Thoughts On Approval Day

[Harmonic15 14]

I m not sure where to start. How I got here and to this weight seems so irrelevant and yet so important all at the same time. Today, I am over 330 pounds and my 6.4 frame can no longer hide it. To be quite honest, I think it stopped hiding it long ago but I was unable to see it...After all, I was once upon a time a good looking man. Today, I got the news that my surgery was approved and that I was scheduled for surgery in the first week of March. I am elated, scared, apprehensive, excited, and petrified. It makes me wonder how one person can feel all of these emotions at the same time. But most of all, what I am most surprised by, is that I feel slightly ashamed of myself in that I have been unable to overcome my own foods demons. I think this is a reaction to learning that my surgery is approved and scheduled, but today I nearly feel unworthy of this life changing operation…

My name is Harmonic and I am 32 years old. I am married to a tremendous woman who has been nothing but supportive of my surgery. She has been my rock and has made it to most of my Dr. appointments and support group visits and will no doubt take care of me every step of the way during recovery. I love her very much. One of my main worries as I write this is a small fear of dying, and I am afraid that my food obsession could rob her of her life partner to soon, due to surgery that I could have avoided with the discipline I so lack. The hard cold truth is that I will never be able to lose the weight without surgery. I have tried and I have failed, but I still feel some guilt. The motivation for my surgery is also the fact that we want to conceive a family and I want to be healthy for my babies, off the couch and playing soccer, and most importantly alive to support them as my parents have me.

I have many fears, fears of losing my hair, fears that I will no longer be the big guy who can eat a 20 oz steak and be jolly and fun at a dinner table, fears that I won’t be able to lose weight even with the surgery. I know these are irrational, but that doesn’t mean that they are any less real. I just hope that I am ok and that I win this battle once and for all. I also just want to be healthy. I don’t want to worry that I am causing my body irreparable damage and maybe even, with a renewed focus on my health, fix some of what I have already caused.

I am writing these feelings down for a few reasons. 1) because I want to be open with my feelings as they may be of help to others at a similar time 2) be honest and open with myself 3) to hear from others who have had the same fears and maybe benefit from a little reassurance.

Now that I have written these feelings down, I have already gotten a sense of relief. I am elated again, excited for a healthy future, a happy future, and, god willing, the pitter patter of little feet. I am sure that I will be swing back and forth many times between these sentiments prior to my operation. But I know what sentiments will prevail and look forward to sharing my journey with you.

Thanks for reading.