Hubby Is Being Rude....your Opinion Please

[Lisa821 29]

When I decided I wanted the vsg my hubby, who I love dearly, said "oh good now I will lose weight too". My jaw dropped. I wasn't even sure I heard what I thought I heard. So tryin not to be offended, I calmly asked him if my over eating is the reason he is overweight. (He's like 60# overweight) he said he eats when I eat so yeah it was the cause. After I had the sleeve he noticed how much more in volume he eats than I do and claimed he was having a food funeral cuz now he will start eating less. Tomorrow I will be 2 months postop, down 37 pounds and he hasn't lost a pound or changed anything about his eating. I brought it up and asked if he still agreed with his earlier hypothesis. He said he still agreed with his earlier thoughts and when I get "thin" he will care more and change his eating. I said well I'm not fat. Then he quickly said " you're not thin either". I was hurt by this and his cracked hypothesis. Please share your thoughts. You are my friends and possibly can talk me out of feeling bad. I just dropped below 200 and really want to return to that bliss. I'm 5'6" and 198. Maybe not thin but I don't think your hubby should say things like that. At minimum send me a big hug. Big hugs to you all!

[his2my2our4 120]

A BIG hug for you!!! I agree, his comments are hurtful. Hopefully he's just giving you a hard time and doesn't really know that he's being mean. All I know is this, holding on to excuses and blaming others for his weight will only hold him back. Until he let's go of the excuses, he will hold on to the weight, period. Don't let ANYONE diminish your hardwork and don't let anyone slow your progress down!! 37lbs is nothing to sneeze at my friend! :-) You're doing an amazing job and shame on him for not being the first to high five you!

[yecats 109]

I am not sleeved but it sounds to me like a statement I have made. It is something (another excuse) why one has not taken control of their own destiny and made a change. It is not your fault for he is fat. In less you hand tied him and shoved the food down his throat.

I also have a great wonderful luvable husband (who is naturally physically fit) who has gained a few pounds(very few!!!) and has made comments on how it is b/c of my eating habits, well that is a bunch of malarky. lol

I think they're ego is involved.lol Just my opinion.

[minaleigh 95]

To be honest, I don't think his intentioned statement is rude, just the way he said it. My friend said something similar, just with a bit more tact, lol. We were talking about eating habits, and I told him another friend wants me to help her start eating right, especially since she's pregnant, and how my roommate wanted to cut soda and fast food out of his diet. My friend told me that I was basically going to be the catalyst to our friends eating better. Maybe that's the sort of thinking your husband was going for?

When he did say, "well, you're not thin either," THAT was rude. He should be more careful with his answers and be more supportive. Maybe he's hoping that by changing his eating habits as well, it'll help you along on your journey. Hope everything turns out better and here's a virtual hug! :girl_hug:

[blackanese25 160]

lisa... HUGE LOSE-THE-FAT HUG!!!!!! LOL i don't care if its your husband, mother, grandma, uncle, cousin, or whoever.. PEOPLE MAKE EXCUSES BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES! plain and simple. It is not you never was and never will be... YOU have done something to better yourself and don't let anyone take that away from you.

what it seems like is before he could blame you and now he can't so he has to find an excuse to make up for the difference..Im sure he loves you and that maybe because he doesn't realize the things he is saying is really hurtful, so he just keeps on with it, or maybe he truely thinks what he is saying is right.

But one thing you can do is let him know that his words are affecting how you feel. also let him know that obviously if you are down 37 lbs and his weight hasn't budged that its physically and emotionally impossible that you were/are the cause. lol..

So don't be discouraged. AND KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK!

[Lisa821 29]

Thanks everyone. He actually said that I wasn't thin about 10 minutes before I created this thread. I agree that it was his excuse and now he's scrambling cuz that excuse is gone. I also agree that his ego is a big part of this. If he truly believes its MY eating that makes him fat, his ego is definately dinged. I do know I can't fix that for him, he has to work this issue out on his own. However, I can just focus on my own issues. I still have issues...lol...they become more obvious when I can't drown them with food.< /p>

[Formerly Fluffy 5]

I don't think it was intended as rude. And he probably actually believed the statement when he made it.

