Intimacy issues

[Vera 7]

I think scars are sexier than tatoos!

Thats right....I dont have a scar fetish or anything I just think that if you are going to be intimate with someone the scars do not matter at all.

Saul you just cracked me up! Family and freinds that I know have scars, I'll ask them "Show me your Scars" and they do....Is that a fetish?

[babsintx3 0]

Hi,

Just my opinion, but guys are horny bastards (generally speaking) and really dont give a crap about scars. Just for fun, I let folks feel my port. I am totally unashamed of my scars which include lapband surgery, full abdominoplasty, medial thighplasty and hand surgery. It is what it is and if a man has an issue with it then he aint worth having because he isnt horny enough (LOL) or he isnt worth keeping for a long term relationship anyway.

BABS in TX

334/180 ish

-150 ish

["Just" Paul 1]

Men are pigs.

I'm a man...

ergo,

I'm a pig.

If someone cares about you, there are no scars. Maybe you'll hook up with a male bandster! Then you'll both have the scars, and then who gives a crap!

[niche 0]

single girl in the big city here. i've had two men since the surgery in november.

the first one i dated from 1 week before the surgery till february. i told him that i was having my gall bladder removed and he sent me a beautiful card. (sweet) so when we did get intimate, it wasn't a surprise to him that the scars were there. but i did eventually tell him about the band.

the second guy was more of the situation i think you're talking about. we dated for a few weeks and it was clearly headed to the bedroom so i made sure that it was on my terms. soft candle lighting. cute undies (more for my confidence than his enjoyment :eek: ) and he never mentioned a thing. whether he noticed or not and just didn't say anything i'll never ask. actually, when i did end up telling him, it was when he cooked me dinner for the first time and i didn't want him to think i didn't enjoy it.

so i pretty much agree with everyone else here. i don't have too much of an insecurity about telling guys about the surgery. as time goes on i am getting more willing to tell people. i told a girlfriend of mine who is one of those people who has battled her weight and does this by going to the gym up to 3 times per DAY. so, as you can imagine, she had worse things to say than any guy i have told.

[Stephanie MG 0]

I dont think you need to tell anyone if you dont want to. None of there bussiness!! I think saying that its from your gall bladder, thats just fine! GET out there and have some fun, I think thats great!

Its ok for "us" to just be horny bastards too....isnt it!! hahah

[lisah25 3]

In fact sometimes its discouraging to read someone say "Oh I'd just be bold, be frank, be confident when I'd have that talk, etc, etc" and then they say, but of course I've been married 50 years so I'll never have to have this particular problem.

Yeah, but I think the point is we weren't always married. We were single once, and while perhaps some of us were banded after entering a relationship, we may well have had other topics to have such a talk about. I personally contracted a "social disease" looooong before I met my husband. It's not a big problem, but I had to tell prospective partners before any activity. Believe me, that's not a fun prospect.

My take on it is that either it's a short term fling, in which case they probably won't notice or care. Or it's a long term possibility, it's part of who you are and so part of the package. After a few years, everyone has some baggage they drag along.

[giveyouthemoon 4]

That's a great story, Karen.

It's good to know that there is "New Love (or Lust) After The Band..."

I think sometimes it's easy to feel like the only one who's been through a process like this, alone, especially on these forums (which naturally skewer toward the married/dating/settled.)

In fact sometimes its discouraging to read someone say "Oh I'd just be bold, be frank, be confident when I'd have that talk, etc, etc" and then they say, but of course I've been married 50 years so I'll never have to have this particular problem.

:eek:

Thanks for the continued input.

Word NewSho. We single gals gotta stick together! I agree, most of the women (and men) here are married and they give great perspective from being in a long term relationship. But it's a WHOLE other outlook when you are the girl who drove her dang self to the hospital and had NO visitors while she healed......

Much love and much luck on your journey to find a good man who loves you just like you are!!!

[nursekathy2u 0]

I think the issue here is not the scars but the admission of being a "fattie who couldnt control her eating and had to resort to surgery". Thats the way allot of people see those of us who had weight loss surgery. They think we took the easy way out. I can hear it in peoples voices when they ask about what diet Im on to lose weight and I tell them about the surgery and they go "oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, OK". I deal with that anxiety everytime I tell someone new about my surgery.

Now, I am married but I was born and raised in Texas and dated ALLOT of men. NewSho is right about their expectations. I live in the D/FW area and there are way too many single women. You are out numbered already without having to worry about having a weight problem too. I wouldnt want to have to tell a man im interested in about the surgery. Even if I had already lost the weight some may see me as flawed now and probably be afraid I would gain weight again. Many men are really shallow in that area. They dont want a fat GF.

