Husband Issues

[cacilluf 27]

Since I've had my surgery ~4 weeks ago, I've been feeling almost.... resentful.

I love him, I do, and he is super supportive of me and is always there for me when I need him. He is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my long (healthy!) life with him.

The problem is that I feel like now I'm conquering my obesity and am at the brink of living the life I've always wanted to have (going camping, canoeing, going to summer festivals or theme parks), and my husband who is even more obese than I am (he is about 55 BMI) is not concerned with his health so he hasn't changed.

I've begged, we've had long conversations, I've forced him to eat better (with me), but he's not invested. He eats out at least 2 times a day, 3 if I can't make us dinner. I think alot of it is he doesn't know how to eat well. I assume alot of you are like me, I was obese but damn I knew how to diet. I understood carbs, sodium, processed foods, veggies, good and bad fats, super foods, whatever. I knew what was healthy but could never stick to a diet. My husband, on the other hand, thinks he's making a good choice if he orders fries because "it's a vegetable". I've told him I would support him if he had the sleeve but he can't comprehend that it will change his appetite and he always says that he doesn't believe he will eat less and it will end up stretching out/breaking the sleeve. Plus, I'm afraid even if he did get the sleeve he'd fill it with burgers or foods high in fat, defeating the potential of a sleeve. And don't even get me started on his dieting, he just flat out refuses to diet.

But back to what I was saying, I'm starting to worry because there are times when I see him eat or see bags from fast food places and I get so DISGUSTED. Its a horrible feeling to feel disgusted towards the one who loves and cares about you, which makes me feel guilty.

SO I guess my question is two-fold:

1- How can I convince or encourage my husband to adopt a better lifestyle so that we BOTH can be happy and healthy together?

2- Has anyone else had feelings of resent and disgust towards loved ones who are eating large amounts of unhealthy foods?

[Texasgirl73 8]

Hi there...I have not been sleeved, but I feel so bad for you on this one! I can see where you would be resentful towards your husband for not wanting to eat better for not only himself, but you and any future together. Maybe he is a little envious of you right now and he is fighting his own food demons. I'm no expert by any means, but weight loss is such an emotional journey. I think communicate, me honest, and communicate. Did I mention communicate! Best of luck to you!

[Viola 15]

Hi Christina,

Wow this is really a heavy load you are carrying. I know what food used to do for me before my sleeve and wonder if your husband is turning to food for comfort like I did and here is a question for you, was food something that both of you did together? The eating badly kind and if yes now that your relationship with food is different is he turning to food even more. They say to sleevers that we go through a morning of sorts with food right before and new into the sleeve. I know I'm just stabbing in the dark here but maybe your husband is mourning too, he lost his partner in crime so to speak. I don't know you and I don't know your husband but I'm trying to look at your situation through a different lens for consideration.

When I was first sleeved my husband after time started to eat better because he saw how good I was doing and since I was the cook he had to eat what I ate.

Maybe you could consider going to counseling, if he doesn't want to go then you go. It will give you a professional sounding board to help sort out your feelings and help gain perspective. Praying also helps Christina. I know that in this day and age there are many that make like of this but I believe in Jesus and know that He has been there for me through my darkest of times and has pulled me through. When my husband and I have our issues about different things I pray. I pray not to change him but to help me understand, to change something in me if its to be patient etc. Somehow it works, and somehow we find ourselves in the middle, both of us feeling victorious.

Does your husband have any health problems linked to his obesity? If he does his doctor could really turn up the heat on him to get healthy.

I hope for you Christina and I will include you and your husband in my prayers.

[PdxMan 4,292]

Oy,

As someone who has battled smoking, alcoholism and food addictions, I can honestly tell you NO ONE could MAKE me help myself. As a matter of fact, if my wife tried to, it would have backfired and I would have fought her on it. Just my pig-headed-ness, I suppose.

I'm not saying that you are ...

I hate a nag. If you want to make sure I'm NOT going to do something ... nag me to do it. H3ll would freeze over before I would do it.

For me, to work on my personal issues, I had to hit MY bottom. I think the best thing you can do is be an inspiration. Walk the walk, and don't nag him about it. He will see how your life changes. It will take a spark within him to make the decision. I know you want to light it, but you can't.

