Ashamed of WLS?

[Zedsmummy 7]

I'm choosing to lie on the operation table because I don't want to be so hungry anymore.

I wish I had thought to say this to my best friend. She doesn't understand why I have to have VSG. She thinks it's too extreme. She has said she'll support me but I now regret telling her.

It doesn't help that I am a terribly liar, and crack under even the slightest question. I feel like I should have kept it a secret but now that the cat is out of the bag I'm going to have to "come clean" to a whole bunch of people that I know are going to have nothing but negative things to say. That's why I am waiting until the night before I leave for Mexico so no one can think they might talk me out of it.

[Estella 11]

I wish I had thought to say this to my best friend. She doesn't understand why I have to have VSG. She thinks it's too extreme. She has said she'll support me but I now regret telling her.

It doesn't help that I am a terribly liar, and crack under even the slightest question. I feel like I should have kept it a secret but now that the cat is out of the bag I'm going to have to "come clean" to a whole bunch of people that I know are going to have nothing but negative things to say. That's why I am waiting until the night before I leave for Mexico so no one can think they might talk me out of it.

It is too late to turn back time and untell what you told, but on the bright side, it appears that all the naysayers haven't managed to talk you out of it and I'm glad to hear you're getting closer to the goal. You'll prove them wrong eventually.

[kgremmy 36]

I was like that also but then I was like there is nothing to be ashamed of. I had surgery and I am proud of what I did. I was also afraid of what people would say but right now I could care less. People are going to talk regardless of what you do.

[Jewel-in-the-rough 0]

I'm SO glad to have stumbled on this discussion my first day on this site. I have been struggling with who and what to tell. I, too, am very outgoing and tend to say what I'm thinking, but I also agree that there is a very real stigma with WLS. While there is a part of me that wishes and wants for this to be an "easy way out," I know from all the research I've done that it will be anything but. The problem is, most people in our lives don't have even a fraction of the knowledge and understanding we now have after having the decision, researched it, jumped through all the testing/assessment hoops, etc. Yes, it's a powerful tool, but you're so right that the tool won't work without the person behind it using it properly.

After reading everyone's thoughts and decisions on this, I think for now I'm sticking with my plan to tell only a few close friends and family members -- those I know I can count on for positive support. This is my journey to a healthier, happier me, and to the extent that I am able I won't let the world (and people) around me minimize the work, strength, courage, and determination that I am putting behind not just this decision but also the post-op road ahead.

Thanks everyone! REALLY glad to have found this site and forum!

[Jewel-in-the-rough 0]

For me, I have absolutely no shame at all. Unlike others, I do not struggle that I needed this to be healthy. I don't have perfectionist issues and don't feel as if I've let myself down that I didn't do the 'hard' or 'right' way. I do not feel like a failure. And I am very open and outgoing, to the point of shocking people sometimes . All who know me know that TMI does not apply to me! You want info, I'll give you info!! Lol. I am not a private person.

That being said, I've told no one but my closest friends and my hubby and my parents - those who I KNOW will support me. I've learned through years of research with weight loss surgery and being on boards like this for years on the Band, GB, etc, that people are, and can be, very negative. Yes, some are supportive and helpful, but there is, unfortunately, a stigma attached with is unfair and wrong. And I did/do not want to deal with people's biases and opinions. I have a co-worker out of another office down south and we all went to the company holiday party last year and she had lost about 100 lbs in a year. A group of us were standing in a circle telling her she looked amazing and she was just glowing. She was so proud and happy. One person asked her, of course, how she did it and before she could open her mouth, one of her close co-workers said derisively, 'Oh, she had weight loss surgery'. Like she had contracted herpes or something. Well, obviously, her face fell, her glow went away, and in one simple statement, that one person completely minimized everything she had done, everything she had struggled with, every work out, every salad vs. doughnut decision we still have to make. It was so wrong and unfair. And yes, we can tell ourselves that those things won't bother us, and that what we know is what matters, but sorry, it's such bullsh*t. It still hurts and it still minimizes our success and what we have done.

So I decided I wouldn't give people's ignorance, or jealously, or nay-saying (the one that always says, "oh, so-and-so had that done and GAINED IT ALL BACK") a chance to piss on my parade, or negate my accomplishments.

But, I did decide, that if someone overweight asked me, I would completely open and honest with them. To be able to share with them all this wonderful opportunity really is. It's like having the cure for cancer, and when another cancer patient asks you how, you have to tell them! Not quite as extreme, but you know what I mean. You truly WANT to share with someone who knows what struggles and pain you have lived with your whole life.

