Ashamed of WLS?

[Soon2BMiniMommy 92]

For me, I have absolutely no shame at all. Unlike others, I do not struggle that I needed this to be healthy. I don't have perfectionist issues and don't feel as if I've let myself down that I didn't do the 'hard' or 'right' way. I do not feel like a failure. And I am very open and outgoing, to the point of shocking people sometimes . All who know me know that TMI does not apply to me! You want info, I'll give you info!! Lol. I am not a private person.

That being said, I've told no one but my closest friends and my hubby and my parents - those who I KNOW will support me. I've learned through years of research with weight loss surgery and being on boards like this for years on the Band, GB, etc, that people are, and can be, very negative. Yes, some are supportive and helpful, but there is, unfortunately, a stigma attached with is unfair and wrong. And I did/do not want to deal with people's biases and opinions. I have a co-worker out of another office down south and we all went to the company holiday party last year and she had lost about 100 lbs in a year. A group of us were standing in a circle telling her she looked amazing and she was just glowing. She was so proud and happy. One person asked her, of course, how she did it and before she could open her mouth, one of her close co-workers said derisively, 'Oh, she had weight loss surgery'. Like she had contracted herpes or something. Well, obviously, her face fell, her glow went away, and in one simple statement, that one person completely minimized everything she had done, everything she had struggled with, every work out, every salad vs. doughnut decision we still have to make. It was so wrong and unfair. And yes, we can tell ourselves that those things won't bother us, and that what we know is what matters, but sorry, it's such bullsh*t. It still hurts and it still minimizes our success and what we have done.

So I decided I wouldn't give people's ignorance, or jealously, or nay-saying (the one that always says, "oh, so-and-so had that done and GAINED IT ALL BACK") a chance to piss on my parade, or negate my accomplishments.

But, I did decide, that if someone overweight asked me, I would completely open and honest with them. To be able to share with them all this wonderful opportunity really is. It's like having the cure for cancer, and when another cancer patient asks you how, you have to tell them! Not quite as extreme, but you know what I mean. You truly WANT to share with someone who knows what struggles and pain you have lived with your whole life.

That was my decision....in a nutshell, lol. I can get a little wordy!!

[wishes 125]

I am still getting some mean comments about my weight loss and eating habits from friends, so I tend to keep it to myself and those who are supportive of my weight loss efforts. I am not ashamed of my surgery, but I am not a person who likes receiving rude comments either, so until some people can act more mature I don't think they need to know any information like that about me.

[kellyw74 258]

I told nobody except my husband, not even my own mother knows and she is my bff.!!

I think people can be so negative and just down right mean about the subject. Just the other day, I was talking to my unlce's gf and she was telling me about a friend of her's that had lap band and how she "would never" do something like that!!! why not just diet and exercise and do it "THE RIGHT WAY"!! I was so offended. What is the right way is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. My husband sat there snickering and we laughed later. It isn't like I sit on the couch on my A$$ and eat bon-bons all day long and lose 5lbs at the end of the week. It DOES NOT work that way!!!

But, that is how ignorant people are. They really are un-educated and have not a clue that you still have to exercise and eat right. I have worked harder to lose every lb since my surgery than I ever have in my entire life and THAT MY FRIENDS is THE HONEST TRUTH!! There is not a magic trick or pill. Nothing about this is easy!!!.

I may tell my mom in a couple weeks when I see her-she lives in another state, but for now, only my husband knows. I tell people I eat low carb and high Protein and that I exercise. That is the truth, I just omit the part about the VSG.

Kelly

[Deigh 15]

So glad to see this topic. I started this process telling NO ONE. I had a huge fight with my mom when she told a family friend who asked her about my health. I felt very ashamed and as if it were a sign I failed. Like everyone around me could lose weight without surgery and something must be wrong with me if I can't. Clearly, I just don't have enough willpower, determination, drive, or desire to be thin. Or maybe I'm lazy. I spent a long time beating myself up about it and crying. I told the therapist how much I hated being at this point.

