I lost weight, but people around me were effected

[Reddi4change 27]

I am having the same response from my two best friends when I told them I have decided to have this procedure done. They think I am being lazy and not trying hard enough to lose weight. One of my friends told me to not call her when I'm upset about my hair falling out. I really expected them to be more supportive.

They dont understand the chemistry behind your body not letting go of the weight even with you dieting. If you have a medical problem, you go get it taken care of, that's what you are doing. They will be ok!

[Shanny 70]

Well, this weekend me and my girl went away to the ocean. It was a weekend filled with crying and yelling (mostly on my part) - long story short, we got back together. She missed me as much as I missed her. She apologized for her behavior, but admitted that now everyone finds me more attractive and she started to feel like she needed to do something to keep me looking at her and not everyone else. I explained to her that I didn't have weight loss surgery to jump start her to make any changes. She's perfect to me. She an average size and average weight. I was always short, and fat. Before my surgery she was a 12 and I was a 22. Now, she's still a 12 and I'm a 6-8. There's nothing wrong with her. She's beautiful, and she carries herself like she's the best thing since sliced bread. That's how I see her, too. But, my new body has brought out her own insecurities that she never talked to me about before. I didn't know that she was unhappy with her weight, and that she now feels selfconcious because she feels like she has to compete with people who now approach me and outwardly show that they are attracted to me. Let me say this, I am by NO means some sexy beast now! But going from no one approaching me to random people approaching me when we go out really did a number on her. I don't pay any attention to it because I know where my heart is. Apparently, she did.

I think we've reached an understanding. We got back together.

As wonderful as I feel right now, I have to admit that I took this weekend to indulge in every self destructive behavior I know. I ate nothing but Oreo Cookies and potato chips, literally, all day Saturday. In fact I ate Oreos so much that I started throwing up. As soon as I threw up, I'd start eating them again. I just wanted the comfort that food used to give me, and it wasn't there. No matter how many Cookies or chips I tried to stuff into my face it didn't make me feel any better. It didn't even soothe the pain at all. I ended up getting pissed after she took the bag of cookies from me and threw them in the trash. Then I started drinking. Can't drink carbinated beverages, so after I tried to drink beer and thought I was going to die from hiccups and belching, I tried Vodka. After a few sips and it went straight to my head! I used to be able to hold my liquor.

Damn this sleeve! I swear it's like anti every self distructive trick I know. God, it's so frustrating! It's great because it won't let me damage myself, but until I learn when to employ the coping skills that my therapist talked to me about I don't know what to do with myself when I feel out of control. It's funny that I couldn't remember a single coping skill that I worked with my therapist on in the middle of feeling this body wrenching pain from a broken heart. It was just easier to go back to what I always used to do. But, this damn sleeve wouldn't cooperate!

In all honesty, I'm so glad it didn't! But yesterday, during the height of me acting like Sybil, I really just wanted it to give in so I could feel better.

All in all, with every negative that has come as a result of my sleeve, I wouldn't change it for the world! I would have the surgery again in a heartbeat! It's really put a lot of things in perspective for me. It's torn some relationships apart, and hopefully has just brought me and girl closer together.

I still think it's odd how my weight loss journey has changed the lives of those around me, when I haven't changed on the inside at all!

[feedyoureye 3,087]

great thread!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Awwww Shanny... while I'm glad to hear you and your SO are back together I do kinda worry a bit about your state of mind. I see you have "be easy" in your sig line. Well, you've gotta do that for yourself.

I think there are a lot of us who go through some type of identity crisis with the new "us". Be patient with yourself and if someone loves you enough they will be patient with you too. Hugs and blessings...

