Friends & Family

[Jeanie Sleevy 3]

I'm having surgery Dec. 15th. I told my best friend of 20+ yrs. about my upcoming WLS surgery She is not supportive at all. She feels that I should be able to cut calories, exercise & lose the weight on my own. She has asked me for yrs. if I eat right & I told her for yrs. I do. Now she is saying I was not forthcoming with her about my eating habits. I tried to explain that I eat pretty healthy BUT I do overeat at times. I also explained being insulin resistant & having high cortisol at times has made it very difficult to lose weight & keep it off. She told me she's not buying it. I either eat bad or have an endocrine issue, it's one or the other. This is only part of our conversation! I felt drilled & judged. I truly understand her worries, I'm worried too! but an hour long phone call drilling me about this choice is a little too much for me to handle right now. I have gone to 4 seminars about WLS I have researched the **** out of it, I have taken the damn high cortisol into consideration when I made this WLS choice but why should I have to defend myself!? it's my choice! I feel like I'm damned if I do I'm damned if I don't! This conversation has turned me off to telling anyone else about my upcoming surgery! The only people I have told is my parents. Any advice would be great. Did you guys tell your friends & family before your WLS?

[OnaLark999 5]

I'm truly sorry that your friend of 20+ years isn't supportive of you and your decision. The only person that I've told is my husband. He's attended dr. visits with me. He's VERY supportive. It's most helpful for me to have one person that loves me and that I trust to discuss this huge decision with. I have discussed everything with him: my fears, anxiety, shame, etc.

Hopefully, your friend will have some time to process the information you shared with her and begin to support you. You are an adult woman that can make your own informed decisions. You do not have to justify your decision to her. Only to yourself. Perhaps you can invite her to join you at one of your clinic visits so that she can learn how to better support you. If she cannot support your decision (I hate to say this...) but just how good of a friend is she being to you? (sorry if that stings)

I know that some people on this forum are able to sing to the rafters the news of their decision to have WLS. I respect that in them. I will not tell anyone else until after the surgery - if then. I will need to be off work but I will only say that I'm taking vacation. I may feel differently after surgery about sharing my decision to have WLS but for now, I'm keeping my decision to myself.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

For me, I only told anyone who had a real interest in my life or death and I think 2 very close friends. That was it. I just wanted to do this journey on my own without the scrutiny that comes with WLS. I didn't want all eyes on me, folks wondering how much I've lost or my eating habits... or any of that. It was none of their business, but that's just me and my point of view.

If anyone wants to tell everyone, great. If not, well great too. The negative stories are bound to come up eventually if you tell enough people. You just have to be strong enough to ignore these because in the end, no one has to live in your skin but you.

I get though your hurt because this is someone you entrusted. I totally get that. I also told 2 of my closest friends and I would've been really hurt if they responded like this. I'm thankful they didn't, but I can imagine it's painful when it does happen. All I can offer are hugs hon, and just come get your support from here. Besides, no one better knows us than US. I'm hopeful too that when she sees how amazing your results will be, she will then get on board and admit you did the right thing.

[PdxMan 4,292]

I told one friend and basically got the same response. After that, I told noone but my family, and that wasn't until a week before the procedure. And then, it was just to inform them. "By the way, I just wanted to let you know I am having a WLS procedure Friday, so I'll be down for a bit." And that was the end of the conversation. They have been very all throughout, but I didn't want to risk having weeks of questions prior. I just let them know I researched it and this is what I was going to do. Since the procedure, I have only told a few friends and that is mainly because they noticed my weight loss and are quite obese.

I don't think you have to tell anyone about it. Even family if you don't want to.

[longer-life 139]

I value friendship, family and honesty VERY much, but I wouldn't tolerate being drilled for an hour by anyone. That to me is the problem, you didn't place any boundaries. I had a friend panic when I told her but we talked it over and she respected my decision. I also respected her for loving me enough to worry. I have no regrets telling people. I hope you don't miss out on a lot of support because of her reaction. Having said that, do what feels right to you.

[shellnsons 7]

I only told my hubby that's it...and don't regret it one bit

[Jeanie Sleevy 3]

Thank you all for the awesome replies! long-lifer, your statement really hit home with me. I too "value friendship, family and honesty VERY much" I feel very guilty not talking with my friends & family about my upcoming surgery but unfortunately I have not set up enough boundaries in my relationships so my friends & family often give unsolicited advice. I have been way too passive throughout the yrs. Hopefully with this WL journey I can build more self confidence & find my voice with my friends & family. Thanks again for all the great replies!

[Paola 62]

I believe that if you both have been friends for so long she will eventually come around. People will always react differently, we just have to remember that we are doing this for us, for a healthier us. In my case it was the other way around, I was actually the last one to want the surgery, all my family wanted me to do it before I wanted to do it.

[longer-life 139]

Thank you all for the awesome replies! long-lifer, your statement really hit home with me. I too "value friendship, family and honesty VERY much" I feel very guilty not talking with my friends & family about my upcoming surgery but unfortunately I have not set up enough boundaries in my relationships so my friends & family often give unsolicited advice. I have been way too passive throughout the yrs. Hopefully with this WL journey I can build more self confidence & find my voice with my friends & family. Thanks again for all the great replies!

I am so glad you took my comments the right way. I say these things and then worry I might be offending others. I do think you will find your voice!!!!!

[christin 54]

I was very hesitant to share my surgery with anyone, but I chose my two closest friends and my teenage daughter and decided to tell each of them and was so relieved that they were very supportive. It really made me want to tell my father, but I know him and he would drill me in the same way and I already know that I can't deal with that negativity right now. I am confident in my decision and I will tell my father at some point when he cannot argue with the results.

I am very sorry that you had to experience that with your friend. I am sure you will fix that with her eventually and she will feel bad for approaching you that way. I think you should send her a message and let her know that you appreciate her concerns, but that your well researched decision is made and you hope that she will support you as a friend even if she disagrees with your choice.

People are so rude sometimes. It really baffles me.

[Lissa 2,631]

I like Christin's response. My hubby actually told me that I'd lose weight if I'd "just eat less". I told him that he doesn't have a say. My other friends and family have been very supportive, but I do feel somewhat like I'm under a microscope. The ladies in my family are all "voluptuous". My Granny used to call us her "Mack Truck Girls", cause we're all big and loud. So, my cousins and aunts are watching my results to see if they want to do WLS too.

A couple of people have told me the horror stories, and I've seen one with my own eyes. My best friend's sister in law had WLS several years ago and, since she's non compliant with diet and exercise, ends up in the hospital about every 3 months with malnutrition and dehyrdration.

Of course, we've all seen the horror stories of people who didn't have WLS and died from complications of obesity. You just never hear of people telling those stories to us when we're gaining our weight.

If I do get a negative response, I just reply with something along the lines of "It was surgery or die for me". That shuts most of them up, and those who persist are definitely not the people I want to depend on for support. They are NOT on my cheerleading squad like the people I find here always are!!