Physician heal thyself ....

[silentfades 0]

Hello

My name is Marc and the first thing I want to say is I am terrified.

I am a 51 and also a gay man who is single and feels sometimes in a double world -- in the idea with the prejudice of being overweight in traditional society but as well in a gay community being fat is certainly not admired and totally looked down upon in a disgusting way moreso than straight society

I'm having surgery on August 31 by Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. No one in this world with the exception of my therapist and my best friend knows I'm going to do this. I have no idea what to say after ward but I am sure I will find something -- any ideas would be great.

Sometimes having a little bit of medical knowledge is not good. I constantly think of slippage errosion and various banding failure/ or complications in the operating room.

I have heard both good and not so good about Dr. Ortiz as well as of the other surgeons in Mexico. However everyone in medicine has patients who for whatever reason have not been pleased-- so far I am still ok with him as the surgeon.

I'm going to be self-pay and terrified if I have a complication once back here in the states that I will the up a creak without a paddle.

I will be followed by Dr. Ren whose a surgeon here in New York in regards to fills.

I look in my hands as I am typing this --these hands haved welcomed hundreds of babies into his world over the years and as well comforted and touched many who were leaving this world. --They are the same hands that are killing myself with my overeating and the hands that when I touch my own body I feel a disgust and repulsion.

Things in an extremely stressful as in my family (who is 300 miles away) my mother and grandmother both dying -- that my mother has a situation medically it can be corrected but due to her own stubbornness and narcissism she will not submit herself to medical protocols which on some level makes me feel very unloved.

My grandmother on the other hand has lived her 94 years and simply wants to go home as she says and be with my grandfather -- I don't take from her this wish but when her time here is over however and I no longer have her in my life it will be very hard as she's been my single salvation in this world.

Though I have hundreds of letters and cards and gifts from patients I feel so alone and so isolated in this world. I have worked it out so that I work 14 to 16 hours a day go home and sleep get up and go back to work again. Thats it folks that is my life -- no movie no vacation no friends that is what my life is right now.

Besides my best friend who is 300 miles where I have no one in my life when people ask on how I am doing I have a very keen psychological way of turning the conversation back upon themselves and not allowing any one close to me

I am clearly not here in this room as a physician or medical caregiver.I am here is a patient in a person who desperately needs help I realize if I don't do something now I'm going to die - no drama it is true fact.

I have been over a sober for over plus 24 years and seems like I have failed in that in that I have only switched addictions from drinking heavily to morbid obese - eating out of control.

I feel I am too old to even begin agian and am in a prison.

I was in a relationship over 10 years ago and was left because of my inability in all honesty to take care myself.

At one time I was in great shape and and now find myself not able to look in a mirror

They say that happiness is an inside job however it seems that no where is it to be found in me -- god dont make junk but maybe he made a mistake here -- I am really a good guy but in a strugggle that is what I feel is a last ditch effort in my life and very scared that it won't work.

I feel so ugly and unwanted-I'm sure I sound like a psycho case here however no one would know --. I carry myself well, supervised 10 people, administrating office it that does over $500,000 a year and find myself drowning behind a façade that nobody knows who I am or that I exist -- many times including me.

I hope that somebody as you read this can relate I would like to hear what banding has done for you in your life -- how you dealt with her fears of treatment preop -- has it affected your relationships not only with yourself but as well as other people and do you like or love yourself more --

I am sorry this is taken for long but does somewhat feel-good to get out even if it is an anonymous form -- it is not in the closet of fat I have kept it in --

Thanks

Marc

[Mvpo8961 1]

Hi Marc I just wanted to say I hear you and understand some of your pain. I am a straight married woman so I really don't have perspective on that part of your dilemma. But I have been overweight all my life and I do understand the wall we build to protect ourselves and the worthlessness that wall can make us feel when we can't/don't connect with someone else on a emotional or physical level.

I have only recently been banded and really I'm at the beginning of my journey. I can say that already there are physical things that I can do that I couldn't just a few short weeks ago.

