One year through the trials of hell

[pcos_chick 23]

<3

[M2G 1,836]

Congrats on your success!!!

You are right, we have to WANT this bad enough to cast aside all the fear and doubt and really dig in and make those changes.

[Indymom 132]

GREAT POST! Thanks for keeping it real.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Excellent post, thanks for sharing.

[Papa Jack 86]

Very nice story...Loved it!

[carolina girl 56]

I am in tears right now after reading this post. Mostly tears of joy. This is what it's all about- forgetting what anyone else thinks about how you look on that elliptical, deciding that your sick and tired of being sick and tired, and just doing the damn thing! Thanks so much for sharing your story- and btw you ARE an EXCELLENT story teller !!

[itscometothis 12]

Can I kiss you? lol

One year through the trials of hell

I started off at size 54 jeans and 6XL shirt. They were tight. I didn't wear them much because I mostly sat at the house, sans the occasional Walmart run to gather 10 2-liter Cokes for my many nights of playing World of Warcraft. Every Saturday night, I ordered an extra large Papa John's pizza with a large breadsticks and ate only that for all day Sunday watching football and playing video games. I had no girlfriend, no real friends, just the random online people I chatted with. And no computer vid cam because I never wanted anyone to see me. People on the internet are harsh, cruel and unyielding.

My doctor had prescribed 3 blood pressure and 2 cholesterol medications. He told me basically that I was going to die if I kept my weight up. I was approaching 400lbs with no end in sight. Dieting had never worked for me, since I always gained the weight back. And bulletin boards were no help, since most of the people there gained it back too. I hadn't exercised in 4 years, what was I supposed to do?

He recommended the sleeve, but it would take 6 months to get approved. I was too impatient for that, so I continued my binge. The solution it seemed was to get a girlfriend! I posted my profile online, hit up every girl on the sites and got several dates. Nobody wanted a second date however after they looked at my fatness, bad attitude and social irregularities. I became even more depressed, scored more terrible dates and spiraled into a cycle of self hatred. The movie "50 First Dates" is a comedy, however in real life it's not all that funny. I actually had one girl see me from a distance, get repulsed and leave on our first encounter. She was my 50th date, and had successfully crushed what little self esteem I had left. I went home and repeatedly hit myself in the head until I was almost unconscious. Here I am, a highly educated man abusing myself because of my miserable life.

As I laid there hurting.

I decided to change.

I started the surgery approval process, and threw away every piece of fattening food in the house. The surgeon's office had these huge chairs geared for morbidly obese people like me. It was weird to know that many other people had been on this journey, but comforting at the same time. In only three months I'd be under his knife, so it was time to get busy.

I joined a local gym who's owner was a pure b***h. She was mean to me, saying I was too fat for most of the machines. As I took my first step onto the elliptical, it started cracking. Maybe that wench was right, I WILL break her equipment! After ten minutes at level 1, I thought I would pass out. So I sat on the floor hyperventilating as she ran over and started yelling at me for being on the floor. I hated her.

Fueled by hatred, frustration, with vivid memories of all the bad dates in my head and the gym owner's voice still ringing in my ear, I suffered through. The next day I did 10 minutes, then 20 and finally a full hour at level 1.

I started on Atkins figuring I could lose a few pounds before surgery to get a healthy start. Then focusing my rage, I jacked the machine over the next few months to 3, 5, 7 and finally level 20 for a full hour. If you've never done level 20 on an elliptical, you can see your life flash before your eyes after a few minutes. Nobody else at the gym wanted any part of it as I poured sweat, breathed like a workhorse and suffered through. Not one person talked to me at the gym. Ever. Because if I wasn't near death when leaving, I didn't consider that a valid workout.

Then came this happy HerbaLife guy named Lynn. He was very friendly, inviting me over to his weight loss challenge and encouraged me every few days. This was the first person in years that didn't look away, didn't ignore me and actually was fun to talk to. I dropped 13 lbs before this weight loss challenge began, and started my pre-op diet after few weeks in. And even had surgery on one of those Mondays so I missed that meeting. The VSG board said to walk after surgery so I did, even though it hurt like hell. I walked an hour the day of surgery, the day after and every day out of the hospital. My doctor said to not exercise for a month, but I didn't really care. I wanted the weight off. In my head, all I saw was that extra large pizza barely fitting into my refrigerator, the sickly smell of those breadsticks that weren't cooked properly half the time.

