Loss of friends

[Raine 170]

I have been fortunate that most everyone has been very supportive. I do have one friend that I have known for 25 years that I am wondering how things will go when we see eachother next spring. She was always the tall thin blonde and me the short fat brunette. One day I was chatting with her and told her how much I lost and she said she needed to get a move on then. I was confused because the statement didnt fit in with the conversation and asked her a move on with what? She said to lose weight, you weigh less than me and we can't have that now can we! I changed the subject but wanted to say, what kind of f**king comment is that. We'll see how she reacts when she sees me in the spring and if she is snarky or genuinely happy for me. I hope for the latter because I would hate to end our friendship because that is exactly what I will do.

[ILKrista 36]

I've found that people will surprise you. I had some friends I didn't think would be supportive who turned out to be my biggest cheerleaders. And the friend who took me to the hospital as my support person has basically pitted herself against me in a weightloss competition. In fact, she has directly told me that she doesn't want me to weigh less than her. Now that I do, I feel like she does what she can to embarrass me by alluding to the surgery. When I am at the singles group we both joined, she likes to drop in little hints that I did something to lose weight & they should ask me about it. Why even bring it up... they only know me as the thinner me. Bring up the weightloss is not her place. I agree with the person who said jealousy can do terrible things to a friendship. But at least now you know & you know who your real friends are.

[NewLife2011 13]

I lost a friend of 20 years due to her jealousy at my weight loss. It was a few years ago, and I had dropped a bunch of weight using Phentermine and exercising and she hated all the attention I was suddenly getting from men. One evening we were out with some guys and she just attacked me out of the blue, saying "just because she lost 70 lbs, she thinks she's all that". I was totally humiliated, these guys had not known me when I was fat and it wasn't something I walked around telling people.

The next day she apologized, blaming it on the fact that she'd had too much to drink, but it wasn't long after that that our friendship fianlly died. It was clear to me that she was very resentful of me and it was only when she was intoxicated that she had the courage to say what was really on her mind.

That was a very painful experience for me. I still miss her but know that I am better off not having someone that nasty in my life. The good thing is that our friendship had ended before I put all the weight back on, so she can't gloat about it.

[susieq 49]

I am very lucky. My husband and my son have loved me fat and love me on my way to being normal. Supportive on a daily basis, I couldn't ask for more. My dearest friend (we've been friends since elementary school and we are now in our fifties) has been so supportive and excited for me. She's wonderful. She's naturally petite, has a very good metabolism and has never had to worry about weight, yet all throughout the years, as I got heavier and heavier, she never waivered in her support of me. Lose, gain, in between, she's been my friend. And now, she couldn't be more thrilled by my progress than if she had done it herself.

I am also lucky with my family. Three out of four of us (adult) kids have obesity issues. My sister had the surgery two months after I did, so we've traveled this journey (somewhat) together. We are thrilled for each other. Our "thinner" brother is also happy for us, not because he was critical of the weight, but because he sees that we are now living our lives instead of hiding out. Other brother has health issues and so many other problems, that while I'm sure he's happy for us, he's trying to survive his own problems. So wish I could do more to help him and wish this surgery were an option for him.

I'm beginning to sound like Pollyanna, but I'm also lucky at work. My boss had this surgery two months before I did, so we can talk about things as we go through them. She has reached her goal and looks fantastic in size 4's & 6's!!! She started out with less to lose than I did, but she has worked her sleeve perfectly. Still weighs everything she eats (I don't). She's a real rule follower! My best friend at work could be jealous and bitter because her two fat friends were able to have surgery, while she couldn't. Instead, she buckled down and has lost 50 pounds on her own, through diet and lots of exercise. Every time I lose a pound, she is very happy for me. I admire her so much for being able to do it on her own. She's 20 years younger than I am and I hope she's able to live her life looking and feeling as great as she does now.

Specifically and in general, I have had the support of family, friends and even acquaintances. They seem to love seeing me emerge from my fat suit. It is everything I dreamed it would be and more!

[Jensharley 9]

Any kind of major chance in one's life tests the strength of friendship. When I was 27 my sister was diagnosed with cancer, then I was diagnosed with cancer, my dad died suddenly and my mom was diagnosed with cancer all within months of one another. It had a profound affect on my personal relationships. Some friendships got much stronger and some that I thought were strong dissipated.

