Whats up with me

[CLOE 0]

First off I do not want any pity partys, or violins playing. I would like it if someone could reconize what I'm doing, and suggest something to help me get my _hit together. AAAAhhhhhh, after finally getting below 300(huge goal for me) and fitting into smaller clothes sizes. Apparently, somewhere in my brain I need to sabotage myself. For the last 2 days I wont stop eatting. Now, it's nothing like before banding, which actually is pissing me off more, cause I have to chew, chew, chew and it takes me forever to binge. But when I can eat I do. Whats up? This is why I needed banding, because if this was a regular diet and I lost, this is when I would have fell off the wagon and gained all and more than before. Should I get a fill and make myself stop( even though that would be emotional torture), do I just ride it out and hope I don't continue. It's been sooooo hot here were I live, and there's been so many of my kids friends and familys here to swim, and with all that comes all the junk food, and of course nobody wants to cook proper meals, so eating has been weird. I don't know, I know I need a kick in the ass, but how do you stop this insane cycle and go straight forward.

[Devana 0]

Hang in there, Cloe, this is the addiction part of the picture. Now's the time for OA, hypnosis or anything else that will help us.

[CLOE 0]

Thats what it feels like, I feel like my body is having a temper tantrum. Like an anxiety or something. Is it some kind of emotional withdrawal from food that took two months to fester? What is OA?

[barbara465 2]

You need some outside help to deal with the "real" issues. Doing the sabbotage thing is so you won't have to face what lies ahead as a thinner you. Go to support groups, for lap banders, overeater's annoymous (OA), weight watchers, phscy. Anything. A fill could help control what you could eat, but you've got to find out what's eating you!

[Wheetsin 714]

I think we do this because on some level we still get something out of being fat. That doesn't mean we want to be fat, or enjoy it, just that we get something out of it. And preserving that something is a big part of why we sabotage, and know we're sabotaging, but still don't do anything about it.

When I say this here, people have gotten to the point of being truly, emotionally involved and angry, but I don't mean harm by it. If you're willing to consider what I've said as possible, then I would suggest you invest in a book such as [ame=http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684857383/sr=1-6/qid=1154541191/ref=sr_1_6/002-0097261-8233668?ie=UTF8&s=books]I Wish I were Thin, I Wish I were Fat[/ame], [ame=http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/059525571X/sr=1-3/qid=1154541478/ref=sr_1_3/002-0097261-8233668?ie=UTF8&s=books]Fat & Furious[/ame], or any other psychology (behaviorsm)-based information on obesity & overeating.

I'd be happy to PM you about it, if you'd like, but in the interest of ensuring your thread remains a calm one, I won't take the liberty to post.

[CLOE 0]

Thank you to you guys for be honest with me, for not sugar coating anything, I would like this conversation to be honest without hostility.

Thank you Wheetsin, I've been peeking in on you from time to time. Your doing so well, you were banded a month or two before me, so I've been watching your journey and being inspired.

Okay so this is how I feel.....I hear you when you say "part of me wants to be fat". When I read the posts that say, go to weight watchers or hypno or whatever, I get angry. Remember, I'm trying to be honest not hostile, but if I can't tell you how I feel then I can't get threw this, so please don't take offence.

I am forty years old.....I spent my twenties in therapy, every kind you can think of. I've spent enough money and hours there to save the world. I spent my thirties reading self-help books, I've got a library. In the past year or two I came to the conclusion that I am happy with me. I'm happy being at home, I don't have huge career goals like the world said I should. I'm happy with my husband and he treats me wonderful. I have raised 3 great children, who are turning out wonderfully, I can see this and so can others. I have two parents who are still alive who love me very much, and a childhood most would want. I live very well, and my husband and whole family are very supportive of me.

I DO have an addictive personality. I use to smoke and quit that on MY own. I use to gamble(and it was bad)and I quit that on MY own. So I eat, and eat, now I'm banded and I do not want to go see a therapist who usually has a personal life worse than mine. I know I have the strength to do this, it's just the hardest thing I have ever done.

So if there is anyone out there left that I havn't scared off I would love to continue this conversation.

Oh, also, I started therapy years ago mostly to help me cope with being 26, married and 3 babies:wacko: . And the self-help books, I thought, felt like a waste of time, they just seemed like they wanted to label me with something I wasn't.

