miserable and need support

[kimmason 0]

Hi fellow Canucks

You have helped me make a huge decision and it is bigger than i thought. i booked my surgery aftre reading from all of you ,and although i checked out the other chats , it was with the canadians who were supportive, compassionate, and I just felt were with me all the way. I am supposed to start my two week cottage cheese/yogurt eating wednesday and I am getting scared. I just came back from a movie where i stuffed in a huge box of popcorn and a double whopper with cheese........damn, am i going to be able to do this??? I also realize that this relationship that I have struggled with now for some time, that of all times..but I am not gettiing support here and as much as I loved this person, i am tired of feeling hurt and dealing with someone who seems so apathetic , great timing to end it huh?. I have never put myself first, I mean it has always been, making my parents happy, but failing cuz i couldn't please us both, trying with my ex husband and realizing I married the wrong person and sticking in there for 12 yrs and eating myself into a coma, then losing good friends to cancer ( four in two years) and three relationships in 14 years that have gone the way of the dodo including this one where I don't know what to do and I can't

let things just go, even if they are bad for me. I am scared, I am soo scared of this, but I feel I have no choice and I have to get through it, I mean what else is there for me?? obesity has come calling now since I am 23 and with three kids and more and more weight ..I have doubled my weight and don't feel like me anymore, but somehow that was never incentive enough for me to lose it, WHY????? I hate it and it can kill me.

I guess that I will have to do this on my own and don't know how soon after I can drive etc cuz i don't want to have to ask my folks to look after me, I mean I HAVE MADE this choice and I have to see it through. I am sorry that I am bitching here, but I have no one else who knows or who will understand but god I am scared. How can i stick with this food diet thing for two weeks before and 4 weeks after if I can't stick to a diet now???

I have him in my house, the tension here is unbearable, and here i am pathetically drinking ( i usually don't , so not another vice) and I am here in my basement on line to people I don't know. Man, I dont know how I got here and I don't know if I will ever get out.

I am to be banded august 10th I guess if I don't chicken out.

Please anyone help me, how does one get through this, a relationship that is dead and look after oneself and how soon?

I would appreciate ANY advice and geeze I sound like I am 16...nope in my forties!

thanks

KIm

[DonnaB 3]

Oh, poor Kim!

I'm sorry things are feeling so overwhelming for you right now. I really can't offer you any help other than to say you'll be alright. You'll make it through this and when you do, you can look everyone in the eye and say you beat the odds against obesity and you did it for yourself ALL BY YOURSELF! What a victory! You're raising, or have raised, three kids - you can do anything Wonderwoman!

Hang in there - help is on the way.

[Buffie 1]

Kim, I'm only recently banded but can tell you that so far it was the right choice. It sounds like you NEED to start taking care of yourself FIRST, and this surgery will help you to get on your way. I have 2 kids, a 22 month old and a 6 year old, and my life is so hectic and utterly devoted to those kids that I was drowning in my own fat. I had no other choice than to go through with the surgery, there were no other options left for me. Get the surgery and start thinking about yourself, you're worth it. And of course we all know, HAPPY MOM, HAPPY KIDS. Go for it.

[kimmason 0]

well to continue I have three sons but they are older and do not need me liek they used to. Oldest two on their own and this year youngest wants to be in the big smoke so he is with his dad..so just me in the basement while the one ( BF)who ignores me sits upstairs watching tv. Yes i have tried talking til I am blue in the face but I can see,he shuts me out as I get that glazed look in his eyes.

Can I do this? Do you need support and someone to help and drive etc. I have three dogs too so I will need to be there for them. I am feeling really miserable,honest to god, and why must I eat yogurt and cottage cheese?? How will that help my liver, I don't understand, boy I can see that I will feel more yucky as far as mood when I do that. I am supposed to have a b day party for my mom and son on the 7th of aug,,just three days before i get banded, how the heck am I going to pull that off and just eat cottage frigging cheese? ??

I must apologize to you all for sounding so down. I have read you guys now everyday and I feel like you get to know someone, I mean mandy aka ARGon is hilarious, Yoda is the wise sage, there's cloe and the list goes on and on, man I feel like I am looking through the romper room mirror.. Anyway apologies!

[kimmason 0]

oh hey sorry, Buffie and Donna thankyou for reading and letting me vent

[Yoda 0]

Deeep breaths Kim...Deeeep breaths.

