female only New attention from the opposite sex......

[Julie76 251]

New attention from the opposite sex...... Is driving me crazy!

Ok, So I have told y'all I manage a bar part time..... I have been having to work a lot lately and Tuesday night I got three phone numbers put in my tip jars. Now, I think that this is suppose to be a good thing. Right?

You see here is my issue..... I have a wonderful boyfriend..... but things haven't been great lately and all the attention I have been getting (or he thinks I have been getting) is changing him. He use to be confident and he had a great security about him. Now all I hear is how I can do so much better and he has gotten so insecure. I hate this. Have I done this to him? I thought I was doing something good for both of us. I have watched the most amazing man I have ever met turn into so many I have left in the past. My love and attraction to him hasn't changed one bit. I don't understand why this is happening. I want him to be proud that other men look at me and know that not one of them will ever have me because I'm with him.

What do I do? Someone can only reassure someone so much until they get fed up and walk away. I don't want to do that.

I'm so sad right now...... My future with him was looking so bright and now I see that wonderful light slowly dimming.

Anyone else have this problem? what can I do to make this better?

[Paul11011 372]

Welcome to the fun side of WLS, relationship issues. The first thing I want you to know and I mean really know, is that you have not done anything to him nor done anything wrong. Got that, good, it's not your fault.

What is most likely happening is that his underlying insecurities, that he has always had, are now coming to the surface because of the increased attention coming your way (again not your fault). He had previously been content with his insecurities because after all he had you, but the heavier, not likely to leave him you. Now the new you, in his mind has so many more options, that his insecurities are telling him that since you have the new found options, you MUST want to be with somone better than him. Irrational or not (which it is) this is what he is thinking.

He is going to have to learn how to deal with his issues, which will be helped by you being supportive and encouraging, but ultimatley he will need to solve for himself. One suggestion I would have is for you to remind him of how great you two have always been, even when you were heavier, and that he deserves to be with the new you, and that the other "options" you have now would have never before been interested.

Good luck, but keep in mind this is also a process and will not happen overnight.

[Julie76 251]

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I just hope this doesn't continue to be a problem because I do love him so much. I want him to be the person I fell in love with.

[Julie76 251]

So.... things are getting worse! I thought telling him how I was feeling would make things better but NOOO! Now he comes to my work just to see if people are hitting on me. Just don't know if I can handle this.

[Rootman 1,101]

It happens to the guys too. Although, pretty hilariously, I get the most attention at the Senior center where I workout - I'm only 50 but there are plenty of old bitties that have paid me a compliment or two.

[Julie76 251]

Thanks for making me smile.

I don't understand how people can change so easy. I haven't changed. Maybe I smile a little more because I'm happy.. Wear different (cuter) clothes (because I needed some that fit)... And yes, men are paying more attention.... But I'm a bartender...and have been since he met me. I always like the fact that he trusted me.. didn't question me about all the guys hitting on me. Even when I was 232lbs drunks still hit on me. He didn't question it then, why now? Don't get me wrong... a little jealousy is a good thing, but now he wants me to quit my job!???? He hasn't even asked me to marry him. I am so ready to say "SHUT UP and get over it already". Sorry just venting. :banghead:

[Rebel 9]

Bottom line you are still the same person

he fell in love with. Sure you get more attention

now but he loved you before. Tell him that

means more to you than anything that someone

else could offer now. This is about his insecurities

and only he can fix that. He should take the

attitude of she's with me eat your heart out. Hang

in there. Pray about this. He has to trust you or

you have bigger issues.

[Rootman 1,101]

Glad to brighten your day! We human beings are a shallow lot and sad to say men typically comprise the shallow end of the gene pool. It's curious how tastes change, up to a few hundred years ago FAT women - who projected fertility with their amble waists and bosoms - were the ones being chased after!

I hope you work things out with the SO, this is a BIG change and while I "tend" to agree with what Rebel mentions above, in reality you are NOT the same person, being happier, more confident and proud of yourself changes a person, and, sad to say, may have an effect on a relationship based on less than full respect. YES, you've changed, a LOT outside and perhaps a LITTLE inside but you are still in the relationship and him blowing up and demanding you quit your job just isn't pushing your relationship in the right direction.