There are many kind and caring individuals on this forum who have struggled also. I wish I could give you a hug right now but since I can't I will send you a cyber hug. (((((((HHHHHHUUUUUUGGGGGG)))))))))

Keep your chin up and things WILL GET BETTER.

Hang out with us here.

Myra

[Poodles 0]

Marc, Welcome to the board.

I understand your feelings and want you to know that you have come to the right place.

In the world of love, I believe, every fat person feels like they are unwanted, but there are different types of people out there that have different preferences. My hubby married me, because he is a chubbychaser. We have been married 12 years, and I am scared he will leave me if I get too small. But because of health reasons he says he will chance it.

I have researched all weight loss surgeries, and have been on every diet in the world. This was the best option for me. I was scared to death, even to the point of wanting to cancel the surgery, but I realized that I HAD to do this or die. The surgery went much easier than I thought it would and the recovery has been a breeze. I now have a fill and am amazed at how little food it takes to fill me up. Although I have only lost 15 pounds, it is still more than I would have lost in a month before.

I totally understand the looking in the mirror thing. I think to myself sometimes that the size 10 cheerleader has been eaten by a big fat monster, but then I think that she is in there somewhere. Even though I know I will never see "her" again, I am looking forward to discovering the healthy person within me now.

You are obviously a caring person, and I wish you true happiness. Be brave, trust your decision, and begin taking care of yourself. :love:

[the best me 6]

Wow Marc, I have lots to say and little time to say it (I have some family over, just snuck onto the 'puter for a sec)...but for now let me send you one great big ole squishy ((((((((((HUG)))))))))))) and I hope you feel the love and understanding of others. You came to the right place. LBT loves and supports. Pour your little heart.

[babyjessica 0]

Marc

I too am terrified concerning the surgery. I will be calling my surgeon in the morning to schedulel my surgery date. But I can't stay away from this site. I hate my body. I don't want to be this way anymore. Therefore I must do this for my own sanity.

I am single. I am feel alone also. I can't changed that but I can do something about my weight. I wish I could lose own my owna and keep it off but I can't so I doing the next best thing. I am getting a tool to help me lose the weight and keep it off.

Keep your head up? You are making the right decision.

[Mert 0]

Hello Marc,

I too am a pre-bandster. I traded the bottle for the fork as well and am now mo. What I plan to do about this self-destructive streak is try to get in touch with why I am this way and tackle it. In other words, get some counseling help. We know that coming out of denial and accepting that we have a problem is a big step. hoo-ray for taking that step. Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. This is another chance at living a good life and I sure don't want to blow it. At this ripe old age of 49 I don't see lots more opportunities beating down the door. You can do it! and so can I! I am thankful for this chance to get out of this mo body-o-mine. this is going to be a wonderful journey......

I am thinking that things are gonna be great.

[hulia goolia 0]

Marc- Bless your heart. I was banded by Dr. Ortiz on June 2. It was an amazing experience. I highly recommend him and his staff. I know you're making the right decision and I know it's scary. Keep your appointment and best of luck my friend.

I've had incredible loss in my 35 years. 1 sister, 1 daughter, both my parents and recently my "favorite" brother. I believe they are rooting for me from a higher place.

lots of love- Julia

[maryb 1]

Marc, You have to love yourself to love others! It doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, fat or thin, black or white! Love and accept yourself for who you are, then make improvements! If your head isn't in the right place, nothing including the Lapband will make things better! I spent most my life hating everything about myself. I didn't start living until I got the guts to change my attitude and change myself. It is easier to lay down in self pity then to boldly go for what you want at all costs.

I feel your loneliness and fear of losing the only person in your life. Faith can bring you strength and comfort. God doesn't make mistakes. God loves and accepts you just the way you are! God accepts you, but also wants you to be the best you can be. God cares so much for you that he sent his son to die for you! Yes, YOU and a sinner like me. Isn't that wonderful?

[NewSho 20]

I can't say anything but ((( HUGS ))).

We all have the thorny paths that we walk along our journeys.

No matter what leads us here, we can still support each other.

So, welcome.:sick

P.S. - I know you are special, because look how you spelled façade with the correct punctuation.

[cathmo 0]

Hi Marc,

As for the loneliness and feelings of rejection, I can totally understand how you're feeling. I am married now for 6 years, but before that I didn't have a relationship for probably 13 years. I built walls up around me by burying myself in my class work, music or work. During this time, my weight just kept going up in between bouts of regular exercise and dieting. I felt rejected by society, men and some of my friends. But I think I mainly felt rejected by myself.

I'm like the previous person who responded..... I just got banded on May 17, so I don't have a lot of history to tell you how the band has changed my life. I have lost 28 lbs so far, but it's only been enough to show that my clothes are starting to get loose on me. People I know are finally starting to notice the changes.

Yes, you are right...... the way we feel about ourselves must come from within, but it does help to make you feel good when someone tells you how great you look! I'm still waiting for that.

You know, I decided on this surgery because I had tried and tried to lose this excess weight for about 20 years, with no long-term success. I am hypothyroid so my metabolism is slow anyway, and I felt like I was always looking at everyone else having a life but life was passing me by. My health was getting worse each passing year, and I decided that I had to take a stand on my health. My insurance wouldn't pay for this surgery, so it was up to me. My PCP sure wasn't helping me find a solution to my weight problem. You have to be proactive if you want something to change in your life. Believe it or not, that's how I met my husband. That's another story that I won't go into here.

You know the saying "If it's gonna be, it's up to me". This is SO true! If you want your life to be different, you have to do something different to move in a new direction. Good luck with your decision!

Cathy in Arkansas

[Stitchy 0]

Marc

You wrote such a warm, touching and personal post. My heart aches for you.

I hope with the loss of your excess weight that you will gain the self confidence to share some of your feelings with one or two potential new friends or companion.

In the meantime, keep posting, keep reading, keep sharing. We will offer comfort and support.

{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[the best me 6]

They say that happiness is an inside job however it seems that no where is it to be found in me -- god dont make junk but maybe he made a mistake here -- I am really a good guy but in a strugggle that is what I feel is a last ditch effort in my life and very scared that it won't work.

I feel so ugly and unwanted-

Marc, this stood out to me...I felt like the person I am on the inside (wonderful) wasn't showing on the outside (NOT wonderful) and I couldn't bridge the gap. Before I considered WLS, I felt as though something was wrong on the inside that made it impossible to change the outside. Once I found out about the Lap Band, I decided I would do it backwards. Work on the outside first! I felt so stuck and hopeless, there was nothing left to change. After a 60 pound loss so far...just 60 little ole pounds! Alot, but not ALOT, I am finding the me that was hidden. Losing the weight isn't always easy, it's work! but I'm actually able to do the emotional and spiritual work my life was so lacking before. Hope is good.

[ericsmom 2]

Marc -

I was trying to think of many things to say to you, but everyone before me has been very eloquent with their advice and support. LBT is THE best place you could be for exactly that.

I am recently banded (11 days) and so I don't have too much experience with it yet, but my experience thus far has been nearly perfect. It will help save your life. In the three weeks since I started preparing for this procedure I can already bend over better to tie my shoes. I'm seeing changes in my face already, too. Those little milestones will help you get excited about your new lease on life and coming here to LBT to share those milestones will give you such great pleasure. Everyone here is just great about celebrating those little accomplishments with just as much enthusiasm for you as the big ones.

I'm proud of you for sharing your story. Good luck to you - I know you'll be okay.

[silentfades 0]

I can not thank you guys (excuse the NY slang) I got a big lump in my throat and misty -- when reading your post --

I really want to stay in this group and will and continue to lookinside and post.

Again sincerely thank you very very much

Marc

"I look unto the hills whence cometh my help ...." Psalms

[Devana 0]

Hello Marc, I'm glad you're here. When I read your first post, I got to thinking about one of my favourite quotes, from W.H. Murray:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and slpendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it! "

I have always found that when I take a positive step in one area of my life other areas seem to improve as well. I love what Kathy (the best of me) said about changing the outside and more easily finding her inner self.

Your boldness in committing to getting banded does indeed have genius, power and magic. Wonderful things are coming your way.

Devana