You'll be okay. First of all, to address your questions re. the yogurt/cottage cheese diet. I swear, if I can do it, you can do it! I can't even stand the site of cottage cheese, so my diet was yougurt, yougurt and oh yeah...more yougurt! You have to do it for your liver. It shrinks the liver....and this makes the surgery easier for the surgeons (and therefore safer for you!!). Why? Because the liver sort of sits over on top of the top part of the stomach and it has to be "pulled" away and pinned back during the surgery. If it is smaller, it is less in the way and sooooo much easier for the surgeons to see and move those teeny tiny tools around in there. To be honest, I can't stick to a diet either (hellooooo!!) but I was able to do this for 2 weeks because I knew that my safety was involved. HEY....and the bonus is that I lost 17 lbs in two weeks. The other (unexpected) bonus was that, unlike my friend (who was a smaller weight/bmi and so didn't need to do the pre-op diet) I was waaaaaay more prepared for eating less afterwards....whereas she wasn't. So, it is good on all fronts.

As for the "will I be able to do this"? In terms of driving and taking care of dogs etc. Well, obviously you need to have someone go with you to TLBC and bring you home!!! You can't drive yourself home. But, certainly the next day or the one after you will be able to drive. It will be hard getting in and out of the car (ie. hard sitting down and getting back up) but it is doable. Just don't over do it if you don't have to.

As for the relationship thing....yah, we've all been there and done that to some extent. Bottom line is that you have to do what is right for YOU. Sure, the timing sucks...but is there ever a right time? Not really. Sounds like your kids are old enough to understand (though they won't admit it)...and one day they will know you did the best thing. I'm not saying end your relationship (I don't know you or your circumstances)....I'm only saying that after some soul searching I am sure you know the best thing to do for you and for your spirit. And....yah, it will hurt and your heart will feel ripped out (even if it is something YOU want) but you'll feel better over time. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy and to pursue that happiness even if it means short term ache.

Good luck...keep your chin up and go buy lottsa lottsa lottsa yougurt and cottage cheese!!!

You CAN DO THIS!

[kimmason 0]

Yoda...another day...I woke up early to find his highness sleeping on the couch, well we don't sleep together anymore. I go to bed and find him on the couch or on another bed and then of course I think, well he no longer finds me attractive ,and then I feel great again about me of course. After i fed the dogs , I stumbled downstairs to my lair where the computer is and found your message to me...... and cried!

Thankyou for your lovely email. I have only today to eat like a pig....is that normal to want to stuff in everything before the famine part? I am walking on tenderhooks here with this relationship or lack thereof and I have to mindset to me and let this go. Yeah I am scared re sticking to this cottage cheese yogurt thing, and is this 14 day pre op diet only for pts that are what? WAyy over weight or does everyone do it? I don;t even have a scale so I guess today i should buy one, and stand on it and be sick at what i am and then hopefuly feel better as time progresses:clap2: .

I am grateful that i found this website and yoda ( no idea what your name is) thankyou and gald to know thatyou were banded by Joffe/Yau too as it was starting to look like everyone was banded by Coburn. I heard lots about Joffe before when i worked in radio that he was the guy, and so I feel assured that if I was going to do it, he's the man so here I am, 16,000 poorer, a relationship on the skids, and depressed as heck....I just hope this is anew beginning. Of course my mom chimes in, this will not change your life or make you happy( she being perfectly 130 lbs forever)......no, I think wrong, My weight has changed my life, made me reclusive, kept me away from so many things in life I couldn';t do or was afraid to do and i think that this will not solve the problems of the world etc..but it's a start, for me.

[fatmikeslim 1]

Just a word of i have been there . 1st i drove from houston texas to laredo (350 miles) and from laredo to MONTEREY on a bus , By myself. Then the next morning i had the surgury ,by myself.then after the surgury (2 hours) i got up and got dressed completely dressed sock, shoes and underwear. by myself .the next morning i was released to go back to the hotel , i caught a bus and rode from MONTEREY to laredo and got back in my car (30 hours after my surgury)and drove from laredo to houston (5 1/2 hours ) by myself , so you definetly could make do with your situation i promiss. Now if anyone ever talks $h!T about me not having will power i could tell them where to put it .after i got home (everyone told me that they would help me )i was ALONE all by myself yet i am here typing this message for you . I never thought i had that much strength . but i do .and now that i am getting thinner and better , i really can look back and say I didnt want any help ............

