I Want To Know What Changes You Have Experienced In Your Relationship With Your S/o

[JayhawkJess33 25]

Hi all -

I am soon to be sleeved and wondering what kinds of experiences, positive or negative, you have had along your journey in your relationships with your spouse or significant other. I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for almost 10 of those. We have 3 great kiddos and a good marriage. I don't really have reason to believe we will begin to have problems as I lose weight but I am not naive enough to think that it won't affect our relationship and everyday life when I start to lose lots of weight quickly. He is extremely supportive of my surgery and not negative about it in any way. I know he is REALLY hoping that my sex drive will increase exponentially as it has reeeeeeaaaaallly decreased in the last few years with 3 small kids to care for, a small business that I run and my self image being horrible because of my weight. To be honest, I am hoping for the same thing as I WANT to want to.....I just usually don't feel like it.

So I guess I am just wanting to know things like - Did your sex life improve a little, a lot or not at all after surgery?......Was your s/o supportive of your journey consistently?.......Did you find that your relationship dynamic changed once you lost a significant amount of weight?

Also, how has your treatment by other people changed since you began your journey and lost a noticeable amount of weight? People tend to treat those who are obese badly. How differently do people treat you once you are thinner and who have you mostly noticed this with? Coworkers? Friends? Family members?

Tell me your stories!

[Lilee84 648]

Also, how has your treatment by other people changed since you began your journey and lost a noticeable amount of weight? People tend to treat those who are obese badly. How differently do people treat you once you are thinner and who have you mostly noticed this with? Coworkers? Friends? Family members?

So curious to see the responses to this part!

Only 3 more weeks until you get sleeved Jess!! Are you excited?

[Lissa 2,631]

Jess, My relationship with my SO was horrible before surgery, so I am no expert on this. The one thing I do notice is that, although I had good boundaries before surgery and had moved out from a potentially physically abusive relationship, my boundaries are even stronger now. I attribute that to my growing self-confidence and to therapy. As of yesterday, *I* called off any further attempts at reconcilliation because my alcoholic husband does not have the emotional ability to support ME. He has a little over 30 days in on his sobriety, but, IMO, we're not going to be able to fix this relationship.

So, the biggest change is that I am less able to accept negativity from other people. And, as I said, Im not sure it's a result from surgery or if it is a result of therapy. Either way, it's a good thing, IMO!!

[Caradina 65]

I'm really hoping my sex drive comes back. I'm so exhausted all the time, and so disgusted by my body, and sex is so uncomfortable now that I'm bigger that I really just don't want to either. He's not small either, so with his gut and my gut... yeah. So here's hoping that the sleeve gets me my groove back! I know what you mean. I want to want to, but I usually don't.

[Vance_ 217]

Well, speaking from a guys point of view, my sex life has increased dramatically. Not to be too graphic here, but there are things we couldn't do before that we are able to do now, kind of like the honeymoon all over again. My wife was very supportive of my surgery, and now we are both working out together so even that has improved our relationship. We encourage each other more now as we support each other in our weight loss goals. It is actually very exciting. I can see how it can be a little nerving though. I am 6 foot tall and actually carry my current 263 pounds fairly well. (Ugh...I hate to say this next part for fear of everyone thinking I'm "all that", because I know I'm not and never will be...lol) I have had a few ladies in the office start with the flirting that I hadn't seen before. While flattering, I am focused on my beautiful wife. She really has been with me through "thick and thin", pun intended. She deserves the very best, and not that I am the very best husband, I just try to be.

Anyways, that is how the sleeve has effected my life with my wife. I wouldn't change it for the world. I have seen a positive change in all phases of my life and I thank God for that!

[Vance_ 217]

By the way...ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!!! 8 straight years of being BIG 12 CHAMPS!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

[Pookeyism 1,143]

Jess, My relationship with my SO was horrible before surgery, so I am no expert on this. The one thing I do notice is that, although I had good boundaries before surgery and had moved out from a potentially physically abusive relationship, my boundaries are even stronger now. I attribute that to my growing self-confidence and to therapy. As of yesterday, *I* called off any further attempts at reconcilliation because my alcoholic husband does not have the emotional ability to support ME. He has a little over 30 days in on his sobriety, but, IMO, we're not going to be able to fix this relationship.

