Help Desired, Please

[Helen the Cat 42]

There are so many of you out there who are so wise and educated on the whole subject of weight loss surgery. Today I am reaching out to those of you who might have had experience with the subject that I need help on.

First a little history...... About a 18 months ago, I started to think that WLS might be for me. I actually went and saw a bariatric surgeon locally and he and I discussed a VSG. He convinced me that it was the procedure of choice for me. When I investigated my insurance, I found out that they wouldn't pay $0.01 towards the surgery, so I started thinking about cashing in one of my 401Ks to pay for it myself.

I approached my husband, who was 100% against the whole idea of surgery. But after hours and hours of research, and sharing what I learned with him, he (reluctantly) agreed to support me in my Quest to become healthier through Weight loss Surgery.

In June of last year, we traveled to Mexico and I had a VSG. I have been SO happy with my results. I am within 6 pounds of being at goal, and love the way I feel and look. Have been able to go off most of my medications, have lots more energy, and just love the thought that I have done something positive to make myself healthier.

For almost a year prior to the surgery, and for 6 months after, I was living and working in California. I am a travel nurse. My husband does not travel with me, preferring to stay home in Iowa. We see each other every month or so for about a week at a time, but really don't live together when I am traveling on an assignment. (I want to stress that I have never taken a travel assignment without discussing it with him first!)

Near the end of October last year, he told me he was tired of living alone, and wanted me to come home at the end of my current contract, and live and work in Iowa for a while. I readily agreed, even though I would prefer to live in CA. (I hate Iowa winters, and the pay in CA is SO much better!)But my marriage is of the utmost importance to me, so I agreed, and moved home the first week in December.

Since I have been home, Bill has gotten more and more irritable. He gets mad over almost nothing. He seems depressed and has outbreaks of anger and sometimes almost cries. Sometimes it seems like I can't do anything to please him, and no matter what I do, I make him mad or angry. I finally got him to admit to me today that he is feeling threatened by my weight loss, and feels he is "holding me back" (his words, not mine. What he is holding me back from, I don't know!)

I tried to re-assure him that when we married 42 years ago I said "till death do us part" and I mean it as much today as I did then. I have no desire to "trade up" husbands. I love him more than ever. But he can't seem to accept that fact.

A couple of times he has said things like "I suppose now that you are thin you want a thin husband!" When he says this, I tell him that I wish he would loose some weight for health reasons, but I love him no matter what he weighs! I don't bring the subject of his weight up, he never threw it in my face when I was overweight, and I wouldn't do that to him!

Due to health problems (his) we have been unable to be intimate for several years, and although I miss this part of our marriage terribly, I have tried to reassure him that it is him I love, not just sex with him! I am about at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do to reassure him that I love him. I have suggested that maybe we should see a counselor, but he is against that idea.

I feel like we are falling apart and I can't run fast enough to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Have any of you had problems like this since your weight loss, or am I the only one? If you have, how did you reassure your partner? Any ideas? Also, is there a forum here for discussions of problems similar to this? I really need some advise. I don't feel like I can talk to any of our children about this, and I wouldn't want to worry my Mom (she is 90 and doesn't need me to dump my problems on her.) Don't know who else to talk to, especially since Bill denies we have a problem and won't go to a counselor with me. Have comtemplated going alone, but currently finances are tight at our house, and our insurance won't cover any type of counseling. Any ideas would be appreciated so much!!! Thanks!

Kathy D (alias Helen the Cat)

[happy1957 138]

First I am not a marriage counselor, just a little wisdom from being an old woman. Wow, I have seen and heard about this at support groups and actually have a friend post bypass that is dealing with the same issues. Your husband is apparently insecure about your weight loss and I have dealt with that in the past when losing weight, although it was a different husband.:-) I think in your case your entire lifestyle has changed. It's like starting all over again. When two people live apart they become real independent individuals. You are not only more confident and looking great, but now you're treading on his territory.

You both have to become partners again. Although you felt like you were partners in mind and really shared the others input in most cases, you were individuals in eating, sleeping, playing, watching tv etc. You are in his "space". That is new. I know you probably love each other and the situation you had prior worked and you learned to be without one another, but as happy as he was to have you come home for a visit, he knew you would be leaving again.

I bet he gets angry because while you want to go shopping or do something together, he wants to sit around in his underwear watching the ball game (maybe not literally ) He had that freedom for a long time. Not having to answer to anyone for the most part. Your relationship was like an affair, all fun and not a lot of responsibility to the other. He learned to fend for himself, not really needing you for day to day living.

