Need Some Advice - Don't Know What To Do Or Say..

[LovingHusband1979 0]

My wife has seriously been considering having the gastric sleeve. I am fully supportive of her in anything she wants to do, and want nothing but the best for her...except for this. She is a little overweight, and has a low metabolism so it is hard for her to keep weight off. On the same token, she isn't physically active and does not even try to restrain herself from the temptation to eat fattening foods, especially when other people are doing it. Let me just be very clear here, I am in no way deluded to the fact that those are easy things to do, and I am 100% aware that those things are much easier said than done. I just happen to be one of those people who can eat whatever I want and not gain weight. That doesn't mean I'm any healthier, though, as I am 32, 5'7 150lbs, and have very high cholesterol. Therefore I also need to make some changes in my lifestyle. My wife has 3 sisters. Two of them have already had a WLS, one a bypass, the other a lap band. Neither of them are physically active, nor limit what they eat either. Funny part is, sister #3 is probably I'd say 5'4, 120 lbs, VERY healthy...difference? She eats right and exercises. That's it, we are talking about the same genetics here. Therefore, I am extremely reluctant to give my wife the blessing to go have a life altering surgery that has a chance (no matter how low the risk stats are, this is my family) of taking away the things that I love the most about her. Those things are the fact that she is happy, healthy, full of life, and a very smart and sophisticated woman (software engineer). If she were morbidly obese, and her weight was truly becoming a hazard to her health and well being, then I may feel different, but even then I'd be somewhat skeptical about a surgery that removes 90% of your stomach, the vital organ given to us by our creator to ensure that our body gets the nutrients it needs to sustain health. The thing is, I know for a fact that she thinks it is much worse than it actually is, and by making a few life changes (changes that she would have to make REGARDLESS, even IF she had the surgery), she can stop gaining weight, and eventually (key word here.."eventually", it NOBODY SAID IT IS EASY and it DOES NOT happen overnight, or even "quickly", not naturally anyway), start to lose weight. Problem is she tries to tell me she's tried, but all I've seen is her "try to try" for roughly a month or so, get discouraged because she's not losing weight like she wants, and just give up. My ex gf had the same exact issue, but she COMMITTED herself, ate right EVERY SINGLE MEAL for MONTHS, exercised 3-5 times a week, and eventually lost 80 lbs. Back to the main issue here. The part that makes it even harder for me to convince her is the fact that her best friend is married to an bariatric surgeon, a very successful and extremely intelligent guy with tons of success stories, whom I have nothing but respect for. What gets me is the fact that this surgery is irreversible, and if it does not go as planned, and complications arise (especially some of the ones I've been reading about, it would literally tear my heart out to see that happen to my family), there is no way to just go back and "fix" that. For some, a life of sickness and regret is very long lasting. I may seem like I'm being unfair here, but that is how I feel. I have tried telling her everything I can, and even broke down crying last night over the thought of something bad happening to her, but she still sees it as I am not supportive of her and that I am being unfair. I finally told her that if she decides to go through with it, it will only be after she has turned her back on me and has chosen her desire to lose weight "easily" over me. The thing is, this affects me nearly as much as it would her. I have no way to predict the future, and I know the odds of something going wrong are extremely low, but that small percentage is enough for me to say that it is NOT WORTH THE RISK. Especially when there is no doubt in my mind that if she REALLY try, without expecting something in return, she will look back a year from now and be so happy she didn't go through with it. Anyway, I can go on and on about this forever, but if anyone has any advice for me, PLEASE tell me, this issue is dominating my household right now and it hurts, scares, and frustrates me to no end. I love her with every ounce of my being and would literally stand in front of a bullet for her. I would do ANYTHING for this woman, but I will not agree to this, not at this time in the perfectly healthy condition she is in. Bariatric surgery is an amazing MEDICAL breakthrough, and for people who have a MEDICAL need for it, it is a God Send. But that is simply not the case here. One more thing I just want to say that I am very understanding of this issue, although it is not something I have experienced first hand, and I want to be clear that I mean no disrespect or insult to anyone who may be reading this. I see the struggles and I know it is very hard. I'm just in the situation I'm in, that I really don't know what to do...

