No Support From Husband...

[Estelle 4]

I was am 285 pounds and have tried every healthy way to lose weight. My husband is a fitness nut and always tries to encourage me. I have been overweight all my life, and was diagnosed with PCOS a year and a half ago. Since then I've taken my weightless more seriously but with NO results (as usual with pcos) so I'm getting the sleeve as a last resort. I'm 26 and ready to put my weight issues to rest and enjoy life. My husband however argues with me endlessly that I should just keep going to the gym and eat right... Ive been doing that for years and dont want to kill myself anymore over it. Can anyone offer advice on what to say to make it click for him that this is a hood choice? My pcos symptoms are turning my life but I hate not having his sapport. I can't find the right info to explain to him why it's not a short cut but a neccesary tool to help people like me... Help!

[Estelle 4]

Meant to say "good choice".

[favoredone 590]

You can explain.. but if he doesn't want to get it, he won't!!! When he sees the dramatic improvement in your life, health and over all well-being... coupled w/ the hard work in effectively utilizing that sleeve as the tool that it is... He will get it.. Until then, I know it my suck not having his support right now, but do this for yourself... knowing that you have a place here where people get it, understand and are going through it as well!!! Just my opinion... Best wishes!!

[Lissa 2,631]

Estelle,

My husband had the same attitude yours does. "If you'd just eat less, you'd lose weight". I basically told him to talk to my hand and I had the surgery anyway because it was life or death for me. Now that I'm nearly 3 months out and 60 pounds lighter, he sees what an improvement it's made in my health and he's more positive about it.

Keep in mind, though, that usually they are afraid for us to go through surgery. Big, bad men can't admit that they are scared they'll lose us, so they become macho and say stupid things. They're afraid we won't make it through surgery, or they're afraid we'll lose weight and get attention from other men and leave them. Either way, they can't/won't say that...they say things like "You don't need surgery" or "You can do it without surgery".

Lots of spouses are also subtly sabotaging the weight loss we try to do without surgery. I doubt they do it on purpose, but they do things like bring home ice cream when they know you're dieting. Or you say that you've lost 10 pounds, and then they offer to take you out to dinner...then order that high-fat yummy appetizer for the table.

You need to do what you know is best for you, and reassure hubby that the sleeve will help you do what is necessary to lose the weight. It's not a magic wand. It is a tool to help you lose weight so that you can start living a more normal life again.

Why not have hubby read some of the VSG Success Stories thread? LilMissDiva has great info on here about her journey, and hers will definitely show that the sleeve isn't a magic wand! She, and many others, have been quite open about their struggles and successes. Maybe reading some of those threads will help your hubby to see that this just jump starts us. We have to them keep the engine moving in order to achieve long-term success.

[mnbsleeve 87]

My cardiologist told me "plain and simple, your body is working against you!" I also have PCOS and have struggled with infertility and weight. While I've always had zero cholesterol, low blood preasure, great blood sugar, I do great stress tests on treadmill (always been active), excellent EKG etc. (all evidence of healthy living) I could not loose the darn weight. At least not significant amounts. I MUST keep my calories to about 800 and that is very difficult to do without a sleeve in the long run. I just turnd 49 so things were not getting any easier for me. BTW, I have completed a few sprint distance tri s, several cycling events and a number of 5Ks and 10ks. This while overweight! pre-surgery! I read "Slow Fat Triathlete" a few years ago and it encouraged me to not give up living an active life style for being fat (great book by the way!). But I dont' want to be fat anymore!!!! I was told, not by my surgeon, but my cardiologist, that I was a great candidate for this surgery because my body was working against me and I was willing to do the work long term. So it's not "easy." EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT I am just sharing my experience. I envy that you are just 26! This was not available for me at that age. Lots of us here on this board have said we regret we did not have this done sooner!!! LOL I wish you the best of luck on this journey Estelle. I know it can be challenging at many different levels!

[italianlady13 80]

I think you should stop trying to convince your husband and do it. Later, when he sees how it has helped you he will understand. Sometimes we have to make decisions that best effect our lives. I know he's your husband and he is a huge part of your life, the most important part, however if you die he won't be your husband anymore and if you continue to be obese you will most certainly die. He is just scared that you will harm yourself, maybe possibly die from the surgery and is not taking into account the fact that you are doing more harm being obese.

