Cheating..No, not with food!

[babsintx3 0]

Hi,

I have not posted here in eons, but I took a half hour to read 14 pages of this and feel entitled to an opinion. I am so surprised at the statistics because they can't be accurate. First off, people who have cheated probably dont really want to air their dirty laundry anyway here on this site. That being said, the ones that said they never cheated or that their spouses never cheated can only be sure about themselves.

I feel pretty confident that my husband has never cheated on me, but will I say this with absolute certainty???? No, I would be stupid to beleive that this isnt possible. Despite my trust in him and the fact that he is a loyal partner and great Dad and almost NEVER goes out alone where he could ever have the chance to be with another and despite the fact that he can be reached at work whenever I call, if someone wants to cheat, they will find a time and place to do it. Just because someone is married for a long time doesnt mean that they have a stable relationship. My husbands parents were married for 42 years and I know for a fact that my FIL cheated at least one time.

I agree with Chameleon. People can be naive and all people want to believe the best of others especially to believe the best in their partners. But there are so many circumstances that change the dynamic of a relationship. A good friend of mine (who is male) told me that I should stay with my husband despite all the problems we are having because he loves me so much and is LOYAL. We have children and because he doesnt cheat, he is a good father and he loves me I should stay in a relationship where there is no longer physical chemistry just because there probably isnt anything better out there for me. I dont want to be a victim of would have, could have, should have and I dont want to live a life of dual exceptionality like many others do.

I am not saying that people are lying here, I just think the ones that are so vehement about their relationships being faithful in a world where monogamy is a curious thing are living in a plastic bubble.

Babs in TX

334/180 ish

-150 ish

[kittylover 1]

I truly believe that internet online chatting with the opposite sex in any sexual way is considered cheating.

I agree. I think anything you do with someone who is not your partner in any sexual way weather it is online, phone, one on one, etc is cheating.

[kittylover 1]

Good definition, Kim! I agree with you but take it a little further -- I don't believe spouses should be turned on physically by someone other than their spouse -- so nothing from flirting to porn! I'm a little extreme and don't subscribe to the "I can look but I can't touch" philosophy.

I think it makes you closer with your partner when you don't have all that other junk in the way anyhow. I don't believe in the porn thing either or the I can look but not touch. I don't do it and I wouldn't expect my SO to.

[kittylover 1]

Ladies.

Men usually cheat because the opportunity arises and also because they are not getting what they want from home! Men , like women like to know they still have what it takes to attract the opposite sex. Men do not want another relationship if they are married. They just want some fun!!!

I don't think you can blame cheating on not getting what you need from home. Women cheat as well. There are many different reasons for people cheating. Some people are going through rough relationships, some have mental problems and can't help it, it can be anything. I don't agree with cheating either way. If it is going to come to cheating, they should get out of the relationship first.

[kittylover 1]

I’ve been reading this thread for a while now but haven’t had time to respond in depth. I do want to say as a preface that my thoughts on this matter are from my personal experience and viewpoints only, so they won’t necessarily apply to everyone. I also don’t want to imply that my views are necessarily right for anyone else.

OK, sorry for the novel but here goes!

I know, 100%, without a doubt, that my dh hasn’t cheated on me. He is a man of integrity and would never lie to me, especially about something that important. When I discussed the things some people on this board had said with him last night, he said he thought if someone cheated on their spouse it would be the same as “taking a gun and shooting your beloved in the head”. Any man who calls his spouse his beloved, and says it in all seriousness, isn’t cheating. I have also seen him very deliberately turning his head away from a television show or ad with a woman with her boobs hanging out of her shirt, even more so with such a woman in person. He refuses to watch television shows where the plot centers around unfaithfulness. These are not easy things for him. He is careful to protect himself from outside interferences that might distract him from me and our marriage, and in doing so he protects our marriage. I am indeed a very blessed woman. I am not so stupid as to think cheating could never, ever happen to me (or by me, for that matter!); in contrast, I am smart enough, as is my dh, to recognize that it is all too easy and therefore important to guard against it.

From my personal experience, I don’t believe faith and religion are causally responsible for the lack of or presence of unfaithfulness. All human beings, regardless of their faith, are susceptible to temptation. Some Christians live in a bubble and think that because of their chosen faith, they are immune to infidelity. This is simply not the case and is actually in direct contrast to what the Bible says about temptation. I have known too many Christians who think that they’re immune and therefore don’t put up the barriers that you need to in personal life and relationships, and end up succumbing to temptations that they could have easily avoided had they been more careful or knowledgeable about the pitfalls.

