24 ounce glass of juice. An hour later, he was pouring himself another one just as large. I guess no one else wanted juice.

All of this was to tell you that I know where you are coming from, and I have no advice but lots of sympathy! Hugs!

Isn't it a surprise to have someone just grab stuff off your plate? I would never assume, even before surgery, that someone else's food was mine just because they eat were eating less. The only time I assume that food is mine is if we have decided to share something.

I get that kids go through spurts and need more food from time to time, and also that they don't always think of others. I don't want to be the food police but my stepdaughter has very bad habits. I generally don't say anything unless it gets ridiculous. She doesn't think she gets enough to eat unless we go to an all you can eat place, which we seldom do. If we go to a regular restaurant, she wants the largest, greasiest entree on the menu or two Entrees (which she does not get). She doesn't exercise at all and sleeps a lot. I have noticed her eat enough food in one sitting to fill a gallon zip lock bag!

Honestly I would have flipped. The story with the trash in your food is kind of crazy! In his mind he probably is thinking you are full or soon to be so he just put his stuff in there. He really was thinking at the moment. If he does it again then I don't know what to tell you. I'd just say, stand your ground, and ask for consideration. In general regardless if I'm done or the person is done first at the table, we start getting ready to leave together.

You are right, he isn't thinking. I know he cares and feels bad when he does it, but I wish he would wake up and knock it off! He was the same before surgery. One example was we went for burgers and I got the smallest one and he got the biggest one. He was done long before me and cleaned up the table and STOOD there while I was finishing my dinner. OMG, I cannot believe it. I do not even take that long to eat, but I don't think he even tastes his food.

I guess I will just keep pointing it out to him. It is maddening.

[Kiki Von Moonshine 53]

Oooo.. He was doing it before? Is he plus size too? Sometimes when you eat to fast you can't enjoy the food. Is he waiting until he is starving to eat? Either way he still needs to respect you when you guys eat. That's just rude.

[Catracks 865]

I wouldn't go another minute in that house tolerating the lack of respect from your step-daughter. There is NO WAY I'd let that child have my food even if I was done or touch my plate. As for chucking food -- I wouldn't have walked out. I would have taken that child right out of her seat and put her in the car and taken her home.

Easy for me to say I know, but this comes from some experience.

When I was young, I had two teenage step children walk over me. They were pigs, I used to have to hide food and drink. For instance: if I bought a package of crackers or Cookies (I'm talking family sized), I would come back a couple hours later and it would be gone. They would more often than not leave me an empty package. They would take the largest piece of meat, pile their plate high and not give a damn about anybody else. Their father wouldn't do squat or demand that they respect me.

Fast forward to today. My daughter has been taught that the man who is doing actually physical labor or any other adult gets the first choice off the platter. This doesn't always work out because my husband was raised to put everyone else before himself so he will take the piece he thinks no one will want. My daughter has also been taught that under NO circumstances do you take the last piece of ANYTHING be it a slice of pizza or a french fry.

[kimmy*custis 276]

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a family meeting. There is no excuse for the step daughter to throw food at you and I cant believe the husband didnt handle that situation. I have two stepdaughters and they have never disrespected me, my husband would have blown his top. There is no reason you cant have a normal dinner out just because you cant eat as much and as fast. We go out all the time and I have no problems at all. It does help that my 10 year old step daughter eats super slow so we kinda stick together...lol! Best of luck, get that meeting scheduled and set some rules in place.

[flourgirl 3]

It sounds like there are issues here that go beyond just food. The lack of respect by your step-daughter is a serious issue that you need to address with your husband and probably a professional counselor. It also sounds like she would benefit from some professional counseling. Her attitude towards food is not healthy. Is she heavy? If so, some of this behavior may be a result of resentment that you are actively changing your habits to be more healthy and lose weight. Whatever the case do no put up with such behavior from your spouse or step-daughter. If your husband truly cares about you he will address his behavior and his daughter's. I really do think you should consider having everyone see a professional. If they won't agree to it -- go yourself and get some professional advice on how to handle the problem.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Oooo.. He was doing it before? Is he plus size too? Sometimes when you eat to fast you can't enjoy the food. Is he waiting until he is starving to eat? Either way he still needs to respect you when you guys eat. That's just rude.

He was doing similar stuff before, but not as bad. Of course, before surgery we wouldn't have been sharing a small salad. I don't think he was really hungry, we were just hanging around the airport and I hadn't eaten anything at all. It was a way to spend time together and I needed some food anyway. He is "normal" in size, as in his BMI is a little in the overweight category but he is not fat. He eats without any thought at all. He doesn't pay attention to what is going on around him when he is eating. I think he will be better but will need to be reminded. I know he was upset when he realized what he had done at the airport with his trash.

I wouldn't go another minute in that house tolerating the lack of respect from your step-daughter. There is NO WAY I'd let that child have my food even if I was done or touch my plate. As for chucking food -- I wouldn't have walked out. I would have taken that child right out of her seat and put her in the car and taken her home.

Easy for me to say I know, but this comes from some experience.

When I was young, I had two teenage step children walk over me. They were pigs, I used to have to hide food and drink. For instance: if I bought a package of crackers or Cookies (I'm talking family sized), I would come back a couple hours later and it would be gone. They would more often than not leave me an empty package. They would take the largest piece of meat, pile their plate high and not give a damn about anybody else. Their father wouldn't do squat or demand that they respect me.

