Bittersweet Victory

[lola659 0]

On August 3, 2010 (also my brother’s birthday), I had VSG Surgery. The surgery went well and physically I felt better than I expected. However it is a bittersweet victory because my mother passed away that same afternoon. I had the surgery because I wanted to be healthy I didn't want to go through all she has been through. When I spoke to my mother about the surgery she was so supportive. The memorial was that following Friday in Florida and I was unable to make it (that in itself brings many unwanted feelings from my childhood). I thank God that I was able to spend a week with her in July. There were so many emotions I can't even begin to express. I know that she is in a better place and she is no longer suffering and she is whole again.

It is so ironic, that as I began my new life hers ended. By then, she had suffered so much she had brittle diabetes, congestive heart failure, was at end stage renal failure (on dialysis 3X times a week), had both legs amputed above the knees and had been back and forth between hospital and nursing home since October 2010. I did have the opportunity to speak to her about having the surgery, and she told me that it is a stupidity to chase after food and to do whatever I need to do so that I don't have to go through what she has. I was borderline diabetic, high cholesterol. I also have osteoarthritis in both knees and before the surgery my legs swelled so much that the right leg looked the same size all over. I had to walk with a cane because I could not put weight on them. I had this surgery because I didn't want to go through all she has been through and want my life to be healthy in every aspect. . I can kind of feel that I did this as a tribute to her memory; she was full of life and I hope to double, triple, even quadruple the quality of my life.

Now, fast forward one year. I still miss my mom, but I am glad that I had this surgery. I have lost over 120 lbs. I feel great. NO MORE CANE!!! I exercise, 30-60 minutes, 5 days a week. I am amazed at how good I feel. I have more energy, my clothes feel much better. I am fortunate to have a loving, caring husband as well as others who care and have been very supportive of me. I am not going to say that I wish I had done this a long time ago (I believe that everything happens in God's timing), but I am glad that I did go ahead with it.

[coops 1,790]

What an emotional rollercoaster of a year you have had... grief is a difficult thing to deal with, but after major surgery... you have not only succed in coming to terms with the loss of you mam, but also the loss of your stomach and the comfort that food brings... well for me anyway!

It is good to hear you be so positive about the last year and congratulations, not only for the weight loss and your gain in health but, also in a great outlook in life.

[lola659 0]

Thank you for your response.

You are correct I am still mourning my mom. I miss her terribly, but I know she is a better place and is suffering no more. I also have been fortunate to have so many people by my side so I am not alone in my grief. I suspect your are correct about the my other losses ( my stomach, and comfort foods, etc). At times it is more than a notion negotiating the amount of food and the time it gets before I should take another bite. I find that when I am paying attention it works out ok most of the time. I am still learning...so far it has been work...out for the most part.

What an emotional rollercoaster of a year you have had... grief is a difficult thing to deal with, but after major surgery... you have not only succed in coming to terms with the loss of you mam, but also the loss of your stomach and the comfort that food brings... well for me anyway!

It is good to hear you be so positive about the last year and congratulations, not only for the weight loss and your gain in health but, also in a great outlook in life.

[Guest Roz1967]

May God comfort, bless and keep you. Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot bear! Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted! I cannot imagine............:angel:

[lola659 0]

Thank you for your prayers.

May God comfort, bless and keep you. Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot bear! Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted! I cannot imagine............:angel:

[grannyk 58]

Lola, tears of sorrow for your loss and tears of joy for your victories. God will bless and keep you close...Kathe

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

Sorry to hear about your mom. It's good that you were able to prevent the same thing happening to you - I'm sure she's happy for you now.

[lola659 0]

Thank you, God is good.

Lola, tears of sorrow for your loss and tears of joy for your victories. God will bless and keep you close...Kathe

[lola659 0]

Thank you. She is may inspiration to continue to get healthy.

Sorry to hear about your mom. It's good that you were able to prevent the same thing happening to you - I'm sure she's happy for you now.

[sugarmamma7 2]

She is looking down on you and she is so proud of you keep up the good work!

[Griselda 7]

I know what you mean. My father died a few months before I had my surgery and I wish he could have seen me go through with it and finally start to lose weight. I know he was very concerned about me and my weight and although his health was not the best, it was still completely unexpected when he died. I tell myself I am partly doing all of this for him and I know in some way, he knows that and is happy to see me go through this journey. I cherish that my mother is still alive and has been able to see me go through this transformation.