Congrats on your weight loss!

[UXgrrl 29]

People sometimes say stupid things. Men especially have a tendency to say some completely asinine comments with no recognition of how they might sound.

I agree with the points the others have made, about how his ego is involved and suddenly your weight loss success is forcing him to recognize that, no, he is just as responsible for his own weight problems as you were for yours.

The big difference here is that YOU quit blaming someone else and did something about it. He isn't at that point yet.

One of the many, many lessons I have learned on this journey is that, like quitting smoking or other addictions, people really have to be ready and prepared to make the change themselves. It doesn't sound like he's quite there yet. It's sad that he's trying to shoot you down because he's jealous; it's a natural, common reaction, but it still hurtful and I'm sorry you have to deal with that right now.

Maybe you'll be the inspiration or role model he needs to clean up his act. He is in control about what goes in his mouth, just like you are -- when he has that realization, he'll get on board with you. Showing him how you make healthier choices, how to turn down sweets or second helpings, be more active, might help him now.

I am constantly amazed at how our weight loss journeys have such a powerful effect on the people around us.

[Lisa821 29]

Yes how our weight loss journeys effect others is so facinating. I wonder if my hubbub fears I will leave him. We have been married for 1 1/2 yrs. We both have been married before but I think we are an excellent match. In fact, we met on match.com! He has been very supportive until these comments that, I think, are more focused at him. I'm not really sure how to handle it but I know I will bring it up to my therapist. I usually take things to heart and maybe I shouldn't in this case....then again I should stand up for what I believe in. I know I did not force any food down his throat. In fact, I think I might have mirrored his eating cuz i had gained 27 lbs since we moved in together. No, but really. My point is that there is no way to prove anything either way AND it doesn't matter cuz we each are responsible for what we stick in our mouths.

[Lisa821 29]

Yes how our weight loss journeys effect others is so facinating. I wonder if my hubbub fears I will leave him. We have been married for 1 1/2 yrs. We both have been married before but I think we are an excellent match. In fact, we met on match.com! He has been very supportive until these comments that, I think, are more focused at him. I'm not really sure how to handle it but I know I will bring it up to my therapist. I usually take things to heart and maybe I shouldn't in this case....then again I should stand up for what I believe in. I know I did not force any food down his throat. In fact, I think I might have mirrored his eating cuz i had gained 27 lbs since we moved in together. No, but really. My point is that there is no way to prove anything either way AND it doesn't matter cuz we each are responsible for what we stick in our mouths.

[Bypassjourney 88]

I know all too well about hearing comments like that from a husband. And there is nothing in the world that has hurt me more than him of all people to say something to belittle me about being overweight. I have been divorced for close to a year now. At first I convinced myself that my being overweight which led to low self esteem, not wanting to go anywhere and no energy to do anything was the reason for his unhappiness and ultimately the main factor in the end of our marriage. He too was overweight by around fifty pounds and he had diabetes, smoked and drank on top of that. But I have learned by God's grace and some wonderful friends and a dose of counseling that the number on the scales was not the problem. I had to quit blaming myself and realize that if I never lose another pound in my life that I am worthy of being treated with respect...period! I believe that although he said he wanted me to lose weight that he was actually happy that I was overweight. This gave him security because we were "two peas in a pod" and also gave him the excuse not to take action for himself and lose his weight.

Just as we read on these posts all the time, the people who have had success are the ones that realized that they are worth this and that they deserve to be free of hiding behind the extra weight. Not trying to make excuses for your husband's comment at all, but perhaps you can reassure yourself that he is just as insecure about his weight as you were and you can encourage him without actually coming out and saying "lets eat chicken and vegetables so you can lose weight". Point out his postive attributes more than you usually do in a subtle way such as "honey, that color shirt looks really good on you". Or reassure him in ways such as telling him how thankful you are that you have a husband that helps provide for the family and that has always supported you no matter what adventure you have taken in life. Everyone is right that his ego is hurting and his insecurities are showing through.

Above al, do not let his comment or actions take away from the accomplishments you have achieved. Sometimes we have to be our own cheerleader but we also have the support of this forum board with alot of people that have been there with you through it all.