As for pcos. I would like to tell you that I too have pcos. Since my surgery, I have lost 60 pounds (in four months) and my periods are now NORMAL. I could have never in a million years lost the weight that I have with pcos. We know that whatever carb we eat turns right into sugar and gets applied to our tummy and considering that most everything has some carbs of some sort we know that it will be inevitable that you will continue to gain weight and feel terrible!!!

[Estelle 4]

Thank you so much for the replies, that was my first post here. You pretty much said what I was thinking. When I found out I had pcos I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that my failliors in weight loss weren't for a lack of trying, and angry that I now knew what I was up against and how hard it was going to be... And is. When I tell him I'm tired all the time he doesn't understand, when I say I need to really drastically cut calories he thinks I'm over reacting.. But in order to beat pcos naturally you have to do drastic things because like you said, your body is literally working against you. I think I will keep moving forward with the surgery and get more organized with informationto help the Hubby understand. He has mostly said his fear is I shouldn't mess with my insides. I feel they are far more messed up as I am now I am as active as I can be without hurting myself, and I dream of enjoying life for the first time. I know he will see that change in me after surgery. It would be undeniable. I can't keep going the way I am now.

[Shae 44]

Thank you so much for the replies, that was my first post here. You pretty much said what I was thinking. When I found out I had pcos I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that my failliors in weight loss weren't for a lack of trying, and angry that I now knew what I was up against and how hard it was going to be... And is. When I tell him I'm tired all the time he doesn't understand, when I say I need to really drastically cut calories he thinks I'm over reacting.. But in order to beat pcos naturally you have to do drastic things because like you said, your body is literally working against you. I think I will keep moving forward with the surgery and get more organized with informationto help the Hubby understand. He has mostly said his fear is I shouldn't mess with my insides. I feel they are far more messed up as I am now I am as active as I can be without hurting myself, and I dream of enjoying life for the first time. I know he will see that change in me after surgery. It would be undeniable. I can't keep going the way I am now.

I know it can be tough when the one you love does not support a decision you make. Kudos to you for being strong enough to stick with your decision! I admire you!

Shae

[SuperMom 33]

For years I was hungry. I could eat a big hamburger and fries and a couple of hours later I would have the munchies again. I told my weightloss doctor to check out all my levels, I was sure something was "off". Whatever it was that tells someone they are full was broken in me. Since the surgery I am like a new person. I eat the amount of a deck of cards and am HAPPY and FULL. THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. The reason I never lost weight on the many many years of diets was I was ALWAYS hungry. I have lost 75 lbs so far. I am thrilled. I wish I had done this surgery when I was in my 30's and not waited.......my hubby who was not thrilled about the surgery (more because he was worried something bad would happen....he hates hospitals) is thrilled that I am feeling better, more healthy and happy now. I know your hubby is not supportive of the surgery...........but trust me on this.........one of the best things I have done for MYSELF! Good luck on your journey!

[Shae 44]

For years I was hungry. I could eat a big hamburger and fries and a couple of hours later I would have the munchies again. I told my weightloss doctor to check out all my levels, I was sure something was "off". Whatever it was that tells someone they are full was broken in me. Since the surgery I am like a new person. I eat the amount of a deck of cards and am HAPPY and FULL. THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. The reason I never lost weight on the many many years of diets was I was ALWAYS hungry. I have lost 75 lbs so far. I am thrilled. I wish I had done this surgery when I was in my 30's and not waited.......my hubby who was not thrilled about the surgery (more because he was worried something bad would happen....he hates hospitals) is thrilled that I am feeling better, more healthy and happy now. I know your hubby is not supportive of the surgery...........but trust me on this.........one of the best things I have done for MYSELF! Good luck on your journey!

OMG! You described me to a T! I even went so far as to go to a Hematologist to have a complete blood panel done to see why I was always craving Protein rich foods. I could eat three baconators from wendy's and within an hour or two, look for more meat, cheese, milk, eggs, etc, etc. I would even get shaky if I didn't have something. Now I know it was a response to a broken tummy that kept saying it was hungry. Now, I only fight with head hunger and that is a real battle sometimes but I do overcome it, usually by doing something with my hands or brushing my teeth.

