Cheating..No, not with food!

[those_eyes2004 1]

I was a "good wife"...And he was a "good husband"...What I didn't know is that he had a problem...As our therapist calls it...A Sex Addict...I didn't know that while he was at work, a cable guy, he was getting it on with just about all of his clients...I was always able to call and get him on his cell at the drop of a hat...How was I to know?...And he was always with me and the kids when he was off work...Perfect job for a guy like him...And he still has that job...lol...He has not gotten help for his addiction and continues to do the same thing to the women that he does try to form a relationship with...It wasn't just me...I questioned my every move after we split...Was I not good enough?...What did I do wrong?...How can I ever have another relationship if I couldn't even make this one work?...It does take two to mess it up but when you are dealing with something like this, what do you do?...Windy

[Telly 4]

I know alot of men and I can honestly say that only 2 men in my life have ever blatantly cheated that I am aware of, therefore I don't know about that statistic Seminole.

The first was my father who cheated on his first wife and married my mother. Then cheated on my mother and married my step mother. Then divorced and lived his remaining days with the girl he cheated on mom with. Somewhere in between the marriages, I saw a handful of women in my mother's bedroom. Sad and painful. Scandalous.

As for my real mother, I've heard arguments where my father blamed his cheating on my mother, as he caught her a few times.

2ndly was my ex. We were young, right out of highschool and of course foolish. I caught him what.... 3 times?? My ex is remarried now and he cheats on his new wife quite a bit. Has even tried to get back with me even though I am re-married. I see different women with him that are young and of course, "his type" when he comes to town to visit our son. Yes, he's drop dead gorgeous with blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and muscular, loves fast cars, fast bikes and loves living dangerously. Hates to say no to a pretty face and hot ass. I have found that most women love bad boys and he's one of those. He has alot of sex appeal and is tempted every single time he steps foot out of his house (so he says) but that gives him no right to allow it to happen. I do believe he has some kind of control over "it". But I think that the temptation is much much greater if you are physically appealing and if you are ..inviting so to speak, which he is.

On the other hand, my father-in-law is a pastor and he's been married to his wife since they graduated high school. They were together since middle school. I can say that just by his character, I know he's never cheated. Religion is very big in my husband's family and family happiness is priority. Puerto Rican families are very closely knit and hold a very strong family bond. My Mother and Father-in-laws play a very powerful role in this family and I know that my husband is fearful of them in the sense that he'd not want to ever do anything hurtful to family. My husband came from an awesome upbringing and I feel confident that I know him well enough to know that he has been given life tools to be a good and decent man, that of which he is. I know he'd never go outside of our marriage. That's never worried me. It's me that I worry about.

Though I became somewhat hardened by the cheating men in my past, I believe that there are good and faithful men out there. I believe the number is bigger than 20%.

[kimalicious 5]

I know 2 and 4 are basically the same in the poll, I did it really fast, just humor me, thanks!!!

[kimalicious 5]

Out of all of the men I have dated in my life either seriously, high school dating or otherwise, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM CHEATED! Now mind you, I went after a certain type of thug or bad boy in my younger days and that is why I married someone who was totally opposite of that TOTALLY!

Maybe counseling would help. Maybe even just for myself. I hate feeling this vulnerable at this point. Just so everyone knows, before this weekend I would have answered my poll that neither of us have cheated and I was in the perfect relationship and he has no time to cheat and know how he feels when we talk about other people's relationships and just doesnt understand why they cheat. He is so honest with me about everything and we are truly, madly, deeply in love. That was, of course, prior to the weekend. There were no pre cursors, no small thoughts, no maybes, no idea under the sun. I am not your typical too trusting, pushover woman, that is another reason I can't believe I didn't know and can't believe what I drug out of him was all that there was to it. I guess I will just have to see if he lives up to everything he said after our fight and after our bawling and being holled up inside the house for the entire weekend going over and over everything. Again, he is still swearing there was no actual cheating, just intent, which was hurtful enough to me. This will take some time.

I am happy that I can come here with people I have talked to for almost 2 years now, though it's been a while since I posted, and hear feedback and some back and forth action. It is really appreciated.