I think the reason people tend to view marriages among people of faith to be more solid is because the marriage vows are professed not only to each other, but also to God. My dh performs wedding ceremonies pretty much every weekend (we have an officiating business) and he sees everything from the standard “till death do us part” vows to “until we no longer love each other.” As a group, people of faith tend to view as more serious the professions and vows that are taken to each other and to God. They feel that when the vows include God, they are more likely to be adhered to. It seems like vows that are taken “until we no longer love each other” reflect a lack of personal commitment.

Personally, I think holding any couples’ vows in higher esteem because they are sanctified by God disregards the fact that we are all fallible human beings. The statistics for divorce are the same in non-religious communities as they are in religious communities.

On another note, I personally DO believe that the use of porn in any form undermines a marriage. My question to any user of porn would be: what purpose does it serve? Does it endear you to your spouse? Does the body you’re viewing make you think of your spouse – or someone else? Does it make you think of your spouse when making love? Does it make you value your spouse’s body – or compare that body to the airbrushed body of an inanimate object? How does it serve a positive purpose in the marriage? I personally believe porn is a major cause of infidelity. It encourages sexual feelings which are not connected to, caused by, or in any way related to one’s spouse.

Being overweight, I’m sure we have all heard or read that we link food with activities in our minds. Behavior modification is important to weight loss. If you always snack while watching television, or if you always hit the refrigerator when you come home from work, you associate those activities with food. Sex is the same way. If you always imagine Brad Pitt when your husband is making love to you, or if you always sneak into the bathroom to look at Playboy before you make love to your wife, you are conditioning your brain to require Brad Pitt or Playboy to have a sexual response. It starts slowly and seems harmless, but for many people it can be so addicting that it takes on a life of its own. It can destroy the porn-viewing spouse’s ability to maintain pure feelings of love for the other spouse, and it can be incredibly destructive to the non-porn-viewing spouse’s self esteem.

There is such a thing as a sex addict. But sex addicts make choices about how to behave on a daily basis. Just like food addicts do. Barring neurological issues, there is not one person here who could claim that it wasn’t in large part our poor food choices that made us fat. We just didn’t put restrictions in place that would curtail the caloric intake. We are banded (or en route to being banded) to put an artificial restriction on our eating. Sex addicts can take steps to put an artificial restriction on the behaviors that lead them to cheat. It’s not easy, but it can be done.

My dh and I have counseled many couples, all professed Christians, having problems in their relationships. In many of the cases, there was cheating (or had been in the past) on one or both sides. Because some of these spouses had had a taste of sweeter fruit – and what fruit isn’t sweeter when it’s fresh? – they did not want to devote any more time or energy to the marriage. This “grass is always greener” syndrome is the cause of the demise of many marriages. Better to toss what you have away and start fresh, they think, then actually dig your heels in and work on what you have (bearing in mind that it is, of course, impossible to work on what you have unless both parties are interested in doing this work).

To those of you who have been cheated on, my heart goes out to you. It is devastating to find out that your spouse perceives you are not meeting his/her needs in one way or another.

To those of you who are in unhappy marriages, let me say that all is not lost. There are ways to rekindle the romance and rediscover the love you once had. Love is not a feeling – it is a decision. You, in conjunction with your spouse, can decide to make your marriage better in a number of different ways. I strongly suggest you seek counseling together or even alone to determine what you can do to make changes. That being said, choose your counsel wisely. I have seen many a marriage screwed up because of bad counsel. Marriage can be wonderful and fulfilling and is well worth the fight. I say this with even more emphasis when there are children involved. All studies show that children in “unhappy” marriages are better off than children of divorced parents (barring, of course, abuse and the like).

To all women, please don’t let the claims of “all men cheat” or “all men would cheat given the opportunity” discourage you. It is simply not true. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is YOUR marriage. If your spouse is cheating, it’s 100% for you. And if he isn’t, it’s 0% for you. Know that this is an issue you must tackle in this day and age; it is something you should discuss with your spouse, and it is something you should take measures to protect against.

Let me reiterate I did not write the above to judge or condemn anyone who lives differently than I. I believe that everyone has the right to do what they want with their own lives and while I hold very dear the sanctity of marriage, I know that the choices people make are their own. I am very, very blessed to have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage, both emotionally and physically. But I also have a very clear understanding that for many this is not the case.

