I lost weight, but people around me were effected

[Shanny 70]

When I started this journey I could only think about the good things. I would feel better, look better, I could buy cute clothes. You know the normal stuff. I never really thought about the down side of it. It wasn't until I had the surgery did I realize that food, which was a huge part of my life, would not have the same comfort for me, had people put me down because of my choice, and my weight loss, alienate my friends, and my weight loss would ulimately end my relationship.

So, to date I've lost about 95 pounds. I'm down to between a size 6-8, and I feel pretty good. I'm still the same person. I can't eat as much and can barely eat any meat but chicken, but hey you can't have everything. Granted, I'm not as social now because I'm uncomfortable around large varities of food. I always want to taste things that I know make me sick and when I'm with my friends and everyone's passing the plate, I take some and end up making myself sick. I still can't figure that part out. But, it's a learning process. I've lost a not only pounds and pants sizes, but a few friends because they can't deal with me being this size. They think I cheated them somehow. I still don't get that. I've also gained some fake "friends" that didn't give me the time of day before, but now they want to have lunch with them and invite me out to after work functions. Again because of my dress size. First people were happy about my weightloss, now they are telling me that I've lost too much weight, as if I'm doing this for them, or that I'm showing off. Then there's the rude comments made by people as if they have the right to just hurt your feelings because they feel like it (see previous rants about that).

The one thing I didn't think would change was my relationship. I've been pretty open about me and girl on this site. We'd been together for 2 1/2 years. Things started to change when my weight loss became noticable. She became a little more clingy. Then I started volunteering with my son's football team and that's when everything went down hill. Apparently because I'm smaller now, people notice me - not just her, anymore. Somehow that means that I want everyone and everyone wants me, too. My weight loss brought out her insecurities. My wieght loss brought about this performance in her that whenever we were around anyone she had to act like I was hers, so that everyone would know. Even though everyone already did know. Fast forward a few weeks...we broke up. Why? Because she thinks I want one of the football coaches and she can't stand the fact that they're nice to me and joke with me and somehow that translates into them wanting me. When I was 247 pounds I was friendly and joked around and flirted. It didn't bother her then. Mainly because she was the only one looking at me. Now that I'm 151 pounds, I'm not invisible anymore and she can't handle it. What am I supposed to do with that? I haven't changed. Only my body has. I don't wear revealing clothes. They may be more fitted than they were before, but I'm not trying to sell anything. If anything I'm more clingy to her because I'm still trying to find my own sexy in this new body.

Who would have thought that other people would be so effected by MY weightloss? This was my journey to finding the person that I was hiding beneath the fat. I like this person. She finally matches inside and out. So why is it that the people that were closest to me when I was hiding her don't want to Celebrate it with me? I've worked damn hard and I'm proud of my success. For all the successes I've had, and the awesome job of encouraging others, this downfall is like a slap in the face. I just don't understand it.

Has anyone else gone through this?

[Reddi4change 27]

It kind of comes with the territory....the folks that are with you and love your flaws really have issues themselves. Sometimes you out grow people....sounds like you outgrew her....

[mnbsleeve 87]

Shanny, your post is very touching! I don't know why sometimes this has to be part of the journey but it is. I think it happens with all kinds of success, unfortunately, not just weight loss. I had a good friend not be able to "tolerate" when I finally achieved an educational goal. After watching me struggle for years, working and going to school, and litteraly clawing my way out of a whole, when I graduated she kept making malicious, downputting cracks about my new degree and asking if she had to address me with this or that title. It took it's toll on the friendship and even after years of close frienship, it ended. Or I should say, I ended it with a heavy heart. Because allowoing that toxicity in my life was bringing me down and I knew there was nothing I could do to help her with HER issue. Even if I downplayed my success and made myself smaller for her sake, it did not help because it was HER journey.

I was really fortunate to have a really great psychologist do my psych eval before the surgery. He was great because he spent alot of time helping me process some these issues that could come up - the type you describe above. At the time I did not think it would apply. I sort of laugh it off inside. He told me to be prepared for colleagues who in the past would have been "impressed" with me in some way but that now would turn on me. He said sometimes people hold this internal thought: "yeah, she did that great, or she's really good at that (or whatever), BUT she's really fat!" and that serves to quelch their insecurities. He told me not to be surprised if those same people, that once were encouraging or supportive, would now become downputting in some way, whether obvious or subtle, or feel threatened or even feeling "targeted" by your changes. He included, partners, friends, family... in different ways of course, but similar dynamic.

So there you have it, if the psychologist brings it up, it sounds like it's unfortunately a prevalent situation. Some have the misfortune to experience it more than others, or in closer relationships than others. We just don't have control over others' process or feelings, choices, journey -- even though I spent a good chunk of my adult life deluding myself that I did have that control and adapted my self to accomodate other's insecurities.