[gotta be me 0]

Cheating destroys more than marriages--it kills the soul. After 20 years of being single (why would I put myself though hell again?) and raising my child alone, I still hurt every day for my daughter as well as for myself. My marriage was the best thing that had ever happened to me...right up until the time 12 years later that I discovered my friend liked my husband just a little too much and he is a weak sob. When he abandoned me and our child, he also abandoned "the other woman." Not to fear, he's not alone, he's now on his 4th marriage--serial monogamy my counselor called it--I call it "he needs to be shot." :angry

[lisah25 3]

First off, even though I was one with an opinion about what you posted, I don't hold anything against you at all. I also think we all need to know what works for us, and do it. So if what you are doing is working, good.

Of course, I have one more comment! :confused:

When my husband visited a Promise Keepers convention in San Diego several years back, one of the speakers asked how many men had viewed pornography in the last week. My husband said almost every hand went up. This convention was in a stadium! The traffic in and out took hours! And yet, almost every hand went up. Our husbands are human, they are not saints. And while pornography may not be a sexual affair with another tangible person, it is a step in that direction.

I have to say I don't think porn in and of itself is the problem. I think when it's done in shame and secrecy by someone who believes it's wrong, then yes, it's a problem. But when used by a couple to spice things up, I don't see anything wrong with that.

[kimalicious 5]

Lizzie, I do a lot of skip tracing in my line of business and completely understand the checking in with that. I just never thought I had to before. I was always paranoid that he thought I was cheating on him all the while that I was phoning in our realtionship. I have only been married a few years and together for a total of a few more and in short we are both still learning what this marriage thing is all about. You think you have something down and are average and sometimes mundane is alright. But it shouldn't be. I will not however take the blame and he knows and has had many conversations with me prior to and during our marriage that if he finds someone else he wants to be with he needs to leave me first rather than cheat. If there is something we can't work out he needs to leave me first before he goes on to something new. That was always well expressed. As hard as that would be for me to be without him, it would be much worse to be with him while he is thinking of someone else.

I could care less about porn. I probably watch it more than he does...shoot I buy it for him for Valentine's Day. That has never been an issue. Thanks for the insight though.

[Sedonagirl 0]

Y'know Lisa25, I understand what you mean. I know plenty of women who don't have a problem with that. I even know women who don't have a problem with their husbands viewing porn alone. I have friends who subscribe to Playboy for their husbands, or who know that their husbands are going to drop $500 at the local strip joint on Friday. To them, it isn't cheating, it isn't wrong. And thats fine for them. Just like with the gal in the alternative/open marriage. What most of us define as cheating, they define as a perfectly acceptable and even embraced way of life. And it works for them. I guess when I brought up the porn thing, I was thinking more about how "I" feel about it. I don't like it, my husband doesn't do it, and I have seen families torn apart because of it. Not because the husband and wife were enjoying it together, but because the husband would stay up all night viewing it while his wife slept. She felt cheated on.

I think everyone would define cheating a little differently based on their own personal beliefs.

[lisah25 3]

Hi Lizziegrace, yep I think it comes down to knowing what we do and don't accept, and talking to our partners about it. I like sharing a sexy movie with DH, but if he were in a room alone all the time with one, or the computer, and ignoring me that would be a problem.

I do have a friend who gets Playboy for her husband, but he has a history of cheating and she's trying to create an open environment so he "doesn't have to". She's missing the point, IMHO, because for him, part of the thrill is doing something behind her back.

[Pattman 0]

No, I have never cheated, and neither has my husband.

I haven't cheated on my wife either. Can't say that I haven't wanted to at times {mostly because of what our relationship has changed to, not becuase I have anyone of interest outside our marriage. <honestly don't think I could find anyone that WOULD have an interest in me besides her these days, even with all the lost weight>.

There is nothing that I keep from him, and vice versa in any part of our relationship. We communicate about everything, and have since we became friends way way back when ... I think that communication is the key, and so is a healthy respect and love for each other. I can honestly say that, aside from my kids, there is nothing on this planet that I love and care for, as well as think about, more.

I couldn't agree with you more there. I don't think my wife understands what she means to me.

