support system changing

[amberj 21]

Did anyone's home life change with this surgery? before or after? My fiance' loves me and means well when he says that he doesn't want me to change a thing about myself, but he has serious issues with me having this surgery. He gets angry whenever i mention it or anything about it. he has always been there for me and backed me up with any decision i made. This surgery is hard for him to accept i guess. His main fear is that if i lose the weight, i won't want him anymore--silly right? but it is very hard going through this process without him supporting me each step of the way. i went for my consultation and was so excited when i left. I called him and he says he doesn't really want to hear about it. If i mention it at home, he gets mad and walks away from me. i got my psyc eval scheduled today for next week ( YAY!) and i cant even really tell him about it. I'm getting this done regardless of his opinion, because I am doing it for my children so that they can have a mommy that participates in their lives and doesn't sit on the sidelines. I was just wondering if anyone else went through this and if it got better afterwards. any help is appreciated.

[bikerchick519 202]

I don't know if it gets better aferwards but I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend. He is dead set against this surgery and the fact that I'm going to Mexico to have it done. He refuses to go with me. We don't live together so I just don't talk about it alot any more. I'm really on the fence about breaking up because I feel like there's no future for us if he can't be by my side when I need him the most. He also has the fear of being left when I lose the weight but he doesn't know it may happen sooner if he doesn't get on board. I need someone supportive or I don't need anyone at all. Hope yours comes around because mine is being stubborn to the end.

[Forensikchic 528]

I dont know if this will help or not but my surgeon tells everyone (its in his powerpoint he gives at the seminar) that if you have relationship trouble, this surgery will not fix it but make it worse. If your other half has self esteem issues and does not trust the relationship, that wont be made better after. He obviously has issues trusting that you love him no matter what size you are, if he thinks you are going to leave him if you get skinny. That is HIS problem, one that you cannot fix. We have to fix our problems and put ourselves first so we can be healthy and able to take care of our kids and our significant others. I have learned the hard way that you cant fix people and they cant fix us. I think you are right, if he cant support you when you need him the most, when will he? Is this a one sided relationship? If it is, you are better off re-evaluating it and having a heart to heart with him. The last thing you need is extra stress added to your journey trying to please someone who is a narcissist and only concerned with themselves and what they want (control freak). Just my 2cents.

[Rootman 1,101]

I'll stand up on my psychobabble hat and take a shot at it.

Well, it seems to play a part in some of "happily" marrieds too. I've chalked it up to changing hormones, changing chemical balances, changing self image and increased self confidence. Notice I've chalked up all the "reasons" on OUR part of the situation and none on the "other side". What I've concluded is that while all the changes seem to happen on OUR side not all the REASONS of the imbalance in the relationship are ours. Like many people we fat or formerly fat have a tendency to walk into co-dependency type of relationships. To sum it up it's like the explanation that Rock Balboa gave as to why he liked Adriane - gaps:

Rocky: Sure, I like her.

Paulie: What's the attraction?

Rocky: I dunno... she fills gaps.

Paulie: What's 'gaps'?

Rocky: I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

While we all have needs and all have strengths to give, when a relationship is TOTALLY based on filling someone else's needs with strengths - or worse yet filling needs with weaknesses the relationship is on a much narrower road to success.

Quite often the other partner needs us to be (pick on: fat, unhealthy, insecure, etc, etc, etc) because they feel "safe" in the relationship. As long as you have the problem / weakness / issue they feel that they are needed in the relationship. As soon as the balance changes they feel threatened or abandoned. While SOME of this goes on in every relationship, when a relationship has this as it's PRIMARY foundation then you are treading on thin ice and relationship threatening problems can occur.

You're going to have to discuss this with your partners, get to the root of the problem and seek outside counseling if you cannot resolve it. Perhaps what I've said is wrong and they genuinely desire fat partners, in this case WLS may be a deal breaker and the relationship will end. Don't just assume you can "make it work" after success with surgery, I'd advise getting to the root of the problem BEFORE surgery so you aren't working through the issue AND the other issues that are bound to pop up POST surgery.