[SLL 6]

Wow! MNBSLEEVE, your post almost brought me to tears. I pasted the Mandela passage for my journal I will take to surgery. Thank you for that! You know, really, if you think about it, we lose both ways with certain people...we are insignificant to some when we are overweight & we are offensive to others after we lose our weight. I've always been told that I can't please everyone all the time...and believe me, I try! I try way too hard, sometimes at the expense of my own self, whether it be sleep deprivation, overbooking myself, helping someone do something I greatly do not want to do, etc. This journey may be the perfect time to start doing more for me and less for others in some regards...I don't mean to be selfish. I think it is VERY important to help others every chance I get. But, to find the perfect balance between serving others & nurturing/respecting my own needs & wants. Does that make sense?

Anyway, Shanny, your post was thought-provoking. I am sorry for your loss. I had a friendship loss 1 year ago (not weight-related) also where I just had to cut this person out of my life bc she was very manipulative, controlling & hated my husband...pushing me (forcing me really) to divorce. (She had divorced also bc her husband forgot to stop dating other women after they got married). She was an asset in some ways, but I realized that she was toxic to my marriage & I had to walk away so as to not live in chaos and turmoil anymore. It is sad & I hate that, but I had to take responsibility for me & my family. Such is life. We just can't please everyone. We have to be true to ourselves:-)

[mnbsleeve 87]

SLL, I'm glad you liked the Nelson Mandela Quote. It inspires me all the time to keep moving forward. And you make perfect sense. I agree with you completely about self care and balance. I know I became a better parent, better partner, better friend, worker, etc., when I started taking care of myself and attending to some of my needs. I would joke that finally I was ON my own list! Eventually I made it to the top 10 in priorities. The surgery was the final move to the top! LOL I learned not to think of it as "selfish," In fact, that was the biggest "aha," to realize that taking care of myself is a responsibility.

Best of luck on your journey. Sounds like you have your surgery coming up!!!! Woo Hoo!!! Some exciting times ahead!!!!!

Wow! MNBSLEEVE, your post almost brought me to tears. I pasted the Mandela passage for my journal I will take to surgery. Thank you for that! You know, really, if you think about it, we lose both ways with certain people...we are insignificant to some when we are overweight & we are offensive to others after we lose our weight. I've always been told that I can't please everyone all the time...and believe me, I try! I try way too hard, sometimes at the expense of my own self, whether it be sleep deprivation, overbooking myself, helping someone do something I greatly do not want to do, etc. This journey may be the perfect time to start doing more for me and less for others in some regards...I don't mean to be selfish. I think it is VERY important to help others every chance I get. But, to find the perfect balance between serving others & nurturing/respecting my own needs & wants. Does that make sense?

Anyway, Shanny, your post was thought-provoking. I am sorry for your loss. I had a friendship loss 1 year ago (not weight-related) also where I just had to cut this person out of my life bc she was very manipulative, controlling & hated my husband...pushing me (forcing me really) to divorce. (She had divorced also bc her husband forgot to stop dating other women after they got married). She was an asset in some ways, but I realized that she was toxic to my marriage & I had to walk away so as to not live in chaos and turmoil anymore. It is sad & I hate that, but I had to take responsibility for me & my family. Such is life. We just can't please everyone. We have to be true to ourselves:-)

[clk 3,519]

Shanny,

I'm glad that you and your gal reconciled. Sometimes we don't realize what the people around us are going through and I'm glad you guys were able to talk about this and share openly. My husband was incredibly frustrated and insecure and I had no idea until his little comments annoyed me to the point that I confronted him. He needed to talk about what was bothering him and have his say before he could be more comfortable. It's taking some time but he's slowly accepting that this is my body, even if he liked the old one, and that I'm not going to gain the weight back. It's amazing how the people we love can be so supportive in some ways but so scared and resentful in other ways. I hope you two will continue to talk and keep your feelings about this open so you can avoid problems later.

I will encourage you to talk to a counselor about overeating. I am no professional but it sounds like you have classic overeater habits and use food for consolation and to numb painful emotions. Talk to someone, or at the least join an online forum with overeaters that use the same coping skills.

