September 27th is my date!! Now my marriage has gone from bad to worse!!

[HappyFace 5]

Well, here I am again asking for advice from my fellow MARRIED future sleevers & sleevers about what to do about my husband's total rejection of supporting me with VSG.

Before when I posted that I was desperate for his support, I got a lot of people telling me to just do it & that it's my body & my decision. But my heart is breaking!! This is my husband & I just can't imagine the repercussions this will have on the most important relationship in my life (next to God)!! We are in love, we have 2 wonderful children & we're the best of friends. He just turns into a different person when the surgery comes up. Yesterday when I got my date & I shared my joy with him, & he threatened to take me off of the insurance!! He said there was some kind of clause that would allow him to do it one time before open enrollment. I'm devasted!! I have hypertension, sleep apnea & I'm pre-diabetic--which is why I'm doing this now. I'm already 37yrs old & he still insists that I can do it on my own without surgery. If it were that simple, I would've done it over 20yrs ago!!

What in the world do I do? I don't want to lose my marriage behind this, but I don't want to end up hating him down the road either. Woe is me!!

[wannasleeve 10]

WOW! I have been married for 23 years to my husband and at first he was scared. He didn't understand what the surgery entailed. He didn't want me to die and leave him and my 3 year old son behind.

However, I was like you I have type II diabetes, and recently was put on blood pressure medicine. All I had to do was look at my mom, who is almost bed ridden with those dieases to see my future. My dad died at 55, from complications of diabetes.

I think you just really need to sit down with him and ask him what makes him so angry and that the reason you want to do this is for him and your children.

My husband is slim and has alwasy been able to wear the same size for the 15 years, unless he loses weight. It sounds like he might have some issues with thinking that you might change to much or not want him or that you may die.

Sometimes when too much emotion is in my husband and my converstation believe it or not I will email him, because sometimes it is easier for him to tell me stuff not face to face you know.

Then when we get home we discuss it a more rational way. It sounds like he loves you and you guys are best friends. He will come around just be gentle with him and dive into his fears about this.

Also, pray, pray, pray that the Lord will soften his heart if this is his will for you. If you send me your names I will add you into my prayers.

Well, here I am again asking for advice from my fellow MARRIED future sleevers & sleevers about what to do about my husband's total rejection of supporting me with VSG.

Before when I posted that I was desperate for his support, I got a lot of people telling me to just do it & that it's my body & my decision. But my heart is breaking!! This is my husband & I just can't imagine the repercussions this will have on the most important relationship in my life (next to God)!! We are in love, we have 2 wonderful children & we're the best of friends. He just turns into a different person when the surgery comes up. Yesterday when I got my date & I shared my joy with him, & he threatened to take me off of the insurance!! He said there was some kind of clause that would allow him to do it one time before open enrollment. I'm devasted!! I have hypertension, sleep apnea & I'm pre-diabetic--which is why I'm doing this now. I'm already 37yrs old & he still insists that I can do it on my own without surgery. If it were that simple, I would've done it over 20yrs ago!!

What in the world do I do? I don't want to lose my marriage behind this, but I don't want to end up hating him down the road either. Woe is me!!

[bikerchick519 202]

I feel your pain only not to your extent. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is acting the same way. He is normally the sweetest guy but he is dead set against this surgery. I'm a self pay going to Mexico and he refuses to go with me. I'm going ahead with my surgery because this is for ME. I may be doing it differently if we were married. I did finally get it out of him that most of his attitude was because he doesn't think I need it and that he could not handle it if something goes wrong in surgery and I die. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you.

[wannasleeve 10]

I think it is just so difficult for men to admit their fears.

I wish you the best of luck, Dr Kelly is a wonderful dr and his surgical team as well. I had nothing but a great experience. My friend her blood pressure was sky high and they got her under control before they did surgery.

She is doing so much better now, so they are equipped to deal with all sorts of medical situations. I have a blood clotting factor, so they made sure they dealt with that as well. And my diabetes.

You will be in good hands!

Laura

I feel your pain only not to your extent. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is acting the same way. He is normally the sweetest guy but he is dead set against this surgery. I'm a self pay going to Mexico and he refuses to go with me. I'm going ahead with my surgery because this is for ME. I may be doing it differently if we were married. I did finally get it out of him that most of his attitude was because he doesn't think I need it and that he could not handle it if something goes wrong in surgery and I die. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you.

