Sad Day Today!

[Catracks 865]

I know EXACTLY where you are. My surgery is the 11th. Most of time time when I am not looking in a mirror, I don't obsess over the way I look. Show me a mirror and I am in shock over how huge and bloated i am. I'm sorry, but it's almost freakish. I am so terrified about getting into situation or meeting new people that I don't go out to very many get-togethers. There is this Christmas party given by my husband's friend in a swanky part of Los Angeles. I know it's small of me, but everyone there is dressed to kill and gorgeous. It's not even my scene if skinny, but looking this way .... NO WAY!

I am also down to squeezing into 2 pair of pants. I cannot bear to buy a size up from an 18.

Don't worry. You've got it right. Just focus on what you have to do.

[Catracks 865]

Also, If you can take a compliment: I've seen your posts before and your picture with them. You are very pretty. So there!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

i went with my bestfriend shopping today. she has an amazing body!!! we went to a store that I CANT FRIGGIN WAIT TO SHOP IN!!!! as i helped her try on a million and one sexy dresses for her birthday party tomorrow at a club, i couldnt help but be sooooooooo jealous!

i kept looking in the mirror at myself & i swear, i saw flaws that ive never noticed before. i mean damn, the things i was saying about myself in my head were so mean & cruel. id knock someones head off their shoulders if they ever said to me what i was saying to myself! im more worst critic.

at this point, tuesday isnt coming fast enough! i just want to be sleeved & begin my journey in going back to a size where i felt sexy!

tomorrows my bestfriends birthday party & shes so upset that im not going but the truth is, i cant wear heels because im too big to balance myself on a heel & it kills my feet & back! & i wouldnt dare put on a sexy dress & i only have 1 pair of jeans that fit me! while shes all cute & thin but curvy, im big, round & just not cute. i could never tell her this because she would just roll her eyes to the back of her head & say "soooooo what!" or "no your not!" but i know i am & its not so what! theres nothing that i hate more than when i express my feelings to someone & they dismiss them! smh! what pisses me off also is she always ALWAYS calls herself fat. if youre fat, WDF AM I??? i literally threatened her today & cursed her out and told her to STFU!!! my insecurities were sitting up on mars some where. smh!

thanks for reading my story, i needed to get that out!

Jasleeve, you're feeling everything I used to feel... today that is no more. I want to tell you though, in no way is it because I've lost the weight. Nope.. I don't feel this way about myself anymore simply because I refuse to. Losing weight doesn't automatically get rid of the negative self talk and bad self image. Only YOU can do that.

You have to believe you are a beautiful person inside and out, no matter what your size. Your best friend thinks this is true, so why don't you? True success doesn't only equal hitting your target weight. It will also include learning to love and accept yourself exactly for who you are.

Blessings.