As far as I can tell, my wife doesn't battle any addiction issues, and she is a skinny mini, but I would love for her to be more physically fit. I suggest things she can do, but try not to nag her about it. I work out like crazy and talk to her about how great it makes me feel. When she is ready, I'm confident she will join me, but it has to be her decision. Not mine.

This isn't a husband issue, it's a Christina issue.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

hi christina

throughout these 40 years my mom has been a "concerned person" telling me to lose weight. Her comments didn't help. I knew i had to do this for me, be successful in keeping it off for me. i'm sure many of you guys on the board, wndured this too.

I don't know what my DH weighs or his BMI - but he most definitely is obese. I have tried to "mention" in the past that it would be great if he lost a few lbs. get healthier etc. He's not ready to hear that and i bite my tongue shortly because i'm following my moms' footsteps, telling someone that i love to please lose weight.

To answer your initital Q - in my case, yes i do struggle with this problem w/hubby, but you can't convince your DH (or any family member) either til he is ready. He might eventually work it out,,,,or not.

its taken me forever to say the above-sorry

best

kathy

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

PdxMan

i tryed to convey the same thoughts you did at the same time. your post went trough first. lol GMTA

kathy

[Rootman 1,101]

I'm with PdxMan, no one can help him but himslef. I was in the same boat, obese and fairly healthy UNTILL I started to edge into my 50's then everything fell apart and all of it was to or made worse by my weight.

He's gotta want it. And some of are so stubborn that we don't relly want it.

[Pookeyism 1,143]

My husband actually gained a bit of weight over the last 16 months or so to the point that he is probably as heavy as he has ever been. he carry's it well and so to many he is just another bigger-than-average guy, but I do know it bothers him. He is a true foodie and loves to cook - actually he cooks twice a month for his faternal org. and is always the one all of our friends wants to bring the sides to a cookout, etc. I do not think he could ever be happy with the sleeve. I do not think he needs it actually. He never really had any weight issues until a few years ago, so I think he could catch himself if he tries, but he has to be ready to try.

I have stepped up and made some guidelines, however. he has to pack his lunch 2-3x week (he will not let food go to waste so if he packs it, I know he will eat it). I have refused fast foods. He is restricting his fast food intake so that I do not ban it outright. I talked him into getting a gardner for our home last August and I regret it - he spent hours in the garden and I know it ate up calories. I am on a subtle mission to make him convinced no one does it as well as he does (which is largely true) so he wil get back into the yard - that way I don't have to say "go burn calories".

I am expressing concerm for walking in my neighborhood alone at night - the only weekday times I can get in a long walk other than on treadmill. I actually have no concerns but let's keep that between us! He dislikes me being scared at night, so he now walks with me, almost without fail.

And finally I focus on our outings and weekends, minimal TV, maximum active fun.

I hope to see him shed a few pounds, and that will encourage him on his own to pay more attention, etc. I had hoped to be in mushies and near solids but that has not worked out, but once I do I am going to make every evening a "show me how to make this" - so we will make a healthy meal every evening.

I am doing sublte things that I hope will pay out in a big way.

[300PoundsDown 101]

Christina,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I know it has to be hard. It is such a life changing experience for us to have this surgery that it just changes everything. I know that has to be hard both on us and the people who live with us. I think you are in a situation a lot of people find themselves in. I know that I had friends who I would eat with. We were all overweight and our favorite thing to do was eat. That was almost the thing that brought us together!! Then suddenly you change drastically and they don't. It creates a bit of an earthquake in the relationship and you have to find your grounding again.

I am divorced so I probably shouldn't be answering a post about husband issues...lol. However, I do know this. I was never able to convince my husband to do anything he didn't want to do when we were married. In fact, I'd venture to say my attempts at getting him to change only sped up the demise of our marriage. People generally don't change unless they want to. And even then it's tough. There are a lot of people who want to change and still don't! So you have to be truly internally motivated to do it or it won't last.

Any time in my life someone tried to tell me about a diet or influence me to lose weight, I did the opposite. I would probably even gain weight as a result. So I would say it's almost a losing battle to even go that direction.

