I Still Feel Fat :(

[minaleigh 95]

Hey all. Not a very happy post, I'm afraid to say. Well, so far I've lost about 50 pounds since surgery in November. This is a good amount, but I still weigh 223, still in the "obese" range. I am down a size, maybe a size and a half, in shirts and 3 sizes in pants. I feel better than I have in a long time. It's just I've been a bit down lately.

One incident occurred last night. A local bar was having a comedy night, so I went with three of my friends. We sat at a table near the front and listened to the first four comedians. The last one is the one who got to me. He was talking about how it would be to have sex with a large woman, and how it would be detrimental to his health if she ever wanted to get on top. I don't know if I was just being self-conscious but it felt like he was looking at me the whole time while he was talking about that subject. I basically just averted my eyes and could see my most supportive friend looking at me with concern. It was just a very awkward situation.

Then today, another friend of mine and I went shopping. She was looking for dresses and I was sitting outside her fitting room while she tried them on. Next to me was an empty fitting room with its door open. I could see myself in its mirror and GAH. I started picking myself apart! My arms looked horrible. I lifted them up and could see how much they JIGGLE. I could see a roll going over my jeans. My thighs looked HUGE.

I don't know what came over me. I'm not sure if it's because its almost my TOM, but I've just been overly critical of myself lately. People are telling me I look better and that I'm just being self-conscious when I'm complaining about a certain part of my body. I just still look and feel FAT. I'm still OBESE. I'm still considered PLUS-SIZED. Even though I'm smaller than what I used to be, strangers still see me as LARGE.

Like I said, it's kind of a downer post. Just needed to air my thoughts.

[CCWriter 19]

Oh My Goodness ... it's a wonderful, but strange place we're in.

I'm probably close to about the same amount to goal but I don't feel "skinny" and yet I'm betting feedback that I'm looking better. Nevermind all that stuff ... I'm feeling SO MUCH BETTER.

It probably makes more of a difference because you're younger than me, but with any kind of luck, you'll get so much more comfortable with yourself in any shape in future years.

I went to a Karoeke (sp?) night recently and I wasn't ashamed of my singing or weight, but I was paranoid about my age and fitting in. Go figure. It's always SOMETHING!!! Nevermind that there were plenty of people older and younger than me. I just wanted to be singing the female lead on "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights," and my much younger male friend suddenly started acting extremely paranoid, like someone would have thought he was into older women. Like I would have wanted to jump on his out-of-shape young self. Puh-leez. Not the same thing my dear youngun.

[Less of Leslie 90]

Hey all. Not a very happy post, I'm afraid to say. Well, so far I've lost about 50 pounds since surgery in November. This is a good amount, but I still weigh 223, still in the "obese" range. I am down a size, maybe a size and a half, in shirts and 3 sizes in pants. I feel better than I have in a long time. It's just I've been a bit down lately.

One incident occurred last night. A local bar was having a comedy night, so I went with three of my friends. We sat at a table near the front and listened to the first four comedians. The last one is the one who got to me. He was talking about how it would be to have sex with a large woman, and how it would be detrimental to his health if she ever wanted to get on top. I don't know if I was just being self-conscious but it felt like he was looking at me the whole time while he was talking about that subject. I basically just averted my eyes and could see my most supportive friend looking at me with concern. It was just a very awkward situation.

Then today, another friend of mine and I went shopping. She was looking for dresses and I was sitting outside her fitting room while she tried them on. Next to me was an empty fitting room with its door open. I could see myself in its mirror and GAH. I started picking myself apart! My arms looked horrible. I lifted them up and could see how much they JIGGLE. I could see a roll going over my jeans. My thighs looked HUGE.

I don't know what came over me. I'm not sure if it's because its almost my TOM, but I've just been overly critical of myself lately. People are telling me I look better and that I'm just being self-conscious when I'm complaining about a certain part of my body. I just still look and feel FAT. I'm still OBESE. I'm still considered PLUS-SIZED. Even though I'm smaller than what I used to be, strangers still see me as LARGE.

Like I said, it's kind of a downer post. Just needed to air my thoughts.

I know your pain. I have lost 60 lbs total and still see the old me. I am going down sizes, fitting into clothes I haven't worn in YEARS, but I still see the same old fat me. But guess what....We did something about it! We will not be this way forever. Even though it feels like we woke up fat, it happened over a period of time, just like the loss will take some time.