That was my decision....in a nutshell, lol. I can get a little wordy!!

Yup, controversy here. . . it depends really on how you feel about WLS overall. . .but let me tell you one thing. . once you've had your surgery and are about 3 - 4 months out you are going to see something very very surprising. . . not only will you have lost a bunch of weight and feel good, but suddenly there come the stalls and the slight gains. . . you actually have to work at it. . .this isn't a magic cure for obesity, just a tool, like a hammer lets say. . . in order to get the nail into the wall, YOU have to do the work right? Just like that hammer, this sleeve won't work unless YOU make it work, you still have to watch, very carefully, what you put into your mouth and so on. . . it won't just jump up and do it for you, so it's definately NOT the easy way out. . . the lazy way out is stupid, whoever thought of that saying must be really ignorant. . . anyhow what to tell people is definately up to you and how you feel about the surgery. . . I tell people but then I don't care about their reactions either. . .i did this for me and not for them. . . .good luck!

[putasleeveonit 16]

My family knows. I am sharing this info with the people I know who struggle with weight loss. My 10+ year struggle caused so much pain in my life, and so many missed opportunities. If VSG allows me to get my life back it's only fair to share that information with someone who is also struggling.

I have not shared it with friends who do not struggle with weight. They just don't understand what it's like to struggle with weight loss, and they think the solution is simple (the solution is simple on paper). I've complained about my weight, and yo-yo'ed up and down for over a decade, and my fear was that if I got the surgery and failed to reach my goal and/or maintain my weight loss, it would be extremely humiliating.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

To the OP: I totally know how you feel. It's just that society treats fat people as lazy, dumb and weak, not to mention a burden on the health system, so that people who lost weight the 'traditional way' are considered rehabilitated and no longer indolent. Most of the people I talked to still view the surgery as a 'shortcut', which sustains the presumption that they still see us as lazy and of weak-character. Thinner but lazy.

The truth is that the 'traditional way', that involves diet support groups and/or plans, utter self control and a lot of exercise, is mostly a myth. Statistically speaking, a research conducted in Berkley proved that only 5% of the people who wanted to lose weight have managed to maintain the loss after 5 years. 95% of the test subjects returned to their original weight, or gained extra.

This demonstrates that in most cases, the body is stronger than the mind. Starve it and it'll demand more food. People expect us to do the (almost) impossible, and when we fail repeatedly, it's because something is wrong with our minds.

I hate hearing "why don't you just diet instead" from everyone around me, including my GP (!). I've grown tired of telling people that I've tried dieticians, weight watchers and various plans. I used to exercise every day for 2 years in a row before I'd grown tired. All those plans made me hungrier. I'm choosing to lie on the operation table because I don't want to be so hungry anymore.

My only advise to you is to keep it to yourself. Don't tell anyone if it's not necessary or beneficial to you. I plan to pretend that I was skinny since the day I was born and act as if the fat chapter in my life never existed. They judged me enough, they don't need to know.

This post is so on target, in my opinion.

I am not ashamed of my upcoming WLS, and I have shared my intentions and surgery date with the people who matter to me in my day to day life. Several of them have had WLS of one sort or another, and so far I have not had any real negativity.

I am, however, ashamed of letting myself get to this point. I don't post photos of myself online, I don't want anyone from my past to know (Facebook, etc.) that I have done this to myself. There is no way I could go to a reunion like this.

People love to hate fat people. My own mother is like that. My being fat has been a big disappointment to her. We do not communicate anymore.

My brother knows, although we are not close and just talk twice a year by phone, because he happened to call last week and I am prepping for surgery. He was very supportive as he shares the "family" value that being fat is terrible.

My husband is concerned about my well-being during and after surgery, but I am the luckiest lady in the world in that he is totally supportive anyway, even though he loves me just the way I am. He knows that I am tired of starting each day with the fat cloud hanging over me. He knows I want to be his new wife who will be proud to go places on his arm instead of being terrified that his fat wife is going to limit his career, or cause snickers or mean talk.

I'm proud that I am brave enough to go through this process! Even though I am a tad scared!

[Estella 11]

People love to hate fat people. My own mother is like that. My being fat has been a big disappointment to her. We do not communicate anymore.