Please again, I don't want anyone to take offence to this, I don't want to come across as defended myself, more just to give you some info about me, to people who know what its like to medicate with food.< /p>

[Wheetsin 714]

Self help books are pretty much a waste of time IMO. I think therapy can be great, but it's only going to be as good as the therapist doing it, and only as good as the effort the patient puts toward it (not specific to you, in general) and like anything else, you have your people who are good at what they do and your people who are not very good at all. Fat represents a lot of things to a lot of different people. For some it's safety - "armor" so to speak. For some it's control. For some it's companionship, or comfort, or acceptance, or whatever the need may be.

I despise weight watchers, and I don't give any more credit to hypnotherapy than I to do magicians really being "magic". (And both thrive on pressure and senses of obligation.)

I didn't expect hostility, but it has happened in the past, so I just wanted to throw out the feelers. Lots of people think it's BS, but really - it's been right too many times to be wrong.

Of course, everything I post is always just my humble opinion.

[sweetviolet 0]

cloe, i have a friend who has been in therapy as long as i have known her--40yrs. she still complains about the same things....the only conclusion i can come to is that she does not listen to herself or she would have seen the answers have to come from within...your joy and courage are in there somewhere with the thin body that will emerge if you just let it. the tests and lapband cost 43,000 and i am not going to let that money and time go to waste...every time you decide to binge----think about the decision you made and the time you have invested...banded 6/13/06 down 27lbs

[kristaw 0]

Cloe,

I'm scheduled for surgery on Sept. 1st and all I can think about is what type of emotional issues am I going to have once I can't have my food? What am I gonna do when I can't sit down in front of the TV with a plate of food (and then some) and eat until I am stuffed? I think maybe OA would be a good option - it's the one I was thinking of doing myself. BTW - I was 26 with 3 kids once and incidentally my oldest daughters name is Chloe... what a pretty name

[the best me 6]

I feel like my body is having a temper tantrum. Like an anxiety or something. Is it some kind of emotional withdrawal from food that took two months to fester?

OMGosh!!!!!!!!!!!! That's it! That's me!! Whew! It's so nice to see someone else say it with different words. I'm loving this thread...please talk out loud you guys!! I won't get hostile, promise! LOL

For me it's a panic that stems from...uhhh...let me think about this...it happens when I'm overwhelmed and feel out of control and lost to myself. Kids, dinner, hubby, chores, laundry, home, errands, BILLS!, everyone needs a piece of me and there's nothing left for me and I finally lose it and gnaw on something yummy. I take care of me by binge eating. Having to take the time to chew was aggravating at first, but now I find some comfort in chew chew chewing while I'm into the Cheetoes bag, or whatever. It doesn't happen alot, but it definitely still does, almost 16 months banded!

I getcha Cloe. I find myself replacing binge eating with LBT time, or a cup of coffee, or something, but sometimes...ugh. The festering thing happens. Thanks for this thread.

[Yoda 0]

Hey Cloe....I think I understand where you are coming from....though of course not everyone has the same issues. But I do understand the concept of sabotage.

First of all....kudos to you for being "happy" with yourself and who you are in life...it does sound like you have lots to be happy about. I truly don't have any wise words for you or anything except to say that you aren't alone in your emotions (as is obvious from these responses) and so I hope that is some comfort. On a good note....I know easier said than done...but since you feel you have an addictive personality...maybe you can turn the addiction around and after time you may become addicted (in a healthy way) to exercise and eating well etc.....it's a thought?!

Meanwhile, I do think it is good that you recognize these feelings that you have and that you dialogue about them.....it all helps.

Okay, so maybe you feel like you sabotaged yourself (for whatever reasons....which may or may not be deep seated....sometimes we read too much into this stuff) but that isn't the end....just pick yourself up, and go at it another day...another day is a new day.

Remember my personal challenge to not eat chips during the month of Aug? Guess what? Today (ummmm and it IS August) I had a small handful of chips at work. Yeah, I feel like CRAP.....but by god, I'm gonna do this thing and I will try again tomorrow to NOT have dem dere chips.

You're not alone, though sometimes it may feel like you are.