[kimmason 0]

Mike

wow you have tenacity......only reserved I thought for us moody cancerians!When did you have your surgery and how much did you weigh? I am stirred by your words and on one hand I think great, perhaps I can do this by myself, but on the other I guess i feel completly alone. I told my family at my b day dinner that i was thinking of having it. My mom and brother are against it, but my brother lost a friend to gastric bypass, i told them i was thinking about it...,my stepfather stayed silent. I then two weeks later wrote them e mail and told them I was going to have it. My mother is okay but of course not convinced and my brother has not breathed a word to me but I know he does not support it. I am living with someone ,but really who am i kidding, I am alone and think there is nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship. I feel like a failure that i let myself get up to this weight and then again, does anyone else feel like this, I feel like I almost live outside my body. I mean my mom freaks if she gains five pounds and will then cut back or diet, me ,....well I never think I knew or felt what I weighed which is over 300 lbs and honestly for a fat person I was in pretty good health although in the last year i am starting with the joints etc.

So although I am inspired by you and I guess now know I can do this, I feel alone and lonely. I mean yes you guys are all out here and give each other and now me support, but really does anyone here rewlly know each other? If someone didn't write for days, how would anyone know what happened to them? We are all just words here on a computer and I guess maybe that is just me and living in a cave right now. Boy I gotta try and perk up if I am going to get though this. Well today is my last day so I better get out and grab food, scales, other errands and then buckle down and DO IT!

[Yoda 0]

....yup, the Force is with you Kim....it is whatever you want it to be. Your positive outlook, inner spirit/strength, religion...whatever you chose.

Your brother is probably just scared for you due to having lost a friend to the bypass. He likely doesn't understand that this is a very different surgery. Perhaps you should talk to him and thoroughly explain it to him...he may then be a source of support to you. It's a shame if your supposed "support network" can't be there for you (emotionally) but even if you are literally alone in that aspect...s'okay...you can still do it. It is (in a sense) a life saving decision you are making for yourself. What better gift can you give to yourself?

I agree....there is nothing worse than feeling "alone" when you are involved with someone. It is much better to be "without" someone (ie. single) and be happy than to be with someone and be unhappy and lonely. I've never understood why some women (and men) believe it is better to be with the wrong person than to be alone. Follow your heart. Been there, done that and was then "alone" for awhile. But now I've been married to an incredibly wonderful individual for almost 5 yrs and every day I'm more deleriously happy with him than I was the day before. I had no clue "it" could be this amazing and incredible and I know how fortunate I am to have found him (& him me!!). But that road took some heartache moments...as with everyone I'm sure. Worth it in the end though.

You are correct...except for those who have met in real time and have developed friendships "offline" as well as "online", most of us here are just ppl on a computer. But it doesn't make it any less meaningful...the support, encouragement, sharing, and motivation is still all real. So, take what you can and just don't question it too much. The online freaks eventually go away and you can normally see through the "fakes" (not that I've noticed many on here anyways). I guess I'm saying take the support from where you can and if it is this site...so be it...!!

Get your arse out there today and buy a scale so that you have a starting point. But try TRY TRY to only measure once a week or you will drive yourself insane! Also, get a measuring tape and take your measurements (chest, wasit, hips, thigh, calf, bicep).....take those once a month and you will see the inches drop off. It is a good motivator even when the lbs aren't going down. AND, finally, take a photo (front, rear and side views) of yourself and take them once a month as well (ie. when you measure). It helps if you can "track" and "see" your progress. Do some tables.

Yes, it is normal to want to "pig out" your last day. Don't make yourself sick though! Just eat some foods that you like. Don't think of it as your last time....it isn't. You can have those foods again but not for several weeks....and then only smaller amounts. So try not to mourn it. (easier said than done)

By the way, I'm a cancer too!! hehe.

So....good luck....stay focussed and think positive. And, don't let anyone sabotage you....least of all, yourself. If you DO mess up a bit during the pre-op diet.....get back on track. Just keep telling yourself it is for your safety. Be prepared, the first 4 days will be HARD.....you will go thro carb withdrawal....literally...but be persistent...once you get thru that it will be easier. Promise.

[Yoda 0]

Mike = congrats on being so strong...bottom line is that the one person we KNOW we can count on will always be ourselves. GREAT job!

[Scribby 0]

Hey Kimmason! I am being banded on the 9th! You need to join the August band crew!! Were all venting about the preo op diets, eating everything in site and how excited/scared we are!! At least you get yougurt! I get only low carb Clear liquids..boo!

