Cheating..No, not with food!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Ebony have you thought about putting as much energy into finding out why he does what he does online as you have spent checking up on him?

If it were me I wouldn't - couldn't - be happy with a situation like that as an ongoing thing. I would have to discuss it, find some answers and get some help.

Hi BJean,

Yep, I've asked...I don't think he really knows the reason why he does what he does, or at least he isn't ready to verbalize it to me. I wanted to know - no matter how much it hurt.

In fact, the 'wilder side' of him (how he explains his activity) is more a reflection of what his first wife did to him...she 'explained' her infidelity by saying it was her 'wilder' side that she wanted to explore without being 'tied down'.

My answer to that whole arguement was that he should have TALKED to me about it instead of assuming that I wouldn't want to play with him. I've said that before, but I guess the message hadn't gotten through until now.

That said, I understand why you said what you did - and the way you described your first marriage sounds a lot like mine. He gave me a gorgeous son, and that's the best thing he EVER did for me. Dishonest and uncommunicative - yep that was him! My husband also wanted to adopt my son, but his 'natural' father wouldn't give permission. When my son turned 16, he changed his last name to my husbands - and they are truly father and son.

I have noticed some things about when he's flirting online - it usually comes after a period when WE have not connected emotionally or physically. Ya know when things get busy, sometimes you let the 'us' in your marriage fall into second place, and that's when I notice he's online more than usual.

Actually, I've stopped most of my 'checking up' activities - I have come to the conclusion that I can't stop him from doing anything he wants (not really) and if he chooses to leave, it will be because he CHOSE that, not because I DROVE him to it. He was a 'good boy' for so long (raised by very strictly religious parents, service in the military) that now he thinks he's got to explore this 'wild side'.

I have drawn lines on this battlefield - he knows exactly how I feel about it all, and I must admit that after talking to him honestly about how much it hurts me, the activity has decreased and the flirting (that's how I describe it) has lessened. I also have to say that I may be over-reacting...I have my own insecurities and fears and personal demons - mostly around my appearance, and a big part of why I had the surgery. I want to be the healthiest, strongest and most physically beautiful ME I can be, and if he chooses not to stay when that happens because of his own reasons, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

I must say that he has been extremely supportive throughout my banding - even following my pre and post-surgery diets with me. He shows me just about every day through his actions that he loves me, but I just can't figure out why I don't satisfy 100 percent of him (or why he won't allow me to).

It's not an easy situation - and I don't blame you for NOT wanting to deal with it. It's the way I have chosen to life my life and the man I've chosen to live it with. Except for this one thing - and I admit, it's been a big thing at times for me - I feel he's perfect for me.

I don't know how else to explain it...and thank you for asking and caring - it does make me examine my motives and reasons closely, and that can only be a good thing.:wub:

[BJean 16]

Ebony: What a great post. You express yourself so well. I think your husband is a very lucky guy to have you. And I am sure that he knows it.

Sometimes we all kind of feel that we might be missing out on something exciting and ego-boosting by being married to the same person for so long. I can imagine that having been in the military and understanding so clearly how short life can be, a person might want to sow some oats before it's too late.

I also think people who have had to deal with the death of a family member or sometimes if someone experiences a life-threatening illness themselves, they come out of it a little wilder because they think they don't want to die without having some fun and excitement, and as Green put it "a little strange". When this is the case, it really isn't about the spouse, it's about the person who has these feelings. It can be very hurtful but when you understand that it is an inner struggle that he's having, and that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you as much as ever, then it is much easier to deal with.

You sound like you have a very healthy and good relationship otherwise, and that will hopefully be the thing that helps you both through get through whatever it is that has been happening.

Best of everything to you. I am very impressed with your story and how you have chosen to handle it.

[lucyavery 0]

Married 12 years and niether has ever cheated.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Mornin' folks!

Just posting to update - if you read my prior messages, you know I was struggling with my husband's online activities and what I felt were 'over the line' messages and postings on web boards to other women.

Rather than stew about it, I talked to him (again). The prior times I've talked to him about his activities, he seemed not to realize what he was doing was wrong and how it ultimately affected me and our marriage. Well last week we had a heart-to-heart first thing in the morning. I ended up being late for work because we talked so long, but it was so worth it! :wub:

I didn't accuse or condemn, just told him what I had seen and how it made ME feel. I told him again that it made me extremely uncomfortable and that I felt it was breaking the part of our marriage vows that said "forsaking all others, keep thyself only unto her / him till death do you part". Forgive my paraphrasing if I got it wrong, but that was what I said to him.