So, the biggest change is that I am less able to accept negativity from other people. And, as I said, Im not sure it's a result from surgery or if it is a result of therapy. Either way, it's a good thing, IMO!!

I did not realize you were going through that. My baby sister married my best friend at a young age and he progressed into horrible alcoholism, but I did not see him to know - and she held it in for almost 18 months. For an 18 year old kid it's a lifetime.

Hang in there - and don't take any crap!

[Queen of Crop 1,104]

If you have a good relationship to start out with, I think you will be in for a wonderful surprise!!! My marriage was good before the surgery but what I didn't realize is that my weight gain bothered my husband so much. Once we started talking about it, we decided on the surgery together and we have gotten SO much closer! It opened so many doors about our relationship, being more honest with each other and making a commitment to help each other become better people. He has never had a weight problem but he has been very understanding, patient, supportive and loving throughout the process. We had a good sex life before, but now it's amazing! Yes, your sex drive will come back! And you will find yourself laughing and talking and enjoying life so much more because you feel better about yourself.

I am 4 months post op and I have been doing a weekly (every Sunday) blog about my journey. Happy to have you follow along. I was encouraged by someone else's blog and it was a true inspiration to me.

www.queenofcrop.com

When I look at my 'before' photos now, I'm embarrassed that I waited so long......so come on in....the Water is fine!

www.queenofcrop.com

[Lissa 2,631]

Pookey, I have deliberately not said a lot because I've been seeing a therapist for this issue, along with food issues. The last few weeks have shown me that hubby doesn't have the emotional ability to deal with me.

He has withheld affection and attention as punishment for things he says I do wrong. I will not tolerate that, so I've cut the tie

Lissa

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

My husband met me when I was a 17 1/2 year old high school senior - taking college calculus because my high school didn't offer the course. We married when I was 24. We became aquaintences, then friends, and then fell in love. We were apart for almost 3 of the 6 years we knew each other - he took a foreign assignment after college graduation, then we got back together and got married.

Many years have passed - we have weathered many marital crises, buried loved ones, raised a child, gotten and lost jobs, welcomed grandchildren, sold a much loved home, started and ran a business (with business partners) together for the last 17 years. Throughout this time my weight has gone up and down from a low of 117 (at 31) to a high of 265 (September before surgery). I have lost 100 pounds and regained them (and more) three times - not counting my WLS loss - WHICH I AM NOT GOING TO REGAIN.

We certainly don't have a perfect relationship, but we have a very good and loving relationship. He and I put up with each others faults and are forgiving of them. He has been a rock through this post-surgery year. I feel much closer to him now than I did before because I am letting myself feel more than I did before. Before surgery, I was SO UNHAPPY WITH MYSELF that I shut myself off from a lot of my feelings and just ate myself numb. Now, I let myself feel - happy, sad, mad - the whole gamut of normal feelings. I realize I am still very much in love with my husband.

Sex is a lot more fun now too. Being a hundred pounds lighter makes lots of things possible that had not been possible for a long time. I am not as tired at night, since I am not hauling a hundred pounds of blubber around with me all day long. SInce I am exercising more, that also increases my sex drive. I am not so self conscious about how I look (either in sexy lingerie or in skin) - so that improves things in the bedroom, too.

I think if you have a good, healthy relationship with your SO, it can (and probably will) get better. If you have a bad unhealthy relationship with an SO, statistics say the relationship has a strong probability of not making it.

If one of the things you are going to "fix" by losing weight is one of the reasons you and your SO are together in the first place, you may be in for some serious realtionship trouble. Here are some things that can cause problems.

• If you are together because one or the other of you think "I have to be with this person because no one else will love me" the dramatic weight loss is going to problematic - because the underlying assuption will be challenged when other people start noticing how good you look.
  