Fast forward to today. My daughter has been taught that the man who is doing actually physical labor or any other adult gets the first choice off the platter. This doesn't always work out because my husband was raised to put everyone else before himself so he will take the piece he thinks no one will want. My daughter has also been taught that under NO circumstances do you take the last piece of ANYTHING be it a slice of pizza or a french fry.

I totally agree with what you have posted here. We were raised like you described, thinking of elders/others first, and that was not by stepparents, just my own parents. My husband really doesn't notice or care if she takes everything. He lets her walk all over him in many ways. It is even worse at the other house. They do not even eat at the table or together in the other house and when they go out it is for "all you can eat" crap.

I cannot be the only one to give a darn, and lessons that I have tried to teach are easily undone when no one else cares how she acts. If my husband truly cared, he would do something about it. He doesn't even remember from one day to the next what she has been told. It is painfully obvious that when he does get upset about things that it is really just a reaction to me being upset and his upset doesn't come from his heart. This is something I have had to learn to deal with. I cannot make him care.

I had already put a stop to eating out because of the lack of manners and her resistance to gentle correction. We were only eating out because we were traveling. We did cut the trip short because of her bad behavior and my husband not doing anything about it. The chip bowl was the last straw. I will not put myself in that situation again.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a family meeting. There is no excuse for the step daughter to throw food at you and I cant believe the husband didnt handle that situation. I have two stepdaughters and they have never disrespected me, my husband would have blown his top. There is no reason you cant have a normal dinner out just because you cant eat as much and as fast. We go out all the time and I have no problems at all. It does help that my 10 year old step daughter eats super slow so we kinda stick together...lol! Best of luck, get that meeting scheduled and set some rules in place.

We have had family meetings and things have been laid out plainly. However, my stepdaughter tends to do what she wants, especially when out in public. She has been taught that there is only a slight chance of anyone disciplining her. Also, when she is corrected, even nicely, she argues and gives hard looks and simply will not take correction. It is not a good scene!

Also, to clarify, she didn't so much "throw" food at me, rather she chucked the bowl with one chip piece in it across the table towards me. It was an out of control maneuver on her part. She told her dad later that she knew she was wrong to do that, and he apologized to me for not addressing it immediately. I am not saying that it makes it okay, just that she didn't actually throw the food. It was still incredibly disrespectful.

It sounds like there are issues here that go beyond just food. The lack of respect by your step-daughter is a serious issue that you need to address with your husband and probably a professional counselor. It also sounds like she would benefit from some professional counseling. Her attitude towards food is not healthy. Is she heavy? If so, some of this behavior may be a result of resentment that you are actively changing your habits to be more healthy and lose weight. Whatever the case do no put up with such behavior from your spouse or step-daughter. If your husband truly cares about you he will address his behavior and his daughter's. I really do think you should consider having everyone see a professional. If they won't agree to it -- go yourself and get some professional advice on how to handle the problem.

We have been to counselors several times. This is an ongoing issue, primarily revolving around the lack of discipline for my stepdaughter. My husband is, believe it or not, one of the best men in the world and very kind to me, but he is not a good disciplinarian or a consistent parent. We have to just face this truth.

I have been considering going back to the counselor that I saw as part of my approval process. I am sure I have some control issues, but I also know that my family situation is far from normal or healthy. And, things are absolutely different/worse since my surgery. Almost like every table manner has gone out the window supposedly because I am not eating much, and it is as though because I don't eat much now that my eating experience doesn't matter, when in fact it matters more than before because when I eat something I am going to enjoy the experience! But until the past few weeks, my family has never put their hands or their trash in my food! Never!

My stepdaughter is not heavy but she is not thin either. The kids wear those "skinny" jeans (OMG, I have some too now) which have elastic in them and I see that her clothes that I recently bought her are a little tight now. She is very obsessed with food, and she is very unhealthy in her habits. She is allowed to lay around and sleep excessively, and she does not participate in sports or any exercise. She complains about doing anything at all.

While I feel bad for the others on this forum who have had similar things happen to them, I do take some comfort in their ability to set folks straight about drawing boundaries around food and respect. I am also incredibly relieved that others find the behaviors unacceptable, as I think my husband doesn't really consider his daughter's behavior to be bad. Come on, she is almost 17, not a toddler!

Thank you so much, everyone, for your tremendous support. This forum is so great.

[favoredone 590]

I will be going home to visit my family next week.. so, perhaps I'll have more insight then.. but right now, I guess you should talk to each one of them individually and explain that you are aware that your life change has affected them... and perhaps they don't realize that you are still a person who EATS and who deserves to be treated w/ mutual culinary respect! LOL... I would explain what I found rude and unacceptable and ask that it not happen again.. Ask if there's anything they'd like to add, in case they want to explain their perspective...

Then if it happens again, use your fork (and not to eat with!!)..

[Kiki Von Moonshine 53]

Yay, for stabbing with a fork!! Just kidding... Or maybe ;)

[Amanda 3.0 140]

LOL Favoredone and Kiki - that thought crossed my mind about the fork. When my stepdaughter put her hand in my plate, I grabbed her hand, and I said, "Right now I am just grabbing your hand, and you probably really hate that, but this could go much worse!" lol

Too bad that didn't work!

:ph34r: