Completely F*%King LOST

[MustangAli 9]

I have been posting lately about how terrible I am doing and this post is nothing different. I need to vent. I just dont undertsand why I cant seem to get my head in the game? At first it was "ok" that I felt this need to eat my emotions, but now, it's not because I know I have stretched my sleeve. I had not been hungry in MONTHS and now, I am hungry all the time. I used to eat a few chips and feel full. A few bites of ice cream, felt full. I was thanking God that even though I wanted to over eat, I just COUL NOT do it. Now, I am feeling little to NO restriction, I feel like I can eat a whole hamburger. I havent tried yet because I know that if I am actually able to, I will just give up on everything. I keep telling myself that I didnt go through all of this for nothing. I did it for a reason, and I have so muich more to go...but I continue to binge. I graze. I eat steadily ALL day. There is always something in my mouth. I drink soda, I drink beer, I eat ice cream, I eat chips, I dont work out as much as I should. WHY am I doing this?!!?

I know you all dont have the answers, and Im not really feeling sorry for myself, it's my own fault and I know that, I gained 3 pounds. What the eff is wrong with me?!?!

I just need to vent.

I dont know what it is going to take for me to get back on track. I look at my before pics and even those dont motivate me. Im seriously depressed, and I think I have just lost all of my motivation. I just dont care anymore...

[illgeturhairdid 176]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I have read on these board about a pouch test you might be able to try to help get your pouch back in order. I understand what you are going if I haven't had surgery yet. In one week of not following my nutritionists diet and getting sick I gained back 3-4 pounds of the 10 I had lost. I feel your pain on a certain level. You can do this. And even if you did stretch your pouch, I doubt it is the size it used to be. Just get back on your diet plan and maybe make an appointment to see your nutritionist.

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

My suggestions are in two separate areas - 1) work on finding out why you are sabatoging yourself, and 2) external controls you can use until you get your "internal" controls back in order.

On finding out why you are sabatoging yourself - have you considered talking to a counselor experienced with weight loss patients? If you can't find one with that experience, one who is used to working with other addictions (other than food)? If you are against talking to a counselor - You are going to have to be a dective and find out what are your triggers that are causing you to go out of control. Keep a food diary that talks about what you were feeling each time you ate something - what at that time was motivating you to put food in your mouth. Also, note the times. If you do this diligently for two weeks, you will have enough data to discern the patterns. Once you know what the triggers are, then you can figure out ways to address them.

For the external controls - where are you getting all of these foods you shouldn't be eating? Beer, ice cream, chips, etc? In your house? If so - get rid of them. Don't buy them. If you don't have the strength to get rid of them-have a friend come over and get rid of them for you. Newly "dry" alcoholics do not live in a house with alcohol. And you should have a plan each day of what you are going to eat and when that you try to stick to.

If you want to PM me, feel free to. I wish you the best of luck getting in control.

[Shae 44]

I have some of the same emotions that you are going through. I became addicted to apples in the 7th grade, was a smoker by 8th grade, have been on and off various drugs, and finally when I got myself together and quit everything except cigarettes on 9/9/99, I turned my addiction to food in general. It got really bad when I quit smoking 12/17/2003. I finally figured out what it was about four years ago. I was surfing the web eating what was once a family size bag of Doritos and came across a WeightWatchers ad. I "thought" that I might try it because at that time I was 226 lbs. That thought led to anxiety and although I had already eaten most of the bag of Doritos, I felt starving. That was the moment that I knew I had transferred my addiction.

12 step programs are not my thing but they work for some. What has worked for me is the knowledge that I will always be a food addict or an addict of something. I just need to try to get addicted to something beneficial to me or someone else. Now the question is what...

Counseling has helped me alot. I have found that seeing a LCSW rather than a Psychiatrist or Psychologist is more beneficial. They seem to be more interested in helping you rather than pushing this product or that med or this book, etc. But the key is finding someone you can connect with. It is very hard to do.

I can tell you with authority that beating yourself up and being down on yourself will only make things worse. You need to try to wake up one morning and just do the following:

1. Go immediately to the mirror and proclaim as loud as you can, "I AM BEAUTIFUL! I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO! I AM STRONG!" (or something to that effect. You will feel a little silly at first but then you will believe it.