I realized about 3 years ago that I was dating with the same mentality that many of the men had. I would exclude men with certain characteristics. I wanted only the best looking guy, with the best job, etc. ( I realized all this in counselling by the way ) I began to look at men differently and decided I would date anyone who asked me out at least once to give them a chance to see if anything sparked my interest other than looks. I met some really wonderful people that I normally would not have looked twice at before. Now Im not saying that they were ugly or anything but you know how most of us girls are into a certain type of guy.. maybe its a suit, maybe its a cowboy, maybe its a blue collar worker, maybe its a nerd, maybe its tall dark and handsome, who knows.... Well I went out with anyone who asked no matter what "type" they were. The man I married is NOTHING like the men I had dated in the past and I am so glad I went out with him that first time. I really did find my best friend to hopefully spend the rest of my life with. I realized that I had missed out on some great guys in my life because I didnt like their "type"... Pretty shallow huh??? I was really embarassed to realize I had some of the same predjudices the evil Texas men have!!

But back to the question at hand.. I certainly understand where you single ladies are comming from. It isnt just the physical imperfection of the scars but having to go into the whole story about weight loss surgery and facing peoples different judgements about it. I guess the best advice I saw posted was the person who said to just not offer more info than asked for. They say "Hey what are those scars from?" You say "Oh I had a little surgery" and leave it at that... my bet is they wont ask much more..

Kathy

[Carlene 12]

I'm married, so my perspective probably isn't even valid, but what if you tell someone you had your gall bladder taken out and later you end up living together or even married? How will you ever say, "By the way, I lied about the scars on my belly"?

I just don't think it's possible to keep the band a secret from someone you are married to, nor would I think it a smart thing to even try. There are just too many things that can happen to give you away.

By the way, you can easily feel my band. I've had doctors feel it and jump about six feet and yell, "What the hell is THAT?". I can imagine a lover might have a similar reaction.

[GreatDame 2]

Hey girls,

I am single...and have been for the last 18 months. I was too ashamed to get close to anyone...much less have sex. I guess I am the polar opposite of alot of people on here...Im proud of my scars...in fact...my friends are TIRED of seeing them..LOL. I had been talking to a guy that I went to high school with...we ended up sleeping together...and I was all about telling him about my scars. He thought it was pretty cool....He said he better hook me now before I loose all the weight and realize what a loser he is....LOL...Men....But really...this is me..I made the choice to get the band..it is as much a part of me as my tattoos...and I have to explain them all the time. I just think its too hard to hide and lie. I went to dinner with a friend, a man, and he kept asking me if I was sick becuase I just wasnt eating as much as I used to...So I told him. He was so happy for me. I dunno...I think that it takes too much energy to hide somthing that is going to be a part of you for the rest of your life. I would rather spend the time jumping his bones than worrying about him seeing my scars...LoL

[Kat817 19]

I was wondering the same thing nursekathy mentioned...Are you accepting of men and their weight issues,the big ol' belly, hair--or lack there of--issues, height...the list could go on and on and on. Through marriage, and divorce...twice, I finally figured out, that while I thought men were being picky, and excluding me on the basis of my weight, which was almost 100 pounds less than right now...I was being equally judgemental. Not every man in TX is tall, dark and handsome wearing a Stetson, as he saunters in from his successful ranch!!! My Texan is of medium height, in fact the exact same height as me, weighs a good 50 pounds less than I do, and was a mechanic back in those days...with grease under his fingernails!!! Something that totally grossed out my friend, she would not have given him the time of day. Her mistake...a big, huge mistake!!! He on the other hand would have helped her with anything she needed, he is a basic everyday nice guy. In my eyes he is sexy as hell! He doesn't care what others think...he has taught me so much!!!

All I am trying to say is to make sure you are being as accepting, as you hope men are of you. I think acceptance must be similar to pheromones, something your body just emits, people just sense when they are or are not accepted. Back in the days I was in the bars....they were wearing a t-shirt that said "Life is too short to dance with ugly men"...But who's to say what's ugly?

I believe if you are friendly and smile at ALL men, whether they are your "type" or not, you may be surprised...I was!!!

I really am not trying to be "flip", I do understand what you are saying, but you have to be honest with yourself, and care enough about yourself to decide whether someone who can't deal with it is really who you want to be with. And honest enough with yourself to know if you are concerning yourself over possible one night stand play nights...neither of you are likely to care!!!

I also agree a simple, "oh those, the scars are from some laproscopic surgery I had". While I think that whenever I would choose to get that close, I would hope to be comfortable enough to be honest...but if you are unsure of sharing the whole story, at least laproscopic surgery is the truth!

Good Luck to you as you approach these scary firsts.

