Need Some Advice.

[kewlaid585 3]

Hi all, I was looking for a little advice on the sleeve effects on relationships. I was sleeved on 4/4/11 and weighed in at 352. Currently I am at 215 and have to work hard at not going lower. I work out and eat right during the week but on the weekends I must splurge on high cals foods to stop my weight from dropping lower. I’ve been doing this for the last few months I tried to stop at 230.

This is where it has put a strain on my relationship. My other half says she is proud of my transformation but at the same time hates the fact I have to eat ice cream and etc. to stop from losing weight. It wasn’t bad at first but now she getting upset more and more. She is now becoming super jealous and telling me that I need to go find someone prettier than her. She has been putting on weight lately cause she is really busy at work and cant workout like she used to. I support her in all she does in trying to lose ex.(she wanted to join a coed-softball team, climb hills, hiking, etc.) I have done all of these with her but it doesn’t seem to help. Now she is saying that I’m not the same anymore because I walk with confidence, smile, and speak to people. Whereas I used to walk with my head down, rarely spoke, and had no confidence.

I love this lady but I’m at a loss on what I can do to help. My son and her were big reasons why I did the sleeve to improve my health and hopefully lengthen the time I have with them. Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.

[newgrandmother11 25]

well i hate to say it but you have to be happy sweetie and if someone can share that happiness than oh well. i know you love her but you did this for yourself more so for your family. it will pass hang in there.

im happy for your weight loss and i worry about that myself what if i cant stop losing, but really i hope i lose and get really skinny skinny skinny. right now i have a big butt and hips had them all my life. hate them i pray all of it leaves.

i hope i was able to put a little light on your situation. but im single what do i know lol

[Teri L 3]

Hi and congratulations on your success! You know, I think what you said here is sweet - tell her that! Remind her you did this because you wanted to improve the quality of your life, live a longer, healthier, happier, more fulfilling life, and that that desire was fueled in large part by your love for your Son and for her.

Sounds to me like she's feeling really insecure and needs some reassurance. As a woman, I will say it makes me so happy to have my husband surprise me with something thoughtful (little gestures count here!)- something you know she would really like and appreciate whether that is sappy romantic evening in, or taking her out on the town to her favorite restaurant and the movie she mentioned she would like to see (chic flicks get you even more credit!). Sometimes something as little as knowing how she likes her coffee in morning and having it ready for her when she wakes up can show her your love. Remind her you love her. I believe some of the smallest gestures can be the most meaningful as it shows that you're paying attention, listening, and that you love her.

And just another tip from a chic - if she's gaining weight don't counsel her on how to lose it - if she leads and wants you to go for a hike or something then go for it - but don't try coaching her thinking you're supporting her - most women (including myself) will take that the wrong way - believe me. Don't go there! One thing I really, really, really, REALLY love and appreciate about my husband is that even after gaining 100 pounds he NEVER made me feel badly about it- he treated me just like he always had. I'm serious - that alone meant so much to me. When I get skinny - the man I got is the man I want - the one who loved me when I was fat and thin. The one who loved me for me. =) Oh, and maybe try to eat ice cream and stuff like that little more on the down-low. Be sensitive.

I wish you the best of luck!

[DisappearingDivis 36]

First off let me say congratulations on your weight loss! You should be very proud of your accomplishment!

Second, sorry to see that your hard work has not always been met with a positive outcome.

I am a little over 6 weeks out so I can't speak to your exact situation. But my husband and I have tried to plan ahead. We have made a pact that at any time during this journey if either one of us had issues (example: felt neglected, left out, jealous or personality changes in one another) we could ask to go to counseling without fear of NEGATIVE REPERCUSSIONS. We won't argue just go (and then argue there, lol). We knew that many relationships are strained during this process and that we might not be seeing things in the same context as before. We all have insecurities and we all deal with them differently. I just know that for the hubby and I it helps when we have a third party person who is neutral hearing both sides and helping us walk in each other’s shoes. I never really wanted to go to counseling. I always thought that I could handle things on my own. But after going and really trying I found it to make a world of difference. Give it a chance. You'll be surprised at what you find out about yourself and your spouse. Good luck!