2. Let yourself cry and mourn the loss of the person you use to be pre-surgery. Sounds silly I know, but you divorced the pre-surgery person when you had most of your stomach removed. If you have not let go of the old you, your new you cannot shine through.

3. If you know that you are going to crave something, don't allow it in your house (or at least not in an area of the house that you occupy). I have a teenage son who is 5'11" and all of 125lbs soaking wet. He has to keep his high calorie stuff in his room so that I do not have to see it.

4. You did this for you.

I don't have all the answers and Lord knows I have my moments, but we all have to realize that they are just that, moments. They do not define us.

I hope that this helps!

Shae

[MustangAli 9]

Thank you all so much for the replies. Danielle, you have the right attitude and Im sure you'll do fine! Go get em! SK, I sent you a PM kind of venting some more.

Shae....WOW

Can you come live in my back pocket and talk to me everyday?? Thank you so much.

[Shae 44]

Not yet... Maybe once I loose the extra person I'm carrying around! LOL!

[thinoneday 445]

Shae, what a beautiful post! I loved that. . and it is all so true. We all suffer from our obesity, I don't care who you are. . if you were obese and had this surgery, I believe on the inside we all are still that person even though we shine on the outside. . we all have pasts and hurts that haunt us and will always haunt us. . .i don't believe there is a psychologist alive that can remove all the hurts etc completely. . . it is only you who can change you. . . how true that is! Thank you for posting this fabulous post. . .

Mustangali, i feel for you girl, but like the others have said, you are in control of what you put into your mouth. . . I think you know very well that ice cream, chips, etc is not good for you or your sleeve. . . i really don't think your sitting there saying "really, I didn't know that" you've lost 100+lbs and that is fantastic. . .look where you came from. . . your probably in that area of weight loss where i am now too. . .your body just can't (or won't) do it anymore. . . you have it where your going to be for a while now. . . I've been there for almost 1 year. . . but i love me and i did well. . one of my cyberbuddies here on the forum told me something that has stuck with me. . she said "YOU ARE A SUCESS". . . and yes I am. . . I am a success but I got here not by eating ice cream and chips. . . I got here because i wanted too. . . good luck and hopefully it'll hit you soon and you'll be back on track. . . good luck again.

[shannonbcaldwell 4]

Sorry, but i am new to the site. Did you have the sleeve surgery and stretched it? Will it not shrink back down if you get your eating under control? I stretched every part of my body..lol.................god, life hurts when you are fat.

[Tiffykins 673]

You're probably at that point where your sleeve has matured and you can eat a lot more than you could early out, it happens to all of us. It happened for me around 8-9 months post-VSG, and to this day, I still have the same restriction with dense Proteins and solid, nutrient dense foods. Give me a bag of cheetos and I can eat the entire bag without restriction. The most difficult part of this surgery is making the best decision and changing your food behaviors. It's all about choices, and no matter what your issue is be it emotional eating, stress eating, just eating to eat, or whatever the reason, identifying, and addressing your triggers is going to be the only way you can guarantee success. I have to still make the best choice on what I put in my mouth or I'll gain weight. The sleeve only does so much. I do not know one single, naturally thin woman who is my age that could eat like I did pre-op, or just eat a bunch of craptastic food and NOT gain weight. So, I had to realize that skinny chicks have to watch what and how much they eat as well. They can't just eat crap food all the time and be healthy and skinny. It's just not a reality, and for some reason I think when we have surgery, we expect that the sleeve will keep us on the straight and narrow for life. Sadly, that's just not the case. It's all up to us, our brains and our behaviors/habits to really tackle life post-op, and keep the weight off.

Counseling, and a solid support group might serve you well.

Also, google the 5 day Pouch test. Even though we do not have a pouch, it can get your back on track. I refuse to do the all liquid aspect of it, but I will completely eliminate carbs and eat no more than 30gr of carbs per day to get back to eating Protein first, and no bullsh*tting my way through it.

[emily_0192010 168]

Well, it seems like you have already received the best advice possible, and since there really isn't anything else to add here is my contribution:

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Feel better You will get over this! You are a strong, beautiful woman and you have already done the right thing by reaching out for help. I can't wait to read your posts in the weeks/months to come.