Kat

[NewSho 20]

By the way, you can easily feel my band. I've had doctors feel it and jump about six feet and yell, "What the hell is THAT?". I can imagine a lover might have a similar reaction.

Carlene: That's horrifying! I never ever felt my band (more like my port) and even then only after I lost a larger amount of weight. I only notice it when doctors search around during fills - I realize they don't have to dig around quite as deeply as they use to have to dig. It's easier to find, as there is less of me to camoflauge it.

You've lost quite a bit yourself, so maybe your (port and tubing?) is more noticeable. But no, not the band itself. That would be very scary.

And of course your opinion matters - I only speculated whether being married/attached long-term sometimes makes some of us forget what "the dating meat grinder" is like.

NurseKathy & Kat: I don't think my standards are too high. Au contraire, I'm trying to gird myself up against having "Fat Girl Better Take What Comes Her Way" syndrome. Although I did remember comedian Groucho Marx who famously said 'he'd never want to join a club that would allow him to become a member.' Especially when I was heavier, I would often wonder if I should date anyone who would date me.:heh: I like men, like dating, but doing it as an obese woman ranged from an exercise in futility to :paranoid just being a downright waste of time, sometimes. I was frankly having to keep my spirits up just to endure the whole process of getting up, primping up, fluffing up and dressing up to go out with pals (things I enjoyed when I wasn't obese) and being the fattest girl at the party/club/event - and knowing full well I was being overlooked for that. WHEW! That was tiring.

I'd rather be positive, and experience positive outcomes.

So although I realize many, many women here have had outstanding dating success despite their weight - for me - it's a little bit nicer to approach "The Dating Scene" without having to be fhe Fattest Girl or 'The Girl With The Great Personality'.

:guess

GreatDame: That guy sounds like a great pal to have in the "Single Gal Stable of Male Friends & More Than Friends." Very cool.

Kat & Everyone: And oh, I don't just have a few LapBand scars. I now have a full hip-to-hip (albeit lower, pubic-level) Tummy Tuck scar that is more obvious than "just some Lap surgery." It's 180 degrees around the front of my entire lower body.

And now I get to add a C-Section scar (for fibroid removal, not for a birth, mind you) on top of that.

To me, this new C-section scar really bothers me. That's the scar I dread explaining the most.

I'm single, no kids with a C-Section scar? Some guys aren't too bright but even they know a C-Section smiley face scar when they see one.

I mean, gee, I can't wait 'til they ask me where the non-existent baby is! (*sigh*):phanvan According to my Plastic Surgeon, he placed the C-Section incision to hopefully fade along the existing Tummy Tuck scar line. As soon as it fully heals, I'm going to do so much scar therapy on that thing. I've got enough to deal with over here.

Oh, it's an encyclopedia of scars around my bod. :eek:

So just a brief "Oh I had some surgery" is what I hoped for, but I doubt it will go that smoothly.

Explaining a LapBand is bad, but I have no intentions of introducing the stupid fibroid discussion. That's just too creepy - I'm absolutely squeamish about that stuff.

GiveMeTheMoon: I won't give up the fight yet. I'm optimistic about finding someone special and until I do, I do have a fabulously full life & great friends. But I do know that my first hurdle was my weight. Now that I'm conquering that one, I'm having to deal with this "Scars & Surgery" hurdle. But I'm still out there fighting! :eek:

Again, this input is outstanding.:clap2:

[Kathy473 1]

[...What's the point? If you are in a situation that skin is going to be shown, the person there already decided that they find you attractive...]

I totally agree! My husband is more about noticing my weightloss than worrying about my scars and such. And when we are intimate...he is more into what is down further!! :heh: If it comes up, it comes up. If it turns him off, then he wasn't worth it anyways...go on to the next! If you tell him before it goes any further then it's out there and you don't have to worry about it. You are doing something for yourself and that's what matters. There are still men out there that are not just after a piece of ass.

[mslynn 0]

Well...I think that guys will make a deal of it if they ask and you get all weird or evasive or too "explainey" about it. Guys really are simple. If he says "say, what's that scar all about" and you say, with a shrug "oh, I had some surgery" and act fine with it, he'll be like..: shrug : "ok, cool" ...

So girls...practice your confidence. Fake your confidence if you have to (fake it until you make it!). Say with a shrug and a hair toss..."oh, I just had a little minor surgery"

It will be fine.

Honestly, I think we're overthinking it a little bit....

Karen, I think you are right on target here. I'm listening hard to this advice and copying it down. What feels like a big deal to me may be no big deal if I don't make it so (when I ultimately do decide to tell).

Thanks for this post!

Mslynn

:wave:

[teee 0]

But it's a WHOLE other outlook when you are the girl who drove her dang self to the hospital and had NO visitors while she healed......

Except her mother...