My sweetie is not happy about this

[Koko 0]

A little background.... my sweetie used to be married and his ex-wife had gastric bypass surgery, lost lots of weight and started cheating on him with just about anything that would give her attention

I thought through what I was going to tell him and finally broke the news last night that I am most likely going to have this surgery and he was really upset. He said that he feels as if he's reliving a nightmare and is convinced that I will do the same thing his ex did.

All I could do was tell him that I love him and that he has to trust that I'm with him because I care about him, not because I can't do any better. I was married for 20 years and never once looked at anyone else; I'm just not the wandering eye type. Either I am in it all the way or I don't want to be in it at all. I dated quite a several people after my husband died and he's the one I chose...

I feel so bad for him though because it's bringing up so many bad memories for him and I'm not going to change my mind. I need to do this for me and don't want to spend the next 40 years overweight with this arthritis and tiredness.

Anyone else find that their SO was threatened by them getting the surgery and/or the subsequent weight loss?

[K@t 38]

A lot of men feel threatened when their wives start looking better. I think it's natural. You guys could probably benefit from some counsling, he's been through a rough time, but your responsibility is to yourself and your health first. I would keep reassuring him, but he has to work it out for himself, people only change when they want to, we can't make them.

[Magical_Me 0]

Aww i'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Its hard as i can understand how your so feels, but i also agree that if you want it, then it is something that you have to do. Councelling is a good option but apart from that you will jut have to tell him to trust you.

I'm sorry i cant be that much help but i sincerely hope you can work through this and good luck to you.

Best wishes

[paula 4]

Gosh, he has a valid reason to be scared.

You are a completely different person then his first wife, so at this point he needs to have trust that this will not happen again.

Kinda like.... (bad example here, but its the only one that came to mind) getting in a bad car accident and losing someone you love - THEN - being too scared to get back in another car, afraid of another accident.

I like the idea someone suggested about couseling. Wouldnt hurt!

[sleepyjean 0]

Not to preach gloom and doom, but you might want to consider couples therapy to help get you through this period in your marriage. Your husband is already bringing a whole lot of baggage and resentment into the situation and his fear is only going to grow as you lose weight. If it was enough to tell him that you love him and would never cheat on him, then he wouldn't still be so upset. Therapy would help him work through his issues and help him find peace in his heart. It would also help you understand how difficult this is for him.

You losing weight and getting healthy could be a great thing that brings you two closer together. But situations like this are also one reason why there is such a high rate of divorce after one partner loses weight. This will be a life-changing experience for you. If he's not on board, you may find yourselves growing apart.

[Koko 0]

Thanks for all the good advice. If we are unable to talk openly about this more and work through the feelings, I will definitely seek out therapy. Just a clarification though, we are not married and don't live together - we've been together for 8 months so its a fairly new relationship.

He's my first serious guy since my husband died suddenly in September 2004. I always felt "not good enough" with my husband and he was really bothered by my weight fluctuations. This guy loves me for how I am and it's been so liberating to have this for the first time in my life.

Who knows what tomorrow brings? The bottom line is the communication issue - if we can't communicate, there are bigger things wrong than me losing weight and being more attractive to other men.

[Kathy473 1]

My husband's first wife had a gastric bypass done and lost the weight, cheated and left him. The thing about my husband is that he loved me before and he loves me now and always said that the weight didn't matter to him and that he supported me to have the surgery for my health and he also felt that with her and still she left him. On the other hand, she did it for the vanity of it. She says she was starting to have health problems but as far as I know...the only problems she started to have were psychotic! She is the type of person that lives in her own fantasy world and that the world revolves around her. She also lied to everyone and said she lost that much weight by dieting. A very vain person. But with that said...and having lost weight...you will be eye candy again to other men and as long as the both of you are secure in your relationship then everything will be fine. I love my husband and he loves me and we just fit the right way and it works out. Good luck to you.

[libra 13]

Just keep reminding your husband that you're a totally different person.

My hubby's ex was a skinny blonde...nothing like me.:huggie: I used to feel like my hubby would get frusterated with my weight. I'm at my heaviest now and he's still beside me. And he still tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen at any size.

[Marimaru 7]

I was in a relationship where my boyfriend at the time kept comparing me to his ex. She was truly aweful to him, but everything nice I did it was "oh you're so much better than my ex" and whenever we argued it was like "it feels just like back then with her".

I was unable to work it out with that person, but mention it to kind of say I get what you are going through. He has to realize one way or another that you are not her, and WLS does not always lead to cheating. The idea of couples counceling is a very good one. It can help get to why he's feeling that way, and what he or you can do to help him get past it.

[SanDiegoUbermom 1]

Ask him if he has the time to come w/you to your appointments and meetings.

<O:p</O:p

I’ve been married for 13 years and I’m at my heaviest, my DH is still by my side (bless is little heart) and loving every inch of me. But the love needs to come from me too and I just don’t feel it, for myself that is.

<O:p</O:p

My DH has been w/me to each appointment and has come up w/questions that I never would have thought about. He learns right beside me and encourages me too.

<O:p</O:p

Maybe you can start there.