So I married the treadmill and the elliptical in a ceremony of pain, sweat and anguish. I probably injured myself a couple of times during this process, but never reported it. I threw all my medications into the trash, drop kicking the empty bottles into the wall. And put my doctor's phone number on call blocking and didn't attend the follow-ups.

It's me.

And the gym.

If we die together, so be it.

After a couple months I had upped my exercise to 2 hours a day. When football was on, I'd watch a whole game from the treadmill for 3 hours. And then there was Lynn and his weight loss challenge. At the end of their 12 weeks, I had dropped 47 lbs + the 13 before for a grand total of 60lbs. I obliterated everyone. There was no second place. But in the process I had stumbled upon what fires me up - a challenge. Competing with other people, and being accountable made me lose faster, and keep it off. If you've ever attended one of these events, it's a huge Herbalife advertisement spam. But - the challenge aspect is what hooked me.

I remember during this process the day that I stopped caring what people thought about me. It was a weird day, one where I decided to wear house shoes to workout. Working on my self-esteem, people skills and removing all the negativity from my life during this process freed me a lifelong burden. One where I constantly worried when someone didn't like me, or wouldn't make eye contact as I passed by. If you ever reach this point, your life will change dramatically.

Society is filled with social pressure towards food. Every time I'm out with other people, we eat. But I drink an Atkins shake before I leave the house and normally don't eat anything. Other people try to shun you, ask why, etc. We had these little Herbalife pies in class the other day, and people were trying to guilt me into having a piece. Seriously? What a joke. I'm not hungry, and that little pie is a stumbling block towards my goal of LIVING MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. As a populous, we've descended into food social pressure, so the other people can feel better about themselves by making you eat more.

I signed up for another challenge, and am losing 7 lbs a week. I play Tetris on my phone during the videos, because I've seen them all before (sorry Lynn). At a social event last week, I had 3 women who were just fascinated by me and were all smiles and laughs. They actually liked me, which was strange from so many years ago. I've had several comment on my positive energy and great smile that I have all the time. NOT from losing weight alone, but working on fixing myself, my attitude, outlook on life, ridding myself of worry and fear. Sure the weight helps, but you can still be miserable while thin. The sleeve is not a panacea.

I've gone from a 54 to 42 pants, soon to be at my goal weight.

I'm off all medications.

I shop at Old Navy instead of the fat store.

I meditate an hour per day.

I look in the mirror and see a sexy beast.

Instead of the fat pig blood pressure velcro sleeve, I now can fit into the regular one.

The doctor can find a vein in my arm now, instead of taking blood from my hand.

And I'm under 300lbs for the first time since the 90's

I feel fantastic all the time. Why? Because I'm living the life I want and deserve.

Join me, find what FIRES YOU UP. Channel it into your diet and exercise, whatever it takes for you to reach your own personal goals and aspirations. Steve Jobs recently died at such a young age. Life is so short. If you get hit by a bus tomorrow, what will you see as your life passes before you? A miserable existence where other people AND FOOD control your happiness, or a life filled with self-love, joy and happiness? It's only food, guys. It was designed to keep you from being hungry for a few hours, not to reign control over your destiny.

You are in control. Find your motivator. And live it.

I saw a commercial for Papa John's pizza last weekend, and threw something at the tv. That vice is no longer a part of my journey.

[LindaS 316]

I loved your story, and I second everyone's comments about your gift for storytelling. Excellent, motivating story. Thanks so much for sharing. Now where's the pics? (We're never satisfied, are we?)

[kemo46 82]

Way to go Doug, great job. It is great that you changed your attitude and your life direction. I agree with finding that passion to reach your goal, whatever it takes. Thank you for sharing.

[DougNichols 124]

Pics:

[kgremmy 36]

What a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing...

[SFOTraveler 42]

loved your post and congrats! So much to be proud of

[LucyInTheSkye 0]

WOW. This post was POWERFUL!!!! Hands down best post I have ever read. THANK YOU for your honesty AND inspiration!

[AussieJoy 0]

Doug I was absolutely entranced reading your story, I cried and read some more. I have also been that person that you described.......I would love to read a second part to your story and see where your at now!

[SouthernSleever 228]

Hey you! Good to hear from you again. I have to say the one post I remember from you had to be where you were very negative towards women when you were talking about dating. I can totally understand as I've been on the flip side of that, dating as a fat girl back in the day. I have to say though that your outlook seems to have improved so much, which is what your post is about more than anything. Have you dated post op? Any reflections on that? WTG on all that working out btw, I NEEED someone to be a b***h to me at the gym!