I am just a few days away from getting the insurance approval and I am so ready for the new me! Part of me at first kept thinking I couldn't wait to lose the weight and be sure my ex husband sees me. But I have decided I could care less what he or anybody else thinks. I am doing this for ME!

Consider yourself hugged! :-)

[cscake 8]

Your plight is interesting. Our daughter had a gastric bypass about 8 years ago. Her starting weight was 300lbs and she was 5'4". Her weight came off pretty fast. What happened to her was that her husband became very critical of how she dressed. It was normal dressing for anyone that was a normal weight. However, it was a problem for him. What actually was happening is that this person who had been very large for all of their marriage (and most of her life) and was very self conscious was beginning to "bloom" during her weight loss. She became a very beautiful girl, very. She did not dress in any way that was inappropriate but I think that he was afraid of the changes he saw. All of this happened at about six months after her surgery. They, like many couple, had some pretty rough times. She wanted to "live" a little (never had) and he was worried about all of it. So, long story short, they both realized that they were the same people and everything was fine. So many couples find that what they are searching for is right there in front of their face. Then when a friend of hers had the surgery and went through the same thing she told her to wait for a few more months and everything would work out. Which it did. This surgery is about more than weight loss, it is about finding the person you really are. So, your husbands reaction is probably a combination of blaming someone else for his weight problem, worrying about the changes he sees in you and what you will do next. So, hang in there and don't let him or his reactions worry you. He was not responsible for your weight problem and you are not responsible for his. Once he realizes he is responsible for his own unhappiness, i.e., being overweight, and does something about it he will be fine.

I am sure that after you read this you will realize that I am a grandmother, and as everyone knows, we are the smartest people in the world. Full of great advice that we give whether we are asked to or not ! haha. If you don't believe it just ask our kids.

Good Luck and remember, You are a beautiful person inside and out.

[Suzannesh 376]

Hi,

He knew what he was saying, but honestly he is either jealous or scared right now and so that is why he said what he said to you. You are losing weight he is not. food is controlling him and he can't or won't control the food. It is difficult to MAKE someone else want to lose weight. It has to be their own idea. Until he is so sick and tired of being over weight and wants to change for himself, NOTHING is going to change.

So I suggest for you that you continue doing what is best for you. This is ALL ABOUT YOU and NO one else. Contine to eat healthy and exercise. Don't mention it anymore to him, even when you see him consume LARGE amounts of food. He is an emotional eater like so many of us were. For so many men they are fearful that they are going to lose you once your have lost the weight to someone else. Men will start looking at your different and that is his fear. He has many fears and he doesn't know how to communicate them to you. You can try to reassure him that this is not going to happen, but I am not sure he can actually "hear" what you are trying to tell him.

This honestly is his problem, and not yours. Try sitting down and telling him one last time how you feel. Tell him when he say's these kind of thing how it makes you feel. Don't put any blame on him, but just tell him what YOUR FEELINGS are when he says things like he said.

When he wants to lose weight then he will start it. We all morn the loss of food at one time, but we get past that. You have the "tool" to allow you to lose weight, he doesn't.

We are here to help you, and support you. Hang in and start doing what is BEST for you. Don't allow him to bring you down. You are doing a fantastic job, just keep going.

Hugs,

Suzanne

[thebionicbroad 127]

I agree with the good points made here. He was comfortable with life as it was. Now, with your continuing weight loss, his equilibrium has been upset, and there's bound to be some natural resentment. Strange as it might sound, it's not personal. He's scared.

[longer-life 139]

FIrst of all, a hig hug to you. You sound so sweet in your post.You have received wonderful advice.

I want to add that my husband is never insensitive about my weight UNLESS I mention his. lol He would most definitely tell me I am not thin , and he would be right, even if I was under 200 pounds. SOOO, since I started researching this surgery back in July, I decided not to say a thing about his obesity and sure enough, I noticed yesterday he is losing some weight. I suspect he will lose some more when I start walking 5Ks in the spring and summer. Your husband will probably do the same.......if you don't mention anything again.