Please, if you want the relationship to continue, consider professional counseling.

[Julie76 251]

I'm trying to be as understanding as possible. I'm trying to let him adjust. I love him and I'm sure this too shall pass. At least I pray it does.

[italianlady13 80]

ok, well I can say this. Do you remember when you were heavier and felt insecure? Ok ok ok not everyone who is heavy is insecure. Well, I sure was and I can tell you it ruined many a relationship because those guys just didn't get it. HOWEVER, if you were like me and felt insecure when you were heavy then you can empathize with him and related to how he feels. Reassurance is definately annoying but as you said, the guy was the greatest boyfriend and you saw a future with him. Give him some more reassurance and some more time to adjust to the new slimmer you....

also he loved you THEN and he loves you now. At least with him you know that he would not leave you for weight issues, you don't know that about the other guys. You know he's not shallow and just into you for looks, you don't know that about the other guys should you leave him over this and find someone new....just some food for thought, no pun intended.....

[Julie76 251]

You are so right. I was totally insecure being heavier because I felt like it just wasn't me. That being said.... He was the macho man with the some what arrogant personality that I was attracted to. Now he acts like a whipped pup when it comes to being scared I will leave him for something better. As far as him loving me when I was heavier and still loving me.... He told me the other day that he likes me way better now and told me I had better not gain it back. So yeah.... There's that arrogance I like but not when it comes to my weight. Something he would have never done before. I know I have to pick my battles and I hope this will all calm down soon but I hope the more I lose, he won't become more of a jackass.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I think this IS a pretty big problem that could become ugly. Asking you to leave your job is not cool. I think you can be reassuring, and all that, but unless he recognizes that HE has the problem in the relationship at this point... then he will continue to feel threatened by other mens advances. He is helping to fulfill his own worst nightmare! Would he go to couples counseling? Read up on this? (self help books) I know you are attracted to macho men... and it sounds like this may be the down side to that...controlling you when HE feels out of control. My husband has asked me if I have been spending time with my boyfriend while he was gone out of town... he was "joking" but that comment came from somewhere... he has a hard time hearing my reassurances when I give them too. I think he is right that there are more choices for you(and me too) out there... maybe not a bunch of real great choices, but choices none the less. If he keeps doing what he is doing, one of those choices will start to look pretty good as an alternative. He... you both as a couple need some help. (My 2 cents) Perhaps he might read this thread to see what your feeling in writing?

[Julie76 251]

With all honesty I do love him. However, I have been through man hell in this life time and will not tolerate it again. I am a very happy person and he has started to bring me down. I am already in counseling for me and asked him if he wanted to go with me. I was thinking that maybe it was me getting the feeling of fleeing a relationship again (which I am notorious for). He had a fit saying that he didn't need help and neither did I for that matter. So counseling is out for him and I have just been trying to get my therapist to help me with these issues. We have been dating for 10 months now. Maybe this is just the real him??? If that's the case I will just have to cut him loose and move on because I will not live the rest of my life this way. I almost did it yesterday but decided to talk to him one more time. Things seem to be better but I haven't been back to work yet since Saturday when he demanded me quit that job. FYI... I have two jobs. A very respectable full time job and the bar tending helps me afford things for my girls that I otherwise wouldn't be able to afford. He thinks I don't need them both but he's not the one that pays my bills. Sorry if this sounds a little bitchy. I don't mean it to be but I am tiring of his bs real fast. Thank you all for the great advice. Please keep it coming.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I had to come to the sad conclusion that just loving someone may not mean we are meant to be together forever. This may not be the case for you and him.. but then again.... I have had to "cut him loose", and it was hard, but I have to say, that after the event, I felt much better... Best of luck in your relationship.

[thinoneday 445]

Ok, now my fluff is up. . . wants you to quit your job???? That is all part of possible domestic violence acts. . no he's not hitting you, but he seems to want to control you. . . checking up on you at your work? Oh no. . . there is a power and control issue going on here girl. . . BEEEE VERRRRYYY CARRREFFULL HERE. . . . . good luck