A big part of having the surgery is to lose weight. It's to be all those things we weren't before - thinner, happier, healthier. But another thing this surgery gives us is the chance to work through all of the emotional garbage, bad coping skills and ugly life events that helped us get fat in the first place. You will be a much happier person overall if you work on these things, slowly but surely.

I recently read a short book - a quick and easy read - called "Hungry" by Allen Zadoff. He's not pro-surgery at all, but it talks about the emotional attachments we have to food and how he dealt with them. You might like it if you pick it up at your local library. He doesn't prescribe a diet plan or a way to live your life, though. He just shares his experiences. I related to parts of the book and disagreed with others, but I think that overall there is something useful to be gained from this book if you try to eat past your emotions, something I'm guilty of, too.

Best of luck to you guys. Really. Relationships take a lot of work and a lot of communication and if you guys just keep communicating the good and the bad I'm sure you'll be just fine.

~Cheri

[CarrieNita 1]

This is a great thread. You have given me so much to think about.

I pray for peace and healing for all of us.

[Shanny 70]

Cheri,

Thank you so much for you kind words. I'm going to get the book. I know that I have an emotional attachment to food. It's funny because before the surgery, I had no idea. Boy, do I know now. The problem is that food no longer has that same comfort for me as it did before because I can't eat it like I used to. When my world starts falling apart, I try to, but it doesn't work. I REFUSE to undo all the hard work that I've done for the last 9 months! I REFUSE. I'm working on other coping skills. It's just in the middle of a hard situation, I can't remember any of them, and Cookies are always available.

I've made up for it. I stepped up my exercise plan, and now that I've reintroduced all those delicious sweets into my diet, that's all I want now. So, whenever I want a bag of Cookies, I jump on the treadmill. I am not going to let this beat me.

As for my girl and I, we're in a completely different place now. I like that. Things are going well. I don't talk about my fluxuating 1 or 2 pounds as much and she's open about wanting to exercise with me. I hope that she can deal with it. She's been right there with me every step of this process from the first doctor's appointment, to the surgery, recovery, until now. I'm not sure why now it started to bother her, but it did. All I we can do now is try to move forward.

Shanny,

I'm glad that you and your gal reconciled. Sometimes we don't realize what the people around us are going through and I'm glad you guys were able to talk about this and share openly. My husband was incredibly frustrated and insecure and I had no idea until his little comments annoyed me to the point that I confronted him. He needed to talk about what was bothering him and have his say before he could be more comfortable. It's taking some time but he's slowly accepting that this is my body, even if he liked the old one, and that I'm not going to gain the weight back. It's amazing how the people we love can be so supportive in some ways but so scared and resentful in other ways. I hope you two will continue to talk and keep your feelings about this open so you can avoid problems later.

I will encourage you to talk to a counselor about overeating. I am no professional but it sounds like you have classic overeater habits and use food for consolation and to numb painful emotions. Talk to someone, or at the least join an online forum with overeaters that use the same coping skills.

A big part of having the surgery is to lose weight. It's to be all those things we weren't before - thinner, happier, healthier. But another thing this surgery gives us is the chance to work through all of the emotional garbage, bad coping skills and ugly life events that helped us get fat in the first place. You will be a much happier person overall if you work on these things, slowly but surely.

I recently read a short book - a quick and easy read - called "Hungry" by Allen Zadoff. He's not pro-surgery at all, but it talks about the emotional attachments we have to food and how he dealt with them. You might like it if you pick it up at your local library. He doesn't prescribe a diet plan or a way to live your life, though. He just shares his experiences. I related to parts of the book and disagreed with others, but I think that overall there is something useful to be gained from this book if you try to eat past your emotions, something I'm guilty of, too.

Best of luck to you guys. Really. Relationships take a lot of work and a lot of communication and if you guys just keep communicating the good and the bad I'm sure you'll be just fine.

~Cheri