[Shalon 10]

I had a similar situation in that my husband wanted no part of any of this. I was sleeved on Monday and my husband wasn't even there. He worked saying he couldn't get off of work. Now that I am home, he some how found a way to be off and be home with me for the rest of the week. He is not waiting on me hand and foot, but he is here.

A lot of these behaviors are either insecurity or jealousy. My husband is heavy and has been very uncomfortable with being heavy for several years, but won't make any type of changes as far as food consumption, portions, exercise, etc. I figured that he is either jealous, or thinks I will become some hotty skinny chick that will leave him.

This surgery was NOT about him in any way. I have three children under eight, all adopted, and have spent 18 years being his wife, and the last seven years being a mother to these kids. I have a demanding husband, demanding children and an extremely demanding job. This decision was about ME, putting myself first for the first time in my entire life.

Support or not, I HAD to get healthier and was doing it for ME. I found comfort in that decision.

[SouthernSleever 228]

I stick by "DO IT FOR YOURSELF!" He is scared, seek counseling if you are concerned for your marriage but DO NOT BACK OUT. Your children need you around.

[peacequeen 434]

Such good advice and posts on this one. I'm so sorry for you and will keep you in my prayers as well. I'm very fortunate and blessed to have a supportive husband. Something that goes a long way is that I have given him some of the control in this . I've let him be a large part of this decision and have kept him very involved in the process, letting him know how much I need him. I think the advice about sending an email (or even a letter) is an excellent idea. It's so easy to have a fighting match when you don't take a moment to gather your thoughts to convey what you feel. I've also read alot of posts from these forums to him, he seems to find it very interesting. I really like to read the success stories to him and the stories about how it has changed a persons health and life with their spouse and children. I try to shy away from reading him posts about how we want to be hotties, sexy, etc..even if I want to be all those things to hiim only.lol I think including him makes him feel more secure. Good luck, I hope all works out for you..and others who are having difficulty with a partner or family member.

[Rev Me Up! 75]

I don't think I have anything to add as far as advice, but I really feel for you. I can't imagine being in that situation - there is no easy answer here.

I would just ask that you remember that you have a voice too. Sometimes in relationships we get so absorbed in what our partners want or need that we forget that we are equal participants in that relationship. Can you think of an instance where you would threaten to cancel his medical or life insurance because he was doing something you didn't agree with? This is bigger than the surgery - seriously. Try and talk with him. You may decide to postpone the surgery, that's up to you. But, I would really try and get to the bottom of the drastic reaction.

If you decide to go through with it, you will have to stop looking for his approval. Recovery is hard and you won't have the energy to boost him up afterwards. You have to prepare your pantry and get your supplies. Some people find their spouses calm down after the surgery.

Take care---

[New start 4]

Well, here I am again asking for advice from my fellow MARRIED future sleevers & sleevers about what to do about my husband's total rejection of supporting me with VSG.

Before when I posted that I was desperate for his support, I got a lot of people telling me to just do it & that it's my body & my decision. But my heart is breaking!! This is my husband & I just can't imagine the repercussions this will have on the most important relationship in my life (next to God)!! We are in love, we have 2 wonderful children & we're the best of friends. He just turns into a different person when the surgery comes up. Yesterday when I got my date & I shared my joy with him, & he threatened to take me off of the insurance!! He said there was some kind of clause that would allow him to do it one time before open enrollment. I'm devasted!! I have hypertension, sleep apnea & I'm pre-diabetic--which is why I'm doing this now. I'm already 37yrs old & he still insists that I can do it on my own without surgery. If it were that simple, I would've done it over 20yrs ago!!

What in the world do I do? I don't want to lose my marriage behind this, but I don't want to end up hating him down the road either. Woe is me!!

I will pray for you and your marriage. It sounds like you have a great foundation, and that you do have the tools to work through this together.

What would you be feeling if he came to you one day and told you he wanted to make a major change in his life, that it would mean giving up alot of things you both have a habit of enjoying together, and it was a tremendous journey he was going to take alone, with or without your support. Now ask him to put himself in your shoes. Every time you look at those 2 wonderful kids, you wonder if you will be around to watch them grow up if you don't change.