He had learned to fill his time without you, probably not with another woman, but with precious private time and space.

My opinion is that you need to start dating. You need to give him more space. We all know that counseling would be your best bet, but for now he is against that. Maybe living separately in the same house until he is used to you being around even if it's sleeping arrangements. I bet you feel like a stranger in your own home. You should share this with your children. They are grown individuals and you're not saying that you want to leave their dad, but you have to get over the "newness" of being a "in the house wife" again. Your children are your support. Plus you have to get used to him being around too. I'm sure you may have some sensitivities. Will he walk with you? Go to the gym? Maybe you can find a once a week activity that you both love and can share. Dancing?

Make a date night, play a game. Make him write down 25 things on individual pieces of paper that he would like you to do for him or that would please him. It can be making his favorite desert, go bowling, go for an ice cream, washing his vehicle, drawing a bath, going to

the movies etc. You do the same. Put them in individual jars and once a week on a particular day you both pick one from the others jar, not showing each other and sometime during the next week, you both fulfill what is written on the paper. I personally like leave a rose on my car seat while I'm working, and cooking dinner for me. :-)

I sincerely wish you the best.I believe if there is still love there, you can fall back into it.

[Happy Camper 266]

Happy what great suggestions. Kathy, she has great points. You have drifted apart, I too recall this as a topic during the pre surgery classes I had. My hubby went to each one and has adopted Atkins style of eating, supports my changes so we are closer aligned. I travel for work but only ever 5 weeks or so for a week at a time. It does change the dynamic of the relationship.

You need to find that desire, passion and each other to keep your marriage viable. Living apart, you grew apart and perhaps did not even realize it.

Best to you.

Sandy

[thebionicbroad 127]

Kathy,

IMHO, it sounds like depression. Would it be possible to get a complete physical, and go from there? Everyone in my family, and I mean everyone, is plagued by depression, and handles it in different ways. I'd start with a physical, and talk privately with the doc about your concerns.

God bless.

[Lissa 2,631]

Happy, I know your advice was meant for Kathy, but I'm stealing some of it. My hubby and I have been separated since June of last year. He's now going to AA and has 30+ days of sobriety, and counting. We're taking baby steps to improve our relationship, and I think your advice was as applicable to my situation as to Kathy's situation.

Kathy, I think it's great that you are seeing a problem and working to find a solution now rather than waiting until it explodes. Maybe Happy is right that you should let your kids know what is going on with hubby. Perhaps they can help you involve your husband in more family activities like having the kids/grands over for dinner or an afternoon of visiting. Once he sees that you are still the same person, maybe that will give him more confidence that you aren't going to leave him just because you lost weight.

I'm personally working on the positive reinforcement side right now with my hubby. Letting him know how much I love the guy he is when he's sober. We are dating again, trying to spend time together. Maybe a few dates IS what you guys need. David, my hubby, seems to feel more involved with what I'm doing to lose weight when we split a meal at a restaurant, or if he gets to help me do something that I just can't do completely by myself. Earlier this week I had to clean out a rental where the renters left 54 bags of garbage and a ton of personal stuff. Hubby came and helped with this huge project. It seems to have had a very positive effect on his attitude towards me...and I know it had a positive effect on my attitude towards him. I think anything that makes a couple work as a team helps build the relationship.

Maybe you could point out to your hubby all the ways that you see him as supportive to you. I definitely don't suggest spending 10 hours cleaning a rental, but perhaps you could find another project for the two of you to do.

I know, it seems like we spend all of our time catering to other people and then, when we do something for ourselves, they need more catering. I think your hubby is probably somewhat insecure in himself and seeing you getting stronger every day and looking better is intimidating to him. But, a 42 year marriage is proof that you both have the strength to get through this. Maybe he will decide to do something to improve his own self-image once it dawns on him that you are still the same person, just much healthier. I wish you luck!!

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I am a Marriage Therapist and your husband is scared to death that your going to leave him. If I was you, I would go to therapy myself and give him an open invitation. He will follow if he wants to save his marriage. He does sound really depressed and could benefit from some sort of antidepressant. along with therapy. However, he views therapy as a bad thing. :banghead:

Also, you both are in a big transition now, it's not easy living together. Even though you've lived in Iowa most the time, research has shown that there is a culture shock when changing locations. It takes 2 years to adjust and climate, and then it's really hard to go back. Give it time, Tell yourself that your beautiful (because you are) and let your hubby struggle with himself. Please don't take that on. That's his issue not yours.

