Cheating..No, not with food!

[lisah25 3]

I

Good grief, if I stalked, I mean check his movements and activities, my husband would ask what was wrong with ME, that I had lost trust. What was I feeling guilty about that I would transfer that guilt to HIM?

You hit on a feeling that was in the back of my mind. That being how it would feel to be the spouse being so checked up on. I think I would resent it and it would erode the relationship. As for living a life were I am constantly checking up on my spouse, that doesn't sound much better.

[sbmorgaine 0]

I think that Funny's statement about how sad it is to see how many people think that marriage is something that you can just wander in and out of.

I have only been married once, (mostly because Canada only started offering same-sex marriage recently) but my ex I was with for six years and I had as close to a marriage as you can get. When I knew that the relationship was close to ending, we went to therapy, we talked and talked, and then finally the therapist said "you know, you both want to be done, just realize that sometimes relationships don't work". And then we decided (well, 2 months later) that we had tried everything and that it wasn't going to work. It suprised me how many people said "If you knew it wasn't going to work, why did you try? Why not just leave?"

:faint: Because I said I would stay with her, even if she was developing relationships that weren't appropriate. (that is why I finally left, because she wasn't willing to give up her "best friend" who is now her partner).

Anyway, when Erin and I went up to BC and got married, we knew it wasn't legal in the states, nor would it be for a long time if ever. But it was important to both of us, because for us, marriage means something. It means that you work out issues, you don't cheat, you don't lie, etc. I am amazed by people who (not here but in general conversations) say they will get married and if it doesn't work, well, they can just divorce. Ending a marriage should take time, months if not years. (Obvious exceptions, abuse or cheating, then I would leave that day)

Faith/religion or not, people are not treating relationships/marriages with the respect they deserve.

[Tricia K. 0]

While I agree with a lot of what Funny has said, I don't necessarily agree with the religious aspect of it. Maybe that stems from my being agnostic but, to me, it's just a matter of morals and character.

[kimalicious 5]

I've been married for almost 11 years to a wonderful man. He is an excellent husband and father, and honestly, we get a long most excellently. We joke, we flirt, we play, and very rarely fight. That being said... While I trust my husband 100% and I believe him when he says that he has never cheated, I do not KNOW that he has never cheated. No matter how wonderful, moral and excellent a person is, sometimes they give into temptation. Anyone can fall, anyone can succumb. What I do know is this: it is my job as a loving wife to help my husband resist temptation. If I'm to help him, then I can't be oblivious to it. So, I cover his tracks. I check up on internet activity. I check the history in the computer. Occasionally, I check the cell phone bill for unknown numbers dialed repeatedly. I even google his name from time to time. I moniter credit card transactions and cash flow in our accounts. I can always reach my husband at work if he is working late, and he always calls me on his lunch hour. There are many other things I could do, and would if given cause. Every spouse should know that cheaters like PO boxes, usually have hidden credit cards, have hidden email addresses, and even separate bank accounts with passwords they won't share. All of these things can be discovered if given cause. It is our job as spouses to be on top of the game, to be aware before the break-up of a family occurs. My husband knows that I do these kinds of things. He doesn't know what I do, but he knows that I check up on him. And I don't do it to "catch" him, I do it because, if he is ever in a situation where a relationship may turn to more than friendship, I want to know so I can help him out of it.

He and I have a friend whose husband is most definitely cheating on her, but she is totally oblivious. My husband told her, based on his actions, that he is, but she won't believe it. Even though her husband sleeps at another woman's house when he is mad at his wife. My husband told this friend that even if he wanted to cheat, he couldn't because he KNEW I would find out.

I don't ever want to be the last to know. I don't want to be duped, and I don't want to find out when it's too late to save the marriage. Frankly, I think my husband would be wise to check up on me as well, there's nothing wrong with a little accountability.

I am writing this as I go thru reading so incase others have said this, I don't think we should be the ones to keep our men from cheating on us. I believe we should be great wives and not give them a reason to cheat on us, but men don't need a reason to cheat. I would have never checked up on my husband who I spend every waking moment with and get cals from every day and never have spent a night apart, with the exception of hunting trips with the churchly brother and ladies nights out. I had no inkling into what was going on because I was busy trying to make more money at my job while going to college to better myself for OUR future and potentially future children, while doing our laundry, cooking, dishes, bills and everything else humanly possible. THAT WAS being the good wife, so I thought. I did take for granted that he would always sit at home waiting for me to get home from school or work, but with the last person you would ever expect cheating from it doesn't matter. Let me say there was no actual cheating involved, SO HE SAYS, but there was lying and intent by going out without telling me to a bar without a wedding ring and condoms in the pocket...I don't know what to believe anymore and have lost all faith in the person I thought I knew and was closest to in my entire world. I have lost faith in love and marriage because if someone like him can cheat or even try to, then all other men are definately hopeless...Again since this is the internet this could all be a fabrication or a story of a friend I know.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

Oh I want to clarify something on my stance here. I am not saying that just the religious hold marriage at a higher standard. I am not saying that at all!! I am only stating that the reason I think that the poll results are as high as they are is due to the fact that we have such a high population of spiritual people on the board. I do not believe for a second that you will have a better marriage soley because you are in a religious marriage. :confused:

[Tricia K. 0]

Oh I want to clarify something on my stance here. I am not saying that just the religious hold marriage at a higher standard. I am not saying that at all!! I am only stating that the reason I think that the poll results are as high as they are is due to the fact that we have such a high population of spiritual people on the board. I do not believe for a second that you will have a better marriage soley because you are in a religious marriage. :confused:

Thanks for clarifying, Amy. I greatly appreciate it.