[soforreal 7]

If you haven't been in her shoes then you wouldn't understand. Just try and be supportive, and be there for her--- We all have issues to deal with hers may be food/lack of excercise. You may have something else to deal with like your high cholesterol. You are just mentioning negatives. Try to list some positives. I would also stop comparing her to your ex-girlfriend not cool!!! Quit thinking something bad will happen and think of the good that could come from this. Sorry if you are offended. I just understand how she feels to have the one you love constantly in your ear about what could happen. She is not choosing the surgery over you. She is choosing life!!! Let Go and Let God!!!

[rahnava 30]

I just have something simple to say. Several times you've compared her to other women albeit her sisters and even your ex. That's not fair to her situation and it may help to look at this thrugh fresh eyes without comparison. Talk to her and if she isnsmartmlikenyou say then she is going to make the best decision for herself THEN it's up to you to do what makes her happy and healthy. It's not about you or your blessing. It's about what she thinks is best for herself. I had my surgery Monday and I am obese and needed this. After I gave my husband the information he was highly supportive. I respect that more than having to convince him.

[Lissa 2,631]

Well, Husband, I have to give you some cold, hard facts about losing weight, so please be sure you're sitting down. In 2010, I lost 50 lbs by diet, exercise, and watching every single bite that went into my mouth. I was doing terrific. Happy, healthy, running my own business, very successfully, I might add. I was a newlywed and had a great husband, or so I thought. As newlyweds, we dealt with getting sudden, total, custody of a 16 year old boy who didn't know how to do anything for himself. We also had a six month houseguest of a relative who was going through a bad divorce, my 19 year old son, and two demanding jobs. If that wasn't enough, his mother was very ill and we became the de facto caregivers because of his parents' ages (73 and 72). And my hubby is a UPS driver, so he had NO time available to deal with all of that.

I handled everything that came down the pike. The stress of all that put ME in the hospital with pneumonia. The drugs used to cure the pneumonia piled that 50 pounds back onto me within a few weeks, and added instant health problems. Rheumatoid Arthritis, Asthma, Blood Clots and Pulmonary Embolisms are only a few of the health related issues I've dealt with. Being obese, I was a prime target for any and all health complications that you can get from what started out as a simple cold.

I'm certain your wife isn't just a "little" heavy. If she's entertaining the idea of weight loss surgery, then she's at least a 30 BMI, so probably 90-100 pounds overweight. Dr Oz has gone on the record as saying that being 100 pounds overweight is like having a major cancer. He also endorses weight loss surgery as the most effective way to lose weight at that point. So, my question to you is this: If your wife were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, would you tell her to "eat right and exercise" in hopes that the cancer would go away?

You can read the stories here on VST about people who have everything from "just" overweight to morbid obesity. All of us have tried, and tried, and tried to lose the weight. Many people DO lose the weight. Several posters here lost 100+ pounds through diet and exercise. The thing is, then they gained it ALL back, usually with extra pounds to keep the originals company.

No, the sleeve isn't magical, but it sure seems that way to many of us. My sleeve has allowed me to take off 84 pounds in 5 months, WITHOUT being hungry. Taking that weight off has made a HUGE difference in my energy level and in my ABILITY to exercise. I could barely walk before surgery. This morning, I cleaned house for several hours, walked around Walmart twice cause I wanted to, put away groceries, did laundry and remade every bed in my house afterwards, cooked food, went to the bank, etc...... THEN I came home and did my calisthenics and weights. If your wife could have that kind of energy boost, wouldn't you want that for her?

You say you love and adore your wife, but then you say that you have told her she'd have weight loss surgery, basically, over your departed body. Would you REALLY leave your wife for wanting to improve her health?

