Fat Guys Mind In A Post Sleave Body

[pasquini 369]

Ok here I sit eating a granola bar, carb loading on purpose! I'm below goal, and really dont want to lose anymore!! Its funny in a ironic, surreal way. I alway envied small people, even skinny guys because I would have taken that over where I had always lived as the fat guy. Yet, here I am truely concerned and stressed about losing more. I feel like my loss was a fantastic success, 8 months 273lbs to 158; 311 at my heavest. I stayed hyper focused, underate my sleave, became a runner, worked hard and journaled every crumb that went into my mouth. It worked. I didnt end up with any crossover addictions. Or so i thought, lol. Oh, sure im not eating dirt, or drinking gas, or growing out my toe nails to 12in like the people on strange addictions last night, however, as I am trying to stop losing (i should say I have been mostly stable for the last 5 weeks-ish) I still cant order my cappuchino with anything orher than splenda, and I stress about anything calorie dense. It's like being addicted to the idea of needing to lose weight. When you have been trying for 25 years its a hard habit to release.

I think I understand what anorexics go through, in that im 5'8 158-164 depending on when I weigh, and still cant see myself as thin. This weekend my girlfriend looks at me and says are those your new skinny jeans? I smile an say yes, to which she say wow, are they like a 34? Now I should have been elated being that 8 months ago I was in a 54, but I was like... "What!? Ugh, dont even talk to me now. They are 30's!!!! I wear a 32 normally. 34's fall off without a belt, are you saying I look fat? " she just laughed at me and said "sheesh, I so know how men feel now!". Kissed me and told me I looked great, while I feigned distain.

But here's the thing I thought, see I still dont look small! And at the same time my friends that wear a 32-34 dont look big.

Not sure what my point is today just getting some of this outta my head.

Dont get me wrong i love my new self!!! Just so strange.....

[Liberated Sleeve 148]

You look fabulous!!

[panda 14]

This kind of sounds like BDD, I'm pretty much having the same issue, my sis once weighed exactly what I weigh now and I do not remember her looking like I do she was never this BIG! Even wearing a size 14/16 I even remember her buying those sizes and now me being in them and even wearing her old clothes I see myself as huge compared to when she was this size. I don’t know what to do to help, just wanted to say I’m right here with ya.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

It's always harder to see ourselves in comparison to other people. I hope to be in your shoes trying to load up with carbs to maintain my weight. I too am fearful of eating too much because I'm not sure I'm ready to stop loosing weight. LOL

[Sassygirl06 962]

I have this problem as well. I saw a picture of me holding a little baby. I didnt know that the picture was taken, I saw the picture while I was going through Facebook, I recognized the baby, and said..."who the heck is holding lucy?" then when I clicked on the picture to make it bigger I realized it was me. I dont think of myself as a thin person, or that I look thin, but others keep telling me how thin I am. I walk by a mirror and have to take a second look because my mind just doesnt match to the person in the mirror. I guess this is a whole new learning expierence for all of us

[pasquini 369]

I have this problem as well. I saw a picture of me holding a little baby. I didnt know that the picture was taken' date=' I saw the picture while I was going through Facebook, I recognized the baby, and said..."who the heck is holding lucy?" then when I clicked on the picture to make it bigger I realized it was me. I dont think of myself as a thin person, or that I look thin, but others keep telling me how thin I am.[/quote']

I havent not recognize me yet, lol that would be so strange I imagine!! It is funny how rhe mind works...

[former_vbg 198]

Thank you for posting this Pasquini. You basically sum up many things I am dealing with right now as well. Although I still have 10# to goal, I can't help but still see myself as bigger than I want to be. Everyday when I go to work, I go in the elevator to my floor and it has tall mirrors lined on every side. Sometimes when I'm in the elevator by myself, I will turn and look at myself sideways, front, etc and think "wow, I look pretty good, my tummy is flat, my but doesn't stick out, I look ok". But, then I find myself when I'm at stores or around other people in public and I see other women who honestly must be wearing girl size jeans and go.... hmmm, I'm still kind of big. Plus, it doesn't help that every morning when I get dressed in the morning and I see all the excess skin and I think how much better I would feel if I didn't have all that. And, knowing financially that isn't something I will likely ever be able to afford short of raiding my 401k.

When I first set out on this journey my original final goal was 135 and I actually just hit that today, but a couple months ago I changed it to 125. This was actually for 2 reasons. First, my Dr. thinks that is the appropriate weight for me so that I have a few pounds to "play" with and I agree. If I just get to the top of the goal weight I should be, those "play" pounds might be harder to work with. I do find myself wondering though if I get to 125, is that going to be good enough? Will I want to go another 10#? I have no interest in looking like Barbie... I've just been fat all my life and I'm sick of it. I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel "normal" for whatever that's worth. But, I have such a fear of being fat again that I know that even when I get to my final goal I will probably deal with the same feelings about thinking I need to stay in that mindset of "I need to keep loosing...".

Sorry for the long post, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[MimiMermaid 13]

Going through the exact same thing.. Everyone is telling me I look too thin and to stop.. Number one, even if I wanted to I probably couldnt and two, I still feel super duper fat even though my pants say size 6. I think my brain hasnt caught up with my body.. But its only been 7 months..