On the reverse side of the coin I found out over a year ago how much I don't mean to her {straight from her own mouth, can't ask for anything more then that, now can you?}.

I feel like there is a lot she is keeping from me, and she thinks the same about me. I feel like there is no trust left in the relationship, if this can even be called a relationship anymore.

I still don't understand why I am with someone who "no longer has an emotional attachment to me". Except, it would be far too expensive and messy a divorce at this point, also (like already mentioned) I have no interrest in anyone else, and have no one that is interested in me (that I am aware of; and not that it would change my mind if there were}.

Still trying to give her time to determine "where we stand"

So in answer to your original question, "Is there a relationship that has survived lapband?" I guess you could put me down for one who feels the answer is no.

I've lost 60 lbs, and a person whom I once loved, that no longer loves me, and that I find it hard to sleep in the same bed with someone who has no feelings for me. I still love her, but what good does it do my heart to have a 'one sided' love affair?:faint:

Sorry soo long winded

[DonnaB 3]

Ya, I have to agree that porn is not a step in the direction of cheating. If anything, porn is the 'strange booty' that a lot of people (men and women) want and enjoy, keeping the spice in their real-life relationship. I also think pornography is a safe, non-threatening way for couples to experiment with their sexuality and express desires non-verbally.

I just don't see myself being so inflamed with lust after viewing pornography that I'm going to cruise a bar for a quicky. I DO see myself being inflamed with lust and turning to my husband and saying, "You wanna try that?"

[Sedonagirl 0]

Yeah Kimilicious, you're right about the porn. It was a bad example. The reason I used it is because Promise Keepers is a large Christian organization, and for a lot of Christians, porn is not acceptable. And yet, almost every man had viewed it. So I guess I was just trying to say that even though probably most of the men thought it was wrong, they couldn't withstand the temptation. Just another example that we're all human.

Can I delete my freakin' posts??????

[DonnaB 3]

Yeah Kimilicious, you're right about the porn. It was a bad example. The reason I used it is because Promise Keepers is a large Christian organization, and for a lot of Christians, porn is not acceptable. And yet, almost every man had viewed it. So I guess I was just trying to say that even though probably most of the men thought it was wrong, they couldn't withstand the temptation. Just another example that we're all human.

Can I delete my freakin' posts??????

No, it continued a good discussion and was therefore very useful.

[lisah25 3]

Yeah Kimilicious, you're right about the porn. It was a bad example. The reason I used it is because Promise Keepers is a large Christian organization, and for a lot of Christians, porn is not acceptable. And yet, almost every man had viewed it. So I guess I was just trying to say that even though probably most of the men thought it was wrong, they couldn't withstand the temptation. Just another example that we're all human.

Can I delete my freakin' posts??????

I don't think it's a bad example at all! I think it shows that we are all different, and that the key is knowing ourselves and our partners.

The friends I mentioned a post or so back are a good example of this. He's told us that he thinks love/marriage is seperate from sex. That his sleeping around has nothing to do with how he feels about his family. But his wife doesn't agree, and he's never told her that is how he feels.

Of course, I don't buy it anyway. I think he's making excuses...

[Leila 0]

I totally agree with you, I think it's about what the adults involved agree on in their relationship, if the understanding is that pornography use is not acceptable behavior by the couple, then that should be honoured. The hard part is when the individuals in the marriage hold different beliefs on what is okay and what isn't. That's when people get into trouble.

Y'know Lisa25, I understand what you mean. I know plenty of women who don't have a problem with that. I even know women who don't have a problem with their husbands viewing porn alone. I have friends who subscribe to Playboy for their husbands, or who know that their husbands are going to drop $500 at the local strip joint on Friday. To them, it isn't cheating, it isn't wrong. And thats fine for them. Just like with the gal in the alternative/open marriage. What most of us define as cheating, they define as a perfectly acceptable and even embraced way of life. And it works for them. I guess when I brought up the porn thing, I was thinking more about how "I" feel about it. I don't like it, my husband doesn't do it, and I have seen families torn apart because of it. Not because the husband and wife were enjoying it together, but because the husband would stay up all night viewing it while his wife slept. She felt cheated on.

I think everyone would define cheating a little differently based on their own personal beliefs.