Spouses feelings

[Sandy123 7]

I am getting my sleeve on Nov 1. I am so excited. I am 3 days in on my 2 week pre op diet and so far, so good. My problem is that my husband started out being supportive of my choice to have the surgery, but as it gets closer, he is having issues with it. He loves his food and thinks that I am ruining his life by doing this. He also makes little digs about getting my stomach ripped out and that he loves me the way I am and is worried that I will look saggy and droopy after losing weight. I really need to lose 100 lbs, not only to be healthy ( I am diabetic) but to finally after 48 years to like the way I look. Can anyone tell me how their spouses have dealt with this. Either before or after the actual weightless. I'm so psyched and he's making me nervous and apprehensive.

[Thomas CPA 496]

I am 49 and my spouse was never in favor of surgery. For a year I did diet and exercise losing 70 pounds and thought I could just continue that for rest of my life. Yes, you will likely get some sagging skin typically around tummy, arms, butt and some legs. However if you do resistance/weight training to build muscle you will lessen effects on arms and legs. Woman sometimes also loose around the chest and you will find some women have posted that issue on the board. My personal trainer knew one woman who had to have a lot of surgery on chest and arms. This may not happen to you, it is just observations from history.

The important thing to remember is you are doing it for yourself and your long term health not his. You are not asking him or causing him to change his eating habits, my wife still eats the way she did before my surgery, I don't shop differently for her, I just buy less food as I can't eat as much. For instance instead of buying hamburger in 1 pound packages I now get 1/2 pound packages.

He will likely come around. One thing that he may be fearing is that as you lose weight you may become more attractive than you are now and draw attention of other men - green jealously. I know my wife is jealous and doesn't like that I weigh less than she does.

It should pass in time.

[Sandy123 7]

Thanks for that. It's nice to get a man's opinion. I will keep posting on progress.

[Tiffykins 673]

It really sounds like fear and him not really being ready to accept that you HAVE to do this for YOU. He'll still be able to his food, he'll still be able to do whatever he wants with his body. I never made any concessions in our family meals (other than making some healthy substitutions) because I chose to have VSG. I still cooked all the same meals, we still ate out, we still had social functions to attend, and I never expected anyone to cater to my post-op eating. I still bought ice cream, Snacks, and other foods that I simply avoided during the losing stage.

My husband and I struggled with post-op life, and me losing weight. But, he knew I was going to do it.

I'm pretty brutally honest, and told my husband, "I'll take saggy boobs and excess skin over you putting me in a pine box 10-15 years early because of obesity-related diseases and conditions."

You might have saggy skin, you might be wrinkly, but what does it matter if in 20 years he's having to hire a nurse to wipe your hiney, or bathe you himself because you are not able to do so??? That was a true concern of mine, I was petrified that if I didn't do something NOW then what would our future really hold?

Hang in there, and I hope he understand how insensitive he is being during this already stressful time.

[thinoneday 445]

I can truly testify that after having lost 150 lbs I am definately NOT flabby or droopy! I look very healthy and love the way i feel. Just last night i was telling my mom the exact same thing cause she thinks I've been "starving" myself. . . i laughed so hard! Made her feel kinda dumb, but they just don't understand. You'll be ok and so will he. . right now its just a worried thing and spouses are very insecure and intimadated by this surgery for some dumb reason. . . just be yourself, don't argue with him over pettiness and just live your life like normal. . . give hugs, kisses and love and soon you'll see everything is normal. . . who knows, if he's overweight, he may even lose a few himself. . . . good luck!

[Sandy123 7]

You guys brought tears to my eyes. You are so encouraging and I am blessed to have found this forum as way to connect with other wonderful people who are going thru or have gone thru the same issues I am having. I keep telling him that I will eat again soon but just like a normal person, not an obese one. He is trying to lose weight too but thru exercise, he still has a love of food. Hopefully he will love the new me. Thanks so much. You guys rock )

[Sweet Toni 0]

I agree with Thomas. I'm not married and no where near it, but i think have a story that may help. My mom is a beautiful, 5'9 about 160lb women. She wasn't always like that. I wasn't born when this happened but i hear the story hear and there more than 35 years later. When my dad married her she was about 230-240lbs. He went on a 9 month Navy deployment and when he came back she was skinny. You know what he tried to do? Fatten her up. Until he realized it wasn't happening and he actually like her healthier. 35 years my mom has kept off her weight, 35 years!!!!! She works out, eats right, (why can't i do that right?). And let me tell you it paid off!!! My dad wasn't a heavy man, but he liked to eat! He loved food. And to his dismay, it caught up with him. High blood pressure, then sugar diabetes. And guess who was there to help get him on track? My mom! And now they are both pretty healthy eaters. My dad, yeah he still loves the sweets, but i always say im going to tell my mom on him! LOL

All in all, i agree with Thomas, he will come around. And you're healthy eating may rub off on him. Don't give up hope and don't be discouraged, try to stay positive about it. Just because you will be eating healthy doesn't mean it won't be good food! Show him girl! It may take you a while to be able to stomach those foods, but once you can, show him how you can eat GOOD food and still be healthy. Trust me you can, my dad can make a mean steak! But it has a salad with it, and maybe a half a baked yam to go with it (balance!) Lol, anyway, good luck!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Men. Do. Not. Like. Change. Period.