[emily_0192010 168]

I have a hard time as well... I still have at least another 25 # before I am at goal (i never set a distinct number, I just wanted to be in the normal range and be happy where I level off, though my ticker is set halfway in the normal range). I have a really hard time seeing myself as not obese. I am actually wearing size 6/8 jeans and medium tops but I still "see" myself as the fat person. I am still in that mind-frame and I am trying to see myself as different.

There are some days where I feel great and love how I look, but other days where I want my sweats and oversized (then tight lol) hoodies because I am disgusted. I think it could be the skin I have, since I don't look like what a person who is a size 6/8 without weight loss would be (i.e. flat tummy, toned, etc) and I know that i'll get there eventually.

I hope I don't get to the point of worrying about being underweight, but I thank you for talking about it because it helps people like me be more aware of themselves and maybe I can prevent myself from getting to that point.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I still see myself in my fat body but just at a different size! Time to hit the exercise route to get rid of the bulk. LOL

[pasquini 369]

Woot!!! Congrats on reaching GOAL!!! Even with the change this is where you origanally started for and you dis it!! *que inspirational celebratory music*

I to changed my goal weight for the exact sane reason. I reached goal and was just over bmi for normal by 6lbs so i lost another 10 and that gives me 4 lbs of float. :-) im glad i did. It helps mentally for me.

I sooo understand the skin thing. I know on one level that what is bunched up under my clothes and held in check by underarmour is skin, but ugh!!!! I am gonna have a lower body lift evemtually. I just feel like that will be closure, the final piece of the new me putting the old to rest.

[pasquini 369]

Going through the exact same thing.. Everyone is telling me I look too thin and to stop.. Number one' date=' even if I wanted to I probably couldnt and two, I still feel super duper fat even though my pants say size 6. I think my brain hasnt caught up with my body.. But its only been 7 months..[/quote']

I completely understand still feeling fat! Now i will say i do know that being able to put on a size 30 mens jeans even with all this skin is sooo not "big" and a size 6 isnt big either! But me knowing that in my head for me and you doesnt change ine bit of how i feel. Make sense?

Congrats on doing so fanulois and getting to te place of getting to deal with this side. It is a. Mich better place that where we all were!

[former_vbg 198]

Thanks, and you know reading your post, I didn't even realize that I didn't give myself "credit" this morning when I hit that # knowing that was my original goal. I was happy of course, but didn't Celebrate either. It was like, "ok, great, I need to keep going".

I guess I need to pay more attention to celebrating the new me even if its not ideal in how I would like for me to look. It sure beats being fat! All the stereotypes, the looks and stares, etc...

Woot!!! Congrats on reaching GOAL!!! Even with the change this is where you origanally started for and you dis it!! *que inspirational celebratory music*

I to changed my goal weight for the exact sane reason. I reached goal and was just over bmi for normal by 6lbs so i lost another 10 and that gives me 4 lbs of float. :-) im glad i did. It helps mentally for me.

I sooo understand the skin thing. I know on one level that what is bunched up under my clothes and held in check by underarmour is skin, but ugh!!!! I am gonna have a lower body lift evemtually. I just feel like that will be closure, the final piece of the new me putting the old to rest.

[pasquini 369]

I think it could be the skin I have' date=' since I don't look like what a person who is a size 6/8 without weight loss would be (i.e. flat tummy, toned, etc) and I know that i'll get there eventually.[/quote']

I think this is a big part of it for me, i look at other guys that are my height and weight and I DO NOT look like them! I mean with compression garments and clothed I'm close. But hourse shoe and hand granades as they say.

Actually i really am not trying to meet some others standard, just my own goals and dreams. But having always been fat i have no frame of referance other than some one who hasnt been.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Thank you for posting this Pasquini. You basically sum up many things I am dealing with right now as well. Although I still have 10# to goal, I can't help but still see myself as bigger than I want to be. Everyday when I go to work, I go in the elevator to my floor and it has tall mirrors lined on every side. Sometimes when I'm in the elevator by myself, I will turn and look at myself sideways, front, etc and think "wow, I look pretty good, my tummy is flat, my but doesn't stick out, I look ok". But, then I find myself when I'm at stores or around other people in public and I see other women who honestly must be wearing girl size jeans and go.... hmmm, I'm still kind of big. Plus, it doesn't help that every morning when I get dressed in the morning and I see all the excess skin and I think how much better I would feel if I didn't have all that. And, knowing financially that isn't something I will likely ever be able to afford short of raiding my 401k.

When I first set out on this journey my original final goal was 135 and I actually just hit that today, but a couple months ago I changed it to 125. This was actually for 2 reasons. First, my Dr. thinks that is the appropriate weight for me so that I have a few pounds to "play" with and I agree. If I just get to the top of the goal weight I should be, those "play" pounds might be harder to work with. I do find myself wondering though if I get to 125, is that going to be good enough? Will I want to go another 10#? I have no interest in looking like Barbie... I've just been fat all my life and I'm sick of it. I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel "normal" for whatever that's worth. But, I have such a fear of being fat again that I know that even when I get to my final goal I will probably deal with the same feelings about thinking I need to stay in that mindset of "I need to keep loosing...".

Sorry for the long post, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

This is awesome! You reached your 1st set goal of 135! Dancing in the rain! We will always need to watch what we eat because we can gain the weight back. I believe in eating a healthy diet for the rest of my life where I focus more on Protein first, 3 meals a day, no high carb, nutritionist food allowed, I will be able to maintain my weight. I love the way I look right now (with cloths on) and don't want to go up in sizes. This will work for me. This is forever.