The therapist at the clinic was really helpful. She pointed out that we don't judge people for other things they do to get healthy. No one says to you, "Boy, you'd better stop wearing those glasses! If you'd just squint more, you could totally see the paper!" If we accept the premise that obesity is a disease, then a medical cure isn't something you judge. It just is what it is. Glasses help you see. Surgery can help you lose weight.

It took a while but I think it finally sank in. I have had people try to give me horror stories but I try to head them off by saying, "Oh please don't tell me anything bad. It took me so long to make this decision and I've met with my doctor, therapist, and surgeon. I want to head into this process with only positive vibes so I get the best outcome."

Now I'm about a month from surgery. I'm still not talking about it with many people. I'm not hiding it but honestly, it's none of their business. I don't feel like it's a failure - I feel like it's private. I am telling people if it's something that impacts them...for example, I have a standing Wed night dinner and knitting group with some friends. Some I know well and some I barely know. I'm not going to dinner for the next few weeks due to my liquid diet and then I'll miss knitting due to the surgery and recovery time. I told them a few weeks ago and last night (which was my last pre Optifast meal), they went to my favorite restaurant and we had a last meal together. Not one of them has been anything but supportive.

In fact, one lady who I barely know came up and told me how she called her daughter in law to apologize. A year ago the DIL had a lapband put in and this woman commented to her that if she would just work harder, she would lose the weight without surgery. Seeing what I've been doing to get ready has really affected my coknitter and she called her DIL and said how wrong she was.

I'm selective about it but anyone who knows me knows that I've tried everything under the sun. I didn't wake up this morning a hundred pounds overweight. I even did kickboxing at one point - I was a size 24 and it hurt like crazy but I thought it would work so I did it. Everyone who has found out or I've told has said some variation of "You've tried so much. I hope this is the thing that works for you." Then they have a ton of questions because most of them haven't heard about the sleeve before.

[LoserMama 37]

family and friends I am telling, yes, but I am not telling at work except on a need to know basis. I work from home most of the time and don't see people very often unless I am traveling for business, so they see me sporadically enough that it will just be that I lost weight. I will tell my boss if there are any complications or issues that cause me to miss work of course. I think its important to tell friends and family to get support.

I was not happy with my parents reaction when I told them, it was all fear mongering, "I know this one person who died from weight loss surgery, so therefore, you will die." or "this other lady i knew was miserable and in hell for the rest of her life because her health was so bad after weight loss surgery." To which I calmly return, yes, but both of those people that you mentioned has their surgeries in the 1970's. Um, things have changed a bit since then.

I swear, is there a FAQ for how to respond to each one of these objections to us having WLS?

Hubby and other family and friends have been supportive.

[illgeturhairdid 176]

When I first made the decision I shouted it from the roof top because I was so happy and excited, now I wish I had been a little more particular about who I shared the information with. After a particularly miserable diet earlier this year that everyone knew about, and the subsequent weight regain and extra gain I had been feeling so bad about myself. I wanted people to know I wasn't just letting myself go and letting myself get fatter, I was taking control!

No one that I have shared with has been mean or rude. There have been questions and concerns because they want me to be as informed as possible before I jump into this. The rudest/meanest comments I've heard have been from my mother- but since she weights over 500lbs and does nothing about it- I say screw her!

I know there is a great stigma associated with WLS, however I think there is more to be ashamed about in NOT doing something about it! Good luck to you all!

[italianlady13 80]

I tell everyone. I don't care if I get the negative comments....I just think to myself nanananapoopoo I'm gonna be thinner than you whooo.....

[Lissa 2,631]

I tell everyone, pretty much. I'm not ashamed that I had WLS. If anyone starts in with the horror stories, I just tell them "My doctor told me the weight had to come off or I had one year to live." That usually shuts them up, and it's the truth. I did the whole diet roller coaster, just like most here. Then I got sick and nearly died, not once, but twice.