I bet you have alot more common ground than it seems like right now. I have been married for 30 yrs, and my husband has been supportive of me on the journey because he says he wants the chance to grow old with me.

[kemo46 82]

I think education is the key here. My wife was the same way. She was just scared, same as your husband. You need to get him on the forums and let him read and educate himself on the surgery, the good ,bad and ugly. Get him involved. Let him ask questions and find out the risks vs. the rewards. You have health issues that will not get better. Have him read my blog from the beginning to end, see what is involved. Everyone is scared of the unknown, be happy that he does care about you. You said that you are pre-diabetic, that can change in a heartbeat for the worst. I was full blown diabetic and now it is controlled with no medication, this surgery has saved my life. Have him PM me if he would like, I would be happy to send him my bloodwork from before my surgery and 3 months post op just to show how much this will improve your health. Good luck, I think once he realizes you are doing this for your health and not vanity, he will come around.

[Rebel 9]

My Husband reacted similarly to my decision to have surgery. Partly I believe because it was one of the few times that I took a stand on something and did not let it go when he disagreed. I spent a lot of time praying and atthe same time kept moving forward with my plans. I attended the seminar and let him know but made myself not talk about it to him afterward which was difficult for me.

I told him that I submitted my paperwork and if God's will I would be approved. 2 weeks later I was approved. I spoke to him then and he said we may not be able to afford it. I prayed about it and once again God cleared the way. When

it came time to pick my surgery date, I told him that I loved him and that I was not doing this to hurt him or to get thin and leave him. In fact I was doing this to get healthy so I could grow old with him and hold my grandchildren some day. That next day I began to see a change. I consulted him when picking my date and he was with me for every step from then on. He took vacation when I had surgery so he could be home to help me the first week.he has become my biggest supporter and cheerleader and I could not imagine doing this without him. I will be praying for you.

[A New Day 5]

My husband was the same way! He told me to just exercise more and eat Kashi! LOL!!!

If only it was that easy. He's thin so of course he's not going to understand at first. I'm going to Mexico and he refused to go with me for a while. Finally he came around and now he is almost as excited as me. He came home yesterday and told me all about a lady he had talked to that had RNY a few month ago and was down 100 lbs and that she had a friend that just got back from MX after having the sleeve done. He was also stoked about getting a passcard, even calling to be sure we would have them before we leave.

He will come around, don't change your date! Just PRAY

[Driver Deb 10]

Your husband threatened to remove you from his insurance policy if you decide to go ahead with the surgery?? Do ultimatums work on you and does he always get his way by making threats?? I'm sorry, but that is awful !! I think he feels threatened that other men will find you attractive if you lose weight... that is called insecurity.

[Neese 75]

My husband and I talked about it and he tried to to suggest everything under the sun other than THIS specific surgery. We have been married for a little over a year but have been together for a total of 7 years. He is my very best friend so I understand what you're going through. He didn't like anything about the sleeve from the fact that I would be altering my stomach down to the fact that I would have incision marks on my stomach ( I still don't understand that one haha). Anyway, I did the same thing that kemo46 suggested. I showed him videos, read reviews with him, showed him all of the paperwork, and had him do the seminar with me online so he could see that the benefits really do outweigh the risks. I do think this is deeper for your husband than just the surgery, as most have pointed out, he may have hidden insecurities that he is not able to display. As I told my husband watched, "you have watched as I have put weight on over the years and the health risks associated with that didn't bother you, me trying to better my health should make you proud." Needless to say he is my number one fan right now!

Your husband sounds like your best friend, I can assure you that he will come around one way or another. Just remember do not compromise your health because in the end that's truly all that you have. :waytogo: I am proud of you!

[Heather~ Sweetdreams 10]

I agree with kemo46, education is KEY! Perhaps he isn't as aware of the benefits, and the need you have on an emotional, and physical level to have this surgery. I feel bad, because my boyfriend of almost 3 years was so supportive, he stayed in the hospital with me day and night both days. Although, I have to say, that every single thing I learned I shared with him. He went to the visits with my PCP and my surgeon, as well as my initial nutritional visit. Try gathering information and leaving it places (like the bathroom) where he may actually pick it up and read it, if listening to you is not something he is too keen on. Please don't back out on this... It truly is the best thing I've ever done for myself and I just know you will feel the same way!