I am reading this in tears now. My mother and I have had numerous quarrels regarding my weight, even long after I passed the age-range in which it is still legit to shove her nose into my plate. Ever since I was a toddler, I was taught that "kids will always be cruel to fat people". The irony is that the abuse from my other classmates stopped around the age of 13, when they were no longer so immature, but my mother's abuse, name-calling and accusations never ceased, to this very day. This topic probably justifies a separate thread, I'm sure lots of people have a lot to say on this matter.

You wrote that you and your mother do not communicate. Neither do I communicate with mine.

My sister was the one that held my hand before I entered the OR. She didn't pass a single word of judgement. My mother was emotionally incapable of supporting me, or anyone for that matter. I suggest you google the term "poisonous parenting", you mind find interesting readings.

In my humble opinion, if your mother has the same issues and her behavior is as detrimental to your mental health, do not bother sharing this with her. No good can come out of it.

As for your husband, all the researches and statistics reinforce the notion that the comorbidities of obesity pose a higher risk to one's health than the operation itself. Diabetes is more hazardous than anything, and I recently read that the daily routine that HIV carriers go through is less troublesome than diabetics'. I can't be arsed to find the links, but the death rate from VSG is teenie-weenie - 2-6 people out of 1,000. I find pure science to be more reassuring than faith, positive thinking, trust in god etc.

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Estella, I am so sorry that you and others in our shoes have experienced these terrible feelings, but at least there are people here who get it and can understand.

People like my mother have the right to hate any group they want, but when they start treating other people poorly because of their own problems, that's not okay. My parents won't know about my surgery because we don't talk at all, about anything. Their opinions mean nothing to me. I given it a lot of thought and I don't think the demise of the relationship is my doing, because from what I see, they are lonely and judgmental people, and I have my friends rallying around me for my success.

You are right about the complications of obesity being risky. Fortunately, I haven't had any of the comorbidities (YET) so I am a very active and seemingly healthy fat gal. But in the last year, my knees are really starting to feel it. I really worry what will happen if I don't get this handled now. My husband is supportive of the surgery, he just wants me to know that he loves me so much, just the way I am. I am so lucky to have him!

[circa 333]

Its your body. Its your choice who you tell. Its none of anyone's business if you don't want it to be. I won't be telling people. My husband knows and my sister knows. That is IT. If I choose to tell other people, then that's my business. I won't be telling others in my family because they seem to have their own opinions on just about everything. For example: Why I don't have children. Well, gee. That hole in my uterus and the fact that my medical treatments for that genetic disorder has rendered me unable to carry a child - not to mention, I don't necessarily want children. The response: "oh - you'll want them someday and you'll be sorry you didn't have them now". *blink*blink* nevermind the fact that its physically IMPOSSIBLE for me to have children. So yeah - there's not going to be much talk about any medical decisions I make in my family. Yes, that's right. People in my family admonish me for not having children when I'm physically unable to. The shallow end of the gene pool is full, folks!

[Flagstaffian 31]

I totally understand people's hesitancy to be open about WLS. To people that have not struggled with their weight for DECADES, it might seem like the easy way out....people LOOOOVE to judge others.

For people that know you and love you, that have seen the toll that excess weight takes on your mind, body, and soul, well...they love you and so they should want you to live as long and healthy a life as possible!!

I do worry about what some of my friends and family think, but I have chosen to be completely open about the process. I have been researching and jumping through Kaiser's hoops for 4 months now, so I am trying to get my loved ones warmed up to the idea gradually. Yes, they are worried, and yes, some of them are skeptical that I'm "BIG ENOUGH" (266# and 5'0"?!?! yeah, hell-O?! I need this), but in the end-

people that love you will support you. My people are warming up to the idea, and they will have a lot of time to get used to the new me.

After all, I AM THE ONE LIVING IN THIS FAT BODY, tired of being invisible, tired of wondering if everyone is watching me eat, tired of not being able to shop in "normal stores". I'm 29 years old, and starting to deal with several obesity-related health issues. Unh-unh. Enough is enough. Ultimately, we each have to do what's best for ourselves, and I'm choosing to be proud of that.

And now, for all the naysayers, a quote from Salt-n-Pepa, 1993:

"The moral of this story is:

Who are YOU to judge?

There's only One true judge,

and that's God, so CHILL,

and let my Father do his job!"

There, that should shut 'em up

[runner 53]

I'm not telling anyone. My husband knows and that's where it ends. And even he has told me I'm taking the easy way out. I do feel shame but I also want to save my life, live to see my grandchildren and not have to have my knees replaced in 10 Years