[Lissa 2,631]

The only thing I can add to the excellent advice above is this: We sleeved our stomachs, not our heads. Doing the sleeve work on our heads is just as important as the surgery we went through, but it's WAY harder, IMO.

At my psyche appt, the counselor told me that I have an addictive personality and I will always be addicted to something. She went so far as to tell me that I WILL become an alcoholic, but she still gave me the approval for surgery! I started seeing a counselor several weeks ago, for the addictive behavior and some other issues related to my weight. WLS is not her area of specialty, but she's helping me see where and why I mistreat myself. Once I know those things, and it takes time to learn, then I can remove the bad stuff.

I agree with removing the temtation foods from the house if you can't bring yourself to use moderation with them. Maybe, once you're back on track, you can learn how to work those things into your diet in a healthy way. For me, knowing that I can have sweets or chocolate later makes it easier to give them up now.

Good luck on your journey! You've done great so far, so this is just a bump in the road for you. You will succeed!!!

[SLL 6]

So much great advice has been given here. I suffer from depression...which I believe I inherited from my Dad's side of the family. I manage it with Prozac. But, having said that, I still have a day here or there when I feel at the end of my rope, angry, depressed, hopeless in some respects. However......time ALWAYS changes it for me...without a doubt. For me, I have to redirect myself from what is bothering me & from my current location. I have to get out of the house, do something different & get a fresh outlook. Take a drive in the car & sing as loud as you want to some great music. Or, volunteer to help someone else. I always feel "accomplished" after I have done something nice for someone else. Go to a movie. Go for a run. Call someone...anyone...to just see what's up with them. Get around some other people...go out with friends. Talking is therapeutic!

This whole thing is mind over matter. I'm not so great at that. Anyway, you need something that will make you feel better...but that won't be harmful to you.

Also, I keep reading on this site that if u drink Water when you are hungry, it will satisfy you. Anyway, you are beautiful!!! Hang in there...one day at a time...baby steps! BTW, maybe finding a WLS support group would be helpful? (((HUGS))) Be strong! YOU CAN DO THIS! Just use your resources.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

My suggestions are in two separate areas - 1) work on finding out why you are sabatoging yourself, and 2) external controls you can use until you get your "internal" controls back in order.

On finding out why you are sabatoging yourself - have you considered talking to a counselor experienced with weight loss patients? If you can't find one with that experience, one who is used to working with other addictions (other than food)? If you are against talking to a counselor - You are going to have to be a dective and find out what are your triggers that are causing you to go out of control. Keep a food diary that talks about what you were feeling each time you ate something - what at that time was motivating you to put food in your mouth. Also, note the times. If you do this diligently for two weeks, you will have enough data to discern the patterns. Once you know what the triggers are, then you can figure out ways to address them.

For the external controls - where are you getting all of these foods you shouldn't be eating? Beer, ice cream, chips, etc? In your house? If so - get rid of them. Don't buy them. If you don't have the strength to get rid of them-have a friend come over and get rid of them for you. Newly "dry" alcoholics do not live in a house with alcohol. And you should have a plan each day of what you are going to eat and when that you try to stick to.

If you want to PM me, feel free to. I wish you the best of luck getting in control.

Excellent post and I really couldn't have said it any better myself.

(((((hugs))))) This journey is truly a tough one. Touch on the support here. Please let us know how you're holding up.

Perhaps it will be helpful to know that no one is perfect. I'm sure everyone on Earth has done something they aren't particularly proud of. I'm one of them! I was never perfect in my journey, but I knew when it was time to pick back up and move along.

Wishing you the best!!!

[itscometothis 12]

My hats off to you for a fabulous rant of feelings. I love that. If it makes you feel any better you made me smile because you are a wonderful reminder of the truth of all of this. The truth is, eventually you can eat a whole lot of crap and if you do you will be back in that sinking dingy that you were once in. I have a dingy too.. we all do. Try to get yourself on the SHIP and sail it. It's better to be the Captain of the ship than the dude with ripped clothes on the dingy..lol Hugs to you!

[GetInMyBelly 80]

I like this thread n believe we can all relate and benefit from it . ;0)