Intimacy issues

[Bikinigoal 0]

Personal stuff, but I think many of you will understand.

I am very happy with my weight loss. As I'm getting thinner, I'm feeling more attractive, considering dating etc. I am concerned about getting intimate with someone, mainly b/c of the band. Can your partner feel the band or port site? Do they ask questions? As far as the scars, I can always say that it's due to gallbladder removal (which is true, as I had it removed with the band), but can the port be felt? Do you tell others? Or are men just horny bastards that they don't even care? haha.

Any advice would be most appreciated. Thanks!

[*susan* 1,709]

Hi Jane,

When my hubby and I are being intimate, I have no awareness of my port or band whatsoever. And, I have asked him, and he says no, he feels nothing different either. As far as the scars, it depends on your level of comfort with someone. I have never been intimate with someone I had not dated for a while and had very strong feelings for. Therefore, once the relationship reached that point, it was more about the feelings we shared for one another and that erased any concerns about how my physical body looked because I knew this person genuinely cared for me.

[Woodys 0]

LOL Jack...................

[Yoda 0]

Don't worry Bikingoal: they won't notice the band or feel it at all.

Jack.....if you're gonna insist on continuing with the sort of posts that make me guffaw, I'm not gonna be able to eat my cereal/oatmeal while reading these posts!!!

hmmmmm laughing/eating may be the same as eating chicken while talking on the phone??!!! But....no worries....I won't ask!!!!

[NewSho 20]

. . . As I'm getting thinner, I'm feeling more attractive, considering dating etc. I am concerned about getting intimate with someone, mainly b/c of the band. Can your partner feel the band or port site? Do they ask questions?

As far as the scars, I can always say that it's due to gallbladder removal (which is true, as I had it removed with the band), but can the port be felt? . . .

These are VERY good questions that single gals wrestle with. I'd love to hear what other single girls think about facing this particular challenge. Give us your feedback!

No, I'm not claiming to speak for all single women because I know a lot of them will come back and say " Oh it's my body, and whoever I'm with can just deal with it." That's cool.

But face it, in Texas (where you also are, Original Poster), the stakes are high. There is a lot of competition from naturally gorgeous, naturally shapely sexy girls in the bars, Happy Hour, etc. A single gal has got to bring her "A" game in the Lone Star State and the guys really expect Texas girls to look a certain way. It might not be fair, but it's the truth. We've got to be armed for war!

I have mentioned that in support groups and such that some of our happily married members kind of shrug off things like scars. {"Oh, I don't care, my husband doesn't care, he loves me no matter what!" they sometimes say.}

Well that's great. But I always remind them to remember that some of us don't have someone who has pledged to love us "For Better or Worse" or "For Wrinklier or For Saggier." I think it might be easy for someone who's been in a relationship for a while, to forget what it's like to have to show their body to someone for the first time. It won't be easy for a lot of us single gals who have surgery to be comfortable.

• The port thing isn't an issue - I don't think I'd EVER get thin enough for my Lower-Profile port to be felt by me or anyone. The only time I feel my port is when the doctor is doing a fill. Otherwise, I honestly am never conscious of it, so that's fine.
  
• Now scars are a big deal. I know I personally am very concerned with how the scars look - and I base everything on what it will be like if I am 'getting close' to someone for the first time. :nervous And men are horny but if they see anything that surprises them they all feel justified in asking questions!

The Gall Bladder story is a great cover - but now I've had an Abdominoplasty (Tummy Tuck) so I have to come up with a good explanation for that, too! (And since the T. Tuck, my LapBand scars that used to be on the side, are now front and center on my new slimmer front. Oy vey!) But I look so much better, that I am crossing my fingers that the benefits of the Band & Tummy Tuck outweigh the scars.

But I honestly dread having to do that 'first reveal' to someone other than a doctor. Nobody wants someone pointing to your body at an intimate moment and saying:

Oh my gawd, what the heck is that scar?"

Hopefully things will go well. But I can say that being single does make this process a whole bunch different. And I'd love to have a bikini body also, one day. I am single with no kids - so I hear people say "Oh I'd never wear a bikini no matter what size I get to" but I'm thinking "But I would like to be able to, if I wanted to! I wanna be a sexy, single gal."

And boy do I have a long road ahead of me. Wish me luck and tell me what other singles think!

[Teresita 0]

Or are men just horny bastards that they don't even care? haha.

.....The truth.....

[NJChick 3]

are men just horny bastards that they don't even care? haha.

Yes, and I'm glad they are LOLOL (just kidding).

My DH can not feel the port. IMHO I would tell them the truth if they ask because you wouldn't want to start off a relationship with a lie. If they jump ship because of that... well then you never really wanted to be with him in the first place.