BTW, my hubby is over weight and he's working on eating less and slowing down when he's eating. He has lost a few lbs. Your hubby will follow too. It takes time. Just keep telling your hubby you love him, and let him have his little tantrums. Do not reinforce those. I know, easier said then done. Hugs

[happy1957 138]

Happy, I know your advice was meant for Kathy, but I'm stealing some of it. My hubby and I have been separated since June of last year. He's now going to AA and has 30+ days of sobriety, and counting. We're taking baby steps to improve our relationship, and I think your advice was as applicable to my situation as to Kathy's situation.

Kathy, I think it's great that you are seeing a problem and working to find a solution now rather than waiting until it explodes. Maybe Happy is right that you should let your kids know what is going on with hubby. Perhaps they can help you involve your husband in more family activities like having the kids/grands over for dinner or an afternoon of visiting. Once he sees that you are still the same person, maybe that will give him more confidence that you aren't going to leave him just because you lost weight.

I'm personally working on the positive reinforcement side right now with my hubby. Letting him know how much I love the guy he is when he's sober. We are dating again, trying to spend time together. Maybe a few dates IS what you guys need. David, my hubby, seems to feel more involved with what I'm doing to lose weight when we split a meal at a restaurant, or if he gets to help me do something that I just can't do completely by myself. Earlier this week I had to clean out a rental where the renters left 54 bags of garbage and a ton of personal stuff. Hubby came and helped with this huge project. It seems to have had a very positive effect on his attitude towards me...and I know it had a positive effect on my attitude towards him. I think anything that makes a couple work as a team helps build the relationship.

Maybe you could point out to your hubby all the ways that you see him as supportive to you. I definitely don't suggest spending 10 hours cleaning a rental, but perhaps you could find another project for the two of you to do.

I know, it seems like we spend all of our time catering to other people and then, when we do something for ourselves, they need more catering. I think your hubby is probably somewhat insecure in himself and seeing you getting stronger every day and looking better is intimidating to him. But, a 42 year marriage is proof that you both have the strength to get through this. Maybe he will decide to do something to improve his own self-image once it dawns on him that you are still the same person, just much healthier. I wish you luck!! :smile1:

I'm happy for you LIssa, I wish at times my first husband could have understood that I had needs. He wasn't a bad man, but was needy and God forbid I needed a shoulder. I think we often have to mature a lot before we can truly communicate. At times the other person isn't willing to participate. Hopefully your husbands sobriety will be the key that unlocks new doors for both of you. It looks like you BOTH are on paths to a healthier life which will keep you in a healthier and happy relationship.

[Helen the Cat 42]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom! You all have given me so much to think about.

When I re-read my original post, it dawned on me that I might have painted Bill as the entire problem. And he isn't! He is such a good man! He has ALWAYS been dependable during the years of our marriage, a hard worker, someone I could always depend on. He has NEVER been a drinker, gambler, womanizer, etc. He has always put our family first. He has been a wonderful provider, and always generous to share his time, talent and resources with me and our children.

I have always been SO proud to call him my husband! So these last 8 weeks (since I moved home) have really thrown me for a loop.

I am so thankful for all of your responses. I was uncertain if I should post here about this topic, as it is SO personal, and Bill would probably kill me if he knew I was sharing something so personal on a web site where anybody can read it. However, from frequenting this board for the last year and a half (I was a lurker for months before I joined this site!) I know you all to be compassionate, caring, loving individuals, whom I trust to give me your best advice.

And you have given me SO much to think about. Sandyd, you pointed out that we have probably grown apart, and I think you are correct. We both got used to doing whatever we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it, without taking the other individual into consideration, since we were apart and could do just that. I think we both need to start considering the other person before we make plans; before we make decisions; before we do things; especially things that potentially involve both partners.

Bill has undergone so many changes in his life in the last five years. He retired from a life long job of driving a truck for the same company for 35 years. He has had two heart attacks, a stroke, was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure, got another job after he retired, changed to a different job, and then his wife starts traveling around the country without him for months and months on end (sometimes years) without him. And then to top it off, I go off and "remakes" myself over into a totally different looking woman. (Although deep inside, I am THE SAME person I always have been.)

When I look at it from that point of view, he has had a tremendous amount of major stuff to adjust to. I guess it would stand to reason he might be a little depressed!