Its normal to mourn the loss of not only a bad relationship with a man, but also with food. You have used food for support when the man in your life wasnt there for you. Its scary for all of us who have either used food for comfort, to Celebrate, to reconnect with friends or just because we like to eat. Its big changes and I can see where adding another would be extra scary! Its ok to be afraid, but its not ok for someone to neglect you. Put on the big britches and tell yourself that you are ridding yourself off everything that has weighed you down, including that sack on the couch. Its your year and anyone who is not ok with the choices you have made can learn to deal with it.

Come on girl! We have all been there done that. I left an abusive relationship after 5 years without a dollar in my pocket and that day I learned what independence felt like for the first time. Now I have one more abusive realtionship to get rid of and thats food. Well, August 9th, I'm putting on the big britches (with elastic of course..hehe) and saying goodbye to something thats killing me from the inside out, just like that man I walked out on.

Angie

[CLOE 0]

Good Morning Kim,

First of all your not just bitchen, that why we are all here, FOR EACH OTHER. When I decided to go thru with surgery I can't believe that Burger King didn't run out of food! I stuffed like I never stuffed before, it was horrible, just with the anticipation. I had to do 3 weeks of liquid diet for Dr. Cobourn. I honestly didnt think I could do it. BUT I DID! And you can too. When you only have an "X" amount of days to do it, you can, honestly. As far as the man goes, I always hesitate to give advice, but he'll either be there for you or he won't. Maybe the way you are feeling right now is not "so bad" if it gets you to the other side. Instead of focusing at your situation now, why not picture yourself a year from now after being banded, lost a WHOLE LOTTA WEIGHT, and who knows what else. It's totally normal to be scared before surgery, we ALL were. But were here to tell ya, it will be okay, YOUR GONNA BE GREAT. Hang in there Kim! Keep in touch!

[kimmason 0]

Yoda god are you a wise sage or what....and to think you are a cancer..that must be it huh? You hit the nail onthe head and man did I get emotional when i read what you wrote, I swear I am holding on to everything you said to me and then scribby and cloe wow. I feel cared for and although this is the net and perhaps not real in one sense it is VERY real to me and the only support I really have. The funny thing is, I know my family love me but we don't always show it and I will not tell my kids how scared I am, I dont want them to worry. My brother well he isn't the talkative type and where before i spent my life worried about what people thought and tried to please everyone, I am just going to let it be for now. I know he cares and I told him why and how my life has been and I am not doing this for him or rather not going to do this for him, I have to no matter what happens do this for me and that is most likely the best present I can give to myself or anyone I love, ME first for a change. Funny how I have known loads of people worked on air on radio and have loads of aquaintences, but this is my battle and I onky share this with you, those that have walked the walk or going to and I barely know you but I feel close. I am not young anymore,, yup 40's now and although I feel young in some ways I have already lived a life with one marriage, some relationships since etc.. I walked out of my marriage with nothing but my dignity afte I was in Somalia during the civil war volunteering as a nurse. That experience changed my life and I realized how blessed we are.. so I left my marriage and still felt with little that i had my sanity and more than many , so I can't complain. I had three relationships post marriage where this sounds stupid, but learned more about life and sex than I did when I was married. AS for this reltionship, I am saddened most for that as he was "the one" and I am convinced but I pushed him away over a year ago with my insecurities etc and he hasn't come back emotionally ,anyway, so I am no victim, and I only have me to blame and I have now tried to prove myself for over a year but nothing, so I hang in and wait for him to wake up...and it won't happen ,while I go see as shrink to sort all of this out with eating etc, childhood stuff etc.. oddly enough Dr Harville Hendrixes books are consoling too right now and explains quite well how and where we got messed up as kids and how we pay for it and make our partners pay for it. Inspired enough that I am going to pursue it and become a marriage councillor...yup, don't laugh. I am good for other people and can save their life, deliver their babies etc.. just was not good for myself.

If I could hug you all and have your words daily to see me through then I will be okay I hope.Anyway I only have today to go with food, so I have only eaten one chicken korma meal from presidents choice and I have some errands to run and then I think the MANDARIN has my name written on it for dinner. Yoda, happy birthday by the way.I am July 4th, and that is truly the reason for the fireworks!

[kimmason 0]

P.S How the heck do you guys do the strip with how many days to go and then the one with your starting weight, pre op weight etc,,how do you get that graph thingy?? Inquring minds want to know!