Good Luck !!!

[Eficka 0]

NewSho,

Im a bit far away from Tummy Tuck, but about my scars I say it was gallbladder,truly said Im not concerned about those scars but about the stretchmarks that are on my belly,dont like them,they are not anymore,but they are there.And Im ashamed of them more than from the scars from surgery,cause they were caused by me being overeatning and gaining weight.Hey I asked about the scars from surgery and they can be erased by laser,or thats what I was told.

Hey I wear bikini even though Im not that thin and have scars...dont worry.

Usually when you gget naked infront of anybody its either your doc or someone who you like/love and then it should be ok and they shouldnt be to nosy (except for the doc:-))

[Josette 2]

I'm married but even before then I suffer from PCOS and have darkening under my arms and around my waist line. I'm very overweight. I've always looked at it this way... I'm not going to share myself with someone that doesn't know me... and to be at the point of being intimate I'd probably already shared with them the journey I went through to get to the healthy new me anyways. If they are scared of the scars, stretchmarks, etc. Then they will have plenty of time to bail out before we get to the point of being nekkid and partying! WOO WOO!

I hope you find someone that is amazing and loves every inch of you because all of it made you the beautiful person you are on the inside as well as out!

[NewSho 20]

These are excellent responses.

It does sound great to say "Oh he should like/love you for who you are" but I guess I feel like we live in a very shallow, looks-oriented society.

Any girl who's spent time at a bar, nightclub, pub or party lately might also have felt it. What was acceptable even in the 90s doesn't fly anymore.

Now men want perfect or near-perfect men with Abs of Steel, it seems.

Hopefully more single gals will weigh in on how they've dealt with this issue.

C'mon girls - what have you experienced?

[onlygo 0]

I dont want to sound like a prude but...... I dont think you should have sex with someone if you have to lie about your scars. I mean if you cant tell them the truth about that ... Why:confused: are you having sex with them????

[Scribby 0]

I guess I am one of the vain ones! I am due to be banded on August 9th and the scariest thing for me is the skin issue, scars, drooping ect ect. My bf and I were watching plastic surgery last night and watched a chic have a tummy tuck...its in the cards for me for sure since I am belly heavy. I am extremly modest but only because of my weight..and VERY VERY shy about my belly. I am greatful that I am not single, but I totally agree with NewShoe..just cause he loves me dosent mean I shouldnt look my best for him and myself. I was never one to do the "im happy the way I am"..weight has always been a struggle and I have never thought of it as acceptable for myself...

[Scribby 0]

oh and btw, Im from the east Coast but went out to Ft. Worth for the fourth of july..its no joke ablout those texas girls..when they go out, THEY GO OUT..hahaha

[fishy 0]

Well, I did have one full-body harness that annoyingly rubbed on the port area, but what are ya gonna do? Leather chafes, isn't that part of the attraction?

[NewSho 20]

I dont want to sound like a prude but...... I dont think you should have sex with someone if you have to lie about your scars. I mean if you cant tell them the truth about that ... Why:confused: are you having sex with them????

No, the question doesn't make you a prude.

But it is realistic that a single person might encounter someone who didn't know they have had surgery. And having that conversation about surgery might not be easy. So it's not about lying, it's about me developing something to say that will also make someone else comfortable with my scars, my surgery, etc.

It's too easy to say "Oh just say you had LapBand surgery and he'll be cool."

If only it were that simple.

Nobody wants an intimate encounter or even a non-intimate encounter that involves being less clothed (like swimming, Hot Tubbing, Jet Skiing, etc) to be awkward. :paranoid

And even if you tell him/her why you have scars doesn't make it any more accepted.

Do you think everyone is accepting of Weight Loss Surgery? If only they were.

I think in this society, men can be very judgmental - even those that you might share your body with.

I guess to someone who's been single a while, it seems like a fairy tale world where "Men are understanding and accepting, and love/like you for who you are, not what you look like."

I've never met those men.

And trust me, I think I'm attractive - but what I have been is fat.:phanvan

And for a woman, being fat outweighs anything else in most single mens' terms. Period.

Honestly I've been in rooms where I one was of the prettiest girls there at least. But I was also one of the fatter ones or the fattest. :kiss2:

Believe me, it does no good to be pretty but fat.

None.

So when people tell me how "accepting" men are, I guess my own set of experiences makes me feel differently.

Maybe I'm the only woman here who has been 'passed over' by a man due to her weight, since I see a lot of married women & women in relationships post about their relationships even though they are also overweight/obese/working on their weight. :clap2:

And now that I'm working on my weight, it's ironic that the methods I used to improve my body - are the same methods that have scarred up my body.

And that will take some explaining, no matter what.

Keep it coming, girls!