Thank you all again for your wonderful advice. I am going to talk with Bill about going to his next doctors appointment,which will be in the next 1-2 weeks for his diabetes check up. Am going to ask the doc to evaluate him for some anti-depression medication, and also ask him for a referral to a counselor, if Bill won't go, I will go by myself. We will just HAVE to find the $$$ to pay for it! Also am going to try and convince him that we need to start trying to "reconnect". I am NOT going to let go of this marriage after all these years without a fight. I have loved this man since the day I first saw him, and my feelings have only intensified since then.

Again, thanks to all of you who have read and offered your thoughts! God Bless you all.

Kathy D

[yecats 109]

Dear Kathy,

You sound like a wonderful and compassionate woman. I admire your commitment to your husband. I also admire how you recognize that you are not the only one in pain. Sometimes we only see our own discomfort.

I know you said that your husband would probably have a fit if he knew you posted personnal things about your relationship online, my husband would also. Yet, I think if I was you I would share both of those posts that you have written. They showed your sincerity and mostly the love and commitment to your husband. He might get upset but eventually would he see how inlove with him you are?

Your words moved me.

You and your husband are in my prayers.

[readyforachange 51]

Kathy, you sound like a wonderful marriage partner. 42 years of marriage! What an accomplishment. You two will make it........I think you just need to try everything you can........ like what has been mentioned here on this board. You and your hubby have gone through an amazing amount of changes in your lives. Just hold on tight......you'll make it!

[lsereno 2,525]

Kathy,

You've gotten some good advice already. I just want to let you know my thoughts are with you.

For myself, I wouldn't share my posts here with my husband. I know he would view that as a betrayal. He is very private. You will know what is best for you.

I agree with others that he sounds depressed. In men, depression often exhibits as anger. I found this out the hard way because I have a son with mental health issues. I think going to the Dr. with him is a great idea! Some medications and medical conditions can cause depression, not to mention all the changes you guys have been through the last few years.

And working on reconnecting is important.

My husband I didn't have these issues, but he does occasionally seem a little anxious about my weight loss. When he does, I try to make sure he feels my love and devotion and he gets over it quick. We have been together 31 years. It's easier to know how to make him happy after all that time! He likes to do things for me, so sometimes I just ask for help even if it's something I could do myself. And I make a point to cuddle up a little more than I used to. He likes that too!

Best wishes on your journey,

Lynda

[peacequeen 434]

I can't offer any other advice than what has already been given. I just wanted to make a suggestion..if you are a spiritual person then maybe you or you and your husband can talk to a pastor/preacher/priest. They don't normally charge.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

hi kathy

bill has gone through a lot of physical problems - 2 heart attacks, stroke, high blood pressure not to mention diabetes. Retiring then getting a new job over these past five years. That's quite a lot to deal with.As mentioned he's probably dealing with not diagnosed depression Not minimizing that its hard for you to go through too.. Then to stir into the pot that you are successfully losing weight now - thats a lot to swallow for him

You two always had that connection, being overweight. Going out to dinner. That common bond.

Now all of a sudden your weight has been dropping so much over this past year, down 100 lbs. with about 6 to go. How wonderful for you - but as said on the board - there is probably a confliction on bill's part, he is happy for you - but he doesn't feel too good about being heavy vs your weight.

Hang in there - you both do love each other for 42 years - i think thats a good "start" and worth it to continue while you deal with and solve these problems one day at a time. it will happen

I'm a Kathy too !

best

[swizzly 901]

The thing that stands out most for me is that I think your husband is depressed and needs to be treated for it. He is acting out exactly in ways that are predictable for middle-aged men who are depressed. I think prozac or similar would work a miracle probably. Anyhow, ALL the best to both of you -- two really good people trying to work it out. :-) <3

[Helen the Cat 42]

First of all, I want to extend a huge "Thank You" to everyone who gave me such wonderful advice! I REALLY appreciate it. I have read and re-read every response, and think that you are all SO wise!

Next, I just want to say that I think things are actually getting better at our house. We have had several really good heart to heart talks. And I secured a promise from Bill to talk with his primary care physician about being evaluated to go on some anti-depressant medication. I am so encouraged that he is willing to take this step.

This doesn't mean all our problems are solved by any means, and I know that! I am committed to working hard to make Bill feel more comfortable in our marriage.

In return, I have promised him that I won't take a contract to work more than one day's drive from home. That way I can always come home on my days off, and he can come to visit more easily when he is lonesome!

I know all isn't perfect yet, but I see that by making an effort, prayer and determination, things ARE improving. Thanks to all who helped!