I'm actually assuming you're a troll, but I'm answering your post on the off-chance that you aren't. I believe you'd have a longer, more successful marriage if you listen to your wife. She didn't decide on a whim to have WLS. She's researched it, probably in great detail. It's good that you're here and looking at other people's stories. Complications DO happen, but complications to your wife's health can happen any day of the week, especially if she's overweight. My 5'0", 105 pound best friend dropped dead on January 7, 2012. That proves that life is a crap shoot. If your wife thinks this surgery will improve her quality of life and give her the opportunity to improve/preserve her health, you should be willing to listen.

BTW, comparing your wife to ANY other woman is a very bad move. Especially comparing her to her sisters (sibling rivalry) and an ex girlfriend? I think you're lucky she's such a loving woman. I would probably have showed you the door if you told me that stuff.

I hope you do some more research and sit down with an OPEN mind to listen to your wife. Believe me, she's not throwing out the idea of surgery lightly. Good luck to both of you.

[Mater 63]

Wow, I have to say you should probably get behind her or lose her. Even from a man's point of view. You are being way to critical of her by comparing her to others. If you love her you will support her. Are you sure you aren't just worried about her getting skinny and confident and leaving your negative personality in her dust? Maybe you've been there before. That woman who lost 80 lbs is your ex for a reason!

[soforreal 7]

Thanks for the Male Perspective Mater.

[LovingHusband1979 0]

Thanks for your advice, but I am pretty sure you are misunderstanding me. I am not "comparing" her to anyone. Just because I tell you a few things about other people I know doesn't mean I am "comparing" her to them. Also, I always look at BOTH sides of EVERY coin, weigh the pros with the cons before I make any decision. Also, as someone mentioned that I am not being supportive, that is far from true, I support her in everything, and also, any decision my wife makes DOES affect me, and it isn't ONLY about her....as it would be if the situation were reversed. I am not only looking at negatives when I first was told about this surgery (by the doctor himself), I said "wow...that is amazing!", then I started reading about the success stories, and was even more convinced. But as I said, I look at the both sides of every coin, and, well, as far as I am concerned, it is an unnecessary risk, and I just don't feel that it is the only option, and I do not feel it is what's best for my FAMILY. If that makes me unfair, well I guess I'm just unfair, but as of yet I haven't heard anything convincing enough, when looking at the pros AND cons, to change the way I feel.

[Lissa 2,631]

Well then, Husband, you are going to have a nice divorce in your future. If your wife is seriously considering WLS and you give her an ultimatum, be prepared for her to dump you. The fact that you compared her to others here tells me that you have done it to her. She knows, even if you never verbalize it.

[LovingHusband1979 0]

Ok Mater,

That is disrespectful and insulting. No. That is not what I am worried about. My wife is in love with me, regardless of what her weight is. If you are suggesting my wife is only with me because she has a low self esteem and doesn't think she can get any better, I am glad you are saying that through an internet forum because it is an insult and just like any human being, I don't take well to being insulted. Not to mention if I wanted a girl only because of her size, I could have gotten plenty of "skinny" girls, but I chose her. I will say this one more time, and then I am done with this conversation. My wife is healthy, happy, beautiful and intelligent. She is not physically active and does not watch what she eats. If she did, and was still gaining weight, then maybe I would feel different. I am only concerned about the health and well being of my family, and I'm sorry but if I don't feel that a SURGERY is necessary, I simply can not just "pretent" and go along with it. Furthermore, I am a very confident, attractive, and SUPPORTIVE person, sorry I came to this forum because although some of you may not be close minded, rather just misunderstanding of what I am saying, there are definitely some EXTREMELY close minded people involved in this conversation.

[Doreykn 113]

Wow! I'm not going to give you a big speech, you already had those previous comments coming! How overweight is your wife? If she is considering WLS, her weight bothers her. Maybe, just maybe... you don't want her to lose the weight. I know you said you want her to be happy & healthy, but threatening to leave her??? Shame on you!

I thank GOD everyday for my SUPPORTIVE husband! :amen:

[Vance_ 217]

Three words...support your wife. She wants to be healthier and thinner. Why?? Probably for you. WLS is only a tool. It's a kick start to get us going to where we need to be. I did Atkins, Nutrisystem, phentermine, you name it. I lost weight too, but I gained it all back. Why? Because none of that taught me the correct way to eat. With this surgery, you are restricted to what you can eat. What you put in your body will now matter because you can't over eat (in the initial stages). It will truly teach your wife how and what to eat and get her moving down the right path. It's just a tool. But when she sees the weight coming off, it will drive her to eat correctly and make good decisions about what she puts in her body.

