Husband Had The Surgery Now Im Having Issues

[rrj1811 0]

We have been married a little over a yr and on Jan. 31 2012 he had his sleeve done. I'm trying to be supportive but it's becoming harder as the weeks pass. At first I was going to the gym with him but now he goes late at night (9:30-10ish) when I'm exhausted from the day. I have in and let him take over the grocery shopping and cooking so that he can be sure to get what he needs and I don't mess him up. So far our biggest challenge has been the dinning out. I'm not big on going out since I feel that I'm never home with work and college both full time, but he does not work and feels that he is treating me by going out. I have explained that I would rather stay home so he gets what he needs and I get to relax but this just starts arguing over how he is trying to keep our lives normal and I am " babying" him. The reality is, and I've told him this, is that is awkward to be at a table shoving food in while he is across from me with just a glass of Water. He feels that his new lifestyle shouldn't effect me and that I'm being vain. Does anyone have any advice as how to explain to him that his new life is my new life too?

[Amanda 3.0 140]

I am not sure how it works out with your husband not working, but it is very hard to eat out all the time for us, although it seems easier in the short term because it is hard for me to be motivated to cook.

In our case, I had the surgery and my husband is just a normal guy. I don't work outside the home.

I am not sure if I understand your post correctly - is he not working because he is going to school? Is he waiting to get healthy before he starts working? If he has all day to himself to go to the gym, while you are at work and school, why is he waiting until you come home before he goes to the gym?

Are you pretty average in size, or are you dealing with him losing while you don't?

I know, lots of questions!

[iegal 460]

I recommend you contact "So Cal Kurt" He had surgery a year before his wife and maybe can give you anothers man perspective on sleeve before wife..

While they handled it well, she was not without some issues arrising. I am sure he would be happy to be open to challenges. Are you waiting to be sleeved or just a supporter of your husband? Either way, good luck in communicating your needs while listening to his.

[Veda 12]

Sometimes I just want to enjoy the company of my husband or a friend and food is secondary. I would suggest that you allow him to be focused on what his food needs are and let him be responsible for meeting them. It sounds like you already have a lot on your shoulders! If you are eating a plate full of food in front of him while he is drinking Water, try to understand that this is probably not a big deal to him. I had to have this conversation with my husband because he wanted to bend over backwards to accomodate me by adjusting what he ate in front of me. I just want everyone with whom I dine to do what is normal for them and not have our time defined by the sleeve. Before surgery, I thought too much about food. After surgery, I really needed to focus on other things in life. Perhaps your hubby just wants to show you that he loves and cares about you so he takes you out. If you can minimize his surgery defining your lifestyle or it being about you, I believe you will be happier for it. I had the sleeve so my relationship with food would return to normal. In order for that to happen, I asked my husband and friends to PLEASE NOT ADJUST their behavior with food for me. So far, they have given me this gift, but it is an issue that I had to address with them. All the best to you!

[BigToeVSG 12]

I guess I have been lucky. My wife and kids eat whatever they want in front of me and don't seem to feel guilty about it. The first couple of weeks, which was around Christmas, they were all very concerned about eating christmas meals and treats in front me. It was hard not eating that stuff 5 days after surgery but that was more my adjustment than their behavior. Besides, I couldn't eat it even if I wanted to at that point.

I am responsible for what I eat and food dropped out of being somthing I enjoy to being something I need. Probably not the best attitude but thats what it is. I don't look at eating out or eating a big meal as "special" anymore. My relationship with food is more nutritional than enjoyable/social and more in line with how a relationship should be with food. I still like food and enjoy food. But its more about taste and quantity.

Communicate with him about eating out and how its not important to you. Maybe try communicating that he won't worry about how you eat and you won't worry about how he eats. My wife went through the entire process with me from research, to seminar, to doctor's appointments and obviously pre-op and post-op. Because she shops for our family and cooks, she was nervous about cooking for me and shopping for me. But with 2 1/2 months under our belt we have learned the routine of what works and what doesn't. Hang in there you guys will figure it out too. It has only been a month or so.

[rrj1811 0]

Thanks for all the responses, but to answer all the questions... No I'm not getting sleeved, but a little heavier thang avg(185), I used to go to the gym by myself before work and he never wanted to go( too early for him) so when he started going post op I told him I wanted to go with him. He got laid off in late June and was having health issues so he has been taking the time off to get better and no he is not in school. According to him he only eats bc he has too and nothing tastes good to him really, so it's hard for me to adjust when our thing was having a date night every few weeks. We would go out and the conversation (since we were dating) always starts off with what are you ordering? I know I don't need to change my habits, but it makes me uncomfortable eating out, he thinks I'm just being vain about what peopl think, but I'm sure it's going to get looks and questions. It took me almost a year of dating to get used to him telling a waiter about his peanut allergy, it made me feel like a spectical but I never told him that it made me feel weird

[Amanda 3.0 140]

If I read that right, you go out to eat as a couple, at his insistence, and then he sits there with Water while you eat?

And you tell him you do not want to do this, but he feels he is treating you?

If so, I think you should have a sit-down talk with him. You are being very accommodating but you still need to enjoy your food and life too. This is a huge adjustment for any couple.

You stated that you have given in and let him take on the shopping and cooking. Like I had posted above, I am the sleeved one in our house, and if your husband is anything like how I was for the first few months, I simply was not interested in cooking, although I wanted to. And, I have always loved to cook! I loved to cook, eat, take pictures of things I made, post them on Facebook! lol And then I got the sleeve, and lost all interest. Whoa! Well, the interest is returning as life becomes normal but even at 2-1/2 months, it is hard to cook. There are always too many leftovers, etc.

And then, of course, the conversation couldn't really be about food. What I did, and still do, is to come up with some topics throughout the day and make a mental note of them. Like a news story (could be world news, neighborhood news, human interest, etc.) , or an idea for a business, or a what-if scenario (what if we moved into the city and bought a triplex?), that sort of thing. But I try to have a couple of topics to discuss so there isn't the dreaded silence. I also have a little "game" called Table Topics (couples edition) which is just a bunch of cards with topics for discussion. You could keep a couple in your purse for if you have those silent moments.

Maybe you could come up with a compromise? Maybe you could eat at home and let him take you out for a drink at a coffee shop, so you can just sit and talk or people watch? Also, now is a good time to take advantage of ready to eat Entrees. As an avid cook, I have always avoided these products but there are some good and healthy products out there that, while more expensive than made from scratch, are tons cheaper than going out to eat. costco has some great ready to eat stuff, like microwave rice and quinoa, etc.

Surely you can find a middle ground until the true "new normal" works out. You are obviously a very caring wife to seek out help on this board! Good luck to you!

[Shoppingbeemom 31]

It would feel strange to be asked out to eat as a solo act. I'm the sleeved one in my house, but there is always a broth or Soup I can order (often I leave most of it, but it's cheap). Most waiters ask if I want anything else, but leave me alone after that. What's nice about broth...it's a liquid so I can have a drink with it.You have a lot on your personal plate right now. My best advice is to take cleansing breaths and one moment at a time. Best wishes

[Shoppingbeemom 31]

As a joke you could always tell the waiter he doesn't eat because he's a vampire. I wonder what kind of looks you would get then. lol