[FunnyDuddies 6]

As for the question of how do I know if my husband is cheating or not. Well, he is always accounted for. I don't do it, but I know that if I called his office right now, he would pick up the phone. And anytime that he has had to deal with anyone of the opposite sex in his office, or at lunch, he has told me ahead of time. I asked him why he would always tell me, because it was not like I cared, and he said that he wanted me to know ahead of time out of respect. That right there told me that I could trust him. I also have seen him break off friendships with people who have decieved their wives and husbands in any way because of how much disrespect he has for them. I also know he can't get this good anywhere else. LOL

[kimalicious 5]

Funny and Seminole, my husband was raised a devout Christian and mother still works for the church he grew up in. I on the other hand don't have the deep rooted beliefs of religion. I have never cheated on my husband but I can't say the same for him. Religion and duty and love have nothing to do with it.

Wheetsin: I had a 3 some with Restoration Hardware and Pottery Barn last week. They are across the street from each other in my area so I carried my Pottery Barn bag into the Restoration Hardware store to shop!! I'm such a high end ho bag!!

[Poodles 0]

I told my hubby that marraige is until death do us part... and some days it does not look too good for him...

You know we went to the counceling before we got married, and I was wanting to be the "good wife" doing all the housework, working, taking care of the kids. Whore in the bedroom, cook in the kitchen, saint as a mother type stuff... and you know as life goes on things change.

We seperate out the chores based on what we like to do/or can stand to do, we have great marital relations but sometimes we go thru a lull, we cook when we can, get takeout or microwave things sometimes, and we both take the kid to school and help with homework. It is a partnership.

We have been thru alot, and I can honestly say that you must want to grow and change with the person you are married to or you won't make it. He has lived thru my LOTR phase, now we are going thru my Lapband phase, I have lived thru his motorcycle phase, big truck phase, and we both live thru each others changing job phases. You grow, you learn, you live, and you love. You choose to love them, and as long as you can live together it works.

As for the sex part, he told me that if I ever cheated on him he would understand that it was just for sex. He knows I love him. I told him if he ever cheated on me, they would not be able to re-attach what I cut off because it would end up down the garbage disposal. But I figure as long as you keep things interesting, have a surprise for him every now and again, that I won't ever have to worry about that... and if he does cheat I can leave. I always tell him... I don't need him, but I want him... and I still do. :love:

Just my two cents...

[kimalicious 5]

Poodles, you are so right about throwing in a surpise now and again. I didn't get into a routine and a lull and was phoning it in so to say. I just don't understand how that can be an excuse, which was the excuse he gave me, and now I feel like I was in the wrong when it was him that went looking for something else. Now, I feel like I am supposed to be the one that cooks all the time and is ready for action at any moment and if the lull comes back will be scared to death he is out while I am school looking for something else. I just hate that this is not the sane "me", the person thinking these things are the insecure little girl inside that is so in love with the man she married she would rather worry for the next however many years that something is going on when I am at work or school than to be without this man. We bawled together and talked for 2 days straight. I just don't know why he couldn't have done that PRIOR to going out to the bar. That's why I don't think there are actual reasons or excuses for it. I think if the opportunity is there they will go for it. God I hate feeling this way and I especially hate not knowing and wanting to believe the "truths" I had to pull out thru the lies when he was busted.

[lisah25 3]

Poodles, you are so right about throwing in a surpise now and again. I didn't get into a routine and a lull and was phoning it in so to say. I just don't understand how that can be an excuse, which was the excuse he gave me, and now I feel like I was in the wrong when it was him that went looking for something else. Now, I feel like I am supposed to be the one that cooks all the time and is ready for action at any moment and if the lull comes back will be scared to death he is out while I am school looking for something else. I just hate that this is not the sane "me", the person thinking these things are the insecure little girl inside that is so in love with the man she married she would rather worry for the next however many years that something is going on when I am at work or school than to be without this man. We bawled together and talked for 2 days straight. I just don't know why he couldn't have done that PRIOR to going out to the bar. That's why I don't think there are actual reasons or excuses for it. I think if the opportunity is there they will go for it. God I hate feeling this way and I especially hate not knowing and wanting to believe the "truths" I had to pull out thru the lies when he was busted.