• If you are together because you abused food together - you have stopped - he has not - that is going to be a problem
  
• If you are together and you had different "drugs of choice" - well you have given up your abusive relationship with food - if he is still abusing alcohol or some other subtance - this can be a real source of problems
  
• If because of lack of self-esteem, you gave up a lot of control or power to your husband in your relationship, and with your increase in self -esteem as you lose weight you try to "reclaim" that power or control in the relationship, that can cause problems
  
• If your significant other likes you better as a "big" woman rather than a normal or thin woman, you are going to have relationship problems
  
• If your significant other is not willing to change the way you live your life and not have every celebration and every moment of every day be centered around food, you may have relationship problems
  
• If because of lack of self-esteem or other personal issues, you put up with physical abuse in your relationship, as you lose weight, you may get the courage to no longer put up with the abuse. (YEA for you if this is your situation!)
  

Sometimes, leaving a relationship that is not healthy for you is the best choice you can make.

Best of luck with you and your weight loss journey, and in your relationship with your SO. I hope it a loving and supportive one.

Sharon

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[Queen of Crop 1,104]

Well said Sharon!!! You nailed the relationship question. People who are wondering should keep this handy. Sharon, I do a weekly blog every Sunday; may I post your bullet points and give you credit? I think they are really important and should be shared. If not, I understand, it's just that I think you really covered some very key points.

My blog is

www.queenofcrop.com

Thanks again for being so articulate!

[JayhawkJess33 25]

Thank you everyone for your responses!!! These are great!

Lilee, YES I am very excited! I went through a couple of weeks where I was just scared to pieces and my excitement was really overshadowed by that but I have come out of that and am ready to get the show on the road and start rockin' my sleeve!

Vance, yes! ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!!!!!!!! I loved getting a man's perspective for these questions and you sound like WONDERFUL husband. I'm so happy for you that you have a great marriage and are enjoying life so much. It's an inspiration to those us who are starting on this journey!

Lissa, I'm so sorry you have had to go through so many issues with your husband. It sounds like you are making very positive and healthy choices for YOU. You deserve someone who will be supportive and loving of the person you are and be as proud as you are of your accomplishments and hard work. You are really the picture of a strong woman becoming aware of how strong you truly can be. I know the changes and issues cannot have been easy but you have come so far - you inspire me!

Caradina - we are going to be almost sleeve sisters!!! We have very similar starting weights and goal weights as well! PM me if you want to keep in touch and be sleeve buddies! Here's to getting our groove back!

Crop Queen, I have actually been following your blog already I have enjoyed hearing about all the places you have visited over the past year and am INSANELY jealous that you have gotten to live in Hawaii and will be going back there. It is my favorite place on the planet and I would kill to live there Your progress has been wonderful and very inspiring to me and your relationship sounds so healthy. Awesome job - keep posting!

Sharon, thanks SO SO much for your response - those things are very reasonable and luckily I don't think any of them apply to us Thanks for sharing your experience and thanks for the well wishes! I am so ready to become the person I am on the inside, on the outside!

Keep em coming!!

[2bfit 62]

I will be married for 17 years in March. Our marriage was great before the surgery and even though I was heavy I still had a pretty decent "drive" so that part of our relationship has never suffered. I guess I am one of the lucky ones in that respect.

Now that I am down almost 50 lbs, there is an even greater "drive" I do not feel self conscious during the act anymore. I actually feel, well, beautiful for once. Having this surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I have so much energy and I am so much more positive now. I am sure all of that makes me even more attractive to my husband. He never treated me any differently before but I do see him appreciating me more now. He is a guy after all and they are visual creatures.

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

Well said Sharon!!! You nailed the relationship question. People who are wondering should keep this handy. Sharon, I do a weekly blog every Sunday; may I post your bullet points and give you credit? I think they are really important and should be shared. If not, I understand, it's just that I think you really covered some very key points.

My blog is

www.queenofcrop.com

Thanks again for being so articulate!

CropQueen - I would be honored to be quoted in your blog. I am one of your readers and really have enjoyed reading about your journey - in both meanings of the word.

[Queen of Crop 1,104]

Fantastic! Look for it next Sunday.......thanks for the quick response and positive feedback!

www.queenofcrop.com

CropQueen - I would be honored to be quoted in your blog. I am one of your readers and really have enjoyed reading about your journey - in both meanings of the word.