Just MHO, IANAD.

[Neese 75]

First off, congratulations on making the decision to better YOU for YOURSELF . Never compromise you, you're all you ever really have.

My husband threw a mini fit when I told him I wanted the surgery. Usually he is laid back and goes with the flow of everything but for some reason this surgery struck nerve with him. I told him that he sat by and did not see a problem, or show concern, over the the unhealthy lifestyle I have been leading up to this point (my own fault for gaining weight) yet he wants to hinder my attempts to become healthier for myself? After pulling my husband in the process, having him do the online orientation and watching videos and educating him on the material he is my number one fan.

As I have suggested to other people, pull your fiancee into the process so he can see what a blessing this surgery could be to you. Have him watch videos with you, let him read these discussion boards so he can get a complete understanding of what you're really going to go through. Most people have an intense fear of the unknown; fear is just putting him in touch with his primal instincts, he is becoming protective and defensive because he is scared of the situation. Knowledge is power, help educate him on the vast information of VSG. In the end I am sure he will be there cheering you on, being your biggest supporter as usual.

[LindaS 316]

My husband was very worried about the surgery. He wanted me to be healthy, and he was worried I was doing something that was going to ultimately be unhealthy. His aunt had gastric by-pass, and she has issues and was pretty sick after her surgery.

I pushed the surgery. He made sure to tell me he loved me like I was and that he thought I was beautiful. He wasn't trying to talk me out of it, but he wanted to make sure I knew I didn't have to do it.

I thought of it a bit differently. I was losing the battle with weight and every year was going higher on the scale. I didn't think I could just stay at the status quo.

He went to a support group with me before the surgery, which was good for him since it included a wide range of people. He has been a great support, but his initial reaction was very nervous about the surgery and the risks involved. He didn't want me to put myself at risk unnecessarily. To me, it was a necessary risk to put me back on the healthy track.

[shellnsons 7]

Great answers everyone. I pray my hubby will be supportive after my surgery...the good thing is he went back to the gym last week and paid for my airline ticket. He is still nearvous about me goign to mexico alone..

[samnyc 5]

Rocky > Freud

Awesome!

I'll stand up on my psychobabble hat and take a shot at it.

Well, it seems to play a part in some of "happily" marrieds too. I've chalked it up to changing hormones, changing chemical balances, changing self image and increased self confidence. Notice I've chalked up all the "reasons" on OUR part of the situation and none on the "other side". What I've concluded is that while all the changes seem to happen on OUR side not all the REASONS of the imbalance in the relationship are ours. Like many people we fat or formerly fat have a tendency to walk into co-dependency type of relationships. To sum it up it's like the explanation that Rock Balboa gave as to why he liked Adriane - gaps:

Rocky: Sure, I like her.

Paulie: What's the attraction?

Rocky: I dunno... she fills gaps.

Paulie: What's 'gaps'?

Rocky: I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

While we all have needs and all have strengths to give, when a relationship is TOTALLY based on filling someone else's needs with strengths - or worse yet filling needs with weaknesses the relationship is on a much narrower road to success.

Quite often the other partner needs us to be (pick on: fat, unhealthy, insecure, etc, etc, etc) because they feel "safe" in the relationship. As long as you have the problem / weakness / issue they feel that they are needed in the relationship. As soon as the balance changes they feel threatened or abandoned. While SOME of this goes on in every relationship, when a relationship has this as it's PRIMARY foundation then you are treading on thin ice and relationship threatening problems can occur.

You're going to have to discuss this with your partners, get to the root of the problem and seek outside counseling if you cannot resolve it. Perhaps what I've said is wrong and they genuinely desire fat partners, in this case WLS may be a deal breaker and the relationship will end. Don't just assume you can "make it work" after success with surgery, I'd advise getting to the root of the problem BEFORE surgery so you aren't working through the issue AND the other issues that are bound to pop up POST surgery.

Just MHO, IANAD.