I personally don't believe that a spouse can "drive" another to cheat. Don't buy it. If there are problems in the marriage, work on it. If it can't be worked out, figure that out, end it and THEN move on.

I HATE when the guilty party tries to make the other one feel like they caused it!:angry I'm sorry he did that to you.

[princess_n_thep 2]

My first husband cheated on me and then I cheated on him....and enjoyed it, and then I kicked him to the curb. Who ever said revenge isn't sweet??

LMAO, I did the same thing! And my ex did it with my best friend (now ex best friend). And oh... by the way... yes I did kick her ass. Was sooooo worth the night in jail for it too.

Now, I am happy and in love. Neither of us would cheat EVER. I am a huge flirt though, but that is where it stops. Call me a prick tease?

[BeacheeGirl 0]

I told my hubby that marraige is until death do us part... and some days it does not look too good for him...

You know we went to the counceling before we got married, and I was wanting to be the "good wife" doing all the housework, working, taking care of the kids. Whore in the bedroom, cook in the kitchen, saint as a mother type stuff... and you know as life goes on things change.

We seperate out the chores based on what we like to do/or can stand to do, we have great marital relations but sometimes we go thru a lull, we cook when we can, get takeout or microwave things sometimes, and we both take the kid to school and help with homework. It is a partnership.

We have been thru alot, and I can honestly say that you must want to grow and change with the person you are married to or you won't make it. He has lived thru my LOTR phase, now we are going thru my Lapband phase, I have lived thru his motorcycle phase, big truck phase, and we both live thru each others changing job phases. You grow, you learn, you live, and you love. You choose to love them, and as long as you can live together it works.

As for the sex part, he told me that if I ever cheated on him he would understand that it was just for sex. He knows I love him. I told him if he ever cheated on me, they would not be able to re-attach what I cut off because it would end up down the garbage disposal. But I figure as long as you keep things interesting, have a surprise for him every now and again, that I won't ever have to worry about that... and if he does cheat I can leave. I always tell him... I don't need him, but I want him... and I still do. :love:

Just my two cents...

Yup, yup, Poodles...told my husband basically the same thing as you. He's more worried I will cheat though. His first marriage his wife cheated on him with his cousin/best friend. He was devastated and he was sooo faithful. He said he can't ever do that to someone else, it hurt too much. He thinks I'm gonna be way too fly when I lose all my weight and that I'm gonna find someone else. He met me when I was a size 14 and now I'm a size 16/18 so he is fine the way I am but understands I want to lose weight but he is so worried about me losing my T & A, lol! But no matter, what I always handle my biz in the bedroom because I don't ever want to give him a reason - should he feel so inclined. I am kind of worried about a midlife crisis though. He will be 40 in January and he looks 25. I've heard of men just going crazy at that mid-life time and I hope it doesn't happen. I kind of think he is going through one now cuz he is so into dressing young and hip-hopish. All he wears is BAPE, Sean John, Evisu, Timberland, etc. The TV's in his truck and all the BOOM, make me laugh so hard cuz I'm like deezamn, babe, when ya gonna act ur age. Is it necessary for everyone to hear your music too??? But, ya never know. I think most men ALL cheat and it's very rare that they don't. Hopefully, I found a rarity but you never can be too careful. I monitor closely his cell, text msgs, etc....(He don't know it, but I sure do). I will never, ever play the fool :confused:

[Scribby 0]

LMAO, I did the same thing! And my ex did it with my best friend (now ex best friend). And oh... by the way... yes I did kick her ass. Was sooooo worth the night in jail for it too.

Now, I am happy and in love. Neither of us would cheat EVER. I am a huge flirt though, but that is where it stops. Call me a prick tease?

Night in jail, thats freakin' hilarious!!! ROFL! :roll:

[3loves 0]

Kim ~ Have you considered counseling? Perhaps it would be worth while for your marriage. Maybe someone can offer advice on how to find a good one. I've never been in this situation, but I can hear the hurt in your words. I hope your able to resolve any issues in your marriage quickly and thoroughly.

Funny,

I have to say that out of all of the men I know about 80 percent cheat on thier wives. So ladies do not be fooled. Most men will cheat if the opportunity knocks!!!

I disagree with this statement and from the world I live in, it's incorrect. Perhaps this statement is 100% true from your world. We all have different perspectives on so many different levels. I appreciate being able to share different views in a respectable manner.

As Funny has said, my DH and I do share the same religious beliefs and the same integrity in which we conduct ourselves. Oh, and the way we raise our children. That being said, it doesn't mean I think that men OR women for that matter don't cheat. It happens and I can't speak for others on here, but I can say that my DH and I have a solid marriage base on religious beliefs, integrity, honesty, trust, faith, patience, and love. We are not perfect and do fail one another, but it is the foundation we share that keeps us together. It is so much more than religion. It takes work to have healthy marriage. It takes integrity for a man OR woman to pass up the opportunity to cheat. I think it's weak to give in b/c you are just giving in to your selfishness and missing the BIG picture.