[myrori 55]

 and she told me that it is a stupidity to chase after food and to do  whatever I need to do so that I don't have to go through what she has.

My Dear, the peace you seek are in her very words............................................

this comes from someone who 2 years later can cry at the the very thought or the typing of these words because she misses her Father so. Now for how his words impacted me? He said to me don't stand at my grave and cry I will not be there. I have not been to his grave site since burial. His words also gave me relief from standing at my daughters graveside for hours. They are not there. They are with their loved ones. They are in heaven. They are in the gentle breeze, the blooming flower and the ocean wave. My Grand daughter gave me peace when at 3 I asked her all 1800 mile away from home who she was talking to under by that tree over there and she told the Grandpa with the glasses Honey your Mom was with you before,during and now after surgery. She knew the end was near and released you from you mourning. Now I know it is not that easy but it is what she meant to you,, go, take care of you, don't repeat my life. YES she loved you that much.

[lola659 0]

To all who responded

Thank you for sharing. I am greatful and thankful for the response I have gotten in this blog. I had posted similar stuff in another site and never got a response. I didn't realize how much I need feedback and for that I thank you all. For a very long time I did not recognize that my mother loved me. Now I do and I am fortunate enough to know that she loved me dearly. I want to share with you some more of what I wrote about her:

"I was unable to write something for her memorial; then I remembered that 5 years ago I had to write a short paragraph about the person who has had the greatest impact in my life:

'My mother has had (and continues to have) the greatest impact in my life. She is a Puerto Rican mother of six, and although she didn't get a GED diploma until we were all adults, she instilled in us the importance of a good education. She told us that the only way we can truly be independent and successful was if we studied hard and got a good job. She encourages and supports us in our endeavors. We are all college graduates of various degrees and continue to pursue higher education. My mother taught me that it is never too late to fulfill your dreams. I feel that I would not have such drive and determination, if not for my mother.'

I meant to show it to her but never did. Our relationship had its ups and downs, especially in the earlier years. Yet my mother has given her all without hesitation. I had her support even when I made the wrong choices. I will miss her dearly but I KNOW that her day for “no more tears; No more pain, and no more fears” has come. I know she is in heaven with my father having the friendship she so longed to have with him in life. I know she is dancing, singing, joking and laughing. No longer burden by a failing body or the burdens of this world, but basking in the presence and glory of the Lord. And I KNOW that when I get to see Jesus face to face she will be there waiting for me."

So I know that she loves me eternally and in that I take great comfort. I will continue to press on and hope to be as inspiring to others as she was to me. Thanks again for allowing me to share and to be able to share in your lives.

[lola659 0]

 and she told me that it is a stupidity to chase after food and to do  whatever I need to do so that I don't have to go through what she has.

My Dear, the peace you seek are in her very words............................................

this comes from someone who 2 years later can cry at the the very thought or the typing of these words because she misses her Father so. Now for how his words impacted me? He said to me don't stand at my grave and cry I will not be there. I have not been to his grave site since burial. His words also gave me relief from standing at my daughters graveside for hours. They are not there. They are with their loved ones. They are in heaven. They are in the gentle breeze, the blooming flower and the ocean wave. My Grand daughter gave me peace when at 3 I asked her all 1800 mile away from home who she was talking to under by that tree over there and she told the Grandpa with the glasses Honey your Mom was with you before,during and now after surgery. She knew the end was near and released you from you mourning. Now I know it is not that easy but it is what she meant to you,, go, take care of you, don't repeat my life. YES she loved you that much.

[lola659 0]

Please see me additional response to everyone

 and she told me that it is a stupidity to chase after food and to do  whatever I need to do so that I don't have to go through what she has.

My Dear, the peace you seek are in her very words............................................

this comes from someone who 2 years later can cry at the the very thought or the typing of these words because she misses her Father so. Now for how his words impacted me? He said to me don't stand at my grave and cry I will not be there. I have not been to his grave site since burial. His words also gave me relief from standing at my daughters graveside for hours. They are not there. They are with their loved ones. They are in heaven. They are in the gentle breeze, the blooming flower and the ocean wave. My Grand daughter gave me peace when at 3 I asked her all 1800 mile away from home who she was talking to under by that tree over there and she told the Grandpa with the glasses Honey your Mom was with you before,during and now after surgery. She knew the end was near and released you from you mourning. Now I know it is not that easy but it is what she meant to you,, go, take care of you, don't repeat my life. YES she loved you that much.