Relationships?

[cacilluf 27]

Hi, this is my first post and my surgery date is January 17th (can't wait!!!!!) and I have a question that I haven't found an answer for yet:

How has the surgery affected your relationships with friends, family, and spouse?

I'm mostly concerned about how it will affect my husband. We are both overweight and although I've always at least TRIED to be healthy he really hasn't. We've talked about it and decided that as long as communication is open we will be fine, but I worry that because I won't be cooking all his "comfort foods", combined with the fact that I'll be losing weight, that he might resent it a little.....

Has anyone out there experienced anything like this?? Should I be worried at all or is this me over thinking the situation?

Thanks!

Christina

[Rev Me Up! 75]

A lot of people have problems with relationships after surgery. Friends, husbands, wives, etc. It is good that you are already talking about it with your husband - at least the door is open to talk about the emotions that come up.

I have been lucky that my partner has been 100% supportive. Not so much about the weight, but I found I that I was very self-involved after surgery. I am always thinking about what I can eat, when I can eat, if I am uncomfortable, etc. I talked so much about what I was going through and he really has been great through the whole thing.

This is a tough journey, but well worth it.

[yecats 109]

I was curious about that also.

I have not been sleeved yet but I what I recall reading on here basically is if your relationship is strong going in, it will only be stronger afterwards. On the other hand, if it is stressed approaching, it tends to be more stressful post being sleeved.

I am sure that is not always the case just basically the perception I had.

[longer-life 139]

I don't think you are over thinking this. You might want to search on this website. There have been posts about this. Seems some husbands want to "claim" their wives in front of others, some wives get jealous of the attention their husbands get, others have had to go to counseling etc

[Sammi25 18]

its a big change especialy if one person goes through it and the other doesnt its important to discuss the health benefits over the food. i found myself talking too much bout food and had to wrangle that in to not annoy the crap out of others. once i did that my friends were more open to asking me about things. its just a balance but my surgeon told me that this surgery forces you to put yourself first which is something a lot of us DONT do which is why we end up over weight and unhealthy. good luck to you and we are all going through it together!

[Raine 170]

It is an issue for a lot of couples but like someone else said if you have a strong relationship and keep communication open it will just get better. Be mindful about howmuch you do talk about food and weight loss and the surgery, it tends to take up all our brain space. Thank goodness for the forum because I would have driven my hubby crazy a long time ago if I didn't have this outlet, thats not to say that I haven't sent him to the brink a couple of times either. If you are the one that does most of the cooking in the house I would suggest you teach him how to cook his favorite meals and explain to him how this would be really hard for you to do in the beginning stages. If this is something that won't work, then maybe make those meals for one enmass and freeze/refrigerate them so he can have them through out the week without you having to deal with cooking them every day. I will say that my hubby has been great throughout most of this process. He does 99% of the cooking and always asks what Protein I want for dinner. He still cooks what he and our son wants to eat too, but in this process he has cut out a lot of the carbs like rice bread etc and they have both benefitted from it. Both my hubby and son are big guys too. Hubby wants to get the surgery too but has heart issues and has to see if his cardioligist will give him the go ahead. Once your hubby sees how great you are doing he may change his tune and do this with you. BTW, your surgery date is a great one LOL it is my anniversary and I will be married for 15 years then. Good luck on your journey!

[clk 3,519]

Definitely search the forums here for this one, because I know it's been addressed and discussed before - and you'll see plenty of other stories that way.

My situation isn't the same - my husband is a pretty fit guy military guy. However, I can honestly say that almost every relationship has changed somewhat since surgery last year.

Part of that is me changing and part of that is how the people around you deal with your changes. A lot of women I thought were my friends didn't want to be so friendly once I dropped the weight. My husband has never liked thin women, and while I do not see myself as thin he does and it's less attractive to him. We had a pretty solid marriage prior to my operation though, so we're getting through this.

I am still slowly changing (both physically and emotionally) and this is affecting how I view the relationships in my life and what I'm willing to tolerate. I have cut entire groups of people out of my life post op, because once my body was healthier it was easier for my mind and heart to just drop the toxic relationship.

Anyway, take it slow and try to talk about things with your husband as you go through this process. My husband felt that I was being selfish - he never felt I needed to lose weight - and if we hadn't talked about it he might have wound up resentful and angry down the line.

Just my two cents. Good luck, and those months before your surgery will fly by, I swear.

~Cheri

[thinoneday 445]

Well what can i say, it really depends on how strong the relationship with hubbie/wife really is. . my hubbie was really worried about the outcome of the surgery. . he wasn't worrying about how thin i would get. . his problem was what if the weight loss can't be stopped and i would die of starvation or something like that. . . i and the doctor consoled his fears and now at 2 years out, i have stopped loosing weight and maintaining pretty well. . . he can see that i'm eating "normally" (small amounts but eat everything) and that I'm not going to die from starvation. . . he is ok with things now and all it took was love, reassurance, and a gentle voice. . .

They may get all jealous cause they think the minute you lose the weight your going to run off with some hunk whose all lean, mean, jellin' machine. . . but heck you can tell them, why would you go through all that re-training all over again??? hehehe. . . men are so insecure. . .

As far as friends are concerned, does that aspect really matter? Who really gives a flip if the friends are happy with you or not? They don't live with you, they don't love you. . so who really cares about that? Family, well family is family, they are always going to be there and no matter what they love you for who you are. . . they will get all krunk with you about this and tell you this and that, but always remember they love you and will always be there for you no matter what. . .

Good luck! Your' going to do ok!

[DisneyAddict 10]

Christina, the fact your husband seems to be supportive of your having the surgery already puts you at an advantage. There are a lot of heartbreaking posts here where the spouse is totally against it. My husband wasn't against the surgery itself because of what it would do, but because he was scared of something happening to me on the table. I can't fault him for that. He lost his dad on an emergency room table so I totally understand his feelings and connecting the two.

My husband, even though we had a shaky start to this whole journey, has been wonderful. He's really enjoyed the "side effects" of what this surgery has done for me. I have more energy to pitch in with physical work, I've got my confidence back, sex is better, I'm happier.. etc! He says it's like he got his old Me back from even before we were dating. I haven't stopped cooking like I used to. In the beginning, I cooked a lot in the crock pot so he could have a meal that'd meet his needs and I wouldn't have to look at all this food. Throw it in the crock and be done with it. It saved my sanity. I tried to make things heavier on the Protein count and lower on the carb count but considering he's got a high physical activity job, I didn't make too much of a fuss. If I didn't want to eat what he was having, I'd have something else. Funny enough, he's dropped about 80 pounds as well since I got sleeved. Now we're both in the mindset of wanting to look good for each other and trying to accomplish that.

Good luck on your surgery! January's a great time to get sleeved. I'll be 1 year out 1/25. I picked January so I'd have a whole year ahead of me to do what I needed without the pull of "holidays" lurking.