You need to realize that you have lost 50 lbs that you will never gain back. You are making better choices in your life and you are progressing towards your goal. It really is a journey.

Keep your head up Chica and keep on truckin'. You'll get there.

[clk 3,519]

Yes, first be proud of your accomplishments. You have come a long way in a short time. You're edging in on halfway to goal and yes, every pound you've lost is one gone forever.

That said, I get it. We all do! I'm at goal, I'm quite small and there are still days (particularly when I'm emotional or moody) where I feel like a fat person. Why? Because we've gotten in the habit of being mean to ourselves, we're incredibly hard on ourselves and sometimes, we have unrealistic expectations. I lost 108 pounds and yes, I hate looking in the mirror and seeing all that skin. What? Did I honestly expect to shed all the weight and still love my abused body?

I'm at goal. I'm small. It's amazing what our damaged self-esteem can make us feel - I'm in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan and I'm considered plus size here. I can look in the mirror and know that I'm small - but still feel BIG in comparison to the local ladies! When people stare at me here, I always feel self-conscious all over again, even though I know in my head that they're staring at me because I'm obviously not Central Asian or Russian, and because I have visible tattoos! It's weird the way our brains work and it takes a long time to get over some of these things. Hang in there.

I was right where you are now in November of 2010. I was a few months out from surgery and down about 50-60 pounds. Yes, I was thrilled to be the size I was but honestly, I was stalled out for nine weeks around that time and felt like I'd never get smaller. It was right around this time that I was just starting to have people notice the loss, too, and it wasn't all the time, either. The reality here is that it really does take a lot of loss to start seeing size changes when you're plus sized. For me, I didn't lose the first pant size until about 30 pounds off - and then another after 20 more pounds. It wasn't until I was in non-plus size clothes that I could lose a pant size after dropping only 10-15 pounds. Once you start seeing a real difference both in the mirror and on your clothing tags, I'm sure you will feel a little better.

As for whether or not people are considering you that large person I wouldn't be so sure. I was horribly self conscious when I was larger and always felt that anyone laughing or smiling near me was laughing at me. I hated going out in public and I felt like the fattest girl in the room every time. I was always looking around for other girls my size so I'd know how I measured up to the other women. After I shed a lot of the weight, I realized that it was all me. Nobody else had the issues with my size that I had. It was actually kind of egotistical of me to think that everyone was looking at me, anyway!

I can say that if you hang in there and keep on working at losing the weight you'll recover some of yourself. You'll start to feel a bit more confident each time you see your successes and you'll hopefully shed some of the self-esteem issues. It might help you to talk to someone like a counselor, too.

Take care,

~Cheri

[FishingNurse 1,210]

I can relate 100%. I think it does get better! It has for me. Everyone tells me how great I look and I am starting to believe them? You will too. And you're going to keep getting smaller and healither- and then confidence comes next. Youre a work in progress! Hang in there. :-)

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Man, this might as well have been a post by me 13 months ago, or even just a week ago! I have BEEN there, I think we all have at some point. I have lost 128 lbs but there are days when I feel as fat as I ever did, there are times when I look down and all I see is my big fat gut, straining against my sausage tight pants and feel like it was all a waste, how warped is that!!

It is easy to get lost in the weeds, to get fixated on still being fat because, I am still fat! Both Lane Bryant and Avenue carry size 12 pants, which is what I'm currently in, so technically I am still wearing plus sizes, after 18 months and 128 effing pounds lost! I am still the biggest woman in my yoga classes, still get referred to as voluptuous and curvy (nicer words from the nicer people) and it is incredibly disheartening to see my batwings and shriveled-balloon inner thigh skin.

But!

I just have to remember that this drama is playing out in my head, not reality. That I have a normal healthy body that does not stand out from the crowd for its size. When I was "only" 50 pounds down - and it took me 3+ months to get there!- I was wild with impatience. 50 is a nice round high number so when we achieve it we know that "real" weight loss IS possible, that this isn't going to fail like every other diet, and it is such a high number that we suddenly realize that maybe our dreams just might come true, and it is so thrilling and delicious that we just CAN'T WAIT, and it's torture. Right around 50 lbs is when I started obsessively visiting clothing retail websites and virtually window shopping, filling my cart with size 12's. It would be another 12 months before I would actually see that size, which might have depressed me had I known that, but here I am, actually wearing a size 10 today (Gap pin stripe curvy cut trousers) and just a year and a half ago I remember the thrill of pouring myself into a pair of size 20's, which had looked miniscule to my pre-surgery eye when I was a 26.