If WLS will save my life and help me regain my health, I'll have it again and again. And, mine wasn't "the easy way out" either. I had to have a filter/stent installed before WLS, then removed after. I'm a pretty tough gal, but I was SCARED of all three surgeries. But, I'd do all three again...and again...and again, if it will save my life.

I think the stigma attached to weight loss surgery comes from the stigma attached to being obese. Gluttony is a sin in every religion that I know about, so fat people are sinners...or so goes the mindset. Every time I'd fail to lose or regain weight, I'd beat myself up. But, that's not cool or right. I AM a worthy person; ALL of us are worthy people. We have a bad relationship with food, which often stems from other bad relationships.

Those who have WLS not only have to deal with the physical effects of having the surgery, we also have to deal with the mental effects. We basically have no choice but to lose the weight unless we want to deliberately sabotage ourselves. So, once the weight we've been hiding our fears behind comes off our bodies, then we have to deal with those fears. It's not easy.

So, yeah, I tell people all the time. WLS saved my life and is keeping me sane, or making me GET sane. The stigma attached to WLS will never go away until people like us tell others about our surgery and it becomes a mainstream thing to do. And, we're the forerunners for the next generation of people who will have WLS. Our willingness now to talk about WLS makes it more acceptable for those people down the road.

Seriously, it's just like tattoos. When I was a kid, someone with tattoos was "dirty" or a "biker", both of which were scary and weird. Nowdays, my doctor has a tattoo. The gal that cooked my Breakfast this morning is sleeved. Heck, country singers even sing songs about lusting after girls with tramp stamps! You don't get much more "It's okay" than that!

I wish us all luck, whatever we decide to do about telling others. I'm seriously considering a t-shirt that says "Heck yeah, I've had WLS! And I'm proud!"

[Less of Leslie 90]

WOW! I didn't expect the outpouring of support with this topic! i thought I was just being a little silly for not telling people. I am glad to know that I am not the only one that has struggled with the decision on wether to tell or not to tell. I am also very touched by all the support from everyone here. I am so excited to have the surgery in December, and I just may shout it from the mountain tops (so noone can hear me in the city! LOL!! I keed, i keed!! :biggrinjester: ) that I am sleeved and I am PROUD to have made the best decision in my life!

[Estella 11]

To the OP: I totally know how you feel. It's just that society treats fat people as lazy, dumb and weak, not to mention a burden on the health system, so that people who lost weight the 'traditional way' are considered rehabilitated and no longer indolent. Most of the people I talked to still view the surgery as a 'shortcut', which sustains the presumption that they still see us as lazy and of weak-character. Thinner but lazy.

The truth is that the 'traditional way', that involves diet support groups and/or plans, utter self control and a lot of exercise, is mostly a myth. Statistically speaking, a research conducted in Berkley proved that only 5% of the people who wanted to lose weight have managed to maintain the loss after 5 years. 95% of the test subjects returned to their original weight, or gained extra.

This demonstrates that in most cases, the body is stronger than the mind. Starve it and it'll demand more food. People expect us to do the (almost) impossible, and when we fail repeatedly, it's because something is wrong with our minds.

I hate hearing "why don't you just diet instead" from everyone around me, including my GP (!). I've grown tired of telling people that I've tried dieticians, weight watchers and various plans. I used to exercise every day for 2 years in a row before I'd grown tired. All those plans made me hungrier. I'm choosing to lie on the operation table because I don't want to be so hungry anymore.

My only advise to you is to keep it to yourself. Don't tell anyone if it's not necessary or beneficial to you. I plan to pretend that I was skinny since the day I was born and act as if the fat chapter in my life never existed. They judged me enough, they don't need to know.

[illgeturhairdid 176]

I work for a respiratory company that gives out cpap/bipap/ventilators. I speak from experience when I tell you what drains our pockets. It isn't the overweight people on a cpap (which actually isn't as high of a percentage as most would think!). It is the people who come over from DR, PR and other such places, apply for temporary medicaid, get the equipment and all health concerns taken care of and then go back to wherever they came from. THAT is the drain on the health care system!!!