[kimmason 0]

wow whata thread.! I did a private thign cloe by the way, but mancan i relate to this, yes also three kidsbut not the marriage ontact. I ate after he and kids went tobed. I eat when i am happy sad, etc and yes are you ever right abut therapists and their own private lives, many have their own agenda and after delivering babies for 12 years I worked in psychiatry and i also counciland care so much for others and would give the shirt off my back, but for some reason do not look after me. As for thr liking being fat thing,,well NOPE, but maybe, I mean I dont feel like a small waif who can be attacked etc and I know people who like me for me, and not how I look..is that wierd of what?

I have also done the self help boks in my thirties and interviewed many of their rich authors...... so some , I dunno NO, but soem are good and surprisingly the ones with excersises liek hrville hendrix or even dare I say dr phils are pretty good and asks the person that is reading it , not to just read it passiveley but to do the work and have gain some insight. I don't know how long I can do this for, honeslty and I admitted in an earlier thread that i already know i need an exit just in case...as for OA weight watchers etc.. well Oa they don't listen, I went and they follow a doctrine to the law. WEight watchers etc...well this is an addiction and diet isn;t going to help.

anyway just my two cents worth. cloe you wil get though this hump.. ialso mess up when i ghave reached a goal wierd huh, like a celebration that doesn't end after one night...........

[Wheetsin 714]

maybe you can turn the addiction around and after time you may become addicted (in a healthy way) to exercise and eating well etc.....it's a thought?!

The danger here is that when you hop addictions, you usually hop to something you can't/won't sustain. Hopping addictions maintains the "all or nothing" mentality. A few people can do it successfully, just like a few people can diet successfully, but the vast majority of people cannot. Sure, maybe three years from now they're still there, but really long term they're no where to be found.

A second aunt thrice removed or something really distant like that was a hard core drug addict a few years ago. Big time. She claims that one day she looked in the mirror and saw a demon looking back at her. She turned her life around, completely around, almost cold turkey. She quit hanging out at the biker club and joined a church. Had all of her "rock and roll" tats covered over with religious ones. She quit talking to all of her friends and family who hadn't been "saved". (so I'm hearing her story secondhand, obviously!) She started hanging out at airports looking for people who looked "abandoned" and trying to "save" them instead of hanging around bars looking for guys she could blow for a nickel bag. She tore down her Harley Davidson posters and put up religious posters in their place. She did a virtually step-for-step transition from drugs to religion, literally "this for that" the entire way. Last I heard she was a missionary in one of the Dakotas. Think she's any less addicted? Heck no. She just swapped her addictions. And say what you want, this type of scenario has a reversion rate of something like 96%, meaning 96% of the people who swap addictions, assuming they remain physically able, etc., will swap right back. Maybe they'll hit 6 or 7 other addictions along the way, but the bird doesn't stray far from the nest, so to speak. And guess what - it's been about 6 years, and there's a lot of serious suspicion that she's shooting up again, and this doesn't surprise anyone because they know how deep her addictions are. She's a great window, everyone can see right through her.

Ok, so that's an extreme example, but the same thing happens. She had to be going 100% at whatever she was going at. It didn't matter *what* she was doing. A lot of dieters will hop addictions from food to exercise -- how many do you think keep it up long term? Not many! Some will hop to smoking, or drinking, or hop the addiction to their actual weight loss (which is the beginning of why so many eating disorders seem to arise from failed weightloss attempts).

Granted, an addiction to knitting may be less detrimental to your health than an addiction to food, physically - but in mental terms you're still an addict. And *that's* what you need to focus on fixing, rather than just finding a new focus.

[Wheetsin 714]

Oh - Yoda - I quoted you, but please don't take that post as a response directed at you. I just quoted you because your statement very clearly summarized a recurring theme here.

[tambonzjo 7]

I love this post! I have to offer a piece of advice my primary care doctor gave me when I got banded. He told me what ever I do, don't stop the anti-depressant pills he prescribed. He has another patient who stopped hers after she was banded then got really depressed over the foods she could no longer eat. I don't know how much this story will help others here or not...

My addiction is no longer food but Starbucks and cigs. I get 6 shots of expresso a day plus half a pack of cigarettes. I don't have the real "food" problem anymore but I have trouble dealing with my addictions. I need to drop the cigs and replace it with working out. Easier said than done, right?

I can honestly see why some people become bulimic...