Be supportive. She desires it from you. Again, she probably wants to do it for you. I did it for my wife and my three children because I want to be around for more than 10 more years. I am only 42 and I was on my way to widowing my wife in less than 10 years.

[Mater 63]

So, welcome to the real world.... The only closed minded person here is you sir. Second, I wasn't talking bad about your wife. I was talking about you. I would continue except there is no need because you are finished with this forum. Goodbye....

Ok, just one more thing. The only misunderstanding person on here is you. You can't even hear what you are saying.

[cludgie 81]

I can actually sympathise with your viewpoint, my husband was mortified when i first spoke of wls, and was terrified for me, and I was fortunate that I started off with 'only' about 80lb to lose, not big enough to qualify for surgery on the nhs, and thankfully not big enough for any co-morbidities (yet!).

However my quality of life was poor, lacking confidence, avoiding tonnes of different situations because I was too fat, or just afraid of being too fat, I was wasting my life to years of abject misery, and I was a ticking timebomb waiting to get bigger and bigger, and less well with every extra lb.

Thankfully my husband saw that, and although he was afraid of losing me during surgery, he knew that my long term aim was to hopefully buy more fit, active happy years with my husband and children.

I've spoken to my husband at length about how my journey has affected him, and he says he has NEVER regretted my decision, he loves me being; more confident, more involved in every element of family life, and happier. My husband never noticed just how fat i was or badly affected i was until that started to change and he had the comparison.

If your wife takes this step, she is not chosing weightloss over you, she is pusuing her right to be happy and healthy (yes there may be other ways to get to that point, but that makes them neither right nor wrong), and only you can chose to make that a marital issue.

[LovingHusband1979 0]

When you VERY VERY VERY VERY close minded people have your mind made up, nothing I say will make any difference, unless I just lie and say what you want to hear. I am with my wife for the person she is on the inside. YES I want her to lose weight. She was much thinner when we met and looked great, but I, unlike the rest of you obviously VERY shallow people still think she is just as beautiful as the day I met her, as INSANE as that may sound. I love her no matter what, but since you people have warranted my OPINION, as well as INSULTED me beyond belief I will give you an unfiltered overview of how I feel about WLS. It is a MEDICAL procedure, it is A GOD SEND for someone whose health is IN DANGER. For someone who only needs to lose 40 or 50 lbs, it is an unnecessary risk, and call me every name in the book I really don't care because you people have already insulted my family and my very reason for loving my wife, but when I see someone take a risk like that only to lose a little weight, because they were not physically active, didn't watch what they ate, I do not feel "proud" of those people. If my wife made a few changes in her lifestyle, and I mean REAL changes, not only for a month or so, and still didn't lose the weight, I would still see her just as beautiful as I always have. Our health is the more precious thing we have and playing around with something so vital should not be taken so lightly, REGARDLESS of how good of a marketing ploy these doctors distribute. On that note, I obviously came to the wrong place, GOODBYE.

[Lissa 2,631]

LovingHusband, and I use that term loosely. You are being close-minded. It appears that all you want to hear from us is that you are a great guy because you're threatening your wife with divorce if she has this surgery. It's not gonna happen on this board. My hubby told me the same thing. He now lives alone and about falls all over himself every time he sees the new, improved me. I'm sure he needs a roommate if you're interested.

I don't think anyone said your wife had low self-esteem. What we all said is that SHE deserves the opportunity to make her life better, and she deserves that chance BEFORE she hits health problems because of her weight. In the long run, YOU don't get to decide whether she has surgery or not. You just get to decide if you're going to support her or be a stumbling block. If you're going to be a stumbling block, you won't be married for long, especially if she's half as smart as you say she is.

I'm sure that you didn't read the responses, though. So we're all wasting our time trying to give you information.