[kewlaid585 3]

Thanks for the replies. I can work harder at reassuring her and doing more to show it. Also I never try to coach her or say anything about her weight, I don’t think about it cause it doesn’t bother me and she was there through my tough times. I only agree to whatever help she requests from me. ( I hide my sweet treats in different places and eat them when she isn’t near ). The counseling sounds like a really good idea just have to find a way to present it without it coming across the wrong way.

Your all making great progress in your journey! Keep up the work and you will surpass your goals. The paradigm shift from trying to lose to trying to keeping it on has been an interesting one.

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

I think you should definately go to counseling - both jointly and maybe her alone.

Could you eat the things that bother her when you are outside the home? Maybe have desert with lunch, or an ice cream treat on the way home from work?

Would there be a way to add the calories back to your diet by adding an extra healthy meal (carb heavy) to your day rather than eat the junk calories? This would probably bother her less. Have you talked to a dietician about how to stay at your current weight?

Good Luck.

[Shoppingbeemom 31]

My husband made " jealous" coments after I had my surgery. I had sat down with him and started the ' what's going on' conversation. He had it in his head that I might want a whole new life now that I have a new body. I love and I'm in love with my husband, I'm a mother of 6...I'm not going any where . I asked him if he liked the way I looked before ( was he a secret chubby chaser? ), because he should of said something before the surgery if that was the case. We cleared the air and opened up. He was never a jealous person before, but having the surgery gave him a little insecurity. Sit down and have a heart to heart. Clearing out the emotional baggage will only help your family.

[M2G 1,836]

I think the more you guys can talk about what is going on the better. My hubby and I were both sleeved (I was about 5 months before him) so thankfully we've enjoyed the journey together, so there is little to argue about when it comes to food, buying new clothes, or looking -10 years younger.

But having said that, I think that this is a very common problem with WLS patients. I think talking about it (EVERYTHING) is the real key. Is she thinking you are going to leave her? Is it truly that you have to eat some treats after working so hard to lose the weight (gah, don't we all WISH we had THAT problem...side note, I agree with SKcunningham don't let the treats become a slippery slope in regards to your health, talk to a dietician...even a good big spoonful of Peanut Butter will net you around +200 extra calories a day!), OR is there something else that is bothering her. Is your success highlighting her failures? TALK about it and maybe in front of a non-interested 3rd party (counselor, pastor, etc.)

Good luck, this stuff is never easy, but most things that we value in our lives are things we have to WORK hard at! Hang in there!

[Lissa 2,631]

I think you answered your own question. Your Lady says that she "hates the fact that (you) have to eat ice cream, etc. to maintain (your) weight". To me, it sounds like she's worried about YOU and it is causing her stress. She knows that you should be eating healthier foods and that eating slider/junk foods is a slippery slope back to being overweight. I think the advice to talk to a nutritionist is right on point. Perhaps you could add complex carbs or more Protein calories to your diet to help maintain your weight.

Using "better" foods would also keep the bad stuff out of the house so it doesn't tempt your woman. The added benefit is that your son would not have those foods in his diet and will learn healthier dietary habits from watching you.

I agree with Teri who said to never say anything to your woman about her weight, even if you think it's constructive criticism. THAT is a huge NO NO. A couple of guys might say to one another "Hey, you've gained a couple of pounds. Too much beer?" but two women would NEVER say that to each other. And if a man ever said that to me, I'd be letting him talk to my back as I walked away. It's sad but true; we women are highly sensitive to even gently-worded comments about our weight!

You sound like a great guy who is trying to keep himself healthy for his family. I admire that. I hope that you'll come back and let us know that you have talked to a Nut to find a way to maintain in a healthy manner. I also hope that you and your Lady can work through this. You really should reassure her that you love and care for her and your son and that you are not going anywhere. Maybe hold her hand more in public, make sure you are bestowing that smile upon HER more often and that she sees and hears your admiration for her whenever you are together. I bet she'll be like a flower turning it's face toward the sun and you'll see HER smile and admiration more often, too!

Good luck!!