So, it's November....

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And I remember complaining in June about my ins requiring a 6-month supervised weight loss plan.. I have to honestly say that without these last few months of consults and dr visits, I would probably be nuts and still totally oblivious to several things. Basically, this is my manifesto of sorts....

I've learned

• not everyone who has been supportive in your addiction, delusion, destructive behavior (in my case overeating) will support any decision that will encroach on the benefits they are receiving
  
• I don't have to depend on another person's validation, support or acknowledgement of my decisions about my life, yes, nice to have, but It's MY LIFE and I want a better one!! This is my right and no one can stop, change or deny this (I can of course, but I won't!!)
  
• everything I thought about myself, my motives, passion and intentions have come into question, but the victory is this.... I still love myself for who I am and I love myself too much to stay the way I am physically
  
• I am a perfectionist is a way that can be detrimental to my success in life if I dwell on the past and what I can't control... I don't like making mistakes and I felt horrible that I know ALL about the human physiology, nutrition and exercise, thus, I have allowed myself to become morbidly obese... BUT... this same perfectionism will be my catalyst to making great strides with my tools, including the sleeve, an awesome therapist and my new mindset.
  
• I have nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to asking for help with my weight problem.. Alcoholics and drug addicts are scorned or called lazy because they go to AA or NA or rehab. I refuse to be ridiculed into submitting to a life of obesity-related illnesses because some people have nothing better to do than to try and analyze why I'm STILL obese after all these years and what I should try...
  
• people are afraid of change... and so, perhaps I won't be the same "whatever you need, I got it, whatever I have that you need, it's yours" friend, daughter, sister, aunt, associate...Or maybe I will, just a lot smaller physically.... Perhaps having "LESS FAT" will allow me to see clearly what some of these people actually think of me and their true motives behind our relationships and associations..
  
• My weight issues have fueled issues in every other aspect of my life.. food had become the only trustworthy friend and also my worst enemy... I could rely on my Snacks to be there, but they also stood as a reminder that I was not in control!!
  
• Finally, I've learned to release myself from all guilt, condemnation, anger, resentment and bitterness that I've been harboring against ME!! I no longer look in the mirror and shake my head in disappointment because I feel stuck and unable to get out of this rut... I am no longer fearful of trying again.. at anything!! Though, I've tried and not succeeded in successfully losing weight, that will not stop me from giving my ALL this time and every time... I will not be overcome by disappointment any longer..
  

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am COURAGEOUS enough to believe that my life will change for the better. I am not the same person I was in June or in October even. It has little to do with actual physical weight loss (I've lost less than 10 pounds).. it's more so that weight of the mental and emotional torment I've subjected myself too for years and years... These months, this board and many of my new friends have all worked together in what I would like to call Divine Orchestration to help me pen the new song of my life, one the represents each step, heart beat and all the love I have inside.... I will sing my new song, I will BE my new song!!!

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I felt the same way when I found out that my insurance required 6 months of supervised visits with the NUT. Instead of being upset about it, I have used this time to learn as much as I possibly can about this process. Thank you for sharing your experiences...your updates have been very helpful!!!

Little bits