[amberj 21]

they do get more supportive as the process goes on. My fiance' was 100% against me getting the surgery. The night before i had it he started a big fight on purpose. I sat on the bed next to him crying my eyes out and tried my best to explain why I needed this. I have never told him how much I weighed, he never imagined it was 341 pounds. I told him I needed this for my 2 small children, for our future because if something didn't change I wouldn't make it to the future. He was scared. the morning of surgery he apologized and started to cry and said please come back home. He was so afraid I would die in the hospital. His previous wife had died her sleep and he didn't want to lose me to. He is seeing how much it is helping me and slowly starting to support me. He still says things like "are you sure you can eat that" which gets on my nerves because he has no clue. I told him the answer to getting rid of the fears is to research and read. I tried to involve hiom in the research process but he never thought i'd actually go through with it and ignored me. He is a little worried of how things will be after the weight loss and says things like " ill have my bags packed when you get small". just insecurities. He knows i wouldnt go anywhere. we have beautiful children together and i love him so very much because he has always saw beyond my flaws and accepted me as i was.

All we can do is reassure those that we love that this is safe and necessary. we are doing it because we dont want to have to miss a moment with them. Life is short enough as it is. This will prolong our lives so we can share one more smile and make one more memory.

Give him time, give him the material, and tell him you need him to be on your side through all of this. If he truly loves you he will want nothing more than to see you happy and healthy.

All in all, do it anyways and let time work its magic on him. he will change his mind!

[MeMeMEEE 206]

My husband was 100% against it, I told him I didn't need his approval just his support in the losing phase and he said he would support me then. He told me it was "recreational surgery." I have had some complications and been hospitalized 3 times now. It's been rough, thankfully he hasn't said "I told you so" at all and the last hospital stay he even came and saw me twice. Since I have been so sick he told me he was sorry if he ever said anything mean but he didn't want me to die. What a rough road when you don't have family support behind you

[cludgie 81]

I really feel for you, when I first looked into WLS a few years ago my hubby went mad at the prospect, tore up the forms and refused to discuss the topic again.

I let the matter drop, and continued to be deeply unhappy, and continued to look into wls solutions, in the end I booked my consultation, then sat my husband down and told him I WAS going to see the surgeon, I'd rather have him with me, but I was serious, and would do it alone if I had to.

That was the moment he realised how serious I was, and that for me this was the only choice. By my surgery he was fully on side, and loves it now, boasting to his friends about how well I'm doing!

I guess my point of argument was that I have a family history of obesity, and obesity related health problems, by 30 I'd spent enough years unhealthy and unhappy, and if I'd got an illness which needed surgery to fix it, nobody would question the op. The sleeve for me was preventative medicine, I am much less likely to get ill now, and I think the sleeve has saved my life in many many ways.

Good luck

C x

[pcos_chick 23]

I'm another PCOS VSG'er. Having the surgery was hands down the best decision I've ever made.

I've always been active, always ate what I thought was healthy foods.... always overweight.

Getting diagnosed with PCOS was as enlightening as it was enraging. How was it possible that I went YEARS without being diagnosed? I am still very angry that I was just told to diet... that my problem was JUST what I put in my mouth. I accept 100% responsibility for over eating. But for so much of the medical community to deny and turn a blind eye to PCOS is shameful.

I'm very sorry to hear your husband doesn't support you. Its clearly a lack of understanding PCOS and very likely fears on his part. Have you check out soulcysters? (google it!) The resources there for PCOS and metabolic syndrome folks is amazing. Get him educated!!! Take him to endocrinology doctors and nutritionists! Get some couples therapy! You deserve to be supported. For you he should be willing to learn!

[circa 333]

My husband was apprehensive about it at first and I just told him "Look, if you can't support me in my decision, don't think I won't remember that when the outcome is stellar. I've done enough research to probably do the damned surgery myself and this is what I NEED. I don't need your support, but I do want it. You don't have to like it, but if you want to reap any benefits and have a healthy relationship with me AFTER I'm well, then you better get on board" I had to explain to him that I didn't want to resent him and his attention after I was well. Go on the journey with me and be encouraging in my choice, and my recovery and we can share in the splendid outcome together. I'm not doing this for him.