People are attracted to us for many reasons both physically and emotionally. When you decide to lose weight whether you like it or not changes happen to us emotionally as well. We may uncover underlying issues of low self-esteem and those attracted to us because of that are challenged when we become more self-confident. Those who have low self-esteem themselves and feel hanging around with their "fat" friend is safe may view the new us as a competitor. Either way if during our weight loss journeys we see friends fall out I believe that it is natures way of removing the superficiality that can sometimes take over a friendship when we don't realize it. Don't seek it out but don't be caught by surprise to see it happen is my motto.

[sasicas 194]

You know, I LOVE this group! As crappy as it is that some of us have had some jerks for "friends" I am glad to know that we are not alone in this. I heard there would be sabotagers early on, never thought it would happen to me, then saw it through my own life. I remember sitting in group one day and one of my friends mentioned that her closest friend had done the same thing to her, now her and I are closer than ever because we know what it's like. Why do women have to be so catty?! It seems as through most people who deal with friendship issues are women. Why do women pit themselves against their friends?!

I will admit, I thought a time or two that it would be nice to look normal and not be the big ol' fat friend. Never once did I speak those words though. I never made it a goal. I never wanted it to be a competition. I thought, sure, some of my friends (and my husband too) might follow suit and try to get healthy because they knew I would be there to encourage them, but never dreamed it would cause all out war and jealousy. Admittedly I wanted to be skinner than my husband, he knows this though. It wasn't set from jealousy, it was just that I wanted to look good for him and I wanted the traditional wife look of being skinnier than him. But we never made it a competition, I never got angry with him for being skinnier than me. UGH!

Like it has been said, at least now we know our real friends but it sucks to know that something as silly as losing weight and getting healthy could destroy friendships.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

Hasn't been a problem, thankfully. None of my friends are obese, by the way, which might make a difference.

[fern 195]

I feel like I've lost my best friend of 20 years. We've known eachother since we were ten and we were inseparable. Our husbands are best friends and our kids are less than a year apart and are pretty cute together. Now, she is bigger than I was at my highest, and she pleaded with me to do WW instead. When I said thank you for your concern but no, she insisted on telling me horror stories about WLS, saying a friend of a sister of a blahblahblah died suddenly after! Then the night I was flying out ( to Mexico), she asked me what my husband and kids would do if I died in surgery. That it wasn't fair to put him through that cause he lost his parents a short time ago!!! WTF!!! Who says that????

It hurts so bad that I feel like I don't have a friend anymore

[Sassygirl06 962]

i hope that i dont lose friends d/t weight loss. i have always been the fat friend since i have been an adult and im tired of it. none of my friends know about the surgery though. so i wonder how they will react to the loss. i didnt want to hear any of the bull about how i could lose the weight on my own and, your taking the easy way out. nothing about this surgery is easy....i hope the friendships arent all about weight. i know that my sister might have issues because she has always had her weight over me. she is 5'11 and weighs about 130. she has fake boobs and is beautiful, but she is getting older...she is 12 years older than me and she is really sensitive over her age. when we were camping together last month my 12 year old son said something to her that i thought was disrespectful and i told him to respect his elders....she totally went off on me and said, 'i might be old but at least im skinny and beautiful, what do you have?" i couldnt believe what she just said to me. i told her that was mean and i wasnt trying to insult her, that of course she what my sons elder, hes 12. she apologized but she let her true colors show, and i most definately did not tell her about the surgery for that reason. she would always bring it up whenever i am around her. its hard not telling my friends but my husband and my oldest daughter know and they have been really supportive.

[~eclipse~ 0]

The person I considered my best friend bailed on me. She was supportive of the surgery until the week before, I had a moment of weakness and said I might back out, at that moment she no longer supported it. She had started doing everything she could to lose weight, and she was a lot smaller than me to begin with anyways, but it seemed like she couldn't stand the idea of not being the skinny friend. She came to the hospital the day of my surgery and that was the last time I saw her. She would talk to me like normal on the phone for the first few weeks but as I lost weight she just took off. I called her a few times over one weekend, she didn't answer, she didn't answer texts. She called once on Monday and I decided to wait and see if she would call again as I was not about to fight for a friendship when clearly she had begun distancing herself. She never called again. I reached out to her on Facebook a few times trying to find out what was going on, she never responded. She has since moved and I am sure I will never hear from her again.

I have another friend that was very unsupportive of me, he said over and over I could do it on my own. I rarely hear from him anymore and it's usually only when he's upset about something. He's not even someone I would consider a friend anymore.

I have dealt with a lot of snarky comments too, some just joking, many are just low blows. You would think my "friends" would be happy for me to get healthy and fit but jealousy can be a very ugly thing and girls apparently don't like becoming the "fat" friend. Ugh!

This surgery really has shown me who my real friends are.