He admitted that some of the messages he had sent could be 'over the line' and that he would immediately stop. He discontinued his membership in the two Yahoo groups that he corresponded with and told me over and over that I am the one he loves and wants to be with, and nothing else matters.

I felt so gratified and validated - prior conversations usually ended with him stopping the activity, but only for a while until he felt he was 'owed' the opportunity to do what he wanted - after all he's a grown man (his words, not mine). :thumbdown:

We spent the rest of the weekend talking, touching and reconnecting. Not that our relationship was bad before, but it's even better now. He is putting us and our relationship first - above everything else. He even reminded me that he had been harboring feelings for me for quite a while when we weren't together. I reminded him that he never expressed those feelings and that I felt the boundaries in our prior relationship were set the moment he said "I do" to someone else. I even stopped contacting him for about 5 years because he told me it made his wife uncomfortable.

That was one of the reasons I felt so strongly about what he was doing - I had been in a similar situation, though not with electronic communication - and I BACKED OFF to avoid causing problems in his marriage. By the time we got back together, his marriage was over and done with - I prided myself on NOT having anything to do with it. It was the only way I could have a guilt-free relationship with him in the future.

I want you all to know that if you suspect something, please, please, please - talk to your spouses. Maybe you can catch it before it gets to the point of no return, or maybe you'll just have confirmation that it is time to go. Either way, don't live your life in limbo...that's no way for anyone to live.

Blessings to all for happy, stable and fulfilling marriages, and the strength to change what needs to be changed...including ourselves :cheers2:

[green 6]

Ebony, it was a real treat to read your post today. Thanks and congratulations, grrl!

[BJean 16]

Ebony that's awesome! Thanks so much for updating us. It is wonderful that you took the time to think everything through and that you were ready for the conversation that you and your DH had. I am so happy that you are on the same path again!

[minimeme 1]

My first husband cheated. He wasnt just looking for a bit of tail, he wanted a whole nother household. He wasnt looking for the sex on the side like most. I have never been able to understand his malfunction. I could understand a mistress more than a second household.

And it had absolutely nothing to do with me. It wasnt that I wouldnt/couldnt/didnt do this or that for him. I was good, WE were good. He was just damaged in some way I have never been able to understand.

[amylovescookies 8]

I met my husband when I was sixteen. I married him when I was 21. He is the only one I have ever been with. He has never strayed from me either. We spend every waking moment together, also he is crazy in love with me. (I feel the same way about him too!):frown:

[lauragshsu 6]

I have never cheated and neither has my husband. We have been married 6 years, together 10 (total). We have only been with each other (sexually), and that makes sex something special, something we've only shared together. I don't think either of us would break the intimacy of sex by sleeping with someone else.

[pearce 0]

sounds like the pole taker, needs a new partner !!!!! if your in doubt or thinking about it , its not right !!!! so leave ......

[pearce 0]

Ebany rose !!!! thats all sounds great !!!! however when your not in an episode of friends , its a bit easier to sort out ....... he went on like and arse ,,,, pure and simple , as a man you dont do it for no reason .... sift through the bullshit and find the truth (or a good divorce lawyer) good luck !!!!! (lifes too short to be tret like a mug)

[kimaly 57]

I Have not and neither has my spouse. We've only been married for 5 years but I really don't think it's anything that crosses eather of our minds. We were older when we got married and know whats really important in life. We both came from cheating spouses and know the pain it causes. Just not worth it.

[J_BandRanger 0]

my husband nor I have cheated on each other. I LOVE to be "intimate" and he is WONDERFUL "in bed" .... I also love him. so I've got no need to go anywhere else....

[joecs1 4]

As far as either one knows, we have not cheated!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Updating...haven't been here in quite a while!

Things are great between my DH and I now...his online activity has dropped down to nearly nothing. He said it wasn't worth losing me over it, and it wasn't that important.

We're celebrating our 20th anniversary next month along with our 30th high school reunion. We both laugh at how long we've known each other and that of a lot of our friends, we have the longest-lived marriage. That's actually kinda sad...

I'm glad I opened the lines of communication and asked the difficult question - it was NOT easy to do, and the work hasn't stopped there. I still ask the difficult questions when the need arises (about many other things besides our relationship) and the communication can get tough (the economy, politics, our children and their adult mishaps) but through it all we continue to TALK TO each other, not at each other.

If you are struggling, and cannot have an honest conversation with your spouse, then that's a definate danger sign. If they haven't done anything to betray your trust, try to let go of your suspicions - they can drive you crazy with maybes. Once you have 'proof' (and you are the only judge of what 'proof' is) then you have to deal with it, or it will eat you alive.

Was it easy? NO! Was it worth it? YES!

Wishing you all happy, fulfilling and long-lived relationships!