So my rambling point is this, try to achieve patience, keep your nose to the grindstone with exercise and diet and even though it will feel at times to be like trying to run through molasses, suddenly one day you will be running without breaking a sweat, and you will be wearing clothes that are snug on purpose! Chin up, boobs out - it's showtime!! =)

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

Give yourself a break! When you look in the mirror and start thinking critical things, try to stop the thoughts from continuing. Try to think of yourself as a "work in progress". Imagine yourself as a talented sculptor, chipping away at the beautiful but uneeded marble to find the slender beauty within.

Years ago Jesse Jackson made a speach at a Democratic National Convention (I love to listen to good speakers, regardless of their poticial beliefs). He saids (my memory may not me exact) "Please do not judge me too harshly, God isn't finished with me yet". I try to remember that line when I get into a negative thought cycle. If we ask others to not judge us too harshly, we should hold ourselves to the same standard.

You will be at goal sooner than you realize. Actually, it is helpful to your overall progress mentally to lose your weight over a few months (rather than instantly). It gives your "head" time to catch up with your smaller body.

Best of luck to you in the rest of your journey.

Sharon

[Xoxojanexoxo 9]

I know exactly how you feel!! I've lost 135 pounds and feel I need to lose more. It's hard to get use to seeing yourself in this new body but you need to keep in mind you do look different. Something's I have done is I've taken old pictures and put them side by side with new pictures to see the difference or I still have a few old clothes and I'll try them on to see how much smaller I am. I will admit even though I went from a large plus size into juniors sizes and clothes that I wore in the 8th grade are to big on me I still have my moments I feel I'm fat or feel like other people are looking at me as being fat I even catch myself before I go out asking my mom "does this make me look fat " or " do I look heavy in this and is my stomach look big" and everytime she says " your not heavy anymore you look beautiful" It's sad how what we use to look at and what we have thought about ourselves for so long can still affect us now that we're aren't those people anymore.

[EnjoyingWhoIAmBecoming 16]

50lbs is a lot. U are doing good. Reading the other posts, others have given you very good advise. Stop fighting yourself. It all takes time. U are on your way down, not up. Stay strong, focused and positive. And know that we are just a website away , we are always here when you need us and need to vent. It all takes time.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

It will take a while for your body image to change. Also, you will be surprised at how much extra weight you carry. I remember thinking I'd be very happy at 160 and undoubtedly ripped to shreds at 155. Then I get to 160 and realize I'm still overweight! Even now at 142 with lots of muscle, I still could lose a few lbs - it just isn't worth the extra effort to me at this point. So beware that it's a long journey and you might not be happy with your looks for a while. Even if you lose all the excess weight, you'll be dealing with saggy skin, and that could take a year to improve.

[former_vbg 198]

Boy is this thread is timely for me. I'm at a point where people are really telling me how great I look and not to loose anymore weight. I don't tell them I still have a few # to go, it's not really any of their business.

But, my point is that when I stand in front of my mirror in the morning after getting out of the shower and see all the abuse my body has taken, its hard not to let that detract from how hard I have worked to get where I am. In some ways, my mind starts playing head games with me that if I get down to "x", then maybe it will look better. Mind you, I know better. I do things like pulling up "the girls" to see how that would improve the sagging tummy thinking if I were able to afford a boob job how much that might help knowing I can't afford to do arms, thighs, arms, boobs and tummy. I will have to rob my 401k to do this even when I decide to, but plan to weight a year so my body has a chance to adjust to the large loss in weight.

Anyways,just had to comment that you are not alone. We have our own skeletons to deal with, but I have always found this board to be a great place to come to and know I am not the only one struggling with something as I go through my journey.

[minaleigh 95]

Thanks for the kind words, guys! It's good to know that I'm not alone when it comes to these sort of feelings. I know I still have a ways to go, but I also know that one way or another, I will get there! Only a matter of time.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Oh and an addendum - I checked the tag on those Gap curvy cut pinstripe trousers and they were size 8, not 10, wooh!