I have a friend who is very obese. We became friends b/c we identified with each other. He loves to cook. He loves to watch food shows etc. He now has a ton of health issues b/c of his weight. It's essentially ruining his life. We both talked about the surgery but I went through with it. For whatever reason, he's just not willing to pull the trigger. For a long time, I was on the edge but I still wasn't desperate enough to do it. I don't know what has to occur in someoen's life for them to reach that point. I just know that it's different for everyone and there seems to be almost nothing that we can do to speed up the process. I wish I had something better to offer!

[cacilluf 27]

Oy,

As someone who has battled smoking, alcoholism and food addictions, I can honestly tell you NO ONE could MAKE me help myself. As a matter of fact, if my wife tried to, it would have backfired and I would have fought her on it. Just my pig-headed-ness, I suppose.

I'm not saying that you are ...

I hate a nag. If you want to make sure I'm NOT going to do something ... nag me to do it. H3ll would freeze over before I would do it.

For me, to work on my personal issues, I had to hit MY bottom. I think the best thing you can do is be an inspiration. Walk the walk, and don't nag him about it. He will see how your life changes. It will take a spark within him to make the decision. I know you want to light it, but you can't.

As far as I can tell, my wife doesn't battle any addiction issues, and she is a skinny mini, but I would love for her to be more physically fit. I suggest things she can do, but try not to nag her about it. I work out like crazy and talk to her about how great it makes me feel. When she is ready, I'm confident she will join me, but it has to be her decision. Not mine.

This isn't a husband issue, it's a Christina issue.

out of all the responses I think this one hit home the hardest. It's easier for me to justify "nagging" when I KNOW it is for his best interest. He has sleep apnea, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, and a family history of diabeties and thats just health, I KNOW he has self esteem and confidence issues too. BUT I understand that as much as I push it won't help him...... It is my issue about how it makes me feel but I can't say I won't stop fighting for him, I'm not giving up.

I guess it's a fine line?? I think that what alot of people are saying about communication is the only thing I can do, while also respecting his decisions.

[cacilluf 27]

My husband actually gained a bit of weight over the last 16 months or so to the point that he is probably as heavy as he has ever been. he carry's it well and so to many he is just another bigger-than-average guy, but I do know it bothers him. He is a true foodie and loves to cook - actually he cooks twice a month for his faternal org. and is always the one all of our friends wants to bring the sides to a cookout, etc. I do not think he could ever be happy with the sleeve. I do not think he needs it actually. He never really had any weight issues until a few years ago, so I think he could catch himself if he tries, but he has to be ready to try.

I have stepped up and made some guidelines, however. he has to pack his lunch 2-3x week (he will not let food go to waste so if he packs it, I know he will eat it). I have refused fast foods. He is restricting his fast food intake so that I do not ban it outright. I talked him into getting a gardner for our home last August and I regret it - he spent hours in the garden and I know it ate up calories. I am on a subtle mission to make him convinced no one does it as well as he does (which is largely true) so he wil get back into the yard - that way I don't have to say "go burn calories".

I am expressing concerm for walking in my neighborhood alone at night - the only weekday times I can get in a long walk other than on treadmill. I actually have no concerns but let's keep that between us! He dislikes me being scared at night, so he now walks with me, almost without fail.

And finally I focus on our outings and weekends, minimal TV, maximum active fun.

I hope to see him shed a few pounds, and that will encourage him on his own to pay more attention, etc. I had hoped to be in mushies and near solids but that has not worked out, but once I do I am going to make every evening a "show me how to make this" - so we will make a healthy meal every evening.

I am doing sublte things that I hope will pay out in a big way.

I LOVE your suggestion of cooking together and encouraging him to do things with me. I do feel like I've babied him- I do EVERYTHING. But I think he would do things like going on walks together, even if its just to go grocery shopping to get **surprise, surprise!** healthy, easy to make, food!

[Dooter 1,457]

Love him.

Pray for him.

Be a good example.

[thinoneday 445]

Wow thats a tough one. . .but it's probably been said here already (I haven't read the other posts) but you can't change a person. . they have to change themselves. I'm wondering if he is doing this "self destruction" because he resentful of you? I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your hubbie. Hugs to the two of you