OK, I’m stepping off my soapbox now.

Are you in my brain or something? lol All of your thoughts are exactly what I feel about each situation you commented on.

[kittylover 1]

I enjoy playing devil's advocate. Makes for interesting conversation for all who can handle it.

That is nice you like playing Devil's Advocate and all but all it is doing is causing a ruckus.

[lisah25 3]

That is nice you like playing Devil's Advocate and all but all it is doing is causing a ruckus.

I don't know, I tend to like those who play Devil's Advocate. Makes me really think about my position and beliefs.

[foodstampchamp 3]

That is nice you like playing Devil's Advocate and all but all it is doing is causing a ruckus.

Well if it is causing a "ruckus" with certain people and really bothering them. Maybe they should be asking themselves WHY it is bothering them so much. Come on, we are all adults here. How hard is it NOT to click on something you DONT want to read?

[PattiCakes 0]

I too was married to a wonderful man with high integrity for 17 years, we got married when I was 18 and he was 21 (NO, I was not pregnant! lol). Four years ago he chose Christmas day to tell me that he had met someone and wanted a divorce. I never saw it coming. How could I have known that he was anything but faithful? They worked together and that is when they got together. His time was never not accounted for and he never "snuck out"...apparently you do not need to do that if you can mingle at work! lol Anyway, he is gone...she never left her husband, and now he is miserable. I don't take as much enjoyment from his misery as one would think, I believe everyone has a right to be happy. I will admit it did kind of make me happy at first! lol Now that he and I can manage to be cordial, I did ask him how long he had cheated before he told me and he said about a month. He said that he and she would call in sick together and not tell us (the dreaded other halves!) and then spend that day together. Apparently he was smarter than he looked! LOL Now I will fess up to something that sounds horrible...the woman he left me for was bigger than me and that made it better for me. I think I would been crushed had he left me for a size 5! (No offfense to any size 5's). Anyhow here is a cliche for you....it was the best thing to EVER happen to me. I realized I had to have an education and I went back to college. I have a 4.0 and graduate with my Psychology degree (Industrial Organizational Psych) in May. I attend college with both of my kids! lol Now next year when I am making $80,000.00 a year I am going to send both my ex and HIS ex a post card from Hawaii and thank them for their deception! :clap2:

Thanks for letting me rant! ~Patti

[Bettina 0]

I too was married to a wonderful man with high integrity for 17 years, we got married when I was 18 and he was 21 (NO, I was not pregnant! lol). Four years ago he chose Christmas day to tell me that he had met someone and wanted a divorce. I never saw it coming. How could I have known that he was anything but faithful? They worked together and that is when they got together. His time was never not accounted for and he never "snuck out"...apparently you do not need to do that if you can mingle at work! lol Anyway, he is gone...she never left her husband, and now he is miserable. I don't take as much enjoyment from his misery as one would think, I believe everyone has a right to be happy. I will admit it did kind of make me happy at first! lol Now that he and I can manage to be cordial, I did ask him how long he had cheated before he told me and he said about a month. He said that he and she would call in sick together and not tell us (the dreaded other halves!) and then spend that day together. Apparently he was smarter than he looked! LOL Now I will fess up to something that sounds horrible...the woman he left me for was bigger than me and that made it better for me. I think I would been crushed had he left me for a size 5! (No offfense to any size 5's). Anyhow here is a cliche for you....it was the best thing to EVER happen to me. I realized I had to have an education and I went back to college. I have a 4.0 and graduate with my Psychology degree (Industrial Organizational Psych) in May. I attend college with both of my kids! lol Now next year when I am making $80,000.00 a year I am going to send both my ex and HIS ex a post card from Hawaii and thank them for their deception! :clap2:

Thanks for letting me rant! ~Patti

Thanks for sharing your personal story...sorry to hear it didn't work...but Yay to you for turning your life around!!!! (I am also a psych major! 3 semesters to go!) I bet your kids are so proud of you!!! Makes me wonder however, how did he possibly think that after one month -that he would want to be with her over you?? (duh) (oh well chalk it up to getting married young I guess.) All the best to you!!!!!!!!!:clap2:

he he i just noticed that "marriage" is mispelled in the polls...lol:rolleyes

[PattiCakes 0]