[ATeam 38]

I am struggling with this too! I have told my husband, my parents (dad had VSG), and 4 of my best friends. My husband was at first very unrelenting in the fact that I MUST tell his parents and brother. He is very supportive and has since come to the conclusion that its my body, and I tell who I want, when I want.

I am really nervous abou telling my his family. My mother in law is very opinionated and judgemental, and his brother and sister-in-law are both hardcore gym buffs who excercise everyday, take supplements, and are into body building. I don't want to tell them. Is it so bad that for once in my life I want to be seen as the person who has their weight in control? My losses and gains have been so very painful and public, and I just want to be that "skinny girl" for once in my life. To leave behind the fat little girl who had to eat her lunch in a cupboard because kids would harass her so bad every day in the lunch room. It may be selfish, but its just how I feel.

Are any of you struggling with how to deal with Christmas? I will be a week and a half post-op, so that basically means broth and jell-o for me. My husbands parents aren't close with any of their family so Christmas dinner is very intimate. What do I do? Tell them I'm sick to my stomach? I HAVE to go. Any advice? I may just have to come clean if this is the case.

[Escape_Pod 358]

I've told almost no-one, just my husband and a couple of close friends and coworkers I knew would understand. That may change though, as the weight comes off and I regain my self confidence.

I've gotten quite a few questions at work, as my weight loss has gotten to the point of being really noticeable, and I get some questions when I'm mixing my morning Protein shake in the break room, but I generally tell people I'm eating more Protein, lower carbs, and getting more exercise, all of which is true.

Certainly losing the weight post-surgery is a lot easier that the last time I did it with just diet and exercise (I'm still about 10 pounds above my lowest weight from 5 years ago when I did it on my own), so in that way, I think it is the "easy" way out. But this time I know I have a fighting chance to keep the weight off, and that's what was always impossible for me in the past.

Sometimes I worry that by not telling people I'm perpetuating the myth that fat people could be thin if they just worked at it. But honestly, some people are just going to believe what they believe, and nothing you can say will convince them otherwise.

I think the only thing that matters is that you're comfortable in your own heart and mind with the decision you've made. I decided at some point that I loved myself enough to give me a fighting chance of reaching and maintaining a healthy weight by taking advantage of what medical science has to offer, even though I had to pay for it myself. I'm worth it!

[IslandGrrl 11]

To tell or not to tell...really is a very personal decision. In my case, I was never in any doubt that I would tell anyone who asked or if it came up naturally in conversation.

I may be in a different position from many because while in my 20s I lost over 125 lbs, and kept them off for over a decade, until my thyroid retired (it decided to stop working) in my late 30s. So, I have lost weight the "right" way, and been successful over the long-term. When my weight started to increase, I returned to what had worked for me in my 20s, and IT DID NOT WORK. It was then that I began the very damaging cycle of trying every diet under the sun, losing about 20 lbs, then regaining that and more. I made a well considered decision to have VSG because despite my prior experience and success with significant weight loss, it became apparent that my body was very different now, and I needed to find an alternative that worked.

I listen to those who want to share are their WLS horror stories, and then simply state that everyone's experience is different, and then move on. In my experience most people have been either neutral or supportive, but then I don't give anyone much opportunity to "bring me down" with anecdotes or uninformed opinions. I've done my research, and I'm secure in the decision I've made for myself. I am not ashamed of my decision, and I refuse to accept any stigma that others may want to attach to WLS.

Everyone has different life experiences, and so they will come to different conclusions about what is best for them. My perspective is that each decision is valid, and no one should feel pressured, either to tell or to not tell others about their surgery. If you are at peace with your decision, it is the right one for you, and that should be all that matters.

[guzel 11]

I'm so excitied to be having this surgery. I just want to hold it close and savor it. It's mine, mine, mine and I don't want to share! The only person who knows is my husband and he's promised not to tell anyone. I'm sure once the wt is coming off I'll want to tell more people, but till then it's my happy little secret!