And they call women cats? Sheesh.

I really don't have any kind of answer because thankfully my Hubby was always supportive and was always my number one fan. Even along with the fact I had such a miserable time with my crazy Lap Band. He seen me suffer a great deal with that WLS.

Though he has said a couple times (not recently) and expressing that I better not leave him when I lose all my weight... blah blah blah. I really just rolled my eyes and laughed (not in a mean way). I didn't feel the need to comfort him on that request, but I did comfort him because I wanted to - I don't like for him to feel uncomfortable. I really knew though that only time would show him I wouldn't just up and jump ship simply because I can fit smaller clothes. It didn't change how I am on the inside and how much I love him, aside from just feeling so much better!

That said, I did let him vent though. I think it's ok to let your spouse do that. Communication in any form is a good thing. It's not about YOU nor is it about HIM. It's about the both of you as a UNIT. Believe it or not, you're going through this major event and change does affect him too. All I'm saying is, go easy on him a bit...

HTH

[Rebel 9]

My hubby wasn't supportive at all in the beginning. It wasn't until after much prayer and days before my surgery that he finally got on board. Since then, he has been my biggest cheerleader and I couldn't have gotten through those first few days after surgery without him. So, hang in there and pray about it. The Lord turned my husband's thinking around.

[Sandy123 7]

It is so nice to hear all your stories. I am sure he will support me when I actually have the surgery. I think this 2 week pre op diet is making him nervous, because he thinks I will never be eating again. I had lost alot of weight before we got married, and he loved the way I looked then. I got pregnant 3 months later, gained back the 80 lbs and have been carrying it around for 14 years. He has grown accustomed to my fat self but I have not. I hate the way I look and feel carrying this around. Plus the diabetes. I tried to diet and exercise and keep losing and gaining the same 20lbs. I just want to be that weight again... I've explained that to him. He knows it needs to be done but he doesn't want it to affect our "fun" eating. But I think when push comes to shove he will be there for me.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

It is so nice to hear all your stories. I am sure he will support me when I actually have the surgery. I think this 2 week pre op diet is making him nervous, because he thinks I will never be eating again. I had lost alot of weight before we got married, and he loved the way I looked then. I got pregnant 3 months later, gained back the 80 lbs and have been carrying it around for 14 years. He has grown accustomed to my fat self but I have not. I hate the way I look and feel carrying this around. Plus the diabetes. I tried to diet and exercise and keep losing and gaining the same 20lbs. I just want to be that weight again... I've explained that to him. He knows it needs to be done but he doesn't want it to affect our "fun" eating. But I think when push comes to shove he will be there for me.

I'm very sure he will be there when you need him. He really sounds like a good guy.

That's funny you mention him being used to the bigger you. My Hubby would tell me he loved me the way I am (this was when I was still way obese)... and that I "turned him out to the big girls"... Hahaaa!! That used to crack me up! I was actually the first time he was ever with a heavy girl. He has expressed to me recently that he doesn't want me to lose anymore weight. I'm not really trying honestly but my body keeps losing inches. I cannot stop it, because I won't give up my workouts and even though I'm pretty much eating what I want (just not as much) - it just keeps melting away. I explained to him that I just have to let my body do what it's going to do. He agrees, but he still voiced his opinion. He knows me, and he knows that I pretty much do what I want. But I do allow him a little b*tch fest whenever he wants.

Anyway, that might be something you come across as well over time...

[Sandy123 7]

I can only hope I lose like that!!! I know the feeling... My husband never dated heavy girls and for years he wanted me thin but I just think he's forgotten how good I looked all those years ago. We've been together 21 years and was plump when we met but no where near as big as I am now. I'm glad you are still working out and taking care of yourself, I love working out and plan to continue since I need it for my mental health also. I cant imagine getting too thin, because I really don't want things to sag to much. I'm hoping all the weight training will pay off on the long run. And your right, he is a good guy and he loves me so I'm sure things will work out. I just wish he wouldn't add more stress to this stressful time.