Hey Bettina, which area of Psychology? Three more semesters until your Bachelor's or your Master's ? Psychology is such a blast! As far as my ex being in love in a month, he has been engaged four times in the almost four years we have been divorced! Some of these were engagements with women he had known one week and three week! :faint: I guess he moves fast! LMAO

~Patti

[NurseTeresa 0]

Wow. I have just sat here and read every single page there is. I have to tell you. I have never cheated however.........have been cheated on. The first time I was cheated on was when I was in the hospital delivering our second daughter. He was out with his best friends wife. The day I came home I was in the bedroom laying down nursing the baby and the phone rang. Well the phone in the bedroom you could hear what was being said but they couldn't hear you. I over heard the entire conversation about where and how etc they did it and about meeting again. Well, I kicked his ass out that day! Then many years later it happened again!I like some of you had no clue because his hours were all covered. He even answered his cell phone when he was with her.(come to find out they had been together for two years before we started dating and I was the other woman..I guess) I could always reach him no matter what. He had even lost his job and she was giving him the same money he was making at work and I didn't even know this had happened. He was gone the same hours and home the same with no changes in money. Talk about blown out the water.:faint: Would I cheat? NEVER!!! I don't like the way it made me feel and could never live with myself if I made someone feel the way I did. Am I over it? YES!:clap2: Will I be skeptical in another relationship? Yes! I sit and watch and listen about both males and females talk about cheating and I always ask them....how would you feel if it happened to you? Is it really that great to have your cake and eat it too? Next time I will be more careful and watch things a little closer and maybe do the showin up at work for lunch etc lol Good luck to those who have been cheated on both male and female it does get better and all dont cheat! Just have to find the ones worthy of our love!!!!

[Bettina 0]

Hey Bettina, which area of Psychology? Three more semesters until your Bachelor's or your Master's ? Psychology is such a blast! As far as my ex being in love in a month, he has been engaged four times in the almost four years we have been divorced! Some of these were engagements with women he had known one week and three week! :faint: I guess he moves fast! LMAO

~Patti

Ex is in love with being in love huh? I know someone like that. (old friend of mine..sad)

Psychology....General Psychology...but I am going for a duel degree so the other one is Elementary Education/Special Education (mandatory in NJ to have Special Ed too). I also have an area of concentration in History. (all I do is study!!!!!) Oh yeah and its for my Bachelor's degree...I will go back for my masters in about 2 years. I was supposed to be high school but the college screwed me over and I got elementary ed, the duel degree was supposed to be Biology....but I had so much Psych under my belt, that I got stuck. But I do love psych that is why I had so many classes! I can't decided on High School Guidance councelling or on the elementary level--Child Study Team...Both are an option at this point. I already work -on call- at the elementary school K-2 and 3-6 in my town, and I have personal friends on all the school boards, so I am not too worried at this point!

What are you doing with your degree?? Industrial--isn't that when you can go to job sites and tell the people how to behave with each other? I thought about doing that.

Take care

[PattiCakes 0]

Yep Bettina, you are exactly right...we help people at work play nice! lol We also develop all those lovely psychological tests that employers now use. Now it has become big business for the mega giant corps to hire I.O. Psychs. to find the perfect fit for a job, or find a person the perfect job. It's a blast! I envy you being able to teach, I don't think I would have the patince...the older I get the more impatient I become! lol

Hey Teresa, isn't amazing how they use work as a cover for a sex exploit! I can't believe he cheated on you when you were delivering!!! That is an all time low! It sounds like you have done quite well for yourself, you must be incredibly strong! Kudos to you! I understand the lack of trust you now have, been there..done that..have the T-shirt! LOL Maybe one day they will sale home kit lie detector tests!! LOL Now that would be fun!

~Patti

[Molliegirl 0]

Whoa...a lot of responses here. My hubby and I met in hs, we just celebrated our 40th on July 23. Have 2 wonderful kids and 1 grandbaby. I don't think he ever cheated, but I know he has looked. Plenty. He is a junk food eater and used to be a beer drinker and smoker. He quit the smokes and the beer and NEVER gained a pound. Always thin. Me on the other hand just packed on the weight until I was 215 lbs before banding. It was one of our biggest arguments. I just couldn't control the weight. Now I am down 66 pounds and in a size 8 from a size 22. Banded in Nov of '05.

And yes, my losing the weight has made a big difference in our marriage. We really do love each other, but I was always embarrassed to go out with him. Now, he won't leave me alone and is following me around like crazy. So....we did stick it out and I am glad. Looking forward to the next 40 years!