Well, My Dad's Not Very Happy.

[justkeepsmiling 3]

Okay, so here's a quick rundown of what's been going on. My dad wasn't informed about this surgery until after I got insurance approval and that is the route that I decided would be best because my dad doesn't like it when things are half assed. After checking this route with my mom, she agreed with me. That way, after my consultation and all the tests I would be able to answer his questions. And I decided to wait until after getting insurance approval because if I got denied by insurance, there wasn't any point in getting him all worked up about it. Well, he wasn't happy with that decision, or any other decisions I've made for my life, especially those regarding this surgery.

For the past two weeks, we have been fighting nonstop. Calm talks turn into screaming matches and then I get upset and then we'll go days before talking again, and then the cycle repeats. He went as far as to say he would pull me from the insurance policy if I continue to say that I would go through with this. But at the end of yesterday's conversation, that threat was mentioned and I think he's relenting because he said, "Cate, you're going to do whatever it is you want to do anyway."

Our relationship has always been rocky and complicated. He was never around when I was growing up and recently, because of my mom's declining health, made more of an effort to be present in the last three years. But I will stand by how I feel and that's that he can't just decide to waltz back into my life and stop me from making major decisions for my life. He's never been to a single doctor's appointment with me.

Which brings me to my next point. He called all my doctors - my PCP, my endo, my gyno, my gastro, my neuro, my suregon - who all spoke to him, except my suregon, and not only did they speak to him about my medical records without my written or verbal permission, but my endo told him inaccurate and incorrect information! My suregon, the gentleman that he is, requested a meeting with both my parents and myself to answer any and all questions that they may have, (I went to my consult with a friend because my mom is disabled and homebound, except in cases like this, and my father was still in the dark at that point.) and also asked for my permission to speak to my parents about my medical history.

It just makes me crazy. If I don't get pulled from the policy and I do have surgery next Thursday, I'm going to be going to the hospital alone. I have one parent that supports me and can't be there and one parent that could be there but doesn't support me. I just hate how friends that I known for my whole life and even those that I've only had for a year or two support me more then my own family. I'm so tired of fighting with him and I'm sorry that he doesn't like what I'm doing but I'm doing this for me. One thing for me and he needs to understand that. And I know that, regardless of how 'in' my life he was, he's still my parent and he's still concerned, but he doesn't want to know anything about this. He is so stubborn!

So, if things go as planned, I will have surgery on Feb. 9th. I'm just so completely stressed out. Thanks for letting me vent, I needed to get that off my chest.

[reallyrosy 161]

You know what? Just before surgery is a most stressful time and that'sw hen things pile on even more. Happened to me and I am thinking its just a celestial test sent down to make sure we're doing what we want to do...and are committed.

Your dad sounds horribly unreasonable...but will a friend be with u on the day of surgery? I'm sure that will be an enormous help to u. And you're gonna be o.k., you know? Because all this stress wouldn't have dumped on you if you were not having the surgery. So "bring it on" and good luck!

[BigToeVSG 12]

First off... Wow! I am sorry you are going through that. It is a difficult decision for all of us to begin with. I know a lot of pain, effort and thought goes into the process and going through it with out the much needed support makes it even more difficult.

Ultimately, it is your choice. I know its not much consolation but there is a group of people here who, no matter what, will support you as best they can. I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope your dad will come around to be supportive.

Best wishes and prayers!

[circa 333]

I honestly think you need to file a formal complaint against the doctors that violated HIPPA. We often let it go and they do it over and over again.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult situation with your Dad - Dad's get scared and they tend to lash out when they get scared.

[mommy794 119]

If you are over 18 they are not allowed to give out your medical information unless you specifially put your mom and dad's names down on your paper work as being allowed to get the information... that's just wrong! I hope it all works out and your dad comes around soon!

[Nikki613 120]

Sending Hugs!!!Im so sorry you are going through this. I hope he comes around.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Wow, just wow. I would also have a word with the doctors who spoke directly to your dad and violated your privacy. Although you are on his insurance, if you are over 18, I don't think they can do that without your consent. File a HIPPA complaint.

As for dropping you from the insurance plan: Is he court ordered to have you on his insurance? Ask your mother for her copy of the divorce decree.

Also, I don't know about your dad's insurance plan, but most group plans through an employer do NOT allow changes during the year unless cerain circumstances arise, like the birth of a baby qualifies to add a family member, or a spouse who carried the family insurance losing their job and insurance would qualify the other spouse to add those members to the policy. But dropping a child from the policy because he doesn't agree with a treatment plan would not be allowed in most employer sponsored plans.

Arm yourself with the facts and then talk to him. You have a right to know if you will have health insurance or not. You can even call his employer and ask.

Perhaps he is hurt that you didn't include him in your decision, perhaps he is just concerned for you, perhaps he is a control freak, maybe a combination of any or all of those.

[justkeepsmiling 3]

Well, after all this, it turns out, there isn't going to be a surgery for me. Yesterday I had a meeting with my suregon and my dad and after talking for about an hour, my suregon made the decision not to operate on me because of how my dad feels. Am I okay with this? No, not at all. It was kind of like I was sitting in a room with these two men who just up and decided to make a major life decision for me without my input. I'm fuming.

So I'm not really sure where to go from here. It's safe to say that I'm feeling worse about myself then I've ever felt before. I'm so angry and upset. He just doesn't get to do this.

