New (post) Body Issues?

[vanishingvixen 40]

*I'm posting here for most visibility. I really would like some feedback on this topic*

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the skin-ti-est of them all…? *tongue-in-cheek*

First, I want to say Thank You for the overwhelming response to the Transformation slide show. That, in part, is what prompted this blog today. I’m really trying to reconcile in my mind what is see in the MIRROR versus what I see in PICTURES. Like, seriously. These shots that are peppering this post? The ones of my taking a picture of myself IN the mirror? Yeah – it’s like, when I’m looking IN the mirror, I’m not viewing/processing it as I do when I look at the picture. I wouldn’t go as far to say as “body dysmorphic disorder” – but sometimes it feel that way…

For example: in this PICTURE, I see a regular looking body. Average size, etc…etc…etc. However, when I was standing in the MIRROR, I still just see…Gina. Be it size 24 Gina or size 14. It’s just…Me. Gina…

I’m not quite sure why this is such a mental thing for me, or if other people who have had WLS surgery go through the same mental/emotional battles/reckoning. A good friend of mine saw the slideshow yesterday and said “Wow…I never really saw you at that/any size. I always just saw Gina…” That to me, summed it up. As much as I was the proverbial “Big Girl & Proud of It” – as was extremely comfortable in that skin…I never really saw my SIZE (that is, until I look back at older pictures now that I lost weight). Just as now, I don’t see my SIZE…I just see…me.

It could very well be that I was in denial. And in part – that could be it. I mean, I knew I was a big girl, fat, whatever you want to call it…But I also knew that I looked pretty damned good for my size, or so I “thought”. But I also knew that I was big…and I had NO problem with that part of it. It wasn’t until I physically started feeling the ramifications of all that weight on this 5’3″ frame that I really knew I had to do something quick. But that would meant that I’m also in denial now, right? Sometimes, it’s like I’m denying to myself that I’ve actually lost that much weight. Like it’s NOT dramatic, or monumental, or fit-for-print.

I think it may be the fact that i had surgical intervention versus losing it all on my own, like I shouldn’t be “as” proud. For the most part, 75% of the loss has been fairly effortless. But after that first 75#, it started getting harder. The last 30# I lost took significant work on my part. And now, with goal in sight, I am having to work extra hard to keep pushing the tool – that is, the Vertical Sleeve – to it’s limits. Thereby, pushing myself harder.

Harder to keep making the best choices for my health…

Harder to keep forcing myself to exercise even when I’ve worked all day, or I’m operating on 3 hours of sleep, or dealing with a cranky 3 schooler who is vying for my undivided attention, or just spent 6 hours straight sitting at a table creating wearable “art” and my eyes are crossing…

Harder to NOT fall back into the whole “emotional eating” patterns that got me to the surgeon’s office in the first place (which was damn-near MURDER given the year 2011 I had (loss of a job, pseudo-single parenting while my husband was caring for a terminally ill parent, traveling back & forth up to NYC to assist hubby with the aforementioned, 3 year old starting pre-school, re-entering the workforce, trying to grow my small businesses in the wake of financial distress, etc…etc..etc…*whew*)

As if all of that isn’t enough – I’m still having to work on the the self-esteem part of the equation. And THAT is not something I ever had a problem with. So why is it now??? Granted, I was warned by the surgeon, nurtitionist, and in pre-op counseling about all of these “issues” being a very real thing for most folks who have undergone similar transformations…but I didn’t think it would be as big as an issue as it is. I WILL say that this may be one of the biggest pitfalls of WLS. Certainly those who have lost 100 or more pounds by them self don’t go through this image distortion, do they? MAybe is that-much-more appreciated when it’s done the good ole’ fashioned way. But, that’s neither here nor there. Just a thought!

There is one plus on the looks side, that a few people have mentioned to me. And that is: that if they didn’t “know” I’d had weight-loss surgery, then, well…they wouldn’t know.

my new "normal"

That is something that always concerned me. I didn’t want to “look” like I’d had it – kinda like when people have some work done on their face, they don’t want folks to know they’d been to a plastic surgeon. I don’t want to forever be someone that had weight loss surgery (thought there is no shame in it for me), I want to at some point be known as someone who did something (extreme as it may be) to get healthy.

At least I succeeded on that front. I sure as hell FEEL alot better than I did 15 months ago…but I also need to keep working on the mental/emotional health after-the-fact. I think that there is alot to that piece and that the rabbit hole can go very deep. So many people have so many different issues, that it’s hard to try to make sense of some of the bits & pieces that are entangled mind/body/soul.