[~eclipse~ 0]

I'm so sorry for you,but I'm going through the exact same thing and I haven't even had my surgery yet.October 3rd is my date and she's already backing off but like you I was always the fat friend and she's always been jealous and hateful if I lost any weight and did everything she could to sabotage me.I guess she's not really a friend after all.I do have a couple of friends that are very happy for me.True friends will be by your side.

[erinreasor@msn.com 1]

I am looking at having this surgery and found this sight. This topic is very interesting to me because I am the overweight friend. My friends try to understand as much as they can, but because they never have struggled with their weight beyond the fluctuating 10-20 lbs. they don't understand my struggles. They are the kind that can be real strict and quickly take off the excess. They also are always dressed to the nines everytime we go anywhere. They are the friends that all the guys (even though we are all married) but get all the looks. I am the one who tags along and has to laugh at all the attention they are getting and find it flattering (for them) but secretly inside I struggle with wanting to get that kind of attention too, just because it makes you feel good about yourself. Anyway all this to say my fear is not so much that they won't be my friends when I lose weight, but that they will include me more. Make me feel more welcome etc. I know that sounds bad, but I think it might make me feel kinda ticked off. Why couldn't they treat me like I had any value before the surgery? Like they will except me more cause I can dress cuter I will look better, be more like a show piece right a long side them. I realize all this sounds very pretentious and as I write I am hearing how much. But these are my friends and I do know that their priorities are messed up and so do they, but they don't really know how to change, and I am the friend that listens and helps them through life and their struggles. But I can't help thinking that I will be a little bit resentful of them after surgery. Has anyone else dealt with these kind of emotions? or am I just thinking into something way to deeply?

[lunarose 97]

I haven't lost any but there is a distance now with my obese friends. I think it is equally as much my fault as theirs there just isn't any guide book one in particular will drag me into plus size stores where we both use to shop which now has nothing in my size and when we go to a regular store I feel self conscious looks at the smaller sizes. She makes "comments" all the time framed as a joke calling me a twig and other things.

[former_vbg 198]

Just an observation in reading your post.

Personally, I would have to wonder if you really consider these people your "true" friends. If have felt like you have been judged in the past just by who you are, that tells me they don't accept you for who you are. I think its really important that you try to surround yourself with people who will be nothing but supportive of you. I think that's why so many people choose not to tell anyone or if they do it's only a few chosen people.

I told a few close friends and nobody has been judgmental, but one of them I actually ended the relationship with shortly after surgery. We were kind of drifting apart in the previous months unrelated to weight issues, but she made a really snarky comment to me in an email when I confided in her about a situation that was very embarrassing related to my weight. She came back with such an obtuse and uncaring comment. I simply responded to her "never mind" and we haven't spoken since.

I have no time for people who want to be negative whether it's about me and my weightloss or life in general. I still encounter them, but I do my best to keep my personal distance from them.

My suggestion to you is to try and surround yourself with as much positive as possible.

I am looking at having this surgery and found this sight. This topic is very interesting to me because I am the overweight friend. My friends try to understand as much as they can, but because they never have struggled with their weight beyond the fluctuating 10-20 lbs. they don't understand my struggles. They are the kind that can be real strict and quickly take off the excess. They also are always dressed to the nines everytime we go anywhere. They are the friends that all the guys (even though we are all married) but get all the looks. I am the one who tags along and has to laugh at all the attention they are getting and find it flattering (for them) but secretly inside I struggle with wanting to get that kind of attention too, just because it makes you feel good about yourself. Anyway all this to say my fear is not so much that they won't be my friends when I lose weight, but that they will include me more. Make me feel more welcome etc. I know that sounds bad, but I think it might make me feel kinda ticked off. Why couldn't they treat me like I had any value before the surgery? Like they will except me more cause I can dress cuter I will look better, be more like a show piece right a long side them. I realize all this sounds very pretentious and as I write I am hearing how much. But these are my friends and I do know that their priorities are messed up and so do they, but they don't really know how to change, and I am the friend that listens and helps them through life and their struggles. But I can't help thinking that I will be a little bit resentful of them after surgery. Has anyone else dealt with these kind of emotions? or am I just thinking into something way to deeply?

[sweety93 18]

Even though I haven't had the sleeve just yet, I've lost weight before enough to experience jealousy from family and friends. The weird part is that I've had the same results from a job promotion. Even though its hurtful, its important to understand that not every one is going to be supportive or happy for you but that's their problem!! Who wouldn't be happy for someone extended their life or someone having a better quality of life is beyond me, but I wouldn't Sewell on it or let those negative Nancys steal my joy!