As for all of you that answered in regards to my insurance and a breech of HIPPA, I'm nineteen and my parents are still married, God only knows why. After I called my PCP and gave him an earful, he responded that because I have been seeing him since I was a minor - the same is true for all my doctors - that I would have had to file a piece of paperwork after turning eighteen to state that they couldn't talk to my parent(s). I should file a complaint, but I don't have the energy to start trouble.

So bottom line for me is that this was all just a huge waste of time. It was also the end of my rope, so now that I've hit rock bottom and no one's around to help me from here, I'm not sure where to go. But thank you guys, really, for all your help, support and advice. It means alot.

[Patienlywtng on my Curves 73]

Hi there,

You will have to do just what your user name says! Though you do not like what has happened, all things happen for a reason. But don't stop your journey there. It may just lead to a different Avenue. If it brings you back here, it will happen with no stress, no hitches, and no interferences!

Much success to you in whatever you do for your health!

~LynT

[circa 333]

Well, after all this, it turns out, there isn't going to be a surgery for me. Yesterday I had a meeting with my suregon and my dad and after talking for about an hour, my suregon made the decision not to operate on me because of how my dad feels. Am I okay with this? No, not at all. It was kind of like I was sitting in a room with these two men who just up and decided to make a major life decision for me without my input. I'm fuming.

So I'm not really sure where to go from here. It's safe to say that I'm feeling worse about myself then I've ever felt before. I'm so angry and upset. He just doesn't get to do this.

As for all of you that answered in regards to my insurance and a breech of HIPPA, I'm nineteen and my parents are still married, God only knows why. After I called my PCP and gave him an earful, he responded that because I have been seeing him since I was a minor - the same is true for all my doctors - that I would have had to file a piece of paperwork after turning eighteen to state that they couldn't talk to my parent(s). I should file a complaint, but I don't have the energy to start trouble.

So bottom line for me is that this was all just a huge waste of time. It was also the end of my rope, so now that I've hit rock bottom and no one's around to help me from here, I'm not sure where to go. But thank you guys, really, for all your help, support and advice. It means alot. :smile1:

That is an absolute LIE. Once you turn 18, and in some states, even BEFORE you're 18, medical professionals CANNOT divulge any information WITHOUT your permission. This is not an opt-out thing.

I think you need to find another surgeon. Keep at it if its what you really want!

[Lissa 2,631]

I agree that it's a lie that you have to file a paper to keep a doctor from talking to your parents! I've got two adult sons whose doctors often requested that I leave the room while they had private talks with my sons. The kids usually told me what it was about (drugs, alcohol, sex), but the doctors never would because of privacy laws. My youngest was dx with diabetes at 14 and his endocrinologist often asked my son if he wanted to doctor to go over the diagnostic tests with me in the room. ALL patients are entitled to privacy.

As for the surgeon deciding not to operate, F him. There are other doctors and you can go to another doctor. Your insurance has already approved your surgery. If you're determined, and it sounds like you may not be?, then call that surgeon back and explain to him that YOU are the patient and it is YOUR decision that counts, not your father's. If the surgeon still refuses to do your surgery, call the insurance company and ask for another doctor's name.

BTW, if I lived anywhere near NY, I'd offer to be there for you on the day of surgery. I'm a good mommy-figure.

[Amanda131 214]

JustKeepSmiling-

I am going to take an unpopular stance here and play devil's advocate for dad. I will in no way do the same for the medical professionals as they obviously violated HIPPA.

I have no idea of your weight or your co-morbodities, but I think your father has valid reasons for concern. As you are on his insurance, I am going to assume you are not financially independent. You stated that your mother is homebound. That means the burden of financial caregiver falls to your father. Although complications are not common, they are something that must be considered. Perhaps he is not prepared, either financially or emotionally, to deal with this possibility.

You mentioned in a previous post that he tried to spend more time with you after your mother became ill. That indicates to me that despite previous hurts he cares for you deeply. I can tell you that you have no concept of fear until you have a child. The thought of your child possibly being hurt and being unable to stop it literally keeps us parents up at night.

I am certain that you are emotionally hurt, disappointed and probably disillusioned at this point. I urge you to try to see this from the other perspective. Continue to attempt an adult dialogue with your father and he may surprise you with future receptiveness. At the same time, work to complete the schooling, etc. necessary to become financially self-sufficent and then take the necessary steps to surgery on your own.

Best wishes-

Amanda

[thebionicbroad 127]

Smiling,

I'd be there for you, too, if I lived in your area. Your dad is acting more like a husband than a father. Lissa is right. Call another surgeon. I wouldn't want that twit operating on me, anyway. Be strong, and keep going. It's worth it.

[E-girl 98]

Smiling:First, You need to go the this site of the HIPAA privacy law: http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/. Second, you need to obtain your entire medical record including all paperwork that states you agreed to allow your parents to view your medical information. If no paperwork exists after you turned 18, you have a case. Then I would call around for a lawyer to take you case on "contingency", which means that the plaintiff agrees that the attorney's fee will be determined by the amount of the settlement awarded to the plaintiff, should the case be won in the plaintiff's favor. If the plaintiff does not win the case, the attorney will receive no fee.

After you sue the pants off the PCP, you can pay for your surgery in cash! Also, you're 19, get job that offers insurance and get another PCP.

My parents paid for nothing after I was 18. I worked full time and went to school full time and graduated with a 3.875 GPA. At one point, I had 3 jobs and when to school at night. If you want the surgery that bad, you'll do whatever it takes

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Good advice. Look into this forum more, lots of people have gotten off to a slow start, then find a way to get what they want and need. You can too. Just don't give up.