*sigh*

I would LOVE to one day look in the mirror and say “HOT DAMN! Look at all that weight you lost, guhl! I see you, Boo!”. But for now, I will be happy with the pictorial images that confirm that this is NOT all a dream I am the same person I’ve always been. Just in a smaller package… I can’t deny that, anymore than I can deny/disassociate myself from my former bigger self (as much as I want to sometimes, based on some of those heinous pics!). I am who I am. I was proud of who I was then…and proud of who I am now. That should go without saying, right? Well, I’ve also come to notice that people (in general. not family/friends, but strangers/misc people) TREAT me differently than when I was obese. And it makes me ANGRY – for the reason I said before – I am the same Gina. But that’s a different blog, for a different day. I’ve been meaning to touch on the treatment of “fat” people in society (which I STILL consider myself at over 200#)…but everytime I start writing, I get so angry I can’t think straight. So, it will wait…

N-E-Ways…

I know I have rambled and digressed ALOT. But I got it out. I think the bottom line is that 15 months in…I still have YET to see what others see [physically] when they look at me. But I want to make it clear – this is NOT about self-love or being happy with myself. This – at least, for me – is about acceptance and truly SEEING/OWNING the tremendous change in my APPEARANCE. (But if you have never struggled with weight and/or lost a significant amount of weight – it’s unlikely that you will never understand)

NOW, the question is: who else on this journey has had similar issues? What do you think was at the root of it? How did you work through it?

ORiginal Blog post is here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/mirror-mirror/

[lsereno 2,525]

Haha, On most days, I don't see myself as smaller or feel smaller when sitting, standing, etc. But other people seem bigger. My clothes look to small to fit, but they are actually a little loose now. My face looks way thinner when I see a pic, but not when I look in the mirror. When I look at myself full-length in a mirror, I do notice I am smaller.

Part is that I rarely saw myself at my true size as I gained weight. At my heaviest, my clothes looked too big, but were snug or even too small. Part is that my head has just not caught up with the new me.

I am confident it will though. I'm ever hopeful :-) I'm also hoping for some skin shrinkage over the next year. My tummy has a frowny face for a belly button. So sad! But not as sad as dying from being overweight, which was a very real fear of mine.

Lynda

[treequeen 13]

My head is in the same place... I just see me. I struggle trying to understand what other ppl saw before versus what they see now... I probably don't give the proper response to compliments most of the time...I just don't get it. They say I look younger..though I always looked younger than my actual age... I see myself looking older now...I also don't get it when they say they barely recognize me...What is that about? I look the same... just thinner... same hair, same freckles, same quirky personality...

Sometimes I feel great and sexy, and other times I still feel fat. I am still in the obese catergory, so I think I'm allowed to still feel fat sometimes. The flapping arm fat really doesn't help with the feeling sexy.

We'll get there. One step at a time. Step one, knowing that we are healthy.

[Roseib 13]

What Isereno said applies to me. I don't seem smaller to me, but people seem bigger, even normal weighted people. I still have 60 or so pounds to lose but I've lost a LOT and you'd think I'd feel smaller. I think after a while, the new size just becomes normal. I've had long time friends who haven't seen me for a while not recognize me. I've gone down lots of clothes sizes. However, I still look like me to me.

[UXgrrl 29]

I'm glad that we're talking about this subject. I was thinking there was something the matter with my head.

Today was my first day back at work after a 6 week leave and 35 lbs gone. People kept commenting about how much I've lost and how great I looked (even people who didn't know I was gone for medical reasons) which was nice, but for a few weeks now I've been studying myself and my body in the bathroom mirror, searching to evidence that I am actually getting smaller. I just don't see it.

I mean, yeah, my clothes are a little looser, and my rolls are softer, and I can bend in half to reach my feet easier because my midsection isn't so thick when it folds up, but that's all...

I guess it will be noticable when I lose more weight. 35 isn't really that much in the grand scheme of things.

[Dooter 1,457]

I am still pre-op, and I've always had the opposite problem. I've been carrying this ever increasing mass of extra weight for 15 years. It took that long to really skyrocket, then level off for the last 6 or 7 years of it. When I look in the mirror, I still see the skinny, sexy me trying to peek out from this weird suit I'm stuck in. I feel like one of those people in a movie that's wearing a fat suit with the makeup and all- "GET ME OUTTA THIS THING!!! NOW!!!" I am so eager to see that person slowly reappear in the mirror!! I don't see "me" when I look in the mirror. I see a prisoner. Through the Lord's providence- Dr. Kim will set me free!!