Husband Down Plays My Wt Loss-Frustrated!

[Lisa821 29]

About a month ago, I decided to stop sharing my weight loss achievements and anything to do with my healthier lifestyle. I did this because he would always down play it or simply ignore me and act like he didn't hear me. For instance, I would come out of the bathroom really happy after weighing myself and say "down 2 pounds, yes!". He would say, "I'm sorry did you say something?". Ugh! Recently, I finally bought some smaller clothes and the first time I put them on for us to go out and I said "I'm loving these size 16's and my new heels". He said, "You shouldn't wear those heels. You'll break an ankle. I'm just worried about your safety". There are more comments like this. I usually just blow it off but it's sad cuz I want to share these things with my husband. He's my best friend....well he used to feel like my best friend. I'm glad I have this forum to share these things with all of you. I miss my friend and I just don't understand what's going on. Has anyone else come across this situation and, if so, what are your thoughts? Big hugs everyone!

[Lisa821 29]

sorry, I accidently left out the fact that I'm talking about my husband.

[ShapeShifter 64]

I'm sorry you are gong through this with your husband. My intuition tells me that he is feeling insecure about your success... perhaps fearing you will find him less appealing as you regain confidence in your being. Your success is wonderful and should be celebrated. I wonder if he would 'hear' you, if you shared with him how much it would mean to you to have his support.

Over the years of failure at weight loss, I recall the disappointment in my Mother's voice when I reported a gain instead of a loss (I've not had surgery, yet)... and when I reminded her that I was already beating myself up on the inside, and that it would be more helpful to have her support (like: that's okay, you'll do better next week)... she totally understood and changed her behavior. She allowed me to release the shame of disappointing the woman whose love I needed the most.

Wishing you all the best... and continued celebration for the wonderful things you are doing for yourself!

[Lilee84 648]

I think it's hard for our SO's because we're losing weight and gaining confidence and self esteem and becoming new people and they may not know how to handle it. Also, some of them may feel threatened by the attention we're getting etc...

A lot of times we forget that even though we're the ones who physically undergo the change, they're the ones who have to deal with the fallout. Your husband may be happy about a 2lb loss or a smaller size like you are, but remember that men express themselves differently than women.

[Lisa821 29]

I was suspecting it is just as you suggest. He's has only gained weight since my surgery. About 2 months post op he said to me that my overeating in the past was the reason he was overweight. This was very sad to me and I told him "you are responsible for what you put in your mouth, not me". We had a couple rough days after that conversation. I have talked with my therapist about this and he suggested the same thing you have. So I did tell my husband how much I enjoy his support. At the time, my husband said he does support me but he was having a food funeral of his own and he'll get over it. He's not having surgery and doesn't believe he would ever want or need it. Although he is about 80 pounds overweight and holds it all in his abdomen. Last Saturday he was very sad about his weight and said "When I look at myself in the mirror I think, how did you let yourself get so fat". I was very comforting, hugged him tightly and told him I know that feeling. So I know he's struggling with his own weight issues. However, I won't allow him to be silly and say I shouldn't wear heels cuz I'll break my ankle when I know it's really about something else. I just don't know the best way to address statements like that.

[Vance_ 217]

So sorry to hear that. It makes me feel sad to know that you don't have your husbands support. I was wondering if you work out at all? If so, maybe he would like to work out with you and it becomes a joint effort in losing weight together. This is what my wife and I did. I had my sleeve back in December, but I wanted my wife to be really involved so we could Celebrate together. I bought her a Bodybugg and we both started working out together. Of course, she wanted to do it...I'm not making her do it. But it is really fun sharing our success stories together. As others have mentioned, I'm sure your husband is feeling a bit insecure. We all handle our insecurities a bit different. Maybe suggest a few of the things I have mentioned, or try to get him to come up with some ideas so it sounds like it is coming from him and you are supporting him. Us guys are prideful sometimes and suggestions coming from our wive's aren't always taken well. Let us know how it goes!

And if you don't hear it from him, hear it from me...GREAT JOB, LISA!! I'm proud of you!!

[Lisa821 29]

Thank you so much ShapeShifter, Lilee84 and Vance!

I am so fortunate to have your support. It's true that I have always needed validation from a man regarding my weight/weightloss....childhood issue for sure...so a special thanks to Vance for giving me that. My husband is very validating in all other areas, most of the time, but this area is particularly tough for him. I will practice patience and let him take the lead. He has gone to our local "Y" twice in the last 10 days so maybe he's starting to make his own changes. You all are so great! You are always here for me! Thank you sooooooooooooooo much! Remember I'm here for you too and keep up the good work in your own lives too!!

[Rootman 1,101]

So sorry to hear of your marital problem. I would STRONGLY recommend counseling BEFORE the issue comes to a head. As others have stated it can be a whole host of issues, jealousy over your success to feelings of abandonment due to changing co-dependency. It could also be something HE is going through and you are just noticing it's effects on your weight loss excitement because that's the biggest thing going on in your life so far. I know I've come of cold and distant to the wifey before because of issues I've had elsewhere and I sort of ignored her health issues because I didn't want to burden her with mine.

Seek counseling, there are tons of them out there, perhaps even free if you belong to a church or other social organization.

We wish you all the best in your weight loss AND your marriage.

As always, IANAD and IANAL.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

I was going to ask if he had weight issues of his own, but I see you answered that.

When we are big, and in a relationship with a large person, it gives them a license of sorts to do what they want to do, eat what they want to eat.