Sorry this post is so long but a quote came to mind from Nelson Mandela. It really helped me years ago when dealing with that situation I shared. I'll post it below.

Wishing you all the best. Hang in there, keep strong. You did not nothing wrong. You just let your light shine (sorry so corney! )

OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkenss, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be

brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing Enlightened about shrinking so that

Other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within

us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously

Give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

[ldydrgnkpr 49]

Unfortunately it is there. We press on, move forward and continue to live our lives. Doing the best we can do. I do hope everything smooths out for you.

Deb

[Tenna38 17]

Wow...still waiting on my approval but your post definitely gives one something too think about...guess I didn't realize how my future weight loss will affect others around me...

[Stacey Nicole 40]

Today I told my brother an sister in law that I was in the process of getting approved for surgery. My sister in law acted as if I had offended her. She asked why I was giving up. She asked if I had spoken to a doctor - like I invented this in my head yesterday lol ummmm hello!!!! How the heck does my decision to do this offend her? I had a good cry and then I realized that this is about me - not her. I'm sure she is only one of many that will react this way. I guess it's all part of the process.

[Lissa 2,631]

I am sorry you are having relationship troubles. I think that you have a good handle on what is bothering her, though. My only advice, and it's short, is this:

Life is not about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself.

YOU are creating a new person out of the old person who insulated herself from the world. You deserve the attention and accolades and to feel impressed with yourself. This is NOT an easy journey. It's a process that takes a lot of time. The Lap Banders have a saying about "banding the head". WE have to sleeve our heads and deal with the psychological implications of weight loss. Unfortunately, that sometimes means letting people go until they are secure enough to deal with the new Us.

Good luck!

[Reddi4change 27]

I shared the fact that I will be getting sleeved around January with my work lunch buddy and he stopped speaking to me. I am feeling your pain...

[SKCUNNINGHAM 298]

I am so sorry your and your lady split up. I have heard that WLS will strengthen a strong relationship, and destroy a shaky relationship. It is awful when you didn't realize the foundation you built on was made of sand - not rock.

Try not to let your grief push you into eating habits you don't want to do - that would be REALLY HARD for me. I recommend to throw yourself into other things you enjoy (like your son't football) and focus on them.

Take care. Reach out hear on the site when you need a friendly ear or a shoulder to lean on.

[treequeen 13]

I guess there is some negativity for all of us who have to be around other ppl. I don't really have close friends and I'm not in a romantic relationship so I don't have much to lose.. However, I am starting to notice issues with co-workers who have insecurities. Biggest issue there is that I've already ended up in the manager's office because of it. One girl in particular talks behind my back (literally) and loud enough that I can hear some of it... but I can't prove anything cause the people she talks to are her friends and won't rat her out.... so she says I am paranoid and making things up and that I am mean... I am the farthest thing from it. Another woman always inquires about my progress then makes a jealous comment...Like I should feel guilty or something.. People just don't make sense. They all just need some happy pills.< /p>

[AllForMy4 58]

Today I told my brother an sister in law that I was in the process of getting approved for surgery. My sister in law acted as if I had offended her. She asked why I was giving up. She asked if I had spoken to a doctor - like I invented this in my head yesterday lol ummmm hello!!!! How the heck does my decision to do this offend her? I had a good cry and then I realized that this is about me - not her. I'm sure she is only one of many that will react this way. I guess it's all part of the process.

So know how you feel. When I told my family that I was going through the approval proccess,they acted like I offended them or something...you'd think they'd be happy for me??

[AllForMy4 58]

I shared the fact that I will be getting sleeved around January with my work lunch buddy and he stopped speaking to me. I am feeling your pain...

That's horrible!! Guess this whole process really shows who your true friends are!

[cludgie 81]

I completely agree with everyone, other people can struggle to watch the changes, the thing I wasnt prepared for was that some people think its a great idea until it actually works, but get threatened by the reality. I know I have always been the fat friend, amqd in some of my social groups that is kind of my role, so I can see why others struggle when that changes, I just tipped the status quo!

I guess all we can do is seek out the company of those who wont be venemous!

xx

[Monalino 0]

I am having the same response from my two best friends when I told them I have decided to have this procedure done. They think I am being lazy and not trying hard enough to lose weight. One of my friends told me to not call her when I'm upset about my hair falling out. I really expected them to be more supportive.

[Reddi4change 27]

I agree, it's ok with some until it starts to work, then with some others it's immediatly a problem because you know long fill the role of the "fat friend' that makes them feel better about themselves. It's a hurtful reality to see that is the role we were in...