Surgery Next Week!

[Joiebean 53]

My surgery is a week from Tuesday (January 17th). I'm really excited and nervous all at the same time. It feels so surreal still. I suppose it won't feel real until I'm actually in the hospital gown, in the bed. I'm really NOT looking forward to waking up in pain though. I'm sensitive to anesthesia and tend to throw up after general. Really nervous about that, and the pain that will go with it, cause it definitely engages your core. I'm hoping that the nurses and doctors can manage all that and I don't feel like absolute death after. But I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that will pass.

Today I am planning on organizing all of my clothes and getting my 'last week of fat clothes" all lined up, so that I don't have to fight with my wardrobe this week and then will be rid of it forever!! Woohoo. I have this favorite pair of jeans from college (well before low rise was the big thing...they are appropriate for a 30-something to wear) but I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT to fit back into them. They are a size 10 I think. It will be a 'glorious day in the neighborhood' the day I put those on and they fit. I will definitely be rocking them to work, even though they 'frown' upon jeans on anyday except Friday. God I am so happy that the last time I will have to wear my fat jeans to work on Friday will be this Friday.

I know I'm rambling, but this is the constant circle of thoughts that is going through my mind in anticipation of next week. whew.......

Fortunately most everyone is supportive. My brother is in the midst of cancer treatment (stage 3 melanoma) and so my family is really focused on that. My husband is being fantastic, even though he has never been overweight (he is 6'3 and had trouble GAINING weight...damn guy but I am fighting the feeling that I am stealing my brother's thunder. Every time I mention it to him I feel like he is thinking "why are we talking about you, when I have CANCER" and I'm definitely scared for him, but he still has really good treatment options and all of the surgery has taken the majority of it away. I'm actually so tired of worrying about everyone else (and we don't even have kids!) that I asked that no one visit me in the hospital. My mother was ex-communicated from the family when I was 17, so as the youngest and only female, I ended up playing the matriarch. Its a lot of responsibility and really exhausting, especially when they all expect you to care but then act like you are unbelievably bothersome. Especially when they never ask about me or my life and when I bring it up, they act like I'm self-centered. But then you can't choose your family right? My friends are all really supportive and there is a definite give and take with them (hence why they are my friends.) And since I am doing this surgery for me (and my husband sees how my role in my family is exhausting and totally understands) he supports my decision in asking everyone to NOT come to the hospital. I just want to be able to feel like crap and not have to worry about the others in the room. Fortunately they are all fine with it.

I'm just rambling, but it helps to get this stuff out beforehand. I'm sure a lot of you understand my spiraling thoughts