Just a guess, but I would think that your increasing success is waking up some fears inside your husband. Maybe the fear is that other guys are going to start paying attention to you. But I would guess even more that he is realizing that his own eating behavior is going to have to change, especially given that he is making comments about letting himself get so fat.

Can you encourage him to get on board with getting healthier, like Vance said? I have my own issues with my own family at this point, so I know we cannot put them on a diet, but maybe he can address his food behavior.

Congratulations on your success!

[gramaof4 58]

About a month ago, I decided to stop sharing my weight loss achievements and anything to do with my healthier lifestyle. I did this because he would always down play it or simply ignore me and act like he didn't hear me. For instance, I would come out of the bathroom really happy after weighing myself and say "down 2 pounds, yes!". He would say, "I'm sorry did you say something?". Ugh! Recently, I finally bought some smaller clothes and the first time I put them on for us to go out and I said "I'm loving these size 16's and my new heels". He said, "You shouldn't wear those heels. You'll break an ankle. I'm just worried about your safety". There are more comments like this. I usually just blow it off but it's sad cuz I want to share these things with my husband. He's my best friend....well he used to feel like my best friend. I'm glad I have this forum to share these things with all of you. I miss my friend and I just don't understand what's going on. Has anyone else come across this situation and, if so, what are your thoughts? Big hugs everyone!

Oh Lisa...I feel what you're saying everyday...My husband has said NOTHING about my weight loss, my kids are amazed that my feet have shrunk in size and that I had to dig into my closet to find amy smaller size fat pants because the ones I was wearing are slipping down around my knees (so to speak) I'll sew them up and they'll fit tight again...soon in my spare time.

My husband on the other hand is 163 lbs and in shape...he is 11 yrs older than I am has a very large mother who has tried to lose weight his entire life. He told my 12 yr old son...I would not be able to do this weight Loss thing and I will always be fat.... And this may be true, but I will not be obese...

My husband asked me the other day "wife did ya buy me any candy bars?" I told him no if he wanted those he would need to purchase them himself....well ....he did...40 of them. He brought them home put them on my lap and said you can have the dark chocolate ones...they are good for ya. HELLO....does he not get it or is he just out to sabotage me....I have yet to even taste one of those nasty little critters, but they are still sitting on the table... only probably 10 left now...

I am cooking for me...and my family can eat what I prepare or they can go hungry or go out to eat without me. I decided Top Gun said it well in one of my posts..."the largest piece of fat I needed to lose was my husband"...well I do love him more than one could know...but I hate his behavior towards my new WLS. We went to Mexican the other night I had 3 shrimp and about 3 pieces of chicken that were dime size...My husband proceeded to tell me what a pig I had made of myself. Not sure I'll be going to eat with him much anymore. I calculated my calories and Protein for the day and well 260 cal/37 g protein....now if that is eating like a pig well...I guess I was the pig.

[Lisa821 29]

Rootman: you are so wise and I love getting the man's point of view! We do have other marriage things we have acknowledged need work so we have agreed to couples therapy. However, we live in a small town that only has one therapist who can do this. My husband saw this therapist one time, on a individual basis, last January and was given instructions to read a certain book, see him another five times and then he will see us as a couple. Sadly my husband has not followed through with any of those instructions. I have invited my husband to my therapist appts, he agrees but then cancels at the last minute. So this topic is hard to address in this manner when one person keeps avoiding it. I keep faith that he will find the strength to face this and we will get the counseling we need.

Amanda: Thank you for you support as well. I feel like you get where I'm coming from and are here for me. Big hugs!!

[gramaof4 58]

Also you need to find a good friend that is willing to be your sounding board and be excited for you and your loss.....I am so excited I have lost 30 lbs post opt and I lost 14 lbs pre-opt....My friends are excited and encourage me daily several times even...

[gramaof4 58]

Rootman: you are so wise and I love getting the man's point of view! We do have other marriage things we have acknowledged need work so we have agreed to couples therapy. However, we live in a small town that only has one therapist who can do this. My husband saw this therapist one time, on a individual basis, last January and was given instructions to read a certain book, see him another five times and then he will see us as a couple. Sadly my husband has not followed through with any of those instructions. I have invited my husband to my therapist appts, he agrees but then cancels at the last minute. So this topic is hard to address in this manner when one person keeps avoiding it. I keep faith that he will find the strength to face this and we will get the counseling we need.

Amanda: Thank you for you support as well. I feel like you get where I'm coming from and are here for me. Big hugs!!

Have you watched the movie "FireProof"? Good movie to watch together even aas a family....as well as the movie "Courageous" Oh man can put a relationship back in check....

[Lisa821 29]

gramaof4: I'm sorry for your strife as well. It's obvious your husband just doesn't know what do about you shrinking. We need to remind ourselves that those things are their issues and not to make them our issues. Lord knows I have enough issues as it is. LOL! It's so weird that you mention "Fireproof" cuz I was just talking to my friend about that yesterday. Along with the "40 days of Love" workbook. Thanks hun for your love and support!

[gramaof4 58]

gramaof4: I'm sorry for your strife as well. It's obvious your husband just doesn't know what do about you shrinking. We need to remind ourselves that those things are their issues and not to make them our issues. Lord knows I have enough issues as it is. LOL! It's so weird that you mention "Fireproof" cuz I was just talking to my friend about that yesterday. Along with the "40 days of Love" workbook. Thanks hun for your love and support!

"40 Day Love Dare" is what it's called in the movie...and I have started doing it on my husband...and if you've seen the movie...it will help you not get discouraged . My sister is also sending my a book how to pray for your husband. I love him and I want our marriage to work, but there are things that definately have to change.